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"Never split the difference" book notes

Last updated 29.5.2022

Tactical listening, spreading empathy

Be a mirror, copy each other to be comfy to each other to build up trust. Mirroring is mainly the body language. A mirror is to repeat the words the other just said. Simple but effective.

A mirror needs space and silence between the words. At least 4 seconds.
A mirror might be awkward to be used at first, especially with a question coupled to it.
We fear what's different and are drawn to what is similar.

Mirror training is like a Jedi training. Simple but effective. A mirror needs space. Be silent after "you want this?"

Mindset of discovery

Try to have multiple realities in your mind and use facts to distinguish between the real and the false ones.

Focus on what the counterpart has to say and what he needs and wants. Understanding him makes him vulnerable.
Empathy, understand the other person from his perspective, but it does not mean to agree to him.
Detect and label emotions of others for your own powers.
To be understood seems to magically solve all problems.

Try: put a label on someone's emotion and then be silent. Wait the other to reveal himself. "You seem unhappy about this?"

More tips

Put on a poker face and don't show emotions.
Slow things down. Don't be a problem solver.
Smile while you are talking, even on the phone. Be easy and encouraging.
Being right is not the key for successful negotiation, being mindful is.
Be in the safe zone of empathy and acknowledge bad news.

"No" starts the conversation

When the opponent is starting with a "no" it makes him feel in control and comfortable. That's why he has to start with "no".

"Yes" and "maybe" might be worthless but "no" starts the conversation.
If someone is saying "no" to you he then will be open to what you have to say next.
"No" is not stopping the negotiation, but it will open up opportunities you were not thinking about before.
Start with "no". Great negotiators seek "no" because that's when the great discussions begin.
A "no" can be scary if you are not used to it, though. If your biggest fear is "no", then you can't negotiate.

Get a "That's right" when negotiate. Don't get a "you're right". You can summarize the opponent to get a "that's right".

Win-win

Win-win is a naive approach when you encounter the win-lose counterpart but be always cooperative. Don't compromise and don't split the difference. We don't compromise because it's right, we do it because it is easy. You have to embrace the hard stuff, that's there the great deals are.

On Deadlines

All deadlines are imaginary.
Most of the time deadline unsettle us without a good reason.
They push to a deal to conclusion.
They rush the counterpart to cause pressure and anxiety.

Analyse the opponent

Understand the motivation of people behind the table as well.
Ask how affected they will be.
Determine your and the opposite negotiation style. Accommodation, analyst, assertive.
Treat them how they need to be treated.

The person on the other side is never the issue, the problem is the issue. Keep this in mind to avoid emotional issues with the person and focus on the Problem not the Person. The bond is very important, never create an enemy.

Use different ways of saying no

I had positive experiences with the building and I would be sad for the landlord to loose a good tenant. "I had payed my rent always in time. I am looking for a win-win agreement between us. Pulling out the research, other neighbors offer much lower prices even your building is better location and services how can I effort 200 more".... Then put an extreme anker.

You always have to embrace thoughtful confrontation for good negotiation and for life. Don't avoid honest clear conflict. It will give you the best deals. Compromises are mostly bad deals for both sides. Most people don't negotiate a win-win but a win-lose. Know the best and the worst outcome and know what is acceptable for you.

Calibrated question

Calibrated questions. Give the opponent the sense of power. Ask open how questions, to get the opponent solve your problem and move him into your direction. Calibrated questions are the best tools. Summarize everything, and then ask "how I am supposed to do that?". Asking for help this way with a calibrated question is a powerful tool for joint problem solving

Being calm and respectful is essential. Without control of your emotions it won't work. The counterpart will have no idea how constraint they are with your question. Avoid questions which get a yes or short answers. Don't use "why?".

Counterparts are more involved if these are their solutions. The counterpart has to answer with "that's right", not with "you are right". He has to own the problem. If not, then add more why questions.

Tone and body language need to align up what people are saying.
Deal with it via a labeled question.
Liers tend to talk in "them" and "their" and not with "I".
Also liers tend to talk in complex sentences.

Prepare 3 to 5 calibrated questions for your counterpart. Be curious what is really motivating the other side. You can get out the "Black Swan".

The black swan

What we don't know can break our deal. By uncovering it can bring us unexpected success... In this world you get what you ask for, but you have to learn to ask correctly. Reveal the black swan by asking questions.

Establish a range, at top places like corp. I get... (e.g. remote London on project basis). Set a high range and not a number. Also check on LinkedIn premium for the salaries.

Give an unexpected gift, e.g. show them my pet project and publicity for engineering.
Use an odd number, is which makes you seem like to have thought a lot of the sum and calculated it.
Define success and metrics for your next raise.
What does it take to be successful here? Ask the question, and they will tell you and guide you.
Set an extreme anker. Make the counterpart the illusion to lose something.
Hope based deals. Hope is not a strategy.
Tactical empathy, listening as a martial art. It is emotional intelligence on steroids.
Being right isn't the key for a successful negotiation, but having the correct mindset is.
Don't shop the groceries when you are hungry.

Slow.... it.... down....

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