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Dear Our Lawyer,
In the light of the Lee Marvin case, I was wondering if there might be
anything in it for me. While I am not exactly a mistress, there is no doubt
that the man from the flat upstairs has been down here and done it on three
occasions, to my certain knowledge. It occurred to me I might be entitled to
his stereo set, or his electric kettle at the very least. What is my position?
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Firstly, I ought to tell you that the principle of Is There Anything In It For
Me? has no construction in law. It is not, thank God, the basis upon which
English Law is founded. That basis remains, Is There Anything In It For Us?
In your case, the law is still in a state of flux; which means, briefly,
that we haven't tried it on yet. As in so many other vital areas -- the
tinned martini, the mobile massage parlour, the cocaine aerosol -- American
Law is in the juridical vanguard, and it may well be years before the rest of
the world catches up. Take, for example, plea bargaining: American lawyers
may now take up to 25% of the damages they obtain for clients, but it could be
twenty years before English law rights the present injustice against its
unhappy practitioners, by which time their American brothers will doubtless be
carrying home 90% or more. Which is as it should be: after all, what good is
a million dollars to, say, a living vegetable? Can he buy a Maserati with it?
A power boat? A big Mulatto soubrette?
What I am trying to say is that whatever the final outcome of the Marvin
case, the lawyers involved will have found it worth bringing. In YOUR affair,
I would not even be allowed a go on the electric kettle, and my fee, to judge
from your letter written on the back of an unpaid United Dairies final demand,
would be little more than risible. However, the fee is not everything, and
what we may be looking at is a chance to write a new chapter in the history of
our law.
The best place to write it, in my professional view, would be either the
Sunday People or the Sun, depending on the quality of the snaps we manage to
arrange. As your lawyers, we should be more than happy to act as your agent
in the necessary negotiations, for the usual commission, and we look forward
eagerly to your instructions.
As to your final question, there's no answer to that! (Morecambe v. Wise,
Queen's Bench Division, 1971).