💾 Archived View for tilde.pink › ~imbrica › en › txt › writing.gmi captured on 2022-06-03 at 23:56:22. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content

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on writing

I've had less and less time to write since getting accepted in university. In a sense that's really great, as it focuses that energy that was otherwise dispersed.

In another sense though, it's terrible to reach your limit trying to do assignments in time when you feel there's just no space for information anymore and you are just coping.

Before that, writing was spontaneous, guided by curiosity. Now, it's mechanic and goal-oriented.

Regardless, the greater space between writing opportunities has made me narrow things down better. I keep reading stuff on the side, and so when I do have time to write freely I can return to what my interest is, or has been now for a while, fixated on.

One thing I can't stop thinking about is: why are these words in English?

It's not just what I write, but most of what I read too. In my daily life, that is not the language I use to speak to my peers. A lot of what I read I can't relate to many, at least not just by sending it to them. I also get the feeling that this has an effect on how I write in my native language.

Even if I translate things between different languages, that is extra work sometimes I just can't do, which means I have to decide between either one.

Some things seem to be thought of in a certain language, they come from a certain language and/or are meant for a certain public and would make little sense to be written in this or that language.

While my mind is fixated on broad social and philosophical themes such as gender, language, religion, technology, and more recently, on maping the definitions of identity and nihilism, these are truly endless, extremely nuanced topics I believe I will never be done writing about.

That makes me glad. I take pleasure in thinking, and take pleasure in having what to think about. But to be able to give purpose to that in my relationships with peers, or in the creative possibilities I have, either digital or analogical, would be interesting.

I'm still unsure why that is so hard. Something tells me that I need more time to research and write to keep thinking and pushing through this curiosity, but a second thought is that this may be an endless, cyclical impression. Then comes the feeling that it's more related to social expectations and neurodivergent communication, but that is really hard for me to understand because I see it from the inside-out.

When someone, in special a professional, puts my neurodivergence in question, I feel like dropping it entirely and just pretending I never even considered it, because it's horrible to have things make sense today and no longer make sense tomorrow. But it's really hard to drop because the same explanation keeps coming back. It makes me angry about how diagnosis and medical care become commercial products.

I feel as if I have to take enormous initiative, and yet, no amount of initiative is seen as enough to trigger participation. At the same time you are expected to help others get started, but they will keep refusing to participate until a broader process is taking place. No one has a true interest, it seems, in anything. It's all about one's self, and never the activity being carried out.

It's no easy endeavor to try and get a collective process going, and to nurture it.

Just a few thoughts I plan to return to. While I do that, I'll keep reading on these topics and sending drafts to the trash can. It's not a complaint! I take pleasure in it. I just wish the day had 48 hours sometimes.

Fri Jun 18 23:37:36 UTC 2021