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? Vaginal and Anal Secretions Newsletter #0080 ?
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? Date Released : [08/16/92] Author: Phreak_Accident ?
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? Creative Suicide Techniques. ?
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Welcome to another fine issue of VaS magazine. When Studmuffin and
myself initially began the concept of this group, we had no idea that
it would receive the amount of attention that it gets. We did not set
high expectations, we thought we would simply blend in with the other
text file groups in this dull gray computer world. I am truly pleased
that you, the readers, have proved our theory wrong.
I am also sorry to make this announcement, but I feel it must be done.
As of now, I am officially retiring from VaS. Although I still believe
in what the group stands for, I cannot find the time to continue writing
for their cause. This will be my farewell issue, and I hope that the
group will continue without me. I have been using computers for quite
some time now, and I feel that I have accomplished everything I wanted on
the computer. I have explored almost every aspect of the computer world,
and I think it is a very interesting place to visit, but I wouldn't want
to live there. In other words, I do not want computers to be a major
part of my life, I do not want to have a computer related job. Computers
are great tools, that can be used for many useful purposes, but they
cannot replace friends and relationships with other humans. Bulletin
board systems do a fairly decent job of providing the user with a friendly
atmosphere, but it's just not the same. I am not trying to get everyone
to quit using their computers, I would just like to let you know there are
many other things that you can do. You should not let computers dominate
your life, as they will eventually make you a boring person. Enough of
this serious nonsense, I just wanted to make certain things clear. Now,
VaS will continue to lead you boldly into the future, providing you with
a new perspective, which you may or may not agree upon.
Creative Suicide Methods
If you feel that you are truly a loser, and you want to commit
suicide, you should first consult another person. If they too
agree that you are a worthless piece of shit, then you should
carry your action out. I am providing you with creative and
effective methods of suicide. I cannot be held responsible
by some fucking idiot's parents who reads this after their
son or daughter killed themselves. This is for informational
purposes only, as I might feel a bit guilty if someone actually
took their life because of a text file. Remember this, you cannot
always believe what you read.
Shoot Yerself in the hed. I know this sounds extremely archaic, but
it is a very effective method. Make sure you kill yourself tho, as
the injury that would be sustained from a point blank gunshot would
not be very pleasant to live with. Try to use a gun of high caliber,
as to insure a quick and painless death.
Jump off a building. This technique is particularly useful if a
potential suicide attempting person wants to attract a lot of
attention. Just make sure that before you get up on the building
that you will have enough balls to actually jump. The police may
try to set up an inflatable balloon to catch you, make sure you
avoid it. Jump to the far left or right, and try to land on a
nice car like a BMW or a Mercedes. You should end up on the front
page and make the 6 o' clock news. Good luck, and happy jumping.
Overdose on drugs. Take tons of acid, and fucken trip out for like
24 hours, then your body cannot interpet the sensory overload, and
your brain shuts down. Sounds like fun, eh?
Make someone else kill you. Do something totally stupid like walk
around downtown Detroit at night and yell, I am a representative of
the KKK, and I think all you dumb leg humping jerry curl kfc eatin'
niggers are too fucking stupid to come out here and fight me!
If that doesn't get you killed, I don't know what will.
Strap yourself to the front of an MX missle. Simple, but effective.
Try to shoot Saddam Hussein in the head. If you get shot in the
process, at least you had fun. And if you succeed, you may be a
national hero, and you probably wouldn't want to kill yourself
anymore.
Jump out of a plane without a parachute.
If you have a chance to see President Bush on his campaign trail,
go to Childrens Palace, buy a toy gun, and during his speech, make
your way to the front, and rush the stage. I am sure you will have
3 or 4 suits opening fire upon you.
Tie yourself to a railroad track. Why? For the hell of it. Maybe
you could get the train to derail, and take down hundreds with you.
Have sex with Oprah Winfrey, and make sure she's on top. Or Roseanne
Barr for that matter. Either one of those cellulite infested sperm
whores would kill you with their sheer weight. Yuch!
Try listening to Barry Manilow records for more than 15 minutes.
I guarantee you will try to kill yourself, no human being should
be subject to such torture. WHY do people like him? WHY? FUCK,
what a waste of FUCKING TIME! I'd rather cut my head off and
pour bleach down my neck then listen to FLAMING BARRY.
If you want your family to benefit from your death, go to an
extremely expensive restarunt, not KFC, the negro hangout. During
the main course, put a cyanide capsule in the food. It will kill
you, and your family will suspect the chef as a murderer. Ha.
Jump into a nuclear reactor core. The radiation should provide you
with one helly death. Or, you could move to Cherynobl to live in
a radiation infested environment, and see how long you last before
you die of cancer.
You could stick your head in a jet engine, although it might be a
bit messy on the exhaust side, and also a bit loud. The flight would
probably end being cancelled as well.
You could use a jack-hammer to open up your chest.
Fuck a girl with HIV and see if you can catch it. If not, try, try
and try again.
Cut your dick off, and slit your neck and wrists, and bleed to death.
Eat yourself. First, start with your fingers, cut them off, and cook
them up. Then your arms. Then your legs, etc. See how much you can
eat of yourself before you die.
Try to cross the Sahara desert without any water or food. No supplies
whatsoever.
Try swimming to Japan from California, or from the East Coast to Europe.
Try swallowing razor blades until one cuts your trachea.
Stick a long needle through your head, and see if you can retain
conciousness.
Pull out your eyes, and try to cross a major highway. Kudos to you
if you succeed.
Try to go more than 3 days without pussy, and see how long you last
after that.
Go to prison, and start a fight with a big black nigger named Bruce
who wants you to be his 'bitch'.
Slam your head against a table as hard as you can, as many times as
you can.
See if you can completely sever your head from your body with a chain
saw before you pass out.
Go bungee jumping, without the cord! It's the newest rage
Strap a 10 megaton bomb to your head, and count to ten...
Throw yourself in front of a fast moving automobile. Lets see if
those 'anti-lock brakes' REALLY work...
Hang yourself from your ceiling with speaker wire.
See how much of a 12 foot pole you can stick up your ass.
Drive into a brick wall at over 100 miles per hour. Test out that
air bag, or none if you have a cheap piece of shit car.
See how long you can hold your breath underwater, while wearing
concrete shoes.
Hit yourself in the head with a baseball bat until you crack your
skull open.
Cut the top of your skull open, and try to remove your brain.
Stick long needles into your spine until you hit vital nerves. A
note of caution, be sure not to paralyze yourself.
Climb a telephone pole, strip the insulation off the cable, and touch
two wires together.
Try to rob the police station.
Get a tank full of sea water, about 2000 gallons, and put a shark
in it. Then, get some raw meat, cover yourself in blood, and jump
in.
See if you can catch a bullet in your teeth. I heard it CAN be done.
Enter as the javelin catcher in the '96 Olympics.
Fall down 30 flights of stairs.
Run across the U.S. Candian border wielding a semi-automatic rifle
and a bag of white powder.
Drink a bottle of Drano or The Works. See how your digestive system
reacts with the hydrochloric acid.
Close your garage door, turn your car on, and breathe deeply.
Try living with Ketan Badani. I guarantee you will kill yourself
within 48 hours. NO ONE can live with a fat smelly spearchucker.
Try to steal Bill Lang's car audio system. He will try to kill you
if he catches you.
Stand under a steamroller.
Put a stick of dynamite in your mouth, and light it.
See how long you can live off your own feces before you die.
Go hunting for alligators, with your bare hands.
Ah, I see you have reached the end of this file which also marks the end
of my textfile writing career. Yeah, i'm all broken up about it too.
Well, anyways, I hope VaS will continue to prosper, and I hope that you
have one hell of a day.
Yours truly,
Phreak_Accident
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