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When I say that I have nothing I don't mean that in a materialistic sense. But rather that I am/have nothing without the people I regularly talk to. Without my friends, without my family. I have no skills, I am not particularly funny, and people probably don't enjoy my companionship all that much. I see no value in myself. And I don't think that it's low self-esteem or anything, just the realization that there is no point to life. I do have my goals and such, but.. the greatest joy I get out of life is when I can make others happy by being there for them.. by being a "good friend" you may call it that. I don't feel like I'm particularly successful at that, but I'm trying my best. I've.. never really been the best or even good at something. I've always just kind of rolled along as the loser/noob/beginner of a certain group and somehow I never seem to have managed to work myself up. Maybe it was due to a lack of motivation, the most frustrating about it is though that I don't feel the urge the change anything about that because it feels meaningless due to it's unachievability. I feel like I don't even have to try because I'm not going to make it anyway. Maybe this is just one of the lows of being pretty much a nihilist, and arguably a bad human being. Maybe I am unknowingly dissatisfied with myself. I don't know. I just want to experience some things, I don't want to sit around in my room anymore but I can't seem to escape it. I'm the one who needs to take the steps but I don't know what these steps are and if I do, I'm not.. strong enough to take them.
I you read this to the end. Thank you, and have a nice day :)
If you want to comment or give your opinion on this feel free to contact me
XMPP: me@metalune.xyz
E-Mail: me@metalune.xyz
Matrix: @metalune:sigmaa.ems.host
Mastodon: @metalune@fosstodon.org