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I hate the feeling of being behind a closed door while cleaning is happening. hate it hate it hate it. It's clear that my mom's longstanding pattern of cleaning in anger is embedded in me -- if I hear cleaning, someone's pissed, right?
I'm not actually sure if it's my biggest emotional flashback of mundane origins, but probably close. All I do is seethe quietly for people to just fucking stop. Which wouldn't be helpful, but I feel trapped in the room until it's over. Plus buffer time. Plus willingness to fake cheer and pacify the person, if I leave and they're angry.
Apart from this, I think I'm doing ok. The meds continue to work and I can focus well and get projects done. Isabelle moved in and that's going well, I think. Loneliness is a problem again, a lot of my projects are computery and online, and I am hitting a point where I shouldn't wildly spend money every day on low-grade social interactions and takeout.
I'd be sad if I never put this on the internet and took the chance to connect with people, and the genericism of the writing here is worrying. yeah. not grasping the words for this fear.