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The Best Of The Anarchives Volume One
Gregory Kalyniuk a.k.a. nobody
NOBODY'S EXQUISITELY SPLENDID EDITORIAL
ON THE TOPIC OF CENSORSHIP
Many concerned people expressed their disdain for our lack of
editorial standards after the second issue of The Anarchives!!
came out. I would like to take this opportunity to explain what
our philosophy on this subject is, as it is now obvious that we
did not make ourselves clear before. We believe that anything
creative, no matter how offensive, deserves to be printed and
read. Unlike other official student publications, The
Anarchives!! is committed to bringing you the uncensored
opinions and art of free-thinking students who are willing to
submit material to us. At first, we thought we could get away
with this policy, but it has now been made clear to us by the
principal that there are certain limits to what we can and
cannot do if we want to avoid confrontation with the law (this
topic is written about at length elsewhere in this issue). We
believe that traditional student publications aim to prepare you
for the "real" world, a world full of ignorance, mediocrity, and
utter mainstream ideas. An editorial policy that does not allow
offensive material to be printed clearly displays these motives,
because what in essence is being said through such a policy is
that there are certain opinions that could not be handled by
you. Of course, the editors of such traditional student
publications are unaware of what they are really doing, because
an obedient, conformist attitude has already been permanently
ingrained in them. Traditional student publications hold back
controversial material to encourage a bland mainstream outlook
by the mass student population. By buying into their truth, you
are succumbing to the control system, and you are simply
allowing yourself to be conditioned for future manipulation by
the mass-media. Talentless media monsters such as Madonna make
careers out of breaking and manipulating taboos for their own
gain. If the concept of the taboo was ignored to allow total
freedom in the student press, such media monsters would have to
become successful on their own creative merits. By suppressing a
controversial topic, the suppressor only creates hype and
popularity for the topic. If offensive material was allowed to
be printed, material inspired by such hype would soon disappear,
because it would no longer be a focus of attention. Student
publications from alternative high schools have the freedom to
print anything. Neoteny, the City School publication, has an
editorial policy more extreme than our own, and yet most of the
material printed is quite tame in comparison to some of the
stuff in The Anarchives!!. Neoteny is proof that if taboos are
ignored, the sensational need for them to be regularly broken
will become obsolete. And as for editorial responsibility and
"protecting" readers from disturbing material, we believe that
being exposed to this so-called disturbing material can widen
one's understanding of different opinions and thoughts. The
sooner you wipe out the reflex of feeling offended by words on a
page, the freer an individual you will be, because your emotions
will no longer be controlled so easily. If after reading this
you are still not convinced of what is really going on, simply
stop reading The Anarchives!!, and pass it up the next time it
is offered to you, because we cannot afford to waste our limited
print-run on timid individuals.
A NASTY REVELATION
by nobody, Patron Saint of Insignificance
Jim-Bob's problems began at 2:00 in the morning when he plopped
into his easy chair with a cold beer in his hand he picked up
the remote control and turned on the TV to watch his favourite
show, Three's Company. While the TV warmed up in a struggle he
opened the package his midnight snack, bag of pretzels. He
looked at the screen, expecting to see the two scantily-clad
co-starlets breasts jiggling blissful expressions clinging to
the star of the show, goofy-looking sitcom character, and
expecting to hear the cheery words to the theme song "come and
knock on our door come and dance on our floor" with the
manufactured synth music in the background that always made him
feel so good. To his half-witted bewilderment it had been taken
off the air so a paid programming ad could be shown which caused
him of course to spill his beer. "Aw fu. . ." Jim-Bob started
with his loose profanity but before he was able to finish the
F-word his easily impressionable senses were recaptivated by an
image of an attractive nude girl on a beach being projected
across the cathode. "Whooooooooa-ho ho!" moaned loudly Jim-Bob
in self-righteous macho reflex "Lookit herrrrr!!!" But of
course Jim-Bob was alone so it would appear that he was telling
nobody to look at the sex-vision. The nude girl on the beach
was looking at Jim-Bob -- and Jim-Bob was looking at her.
"Would you like to have this?!" asked horny phony articulate
voice-over.
Jim-Bob was so excited that he was now sitting on the edge of
his seat sitting up straight a function he rarely performed.
"Would I? Could I? May I? Don't I? I won't! I won't touch
that dial. . .on my life!!!!!" His adrenaline was now flowing
nicely for the following cathode-projected image to do work
effectively an image of the subliminal kind of the hypnotic kind
he was being put into a trance. Gaping stunned at the TV while
warm pale barf-green saliva disease retardedly glistening
trickling down his chin down his chins. New colours undreamt of
and funny shapes flickering in his eyes reflecting cathode
controlling him. Now he forgets his worries his fears his anger
his pent up built in adult ignorance he becomes a child a sponge
to soak up commands upon command. He hears horny phony
articulate voice over again a real voice in his mind a voice
from a man he can see like a dream or something in front of him
just standing there holy like the Virgin Mary. The dream voice
man explains listen well and obey him or die like a rodent.
"What can one Christ your life is hell, and strengthen his
Church shell. World and bring peace could turn his hellish
founded this Church, enunciated future if he would adopt the way
of Christian Science demdas." Dream voice man with horny phony
articulate voice speaking to Jim-Bob never seen man before never
hear man before but man seems familiar. Hairy Krishchun saintly
pious bullshit Eastern religion televangelist from outer space
here to feed Jim-Bob bullshit he needs to be saved. Jim-Bob
confused thinks that he's insane godammit where's Jack Tripper
where's Mr Furley I want my show where's my show? Don't wanna
listen to this frabba-jabbin' holy spaceman!!!! Then Jim-Bob
feels a pain sharp ouch in his anus oh it hurts it hurts it
hurts he cannot stand it like constipation but much worse Hairy
forcing Jim-Bob to listen obediently. "In this issue of those
of us who the editors want to Church of Christ, Scientist of the
way of life: demonstrate the Principle of bull. Fellow members
expect the greatest assets growth in Christian varnasrama
society qualities in us." Jim-Bob thinks of the Principle of
bull his house bull his job bull his pals bull his wife bull his
life bull everything here is BULLSHIT!!!!!
Jim-Bob can't believe it's all bullshit he thinks about this
finds it humourous and laughs a weakling laugh ha huh HUHha.
Jim-Bob is beginning to understand the Principle of bull he
thinks back to childhood he sees himself young in school not
very smart or popular pushed shoved kicked around the
schoolyard. Teachers children mostly hate him make him feel
stupid call him stupid. Hey stooooopid fuckin' hillbilly moron
your mother likes dogs to be in bed with her!!!!! Jim-Bob
remembers how he used to cry and now he wants to cry nobody
likes me thinks I'm stupid. Then suddenly Hairy Krishchun has a
boy a sad boy a crying boy with an inscription tattooed across
his forehead six bold black capital letters they simply read
STUPID. Jim-Bob just knows it's him that sad stupid little boy
it's him it's me. Hairy Krishchun violently rips off the boy's
skin surprise surprise it's really just a robot a machine.
"Calls him the Ungodlike character the father of mankind
surrendered in order to make plow and works the will be a
struggle at times grains for sacrifice and these traits the more
peace human culture. Contribution to peace in machine age have
measured by whether other members of the bull and placed it is
seen more in the machines. People it is essential that we love
their cars, their that is God because, as computers, but our
weight on the side of machines is artificial and dangerous."
Jim-Bob thinks about cars machines computers JEEZUS Betty-Mae
Jim-Bob's wife talks walks acts eats shits fucks sleeps is just
like a fuckin' robot!!!!! Jim-Bob just knows now now that
Betty-Mae's just gotta be a robot an evil secret agent woman
from the same God-forsaken planet that this here Hairy Krishchun
feller comes from!!! Jim-Bob thinks about dinner that night
about the food about what Betty-Mae was doin' was servin' and
HOW. Well Jim-Bob was sittin' at the dinner table just mindin'
his own business waitin' for Betty-Mae waitin' for her to serve
up 'em mashed potaters but Jim-Bob cool hillbilly dude that he
is prefers callin'em smashed potaters HAW HAW HAW!!!!
Thinkin'bout how those smashed HAW HAW potaters er gonna be
soooooo fine when all of a sudden PLOP! He looks at his plate
and there they are -- the smashed potaters!! But where did they
come from? Heaven?? Well by golly they did! Betty-Mae was
still in the kitchen so the smashed potaters was a truly
paranormal phenomenon. He looked up and saw an anus formed into
the plaster ceiling HOLY SHIT! I got me some smashed potaters
from God's A-hole!!!! Jim-Bob pulled down his pants and started
jackin' himself with those there smashed potaters. But where
was Betty-Mae? Jim-Bob still thinking about the evening he
almost forgot my God he feels horrified he feels weak and faint
but he's already passed out anyway right? Well now Jim-Bob's
certain that those smashed potaters WERE NOT shat there by God
he is much too kind and benevolent they was obviously shat there
by that Hairy Krishchun feller himself of course!!! But why?
Jim-Bob kills Betty-Mae kills his own wife rips off her skin
just like Hairy did to the boy who was Jim-Bob and well Jim-Bob
finds to his surprise surprise that Betty-Mae is a robot a
computer a machine a car. But that happened before this here
Hairy Krishchun feller messed up the friggin' TV!!!!!
"The branch Churches simply and using democratically
self-governed or development process of self-government we
dedicated them of praying, listening, and of technological not
acting or reacting against utopian dream of a member's
background and world. The machine different. These varied and
the greed of the useful of the members promise a new
respectfully, together. To make life more about Church
activities help him exploit the decompose. When viewed more
enjoyment. Healthy, honest democracy takes away the finer
qualities." To make life more about Church activities help him
exploit the decompose help him exploit the decompose help him
exploit the decompose these words echo through Jim-Bob's mind he
understands he thinks his head will explode. First Betty-Mae
now this PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FACE THE MUSIC!!!!! Jim-Bob gets
it he is the decompose a pathetic decomposing excuse for a
worthless human sod and church activities means Hairy controls
Jim-Bob and people like him!!! Jim-Bob sadly thinks about how
he spends his day and how utterly small an insect he is. He
gets up out of bed and bumps his head and walks out of the room
sauntering like a drunken buffoon he goes to the john (can't
piss on the lawn) standing sloppily he takes a piss and thinks
to himself well Betty-Mae she can't do this!! This momentary
state of fond vulgar reminiscence ends when Jim-Bob remembers
the toothpaste tube OOOOOH the toothpaste tube but it's not
toothpaste in there it's his daily dose of grey matter. In the
morning Jim-Bob goes into the bathroom and opens up the medicine
cabinet he takes out two large toothpaste tubes he unscrews both
toothpaste tubes and then takes one into each hand he shoves the
tube openings into his nostrils and up UP his nose and squeezes
the tubes' contents into his head NO this is not toothpaste it
is Instant Brains From A Toothpaste Tube after about five
minutes of squeezing the tubes are empty and what was in them
now rests in Jim-Bob's skull now Jim-Bob is ready to face the
world and burn his brains out once again at his job. Ready to
face the world Jim-Bob huh and ready to uh burn your brains out
once again uh at your job huh? HAW HAW!!! Poor old Jim-Bob
can't even remember what his job is the dumb goof's been working
it so long it's become second nature it's become his life's
purpose HAW HAW HAW!!! Jim-Bob thinks about how he would be
better off dead now because his life seems to have absolutely no
meaning now with Betty-Mae gone what will he do?? Jim-Bob faces
the music and this is what he gets in return??? IT AIN'T
FAIR!!!!!! So many like Jim-Bob so many robots so many machines
here. Oh give me a chance Hairy Krishchun oh please if I only
had a brain oh but I want a mind a mind that I won't have to
burn out every day at my job that I can't even remember
even!!!!!! Oh PULLLEEEEZZZ Mr Krishchun sir!!!!!!
Well Mr Krishchun better known of course as Hairy Krishchun or
just plain Hairy uh the same guy with the horny phony articulate
voice oh well he still hasn't finished his little uh
paratelevised pap session sermon called by the way The Hare
Krsna Christian Science Show and so the preacher continues
"Certainly many human beings. Everything of conducting business
world becomes an racy and respect for individual exploitation."
Poor brainless Jim-Bob right now is in a state of total friggin'
hysterical paranoia confusion and the poor sucker has just found
out that he is about as significant as an insect (not to say
that any of us aren't any better!) and he is pleading with Hairy
Krishchun sir for a life oh and if he only had a brain. Hearing
more about this nutty thang called exploitation and how it's
what our here world is fuelled by just about pushes Jim-Bob over
the edge Jim-Bob will never be the same. Jim-Bob feels the cold
steel shaking pressed up against his throbbing temple staring at
the floor feeling empty and useless he notices the pool of
spilled beer expanding in all directions wider and wider in
which he can see the reflection of the TV screen. "Science,
however, asserts greed, humans become measure of Christliness
toward each other, member, the oneness of divine beings, and
toward demonstrated (even demo-karmic reactions business
meetings). In with humanity, and of Christianity is brought the
end of the circumstances. God." God. God. Jim-Bob already
feels dead life just isn't fair when dogma raids your freedom
like that from birth. "The very different ape understand and
simple living and humanity can hope to see natural lifestyle and
follow, the authors human beings are living and high can be
wonderful."
Jim-Bob don't know uh not sure if uh he even still alive or if
he uh ever was alive. Hairy Krishchun combined religions in
evil manner cause confusion awareness depression nihilism
suicidal after all two goods make a definite evil. Jim-Bob
notices the pool of spilled blood expanding in all directions
wider and wider in which he can see the reflection of the TV
screen OOPS that's Jim-Bob's blood that's spilled!!!!! But
how?? Jim-Bob feels the cold steel shaking pressed up against
his throbbing temple HEY that's a gun or it was a gun!!!?
BANG!!!! The nightmare is over.
THE MAN WHO SOLD HIS SHIT TO THE WORLD
by nobody, Patron Saint of Insignificance
Humans had become such pathetic creatures
by the closing years of the twentieth century
that they lost the ability
to distinguish between
media that entertained them and
media that manipulated them.
So one eminent celebrity
decided to
sell the feces
that he had excreted from his very own anus
to the stupid world.
The bastard was a manipulative genius,
because masses of morons
bought his shit
and ate it too;
the same way that you and I do
in a less literal sense
today.
By Gregory Kalyniuk
DESTREAMING: A REBUTTAL
by Jay Terpstra and Gregory Kalyniuk
Next year, high schools across Ontario will experience a
change in structure with the implementation of destreaming.
Destreaming acts in the elimination of the three stream level
directions in grade nine, and as a one year continuation of
elementary school-like placement. The quality of an elementary
school education may well determine which of these directions a
student is streamed into. There are doubtlessly thousands of
students each year who are streamed into lower level courses
before realising their full potential. In many cases, the
reason they do not realise their full potential is because their
elementary school failed to provide an environment in which
mental and social development were properly emphasised. Indeed,
in many cases streaming is a negatively reprecussive fork in the
academic road for students who haven't yet realised what they
are capable of taking on in life. Destreaming aims to integrate
students in the above situation with better adjusted students in
grade nine instead of immediately segregating them; in essence,
giving them one more year to realise their potential in a more
hospitable learning environment.
In the November/December edition of the Garnet
(Humberside's official school newspaper), there appeared a
well-written article by Brian Gardner on the above topic which
unfortunately presented an elitist, condescending, poorly
thought out argument against the implementation of destreaming
in grade nine, an opinion which is all to common among many
narrow-minded Toronto students. The rebuttal you are now
reading is in response to Gardner's ridiculously overblown
negative predictions for the effects of destreaming. We intend
to expose this article for what it truly is: a groundless
travesty of an analysis, concocted by a person who would have us
suppressed, never realising our full potential, rather than
growing in an environment in which mental and social development
is possible for all.
Let us first make clear now that destreaming will only be
present up to and not beyond grade nine. It is quite clear that
Gardner anticipates a life full of cut-throat hierarchies and
class systems after high school, but it is depressing to think
that he would want such principles to prevail in public schools
as well. One strong argument for destreaming is the statistic
that shows an incredibly large number of young
minority-background children being dead-ended into the basic
level direction (that is, being placed in the lowest level
courses). There are many junior-level students who have yet to
develop their minds and discover who they are and what life is
all about. To stream students into near-irreversible directions
at such a young age shows a lack of effort and insight by the
system. How many potentially bright children have had their
glimmer of potential stomped into oblivion by this inconsiderate
system upon entry into high school, or, more importantly, still
in elementary school, by ill-equipped elementary school
teachers? Destreaming is not the catastrophic end to all as
Gardner arrogantly concludes; it is simply a minor attempt at
solving a major problem.
Let us consider the phenomenon of dead-ended
minority-background children. Various complex sociological
factors are at play in making their education of a poorer
general quality than the education of more privileged children,
language skills and life experiences being just two
possibilities. Many less privileged children are streamed into
the basic and general level directions to go on to become our
future exploited prolateriats, performing menial tasks;
certainly not the "alternative" artwork and craftswork that
Gardner seems to believe basic and general level students go on
to do. Destreaming's objectives are quite simple and minimal:
because there are fewer high schools than elementary schools,
high schools will have enrolled in them students from different
elementary schools and different backgrounds. Destreaming hopes
to allow these students to integrate and benefit from their
mutual differences, over the course of one school year, thus
allowing the less privileged to make the grade for advanced
level placement in the following year. A slightly larger number
of minority-background students will successfully take the
advanced level direction because they are given one more year to
develop and realise their ability.
Carola Lane, the Assistant Deputy Minister of Education,
has said that destreaming should never be construed as a program
in which "good students" help "not-so-good students." However,
Gardner seems to bestow these roles upon students in a
patronising and insulting manner. After Gardner says that he
doesn't believe that "good students" should be forced to take on
the responsibility of "tutoring" "not-so-good students," he goes
on to say that enriched classes offer a special environment
where the students enrolled share common interests and goals,
and that a person having different interests and goals inserted
into such a class would destroy the learning environment. For
someone who professes to write about the real world, Gardner
would seem to prefer being in an elitist atmosphere where there
is very little diversity of people and thought; a perfect place
to build self-serving pompous attitudes. He insults anyone who
has ever been involved in an enriched class when he says that
such students all think and work in the same way. Such an
environment would be reminiscent of Nazi Germany, if not to the
dystopian vision of such science-fiction classics as Fritz
Lang's Metropolis. For someone who obviously has a deep
interest in school, it is unfortunate that selective rewards are
Gardner's priority, leaving the desire to learn to be seemingly
lost. Learning should not take on the form of a rat race in
which students are in continuous competition for recognition,
but rather it should be a process in which the student
stimulates his own mental/social growth through the successful
accumulation of useful knowledge. We would certainly not expect
anyone believing in the former example to be capable of ever
understanding a topic as complex as destreaming.
The day that grades one to nine symbolise the Olympics is
the day that the school system is truly defunct. The Olympics
are a competitive institution of elite athletes who dedicate
their lives to attaining the gold medal. We would think school
to be an environment in which individual growth and learning are
encouraged, especially in the early grades. If Gardner prefers
a more competitive, selective atmosphere, we would advise him to
immediately transfer to U.C.C. or to a school in Japan, where
competitive schooling is so strong that "not-so-good" students
often commit suicide. In a recent issue of the Globe and Mail,
freelance writer Scott Nesbitt revealed that thirty percent of
Japanese students are streamed out of academic courses by the
age of fourteen, their dim futures already written. Both of us
agree that if we had been schooled in Japan, we would either now
be working low-paying, menial jobs, or we would have (and this
is a worst case scenario) already killed ourselves out of grief.
Because we were given a chance in an unstreamed elementary
school system, we benefitted from placement in a collegiate
school, and we can both look forward to post-secondary
education. However, in Gardner's preferred world, both of us
would be denied future education because we would apparently
"not belong in the same classes as . . . future doctors and
engineers any more than a sumo wrestler would belong in the
national ballet," to quote our elitist counterpart.
It is the insulting condescension of Gardner's article that
is most unfortunate. He says that it "would be much better not
to mislead these people." In other words, if an eight-year-old
boy has a difficult time articulating what he did on the
weekend, or cannot grasp mathematical equations as quickly as
another student, then the system should adopt the responsibility
of telling that child that he is of a lower intellect, and
streaming him accordingly. Being streamed into a lower
direction will only reinforce this message, convincing him that
he could never cut it in university or even in a community
college. But Gardner insists that this is a mere "alternative,"
something determined by a difference in strengths and weaknesses
in certain fields. We would like to point out again that basic
level students do not predominantly go on to do artwork or
craftswork. Such students go on to take the most demeaning of
jobs, being paid pittance and exploited for all they are worth.
Would Mr. Gardner please care to explain how it is that students
with "different abilities" possess a certain "talent" to (for
instance) empty the contents of a trash can into a truck full of
trash? Perhaps if he performed this task for a day he would
realise that it is not an "alternative," but a dead end.
Perhaps one of Gardner's most ignorant pieces of pseudo-analysis
is the statement made that "the world does not function on
nuclear physicists and lawyers alone," right after setting forth
the opinion that not everyone should go to university. Does he
really believe that universities only offer courses for future
nuclear physicists and lawyers? Is university just another step
in Gardner's competitive world, the step that bridges the way to
the big career, and to the continued corporate rat race?
Students whose ambitions include writing, visual arts, film,
journalism, educating and just plain accumulation of worldly
knowledge all belong in university. It is our belief that
everyone should aim to go to university, not nessecarily to
learn a profession, but simply to evolve into more cultured
beings. To sum up his article, Gardner says that "it is [the]
very fact that people are different that makes life
interesting." We agree with this, but not with the underlying
message that Gardner has so craftily interwoven into this
ambiguous statement. Gardner would prefer these different
people not to interfere in his Olympic-like ambitions, but
rather rank many levels beneath him in a class system,
disadvantaged in that they never reach their full potential.
Gardner's attitude reminds us of Anglican Archbishop Findley and
his comments about homosexuals, how he has dined with them many
times but would never consider allowing them to work in his
church. Yes, people are different; but you, Mr. Gardner, want
this difference to dictate which social class we are streamed
into, and under your rules, both of us would rank many levels
beneath you.
It is unfortunate that Gardner views grades one to nine as
a place to start building hierarchies in which various people
can be put into permanent ranks and roles. We would prefer to
look at the interests and abilities of students as simply
different and without order of best to worst; an abstract,
unmapped -archy of roles and abilities, if you will. In
other words, it is great that people are different, but that
should not mean that they should be segregated into social
classes. In a classroom full of diverse opinions and interests,
the student will learn and develop more completely than
otherwise. Perhaps the reason that it is so difficult for even
the most esteemed students of Humberside to grasp the concept of
and reasons behind destreaming is because of the high reputation
of our own school, with its complete range of advanced level
courses and handful of token general level courses (and the
absence of any basic level courses). It is our opinion that the
elitist, condescending views and attitudes of people like Brian
Gardner are the exact reason why destreaming should be mandatory
up to and including grade nine.
THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ANYBODY WITH ACCESS TO A PHOTOCOPIER
an anti-intro by Gregory Kalyniuk (nobody)
Take a step back from everyday normalcy reality friends and
family take a look at what you do what you've done where you're
going if you're going and now ask yourself: "What purpose does
my measly existence serve anyway? What do I do?" Well if
you're in school working your ass off trying to earn a spot on
that list plaqued on the wall in the main hall then chances are
that you are doing nothing nothing nothing. Trying to get good
marks so you could get ahead in life get married move to
suburbia spawn and decades later on your deathbed you can
happily say: "Well, I've lived a normal life just like
everybody else I've raised brats who reflect my own
narrow-minded ideals dysfunctions just like everybody else I
exploited others and was exploited just like everybody else I
bought into the General Electric truth and only the GE truth
just like everybody else now I'm gonna die just like everybody
else and I haven't even tried to leave anything for future
generations to see that I tried to do my own thing. . .just like
everybody else. . . ." If you don't believe me now then you
probably never will. . .because the older you get the harder it
gets to accept it, 'cause you're selling out more and more every
year and even if you do understand one day you won't want to
face it 'cause that'll mean accepting that most of it was all
bullshit. . . . And the only way to go on strike against the
system and have genuine success is if we all get involved. .
.and of course one of the system's most powerful weapons for
confusing us away from the idea of strike is the media. .
.that's why we've got to create our own media. . .we've got to
create 'zines. . .or, as I prefer calling them now,
photocopyations. . . .
Gregory Kalyniak is the founder of nobody photocopyations. He publishes
comics, short stories and various other kinds of neat things.
To receive many of his other writings he can be contacted through T.A.O.
/-/\-\ The Anarchy Organization |
/ / \ \ Free Minds For Free Lives ( | )
--|-/----\-\-- yakimov@ecf.utoronto.ca \|/
\/ \/ jterpstra@trentu.ca `_^_'