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sega gamegear

The other day I saw a picture of a SEGA Gamegear and I cried.

I had one as a kid. I remember the day, prompted by nothing that I was aware of, my mom brought me to Toys'R'Us. I don't think I'd asked for one. She'd decided to get me one. We went in, her knowing what she wanted to get for me. She got me the console, a case, and a few games.

She died shortly after that -- a few weeks, maybe a few months after.

I don't remember playing with the Gamegear often. I don't remember playing with anything much, to be honest. I remember hiding from adults and being shuttled from even to event; from school to a friend's place to my grandma's house.

I saw an article a few days ago -- the Gulf Stream seem to be destabilizing.

Today the UN released a major climate report. The report stats that, regardless of action *today* we're in for at least 30 years of destabilized climate. There is still time if the powers that be act immediately to mobilize an effective response to mitigate full on collapse beyond the next 30 years.

I feel myself edging closer to nihilism and hopelessness.

I've written recently about this thing I'm doing with games studies and how thinking about games has become an all consuming force in my free time.

I wonder I fit is escapism?

I am scared. Scared for the future. Scared for the lived reality for me and my family under catastrophic climate change. I am furious. I am furious at those who willingly stole this millennium. I want to call for it to break -- to take it back to forge a better path forward but know that I'm powerless to do so.

A few years after my mom died my dad re-married. The person he married was and still is _nice_, but they've always been strict. An adherent to a specific way. Shortly after they got married to my dad they got rid of my computer and my SEGA Gamegear. I wasn't ever allowed to play video games at home again.

I was scared of adults. I didn't fight it. I didn't realize at the time that was an option. At the time I didn't feel particularly sad. I felt bad for liking something so much that this person who cared for me saw as so bad and worth removing from my life.

Before that I loved computers and video games. I probably took apart my handmedown HP hundreds of times. I knew every piece forward and back. I was learning BASIC and pascal at the time, too.

I think this is partially fueling my rediscovery and love for video games.

Today I look into the world and I'm terrified and feel powerless. I don't know what to do or if there is someplace to go. What move should I make? I want to ensure that my children have lives where what they love is cultivated and nourished.

The millennium that was broken. It can be itself made to break -- full stop.

We were derided as the millennials but our millennium has been stolen from us. We can break it back out and take it.

While I don't remember playing with the Gamegear often I remember the feel of the thing in my hands, its weight and smooth plastic shell. I remember hearing the soft whine of its electronics when I switched the stiff power switch to "on." I remember how the screen turned on and the tiny speakers singing "SAY GAAAAH."