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>>Access Denied Publications Presents... "SysOp Suicide! (A Day in the Life of a System Operator)" By James C. Goldbloom (@) March 1988. ADP, Inc. P R E F A C E: The daylight has not yet become visible and an illuminating glow from the moon, resting low in the early morning sky, falls upon the keyboard and the entanglement of varied wires, patchcords and plugs resting silently upon the formica topped computer stand. The hour is fifteen minutes before six, and the unconcious desire to yawn goes unnoticed by the cat stretched solemnly on my lap, absorbed within intense sleep. The animal should be so lucky, as I cannot close an eyelid after what I had been through the last 70 hours. There he sits, nevertheless, dreaming of catnip and front claws, or whatever it is which worries spoiled felines. Here I sit, typing mercilessly at the keyboard, in a vain attempt to describe in common text just what being a System Operator (known as 'SysOp') encompasses. The words do not adequately portray the emotional and physical requirements of this often misunderstood and frequently expensive hobby known as online telecommunications. I have four long, incredible years of frontline battlefield existence, and the 'trenches' of the wonderous world of modems are muddy, deep, and full of strange viruses which belittle the most stoic of the online genre. For this is the night I disconnect the modem for the last time, when I will place both backup and original user disks in never ending storage, and for the first time in my life, use my word processor without feeding programs and control codes through this aged modem. In short, using simple and very carefully chosen wording, my days as SysOp are no longer. This small contribution to the presently, and probably eternally, unbuilt libraries of the Online Archives Building is my Last Will and Testament, my final eulogy, my hyperbole laden memoirs of just one 24 hour, mundane, typical day in the life of the poor being known as-- The SysOp. To these brave and electronically tormented individuals, it is with respect I devote this text. P A R T O N E: "Starting a New Day" The day in the life of a SysOp begins in the wee hours, when the toothpaste tastes like Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, and beard stubble has grown on the inside of your mouth. The crazy aspect of it all is that the modem stays on all day and night, tirelessly answering phone calls, taking messages, and never voicing even one complaint. Fully automated generosity, without regard to anything remotely related to humanity. Thus, when the clock strikes six, and the digital displayed tone-activated alarm clock sings its song, I open my eyes, pick the eye-guk out, and watch the cat choke once again on the same furball he has been ingesting for the last ten years. Clothes are not important in the privacy of one's own computer room. I suspect the most beautifully insane aspect of operating a modem is that a certain amount of anonymity can be displayed without fear of Alan Funt jumping out behind your mirror and announcing you will make the syndicated version of Candid Camera Strikes Again. Sitting on the soft cloth of the chair which nobody but myself would plop upon, called The Captain's Chair by even the most naive young SysOps, I lift my aching arms to do the usual exercises, preparing myself for endless hours of peck-typing. Being a SysOp is a painfully arthritic occupation, and it is a noted statistical fact that more knuckles and tendons have been destroyed typing a simple validation message than most boxers would suffer in a 15 round heavyweight fight, without gloves. To avoid 'occurences', the mainstream and well noted computer lingo for 'accidents', one must be in shape. So after benchpressing the monitor 20 times and leg-lifts under the printer stand, I'm ready to start a new day in front of the setup. To begin the online session I must first check out the hardware for rapidly blinking lights, those inevitable little morse code glitches of pulsating trouble which always spell out the letters 'AH' in Morse Code. Scribbling upon a piece of paper the alphabetical equivalent of the blinking morse code would make it seem, and fittingly so, as if the device in question were -- with a bit of imagination -- SCREAMING. But I do the real hollering, and hopefully a simple troubleshooting will remedy the lights. Of course, if one cannot see ANY lights, then it is time to invest in something other than microchip technology as a hobby. Or, don't sit so close to the monitor. Luma rays supposedly cause brain rot. Before I continue, as the reader you should note being a SysOp simply is not a cup of tea, and requires above average tolerance for the technical aspects and detriments of online communication. I suggest a few books, such as the number one best seller (in China), 'Kung Fu and Commodore Too' by the honorable Yokihana Manicottison, or, recommended by the National Counsel for Mentally Deranged SysOps (and Reader's Digest's book of the month through all of 1955), 'Aligning Your Disk Drives Using Atomic Waste' by someone named Oppenheimer. Never heard of him, but it has great diagrams, and a free sample packet with every book. Where were we? Oh yes. After the initial system check, the first order of business is to login to my own system. This is not fun, when I attempt to access and discover your ID code has been changed to negative five, and my password describes part of the anatomy of a ground hog. But after a few quick changes in the data files, access is restored and entry into the system is near. As sweat meanders down my face, and hair folicles stand on end as I pray all 300 users are intact, the all too familair title screen appears as one more night of restless sleep is greatfully forgotten. The time is now ten minutes after six, and in less than two hours I will have to shower, shave and stuff unedible pieces of melba toast down my esophogus. Stop gagging, a SysOp has a low budget for basic staples such as food, heat, or similar modern conveniences. Due to monetary woes, it just is not practical for me to even consider buying groceries, when the money could produce much more. Once, I avoided eating for three weeks to insure the disk drive was cooled by a new fan, which was not on sale. >> Coming Soon -- Part II !! << >>Access Denied Publications Presents... "SysOp Suicide Part II (Or -- A Day in the Life of a System Operator)" By James C. Goldbloom (@) March 1988. ADP, Inc. P A R T T W O: "Time To Make the Donuts..." The inevitable part of running a system is allowing access to the people for whom you supposedly cater: The user. Of course, this is not true. The real reason I run my system, sitting here drinking this off-pink colored strawberry flavored 'Quick' drink, is to collect fees. Naturally, there is no way in Hell a user will pay to call on an open phone line, spend 30 minutes typing without being able to even trade a cracked game. You see, I run a non-fee accessed public message system, with no file transfers to be accessed or even viewed by the remote user. I ask for no contributions, unless they include credit card numbers or titles and deeds signed over to my name. Well, if someone INSISTED, I may consider. However, it is not a common practice for an Operator like myself to demand money for something a user can access on a FREE phone line. Was this an editorial? Dangit. I didn't mean to do that. Let's move on. Time to make the donuts! That commercial should be the motto of all SysOps even if they can afford to pay someone else to purge files, reply to all electronic mail, or simply boot a user off the board for callous remarks. By the way, when it comes to ethics, SysOps do not have any. Well, when I first ran the system I was naive, young, full of unrelenting energy which abounded into a flowing display of creative and brilliant ideology. Hell, that wore off within a week, right after the disk drive ate the userlog and indiscreetly spat it out, hub ring first. In the REAL world of SysOping, 'time to make the donuts' means I must spend all my free hours, including those precious moments when I just HAVE to shake the weenie, upkeeping the system. Ugh, that's disgusting. Sorry, what do you expect in a public domain file? As I was saying, the point is simply this: Time must be set aside for routine maintenance and chores, which are many and time consuming. Ask any SysOp, and he or she will tell you point blank, without the slightest bit of hesitation, "It aint worth it, pal!" It is worth it, and if I believed everything I said, I would have remained a user for six years and still be calling out at 300 bits per second, using a datasette recorder in a vain attempt to save 46.5K worth of buffered data so I can avoid taking notes. Those days are long gone (for most of us, and if this scenario rings true to you, no nasty commentary please, I own a Pittbull and my other hobby is Ninja warfare) but not forgotten. The hardware I use to run the system is complicated, and the average setup for the virgin Operator usually costs around $1500.00, and that is not including the floppies, thousands of pens and labels necessary to insure proper organization. If I had a penny for all the pieces of printer paper used to display caller logs, error reports, and other data being generated at unbelievabe rates I would be able to buy stock into Compuserve. Welcome to the real world, kiddo. A SysOp must take advantage of the resources which are available, and steal anything else necessary to get the job done. By the way, there are no time for drugs or addictive stimulants to maintain the peak level of operating efficiency. If I was a drug dealer, would I be typing this text? Don't answer that. To conclude this section of the text, it is wise to understand the most basic reason of why a SysOp does what must be done. I have discussed the fact that there is no money to be gained, there is no advantage in terms of building or growing something to show for it, and certainly anyone in their sane mind would never pay to access a service which is a local phone call away. Why do I do it? You should be thinking of a few reasons. They could be the education of the mind, expanding your talents and creativity in a way so your community could benefit. Or, to trade information, resources and ideas, relating with your peers, and being offered varied opinions and moral beliefs with which you could ponder, henceforth originating your own specific values upon man and his environment. Possibly to offer solutions to world crises and bring forth changes that may not be possible unless a large group of caring and highly motivated strangers band together and form a common bond to take action and become united. Nah. The real reason is simple: We do it for SEX. >> Coming Soon -- Part III << "SysOp Suicide -- Part III" (Revised) From Access Denied Publications, Inc. 1988 By: James C. Goldbloom Part III: "The Ethics of Operating" Before I continue with the story, it is only advisable to the reader that they understand the social and legal issues which plague the calm and steadfast operation of an online system. To name but a few of the dilemnas which wreak havoc among computer entrepeneurs: hacking, phreaking, leeching, black-listing and of course the ever popular (ugh) crashing. That last one should not even be mentally imaged, and the SysOp shudders and shakes in his or her chair with possibilites of involuntary bowel movement. This portion of the text describes one afternoon when I encountered the most feared, awe inspired and horrible type of user -- the crasher. If there were to be a sort of 10 commandments of online ethics, right after thou shalt not commit adultry would be thou shalt not illegally enter an ID which is greater than the national debt. One day when I was sitting in my captain's chair, smoking a camel right after some really good -- validations (the closest computer term for sex) I watched a user login as a new user. At first this bright individual had the smarts to hit the HELP command a few times and learn his way around the amazon jungle of online corridors which branched in every which direction and seemed to lead nowhere. Suddenly, as the system asked for his handle or alias, he paused for what seemed an eternity and very gingerly entered: "The Disk Destroyer". Now, myself being a rather experienced Operator and luckily being witness to this dasterdly deed in person, I decided to lay low, and attempt to learn from the situation. Of course my hand was but a few milimeters away from the phone cord, just incase the human being on the other end decided to prove Darwin's theory of the missing link. The system verified this ID to be valid, and I cursed loudly. At the next prompt the system asked him his real name, to which another pause surmounted and out popped the not so amusing "Kill SysOp". I flustered a little, but kept reminding myself it was only a BBS, only a kid playing games, and I was going to delete him anyway and no damage would be done. I knew my system was indestrucatable, and all my safety nets would work perfectly. Of course, this user would NEVER guess the backdoor I had installed just incase even I was locked out of my own system. Never, in a million billion years could this yahoo guess the correct word. The likelihood of that happening, on his first try, was so astronomical, it was beyond the limitations of science. The little bastard got it on the first try. Then I began to drool a little and a slight degree of spittle ran down my neck and onto the cat, startled but not completely disrupted. Before I had the chance to disconnect, he had already opened up the backdoor and like the parting of the red seas, all the online 'water' poured out right into his lap on the other end it seemed, and to put it mildly, he nearly drowned from the sheer excitement of it all. In this order, he left feedback to me explaining what type of moron I was classified as and that the software was 'easy', far too easy and was of no challenge to him. He mentioned something about he and his buddies frolicing in my modem, dancing around the maintenance area, and basically short circuiting as much as he could in the alloted time (he gave himself 2 years before logoff). After this small note, he raised his access to mine, and proceeded to delete the userlog right before my eyes, and all I could do was pick my nose and pull the plug manually. But it was too late, the disk drives were scrambled. The most important lesson a potential sysop can learn is to make a backdoor for a backdoor, and backup your data disks frequently, or someone like "Mr. Kill SysOp" will backup your files for you, right into the toilet. What ever happened to online ethics? Doesn't anybody care about the social graces of online communication? I certainly do, and even though I am the first to admit I have my cynical side to life and often confuse right with wrong, I would never ever intentionally damage someone else's system. That is, unless they stole a mod from me or something like that... But more on that in part 4, entitled 'Modify & Murder'.... Part IV, coming soon! "SysOp Suicide --- Part IV" From Access Denied Publications, Inc. (1988) By: James C. Goldbloom Part IV: "Modifications and Murder" Unique. Supposedly, no two boards are the same. Users gather from varied backgrounds, SysOps pride themselves on having the latest modifications (which we in the business call 'mods') and the greatest online inventions which dare to make the user's modeming experiencing a much simpler and efficient one. The creative energies flow endlessly, and new ideas enable operators to enrapture the attention of the user thereby contributing to a start of the art board which improves the over-all quality of telecommunications. Hogwash. The truth of the matter is, we all steal like common, petty thieves and ride in on our electronic 'horses' and rape and pillage as much of the online community as possible with as much damage as can be done. When it comes to secrets, the word simply does not exist in the land of bulletin boards. The SysOp must deal with the constant painful threat of being electronically robbed of all ideas, and the BBS in question will end up being replicated in about 24 states and 5 countries around the globe in 8 different times zones in as quickly as 48 hours. It is amazing what a bit of buffering can do, and although mods are commonly duplicated without intention, there are always the retarded nymphs who simply lack basic intelligence to come up with something new. I personally cannot figure out why these people would do such deeds, because there is no pride in plagiarizing. No feeling of accomplishment, but nevertheless it is a common practicing among competing boards. The worst form of stealing mods is when the mod in question is displayed prominently on the second rate system, and the SysOp of that board gladly and quite distinctly takes full credit for the work. Once, when I saw my prompt line show up on a nearby BBS from no apparant act of charity on my part, I asked the SysOp to explain how the mod was accomplished, just to see what would happen. Needless to say, the ignorant one celled animal could not even begin to describe the complex nature of the prompt and probably could not spell his own name without the aid of a brain. When I prompted him to explain his method of capture of the mod, all I got was a quick disconnect. I caught that one. However many times my brain-blowing mods get duplicated time and time again, and like the old 'phone game', by the time it gets to the 100th system, the mod starts to deteriorate. It is then I wish to install a virus, and set it so at one particular date at one distinct time, all the boards with that mod will self destruct! It is nice to dream and get on these power hungry trips, but SysOping is an egotistical business, ok...? When it comes to the actual production of new mods, that is the time a normal and quite healthy human being can turn into a wretched and defenseless creature doomed to a life of rubber walls and straight jackets with 'murdered by the mod' tatooed on the vest pocket. To describe exactly what it is like to attempt a new mod is to equate a sperm attempting to enter the uterus and penetrate the egg for fertilization -- a massive array of mistakes and trial and error, mindlessly swimming around - bumping into EVERY obstacle. Manuals, you are thinking, that is why they invented manuals. To make a complicated 17,000 line software listing make sense, to enable an Operator to underastand each division and subdivision of the flow of data. Well throw the damn manuals away, if they are written in english then they probably are outdated or written for a version which looks or acts nothing like the board the Operator is running. The only uses I have for manuals are propping them under the kitty litter box for absorption or emergency bathroom tissue. All mods are usually a life threatening process of give and take, push and shove, and throw and kick. It is advisable all small children and any objects not stapled to the table be removed while a SysOp is modifying. Ask any wife or husband of any SysOp and the unanimous conjecture is that a SysOp in the middle of modifying is more likely to turn against friend and family then when drunken and armed with a shotgun. It's the truth, the patience simply runs out and even if the board owner is gnawing off their own fingernails or throwing spitballs at the monitor with slingshots, they better not be disturbed. That is the reason I destest someone stealing my mods. I put all that hard work into it, and slaved for hours on end before I figured out I spelled the word 'return' wrong somewhere in line 2534, which enabled the board to be booted and re-booted about 250 times in succession before I got it right. The selfless nerd who copies my work after ALL my work deserves... well, to be punished! At least, make them boot their boards 250 times in a row and see what happens to THEIR monitors when pens are flung at Mach-5 and become a permanent attachment to the glass. It aint easy being a programmer and SysOp at the same time, I wish it could be like Star Trek, just talk into the machine and ask for "One prompt with date and time displayed, something new and innovative" and after a second or two of regurgetation, the machine spits out a complete listing (with documentation) fit for a king. No such luck, and the best we can do for now is sit on our butts and spend hours trying to be creative, and when that first user logs on and sees the mod, comments nicely about it in feedback, and logs off a satisfied customer, well -- it makes it all worth it. So long as he hasn't buffered the whole damn thing and has already echo-mailed it to the 'hackers-haven' computer club in Colombia, South America...... Coming Soon, Part 5 -- "Dealing with Sub-Operators, the Helpers" >>Access Denied Publications Presents... "SysOp Suicide -- The Series, Volume 1" Written By: James C. Goldbloom with assistance from Liz Reynolds P A R T F I V E: The Magic & Madness of Making Messages: A Study The following field study and report was compiled from countless years of personal experience as a System Operator. The opinions expressed herein are unimportant, inane, obtuse, and uncorrolated. But DAMNED if it don't make good readin'... HYPOTHESIS & INTRODUCTION: ========================= YOU have just logged onto the BBS of your choice and you are confronted by the options menu. You think to yourself, "AH HA! Why not check out the message bases and see what the other users are thinking?" Hesitantly your fingers are poised to hit the command that will bring you face to face with the aspect of on-line communication often misunderstood and rarely observed: DISCUSSION! History plays a role in the birth and eventual maturity of such discussion. In the beginning, God created raw data. Naturally, most users were confronted with tempting and voluptuous features of Bulletin Boards which involve the trading of files, the exchange of technical enhancements, and the beauty and freedom of mastering the art of this electronic medium. When the earth was a molten mass, when an Apple was something that was ingested and a Commodore ALWAYS went down with his ship, Bulletin Boards were initially utilized for the office jockey who delivered memos and other work related materials to fellow computer novices. In this archaic beginning, (cue the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey) this information represented the sterile and utterly insensitive automation of "data transfer." Thrilling as reading expiration dates on condom packages, but please continue... By the time of Christ, avid computer Apostles upon a whim decided to preach the Gospel of electronic interaction amongst the masses. These early teachings brought about the discovery of that which has now been deemed mundane, staid, and pathetic: communication. Not between silicon and wire, but flesh and blood. Dedicated purely to preserving necessary humanity (HINT: PROFOUND STATEMENT!). You're probably asking what the heck all this means, aren't you? What does religion and history have to do with the modeming scene? Nothin', but that's not the point of this verbose paragraphing. What really matters is the magic of message making, and how fantastic the grammar is within the preceding text. I am just kidding about the formal prose, as what is really important is how the sexual behavior of non-consenting adults is "splattered" on messages bases like caged rabbits on a bad episode of Wild Kingdom. However, messages do take on many forms and challenge the reader to think, to create, and to become involved. That is what's truly inspiring and has been forgotten. Anonymity, adult subject matter, file transfer, high baud rates, unfriendly software and a disdain to tradition all contribute to the erosion of honest and meaningful dialogue. This text was written to allow a reader, like yourself, to view on-line direct communication in a predecent or standard which has always existed, but sadly is dormant to many. Now don't fall asleep on me yet, as there is a point to be made. Hopefully soon, and here is some research data I collected over the years to support my theory... MEANINGLESS DATA TO PROVE IT: ============================ Those who contribute to this downfall of the online community have names, of course, and let me take a moment of your valuable online time to list but a few of these insensitive, crass, impudent and disgustingly oblivious individuals. I won't mention names unless they've deleted me on their systems (don't press that STOP key, I'm just joking). Instead I will produce for your enterainment dollar a general classification listing, complete with species name, habitat, migratory patterns, life cycle -- and if necessary, the "mating rituals" and socio-economic status of such creatures within the online kingdom. (This listing will be from the highest level of the food chain to the lowest form of online life possible.) SPECIES HABITAT DESCRIPTION (Migratory/Mating/Behavioral Patterns) ======= ======= ================================================== Patron ANY BBS Contributes selflessly to ALL message bases Saint with creative and intelligent conversation. (Scientific Name: Championi Supportrius) Garden ANY BBS Frequents sub-boards routinely, posting very Variety interesting but umemorable form fed generic responses of unoriginal context. (Scientific Name: Flora No-Weedius) Scarce ANY BBS Has difficulty finding the messages, but somehow Scribbler types the reply command by accident. General chit chat directed towards no one in particular. (Scientific Name: Scantius Doodlecti) Credit MOST BBS Only interested in increasing file transfer credits, Fanatic allotted time or access. Racks these up like trophy points. Can be seen, and hunted, but rarely heard. (Scientific Name: Charjum Visacum) Typ-O 101 MOST BBS Backspaces 100 words per minute. Needs a dictionary Scholar to spell one syllable words, is totally oblivious to the raping of the English language. (Scientific Name: Coronas Backspacious) Rampant ANY BBS Even the simplest greeting becomes akin to the Run-On Gettysburg Address in long hand. Verbosity and excrutiating dullness impact with each sentence. Messages are a wonderful cure for insomnia. (yawn) (Scientific Name: Babbleus Eternius) Techno- MOST BBS Preceeds text with line numbers. Gloats of all Nerd programaming conquests openly on any message base. Constantly quotes technical manuals and similar uninteresting jargon. Excessive breeding within this catagory discounts ANY hope of extinction. (Scientific Name: Floppius Pee-Wee-nus) National ALL BBS If bathroom walls could talk! Studies mating habits Inquirer of other species. Coverts confidential tidbits to maintain dominance over other species. Poor self image and grooming habits. Predatory creature. (Scientific Name: Buttinskius YurBizness) SysOp's ALL BBS Constant feedback and mail of an irrelevent nature Suck-Up from this species wasting valuable disk space and precious time of the Operator. Usually to gain additional status in the social ladder. Blatantly obvious and a professional BROWN-NOSER. (Scientific Name: Operatum Fellatio-scum) Chronic MOST BBS Proficient at reporting (publicly) every minute Complainer flaw in the system software. Never satisfied with access levels, etc., but offers their constantly neglected suggestions for unnecessary improvement. (Scientific Name: Perpetuous Bad Bitchius) Old ALL BBS An on-line fossil, virtually adopted by the SysOp, Faithful a permanent fixture since the board's conception. Suffers from Geritol induced flash-backs of the "good" old days, but nobody seems to care. (sigh) (Scientific Name: Primordius Geezeratum) Absolute MOST BBS Wanders aimlessly through discussions which go Airhead beyond their miniscule intellect and capacity to absorb thought. Although totally confused about the simplest meanings of expressed opinion, biology and reproduction are engrained into their genes! (Scientific Name: Cranious Lobotomus) Connoisseur ALL BBS Putrid display of atypical sexual "-philias", i.e. of Kink necrophilia, farm-animalophilia, etc., even on the public sections! Illicit fantasies and other abnormalities of anonymous lust monopolizes any and all topics of discussion. Cross species mating is well documented, including (ahem) single gender (ahem) social "intercourse". (Scientific Name: Rob Lowe-us Minoris) Frequent *ALL BBS* Has never discoverd the "pause" key or command. Flyer Reads every third line (partially) and barely comprehends the meaning. May find topics of interest, yet prone only to reply when conversation is directed at themself. Requires baud rates GREATER than the speed of light, and does not know the meaning of the word "buffer". (Scientific Name: Blastum Inius Outius) Mongers of *ALL BBS* Fornicators of filth, habitually reducing eloquent Manure dialogue to sickening sewer scum. Complete, immoral, unethical, anti-social, and outright grotesque abuse of the English language. Offensive to ALL users and Operators, be it intentional or not. WARNING: Easy prey, deleted upon discovery of such vulgarity by any and all SysOps. (Scientific Name: Flingus Fecius In Fan-ius) The Phantom *ALL BBS* Elusive, unidentified wanderer through any or all Phreak message areas, who simply does NOT contribute. Mating, eating, migratory habits: UNKNOWN. The most feared on-line predator with a callous dis- regard for ANY aspect of terminal communications. Abusive of other users time and waste of usable electricity and phone lines! Excessive breeding. (Scientific Name: No Participato Spirito) Disclaimer: The above classifications are designed to descibe the spirit, ---------- essence, and personality of typical BBS users. Any references to particular persons have been cleverly and deceptively altered to protect no one. CONCOCTED SUMMARIZATION: ======================= In closing, there are many types of on-line habitants who possess the above characteristics including some not listed due to necessary censorship. Also, many such individuals may cross over into more than one catagory, or dabble in a little bit of them all. Please note this listing is factually represented with respect to a PURELY scientific study (*B.S. ALERT*) based on years of intensive and excrutiating field investigations. Or...something like that. It sounds good, anyway. Researched By: The Author and Trusty Research Assistant (two people obsessed with BBS social misbehavior) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- For incomplete journal transcripts and copies of fabricated test results, or if you wish to comment on this in-depth study of on-line human behavioral patterns be sure to contact my public "research" line: Access Denied Public Message System (301) 761-6216 24hrs/300-1200 8N1 Online since 1985, Dedicated to the users. If you like this file please feel free to distribute it. I am sure you will continue research on your own when you call more systems, as there ARE a surplus of available test subjects like those listed here... Get your note pad ready!