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Subject: Star Trek meets Lost in Space Article-I.D.: yang.1992May27.201025.18505 Star Trek Meets Lost in Space By Uri Lessing inspired by Jeremiah Wilton Captain Picard was sipping tea in personal quarters. There was only calm in is face, as he enjoyed a few moments alone from all of the weirdos he had on board his ship. Thoughts drifted to France. "Ahh Paris", he thought sadly. Suddenly, a voice cut through the air. "Captain, you better come to the bridge! There is an unidentifyable vessel appearing on our scanners." "Damn that Horseshoe crabed headed Klingon!", said Picard aloud. "I heard that, Captain", shouted Worf,"and just what IS a horseshoe crab?" Picard stepped into the turbo-shaft and told it to take him to the bridge. When the doors opened, there stood the entire crew. Data was there looking as pale as ever. And Wesley was there too, annoying Worf by shooting rubber-bands at him. "Captain, tell Wesley to quit it", shouted Worf in his booming voice. But all the captain could think about was what he saw on the viewing screen. There was the oddest spaceship he had ever seen. The vessel seemed to resemble two 20th century Earth paper plates that had been glued together." "Captain", said Data,"If you wish I could realine the subwertonian beams, and polatarize the yogos ion mix, and transport one of the crew here." "Like finding Waldo in an Arabian dessert.", said Riker from the back of the room. "Yes, exactly Sir." "Make it so.", beamed Picard in his favorite comanding voice. Data pressed a few buttons, and all of a sudden a the air shimmered in the center of the bridge. Suddenly, a scrawny looking man in his 60s appeared. He was dressed in a skin tight polyester uniform, that seemed to resemble the uniforms of the first Enterprise. Just at that moment Conselor Troi entered from the Turbo-shaft. "I'm DOOMED!", he cried, "Help me, oh pleeeasse...I'll give you anything...Pleasse!!!" "Captain, I sense fear in him",said Troi. "Of course you sense fear, Counselor; he is obviously scared out of is wits! Do you ever tell us anything we don't know?", snapped Riker. "That's enough, Will!", cried Picard. He turned to the strange man they had beamed aboard who was attempting to hide under one of the control panels. "Who are you?",said Picard. "Oh please...Don't hurt meeee. What? You want to know who I am.",slowly the man rose, "I, sir, am Doctor Zachary Smith. I am a scientist extrordanaire. And who might you be, young lady?" Slowly, Doctor Smith nuzzled his head in Counselor Troi's busom. "That's enough!", cried Worf, who proceded to charge Doctor Smith, who let out a loud yelp and held his hands in front of his face. Unfortunatly, Worf's head slammed right into the central mohogany wood paneling, and fell right to the floor. "Why do I always get hurt?", moaned Worf,"I'm the strongest crew member. Why oh Why?", and then he fell unconcious. "Take him away you albino ninny!",cried Doctor Smith at Data. "Sir, I am not an albino. I am an android. I am programmed to..." "Shut your trap you bucket of bolts!", cried Doctor Smith. "Captain, what is a bucket of bolts?, inquired Data. Just then the air in the center of the bridge shivered again, and there stood a cute red-headed boy, and a curious looking robot. "A BORG!!!!", shrieked Wesley, as he soiled his yellow spandex uniform. "WARNING! WARNING!", cried the Robot. "Captain, these electronic creature is extraordinary.", said Data,"Its protective shielding seems to be made from sheet metal wrapped in aluminum foil" "DANGER! DANGER!", cried the Robot. "Captain, its arms also seem to be made out of this strange 20th century plastic tubing.", continued Data,"and it has a goldfish bowl over the computational section of its system." "Golly, you can't say that about my Robot!",cried the red-headed boy. Suddenly Wesley Crusher stood up,"Hi, I'm Wesley. Will you be my bestest buddy?" "Sure!", shouted the boy, and they skipped off to explore the enterprise. "WARNING! WARNING!", shouted the Robot. "Look, can't you make that thing shut-up.", said Picard impatiently. "Why certainly..", Data replied. He reached behind the Robot's goldfishbowl head and simply switched him off. The robot's plastic tube arms sucked back into its body, and its head drooped. "Ahhh! We're doomed!", screeched Doctor Smith. Picard turned to Riker. "Shoot him, set to kill." A few hours later, Riker and Picard sat in the Enterprise's lounge drinking replicated Coor's lights. "It's a shame we had to eject the kid and Robot into space.", said Riker. "Now, now, Riker. They were to horrible even for us to save.",replied Picard,"Although I did feel a bit guilty about blowing up that ship. It was classic engineering." "Hey Captain!",exclaimed Riker,"Didn't we just break the prime directive." "Screw the prime directive",was Picard's response as he downed his Coors and wondered what space would throw at him next. -- Uri J. Lessing | Earlham College | Richmond, Indiana