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purpose and sadness

Whether you come from a place of stability, resilience or depression, that doesn't matter when you find yourself without purpose in life. Everyone tells you how much you need a purpose, and even more everyone has an opinion on what purpose means, or should be like. In return this puts a lot of pressure on our shoulders, especially mine.

I don't come from a place of stability at all. I have been walking the thin line between getting through the day and falling into a dark hole with depression locking all exits from me. Over time this has become worse, more frequent and more challenging to overcome. For me. For my loved ones. For everyone connected to me. Professional help and 18 months of therapy got me through the worst. Just to leave me with a bitter reflection of my past. The one thing I cannot change. Time I cannot recover, relive, turn back. Had I gone to therapy in my teens, a lot of things would've been different.

And there come the ghosts of the past that haunt you. Even if live isn't that bad. Even if you're progressing. Even if you're not in a bad place just now. There is a sadness in you, a bitterness, one that you cannot just escape and one that won't go away easily. Sometimes it does, when things go exceptionally well. Most of the time they return in the evening and remind you of your past.

When something with high impact, like therapy, shifts your perception drastically, you lose a lot more than people might think. Not only do you lose trust in yourself, your past, your experiences, but also in your life's choices. You'll end up sad and lost. Which brings back old patterns and habits, throwing you back into that dark hole and depression comes back again.

Therapy teaches you things. Most of the times it's about breaking old patterns and habits and replacing them with some that are better for you and allowing you to gradually let go of the old. The past doesn't vanish, no, but it remains less threatening this way.

Many days I miss the good days of old. It's not healthy that I miss them. It's not helpful either. And they distort my perception of progress. I have made a lot of progress, yet I don't see it. And I cannot build on it. It's been a year since therapy ended. I still don't belong anywhere. I can't find my place anywhere. Gemini's small internet is ultimately my way of trying to belong. Sad isn't it...