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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Second Coming, Limited ] [ By Freon ]
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Second Coming, Limited
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A silly, blasphemous ten-minute play about the never-ending struggle
between good and incompetence.
- Characters -
JESUS A young to middle-aged man with a stylish beard and
the traditional halo, dressed in an expensive white
suit.
LESTER Bald man in his forties. He wears a fairly old-
fashioned black suit with a watch on a chain and
has a thick cigar.
GROUP A group of about five rich-looking businesspeople.
The details of who's who in this group are not
important. They look strikingly forgettable.
GOD Obviously, having never seen this guy I can't really
tell you what he looks like - but for the purposes
of this play he's a light from above and a deep,
loud, sinner-scaring voice.
- Scene 1 (the only scene) -
JESUS and the GROUP are sitting around a table. On the table
are several glasses and jugs of water. JESUS is at
one end, and at the other end, slightly back from the table
itself, is LESTER. Behind LESTER is a whiteboard. We
get the impression at the start of this scene that this
meeting has been going on for quite a while and we've dropped
in close to a critical point...Everyone is looking
expectantly at JESUS. After a quiet pause of at least
five seconds during which JESUS looks thoughtful but
basically incredulous, he turns to one of the other people
in the group nearby.
JESUS (to the other member of the group) Could you pass me that water?
LESTER looks impatient while JESUS is passed the water.
JESUS pours himself a glass, which turns into wine as he
does so*, and sips it a couple of times before he speaks
again.
JESUS (to LESTER) So basically what you're saying is if we're
going to all the trouble of having a second coming, you'd
like to cash in -
LESTER (interrupting) - for all of us to benefit -
JESUS - you'd like to cash in on it.
LESTER Well, if you insist, yes - it is cashing in. But an opportunity
like this won't come along for another couple of thousand years,
most likely.
JESUS Well, in the strictest confidence, it'll be longer than that,
actually.
LESTER So you see, there's no sense in letting this perfect opportunity
go to waste!
There is a pause, during which JESUS sips his wine. He
drinks it quite quickly, as if it was still water almost.
He finishes the glass and refills it, already looking
a little under the influence.
JESUS Don't you think you're all being just a little silly? This
is the Second Coming; I'm Jesus Christ! Surely the whole
business of making money out of my visit just trivializes
things?
LESTER I don't really see a contradiction between whatever it is
you want to do with the Second Coming and what we want to
do with it. You can still have your monumental events in
the spiritual advancement of mankind, while we're pulling
in a healthy profit. What is it exactly you have planned
for the Second Coming anyway? Religious stuff?
JESUS (smiling craftily and refilling his glass) Ah - yes, you
could say that. What is it, exactly, that /you/ have planned?
How are you going to make money out of it?
LESTER Ah! Well, we were hoping you could perform a few miracles
for us -
JESUS World peace, raising the dead and excessive faith healing
are out of the question, I'm afraid.
LESTER Nothing like that! Water to wine, that kind of thing.
Imagine what a bottle of Christ's Own Wine would fetch!
We'd do it in small volume to save you time and keep the
prices high, so it wouldn't hurt the - uh - conventional
wine producers; it wouldn't hurt anyone. If you could do
some loaves and fishes and feeding the starving stuff,
we'd be in the running for tax-exempt Charity status.
JESUS looks interested now (and fairly drunk).
JESUS Hmm. Could you give me some specific examples of the kinds
of Second Coming related services you'd be offering? Just
so I know where I fit in, you know.
LESTER Well, as I say, Second Coming Wine; genuinely miraculous
alcoholic beverages would sell fantastically. You wouldn't
have to do all the work, of course - we'd be producing
Second Coming Wineglasses along with the other standard
Second Coming memorabilia. I've also mentioned feeding the
starving a little; you don't have to do that if you don't
want to, but it would probably save us a fortune in taxes.
Apart from that, we could mobilise our people and resources
worldwide to open up Wash Jesus' Feet franchises all
over the place; all you'd have to do is sit there and the
money would start rolling in. Or Christ Forgives Franchises,
where people come and drop in a donation and you just have
to erase all their sins; no problem, eh? A tour of churches?
The Catholics'll eat you up. You won't even have to do
anything.
JESUS Ah yes, the Catholics. They have a bit of a reputation for
that.
LESTER (laughs)
JESUS And - Lord forgive me for asking - but how much money do we
each stand to make out of this deal?
LESTER Are you kidding? It's hard to name a figure - but if I did,
it would be big. Not big like a mountain is big, but big like
the universe is big, you know?
JESUS Actually, it's not that big.
LESTER What?
JESUS The universe. Not that big. But I think I see what you're
saying. The thing that bothers me is that - well, isn't
it a little, I don't know, morally bankrupt? Commercialising
the Second Coming like that?
LESTER Why should you feel bad? They did it to your birthday.
JESUS Hmm. You have a point. Pass me a little more of that
water, would you? Thanks.
There is a pause while JESUS refills his glass with wine
from the water jug. His hands are a bit unsteady so this
takes a while.
JESUS But the Second Coming is important, you know? And anyway,
what's the point in all of this?
LESTER All of what?
JESUS Trying to make money? I mean, you can't take it with you.
LESTER Ah, well, no you can't - but I'm still young; I should have
plenty of time on this Earth to make comfortable before I
have to start thinking about leaving the material world
behind, you know? It's all very well to try not to be too
materialistic, but I have a family that I'd like to provide
for.
JESUS Hmm. Well, I've been keeping this under my hat so far, but -
what if I was to tell you that - hmm - there might not be
that much point in making money out of the Second Coming
simply because of my reason for being here this time.
LESTER I'm not sure I follow.
JESUS Well, ah - how should I put this? Well, I suppose there's
not a lot of point sugar-coating this, so I'll just be blunt.
We're pretty rapidly approaching Judgement Day, I'm afraid.
That's what I'm here for, really.
There is a stunned silence.
LESTER So the world's going to end?
JESUS Well, technically - well, I suppose to all intents and purposes,
yes.
LESTER What was that, technically? Is there some way we can stop it?
JESUS There's nothing you can do; I'm doing it for you! Mere humans
basically don't have to do anything apart from sitting back
and waiting. I say technically because there is some chance
that the Devil will stop me saving mankind by leading me
into temptation again.
LESTER Again?
JESUS (laughs nervously) Yes, that's kind of embarassing actually.
I think we actually wrote that one up as a victory. Anyway,
that's the deal I'm afraid. There's no point in what you're
proposing really since it's all pretty much over.
Everyone at the table is confused; they sit looking at each
other and muttering. Eventually, everyone's attention is
focussed on either JESUS or LESTER. LESTER is looking
thoughtful but, on the whole, amused. JESUS is looking sort
of apologetic. Obviously, he's not the most popular person
at the table at this point. Revealing everyone's fast
approaching doom is a bit of a mood killer. LESTER sits
down.
LESTER (suddenly excited) I have an idea! This doesn't have to be
a waste of time!
JESUS What is it?
LESTER Could you put off the whole Judgement Day thing by choice?
JESUS Well, not personally - but I could speak to my Dad about it.
Why do you ask?
LESTER Well, I was just thinking; right now, if we do Judgement Day,
we have a lot of unrepentant sinners, right? (Jesus nods)
What happens to them?
JESUS Well, for want of a nicer way of putting it, they burn in
hell for eternity.
LESTER Aha! As I suspected. And most of these sinners are the rich
and ambitious, are they not?
JESUS You're not wrong.
LESTER Well - what if we do what we planned to do - make a huge amount
of money out of your visit? We open all those franchises,
you perform us some miracles - and boom! The world's economy
will collapse, and we'll all be set back a few hundred or
thousand years. Then you can give us another thousand
years or so to become good Christians before you do the
Judgement thing, and everybody's happy.
JESUS Hmm. What happens to all the money you make?
LESTER Not important. If we play our cards right, this will destroy
Capitalism and the money we make won't be worth anything - but
for a change we'll have made the world a better place through
marketing.
JESUS Ah yes! I'm tempted...
JESUS disappears in a puff of smoke. There's a strange light
from above; effectively, this is GOD's entrance.
GOD Oh for heaven's sake. You didn't last two weeks, boy. Well,
never mind, eh? Back in another two thousand years.
The light fades away and everyone around the table turns to
LESTER in stunned silence. LESTER is grinning. He bows to
the GROUP and walks towards the back of the stage, where
flames** are dancing against the scenery.
LESTER Another disaster averted...I suppose God'll write this one up
as a point for himself anyway. Well, never mind. (he waves,
but doesn't turn to look at the crowd; he just keeps walking,
and continues:) Goodbye, you're welcome. And now, God owes
me ten...
LESTER walks offstage.
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