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Moving things around and deciding what to keep and what to leave behind, internally and externally.
During the past week we rehearsed packing for the grand move, in order to see if we were in our space and weight budget. It was a nice way to conclude a process that we have been going through in the past few weeks, "minimizing" our stuff and figuring out what we really need (and what we really want to really need)
As we were going our budget a little bit, this was a good opportunity to push further and let go of some other stuff.
In parallel, we have been having a nice experience of gifting stuff to friends, finding places to donate things (e.g. hacklabs that could use electronic components), trying to sell some others, and bringing the rest to recycling places.
This is definitely a big jump into the unknown, so we are hoping we don't end up needing something that we thought we wouldn't.
In any case, doing all this brought me in contact with several past notebooks and works of mine: these were windows for me to see who I was, who I have been, and who I wanted to be.
During this week, these windows-notebooks made me ponder a lot about my identity, especially about my online identity. Part of me would prefer not to, and just flow (embracing chaos and the absurd?). I'd prefer to use that time in some other way.
However, another part of me is intrigued about how I've changed, online and offline.
It seems that now I'm more conscious, compassionate, understanding, and open-minded. It seems that before I was way more sure of myself and my actions, and also more outgoing. I wasn't hesitant to start projects, to connect with people (online) or to embrace my humor. Always an introvert, though :)
I wonder if that overconfidence came from being younger or only from being more naive. Both seem difficult to revert, but probably something can be done about it.
Regarding naivete, I can identify how, when becoming more privacy-aware, I stopped using my legal name online, I deleted a lot of traces and connections, and I went "into the dark".
I can also identify how, when becoming more aware of the upcoming collapse, I stopped doing a lot of things that I found fun, I became somewhat cynic (despite not wanting to!), I questioned everything I was doing and being part of, I got paralyzed, and again, I went inwards, "into the dark".
Additionally, all of this got combined with becoming aware of feminism and realizing all the stupid stuff I did due to being a man. I guess I over-corrected and then I wanted to lower my voice, to not occupy any space, to stop initiating and instigating creative projects. Going into the dark.
As one can imagine, and as I realize now, thanks to a slow process that has been aided by this big change: that is not a nice way to live! And neither it's helpful, for me or for anyone!
Side note: I was a little bit hesitant to write about this, but now I'm finding it very illuminating and lighter-feeling-inducing :)
So here I am, slowly crawling outside. Slowly repeating, "my voice is important". I realize and remember, I'm part of a so-called minority, I shouldn't be the one shutting up. My voice is important. How does one gets their confidence back? How does one cultivate it? It's okay to shine.
My outline implied talking about some other personal conflicts (the performance of professionalism), but interestingly this has given me enough to process already.
Thanks for being here, dear reader, allowing all this to go outside.
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