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S P E C I A L O F F E R BY F.U.H.C.U. !!
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Hello, you disenfranchised folks out there in echoland! Tired
of not getting the proper respect you only dreamed of deserving?
Do you not even deserve any respect at all? Are you small, petty,
jealous, mean, spiteful, capricious?
Or are you a basically decent person? No matter...
YOU...*regardless* of personality, integrity, or intelligence
can be _THE ONE TRUE GOD_<tm> due to a special one-time offer by
FUHCU (the Fed-Up to Here Corporation, Unltd.). Do you look upon
members of the clergy with envy because of the loftiness their
calling bestows upon them? You can have these people WORK FOR
YOU! Do your bidding! Lie prostrate to you! Raise money for
you and slaughter millions of innocent people in your name! [*]
This special service offered by FUHCU is based on the amazing
technology called Circular Reasoning <tm> which hermetically
seals in evidence of one's divinity in a handy, self-contained,
self-referential, easily portable (or suitable for framing)
TEXT which is *cordless* as well. No need to plug it in to
any outside source for complete operability!
Your _Document of Godhood_ is lovingly crafted by a divinely in-
spired scribe, complete with a limited (though extensive) library
of obscurantist iconography and fonts to personalize your One True
Godness <tm> from all other False Gods <tm>, then carefully
shipped to you via netmail in .JPG format (or .GIF, though costs
and curses by sysops increase) For an extra bonus to the first
ten who apply, a *special clause* will be added to denounce all
other One True Gods <tm> and mere demigods or members of panthea
as Satan or a Dark Dualist Half of your choice...absolutely FREE
OF CHARGE!
This Document will establish that you, the One True God, have
inspired the document which loudly, joyously proclaims that you
are indeed the One True God <tm>. No need to muck around with mere
demigod status, or content to be simply "a god"--you're Number
One--not just The Big Kahuna, but the one who the Kahuna answers
to! King of Kings! God of All Gods! Judge, Jury, Executioner!
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[*] NOT VOID WHERE PROHIBITED: This Document entitles you to
all perks and privileges of being the One True God <tm> on
Earth as it is in Heaven, but a gentle disclaimer must ac-
company this advertisement which warns that:
1) certain heathen nations who govern themselves according
to the doctrine Separation of Church and State may hold
you personally liable for any genocides, murders, or les-
ser felonies and misdemeanors perpetrated by either you
or an adherent to your faith who commits a crime in your
name or according to you, God, speaking to them.
2) other heathen nations who have foolishly cast their lot
with theocracies established on impostor gods may attempt
to justify trying you on grounds established within the
bounds of their false religion. (Sorry Gods-to-be, but
this document only establishes you're God--you and your
followers will have to fight it out in the trenches with
the heathen believers to convince them of their folly.)
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To take advantage of this WONDERFUL OFFER, simply fill out the
form in the next post and send it via netmail to Robert Jackson
at (1:390/87). You will receive a UUencoded .JPG file in return
which will confer instant One True Godhood <tm> immediately upon
UUdecoding and saving to your hard disk. You may print out copies
of your Document for distribution to potential believers, but any
subsequent alteration of the Document may hamper efforts to be
perceived as infallible by skeptics and religion debunkers.
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Brought to you by FUHCU: "Hostile Takeovers and LBOs of All the
World's Major Religions by the Year 2020!!"