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café au lait, s'il vous plaît.

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she says i'm not meant to be alone,

but shivers run through me

whenever i think of opening myself up again.

she sees my present,

how it relates to my past, my future—

i'm behind, she says;

only about three years or so

but still behind, and

she says, there's two!

two soulmates—

one of which i may have,

well, missed

the opportunity;

and my mind remembers

the last conversation

with the man i've been in love with since i met him

over 12 years ago,

lashing out at the only person

who may have seen me

for me

and still liked what he saw,

but he never sought to fight for me

which i think is what i wanted all along—

another, she says, floating

around me, but it'll be slow, she says;

but i am not wont for waiting—

and is there something so wrong with me

that it takes that much convincing?

sure, i'll never be the one to enter a room

and someone find themselves in love

by just a glance,

watching me across the room—

so fine,

what if i take my toys and go home?

if no one will have me, that's just as well;

then alone i shall remain,

filling my time with interests,

hobbies, friends, and

what i want to do, and live.

happier all the more.

but she says i'm meant to be with someone

at my level or above,

whatever that means;

that i'm not meant to be alone,

even if i see myself that way—

declaring myself officially done

to spare myself another heartache.

because now, the inverse is now scarier—

have i wasted so much time

building up so many walls,

pushing away so many people?

has my walled garden become a prison?

instead,

whenever i see a loving couple

(real or fictional, really)

or feel the longing bubbling inside of me,

i swallow down the feelings,

shoving them down hard

and hardening against the shivers

that accompany.

i'm sorry, i know what she says;

i'm not meant to be alone,

but i've never seen it,

so how would i know?

pour another?