💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › UXU › uxu-533.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 15:16:48.
View Raw
More Information
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
### ###
### ###
### #### ### ### ### ####
### ### ##### ### ###
### ### ### ### ###
### ### ##### ### ###
########## ### ### ##########
### ###
### ###
Underground eXperts United
Presents...
####### ## ## ####### # # ####### ####### #######
## ## ## ## ##### ## # ## # ##
#### ## ## #### # # ####### #### ####
## ## ## ## ##### ## # ## # ##
## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ####### #######
[ Old School Collection ] [ By DIzzIE ]
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Old School collection by DIzzIE
includes:
3 COOL SCAMS
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF AT THE MOVIES
HOW TO KILL YOUR PARENTS - THE COMPLETE GUIDE
TOP 5 WAYS THE NUCLEAR BOMB DROPPED ON HIROSHIMA HELPED JAPAN
TOP 10 REASONS TO KILL YOURSELF
HOUSEHOLD TORTURE TECHNIQUES
TEN RULES FOR A PURE SOCIALISTIC SOCIETY
WAYS TO KILL/TORTURE A SLUG
VENDING MACHINE FUN
THE 5 MOST COMMON TYPES OF VIRUS WRITERS
FREE FOOD
HOW TO GET FREE STUFF WHEN MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
HOMEMADE PEPPER SPRAY
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
3 COOL SCAMS
BY: DIzzIE (C)1999
Here are some things you can do on a boring summer afternoon to get some
extra cash:
1. HELPING THE CHURCH = FREE MONEY
Sometimes Your local cult, errrr, church, will be giving out free bibles, or
verses, or new testament books, or something of that sort. Usually they will
be in a stack right beside the church or right inside it, on a little table.
Grab the books, then look for cardboard boxes (usually under the table) full
of the books. Get those too! Then run away from that place of evil. Then go
to the other side of town and start selling the books for about a buck a
book. Say you're helping raise money for the church to buy food and heating
for the homeless shelters. Some good people to sell the books to are old
ladies, and politicians.
Yup! Politicians (or used car salesmen), come up to one while they are being
taped on tv and ask them to buy several books, they will look pretty bad if
they don't buy any books.
2. SELLING STUFF FROM CATALOGS = FREE MONEY
You know those companies that send you catalogs of overpriced magazines and
other shit, and actually expect you to go door to door and sell their
products, so they get all the money, and you get 5%, or a little cheap
prize? Ofcourse you do! Well why not reward your work and get a 100% profit?
Just go and sell the stuff in another neighborhood, and keep all the money
you make. If the person who actually bought something asks for a receipt
that supposed to have your phone number and address on it, just right down
some other loser's number.
Need help finding a company that actually does that? (sends you catalogs of
stuff and expects you to sell them) (yes, they do exist). Here's a company
like this: just write to them or phone them and ask them for a sales kit
Olympia Sales Club
215 Moody Rd P.O. Box 1800
Enfield, CT 06083-1800
Phone # 1-860-763-3561
Email : olympiaOSI@aol.com
Web: www.olympiaosi.com
3. DOOR TO DOOR CHARITY = FREE MONEY AND OTHER STUFF
This scam has been around for a while now, but it still works. Just get a
coffee can and cover the outside with a typed paper that says "American
Cancer Society Fundraiser," or "M.A.D.D. Fundraiser." Next just go door to
door and give this speech about collecting money for that particular
organization. Be sure to wear a suit, and comb your hair. You can also say
that you are collecting other stuff to like old furniture, canned goods. If
they give you any of that you can keep it or resell it at a garage sail or
swap meet to get even more cash!
Well have fun kids!
You can always email me at: xcon0@yahoo.com or fax at 1-559-663-4067
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF AT THE MOVIES
BY: DIzzIE (C)2000 (we made it, damn!)
Here are some various things to do that are guaranteed to get you kicked out
from... the movies.
Ah, the movie theater, when the lights go out no one can see you or know
that it's you doing "it." What "it" can you be doing? Here are some nice
"its" for you kids:
- Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so
nobody can here it, like when the killer's name is going to be said.
- Bring a flashlight and shine it on the walls or ceiling, in advance draw
an outline of a guy screwing a chick (or perhaps another guy), then cut
out the outline and put it in front of the flashlight, so the image can be
seen on the wall or ceiling.
- Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny
ones.
- If you can get into the projector room you can do one of many things,
including (but not limited to)
o Paint the lens on the projector different colors.
o Put the projector on fast-forward or rewind and superglue the button
down, so nobody can stop it.
o Go to the projector room of a children's movie, that's about to start
playing, switch the children's tape with some cool R movie. Lock the
projector room door, and jam something into the lock so no one can open
the room. Then while the previews are still playing quickly go down to
the theater room (the room where everybody is sitting in, waiting for
the previews to be over) and get some of those chain bike locks. Lock
the doors to the showroom from the outside, make sure to look the exit
located by the big screen. So now little kids and pissed off parents are
forced to watch Saving Private Ryan, instead of Toy Story. This will
definitely get into the media (with the proper tip-off of course) and
will put the theater out of business, or if not that, it will still
lower the amount of people attending the theater, forcing the theater to
make ticket prices higher, so then even less people will go the theater,
so yeah, the theater will be put out of business! SUCCESS!
- Bring some smoke bombs and fireworks to make the movies a more exciting
experience. In the midst of the smoke and explosions toss water balloons
filled with shit and piss at the people, just don't use your own shit and
piss, cuss they can trace you.
- Smuggle in cans of roaches (the insect, not the other type...), locusts,
ants, and other bugs that can annoy and reproduce quickly. You may even
bring in some rats. Then sit in the very back, open the jars, and toss the
bugs out on the ground.
Since the floor is more slanted in the back the bugs will spread
throughout the theater faster. Be sure to be the first one to raise and
scream "There's a cockroach crawling up my leg!" Then run out into the
lobby and start yelling "there's cockroaches in here!" Or "This theater is
contaminated!" The theater will have to close down and fumigate the
showroom(s), and after this little "accident" no one will want to go back
to the theater anyway!
- Bring a pager or cell fone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also
set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.
- Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.
- Pass by rooms that are playing children's movies and yell hardcore
cusswords into the room. You can then quickly run away or sit down and
pretend like you were enjoying the movie when some rude person ruined your
day <that's a nice statement to give when being questioned by the fuzz>
- Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head
into the room, and scream the ending.
Also, as long as we're on the subject of movies, here are a couple ways to
get free popcorn:
A) Order a large popcorn, pay for it, turn around, and quickly slip in a
dead cockroach or other bug into the popcorn bag, then turn around and
show it to the cashier. They will usually refund your money and give you
a complimentary bag right away, if they don't insist that they do, even
ask to speak to the manager, and start saying that you'll call the Health
and Sanitation Department.
B) Some movie theaters have a special deal that if you purchase a large
popcorn or drink you get a free refill. Find an abandoned cup at a room
where the movie just ended, take it to the restroom, wash it out (not
necessary to do to the popcorn back, because that will ruin it, smart
guy), then go up to the counter and get your "refill," sometimes you may
need to show a ticket stub, so just fish one out of the trash or off the
floor.
We come to an end of yet another magnificent phile
Email me at xcon0@yahoo.com or fax me at 1-559-663-4067
-TOOTLES!
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
HOW TO KILL YOUR PARENTS
THE COMPLETE GUIDE
BY: DizzIE (C)1999
THE BORING DISCLAIMER:
Here's the usual legal shit: I am not responsible for anything you do with
the info presented here. It is for informatianl and perhaps humor purposes
only. In other words you can't tell the judge that I influenced you to kill
your parents. Thanks to the first amendment and the freedom of speech I can
write about anything, hehe. So go ahead and read, for "informational"
purposes only though.
THE INTRODUCTION:
Everybody wants to kill their parents at some point in their life. If you
never wanted to kill your parents why the fuck are you reading this?
Below are some nice simple and creative ways to kill your parents, but first
if you are a little bit unsure whether to kill your parents or not or you
just need a good motive to give to Mr.Sheriff here are some reasons to kill
your parents (or things your parents do that piss you off):
- They annoy you
- They embarrass you
- They piss you off
- They ground you
- They attempt to limit your freedoms (like no tv or no computer)
- They starve you (like if you get grounded and are sent up to your room
without dinner)
- They overfeed you forcing you to eat until your stomach bursts and blood
starts gushing out your mouth...
- They bug you about your grades
- They are bosey and ignorant
- They hit you
- They drink booze themselves but wont let you have any
- Etc...etc...etc...
Now that you have a motive or two (or three, or four) here are the actual
killing methods:
ELECTROCUTION:
This method is usually used on the female parent(s) also know as "the mom."
When your mom is taking a bath bring your sterio into the bathroom and plug
it in, if the bitch asks you what the hell you are doing tell her to fuck
off and then just drop the stereo (that's plugged in and turned on) in to
the bathtub. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
UPS: Your mom will die quickly and almost soundlessly.
DOWNS: You have to see your mom nude, not very pleasant unless you like that
sort of thing. You have to get a new sterio. Dead cooked corpses
don't smell all that great...
SHOOTING:
This is a pretty simple consept even for all of you high school dropouts.
All you need is a gun, some ammo (DUH, what did you think?) and a silencer,
or something else to muffle the noise, like a pillow. However you don't need
a silencer if you live in a remote area like Australia (yes that was a
joke). Then once you have all the stuff just sneak up behind your parents
and shoot them in the heart or the neck, or for all of you sadistic
bastards shoot them in the head multiply times (hehe). Also, if you want to
make your parents sad, wait until they turn around and see you and then
shoot them in the leg first so you can see them suffer.
UPS: This method will absolutly kill your parents unless you are a REALLY
bad shot.
DOWNS: Someone might hear you (shoot the gun off). Or someone might hear
your parents screaming.
CHOKING:
The best time to choke your parents is when they are sleeping, unless you
are really strong and can overpower them while they are awake. So, assuming
your parents are asleep you need to sneak into their bedroom and
handcuff/tie them to the bed/bedframe/, making sure they can't move. Then
all you have to do is either put plastic bags over their heads (making sure
there are no holes in the bags) and tie the bags with ropes around
their necks so they can't take them off. Also for extra silence tape their
mouths shut with electrical tape before putting on the plastic bags. There
are also a variety of other ways to choke your parents like put a pillow
over their heads, put them in an air tight room...
UPS: This is a really silent method, unless you screw up ofcourse.
DOWNS: Your parents can wake up while you are handcuffing them...leading to
all sorts of explaining to do and possibly psychiatric
hospitalization for you... Just tell them they told you to do it in
school or something like that.
SCARING:
This method usually only works if your parents are really old, have a bad
heart, take heart medication or have a weak nervous system. If your parents
have all of the above I am really surprised that they aren't dead yet. All
you have to do is wait around a corner until your mom and/or dad comes and
then jump out and scream "BOO!" or "AAAAGH!" You'll be surprised how often
this works ;).
UPS: If this method works your parents will die right away without any
noise.
DOWNS: Your parents might not actually die but just pass out, so make sure
to chop off their heads as soon as they are unconsious or "dead." If
you don't have an axe (no home is complete without one) then you can just
jump on top of your parents' head with your two feet. But make sure your
wearing nice heavy boots.
POISONING:
This method can be easy or hard. This mostly depends on you and how high
your obsession with perfectionism is. If your level is high then you'll need
to find your self some cyanide or other popular high class poison. Try
asking Dr.Kevorkian (I'm still trying to find his fone #). Anyway, once you
get the cyanide or whatever put it in your parents' food, then make sure
they swallow it. If they do they'll be dead in no time (well in about 5
minutes actually). If you don't want to shell out the dough for the cyanide
all you have to do is put some draino or another oven cleaner/drain cleaner
in your parents' food. As soon as they eat it they will start gagging and if
your parents have any brains at all (you'll be surprised how many actually
do) they will try to reach for the fone to dial 911 or your grandma's house
to tell her (the grandma or the 911 operator) that they (your parental
units) are dying. So what you need to do is make sure that the fone is
unplugged. Coming back to cyanide for a moment here's an interesting fact I
found out not too long ago: apple seeds have a small percentage of cyanide
in them. So what you can do is get about 200 apple seeds toss them in a
blender add some ice cream and milk, mix it all up and then tell your mommy
or daddy it's a great health milk shake you just found out about. This works
even better if your parents are health food phreaks.
Another poisoning technique is to get some poison mushrooms and if your
parents are cooking something with mushrooms put in the poison ones too. You
can also give your parents stuff that they are allergic to, like if they are
allergic to spicy stuff put some red pepper in their salad or whatever. If
they are lactose-intolerant 9can't eat milk products)
put some cheese in their spaghetti. Just remember to unplug the fone so your
parents can't call anybody.
UPS: If you used the cyanide method(s) your parents will die for share in
about 5 minutes unless they start sticking 2 fingers down their throats
and barfing it all up, (but we can prevent that by chopping off their
fingers, can't we?
DOWNS: Sometimes if you feed your parents stuff they are allergic to, they
will might not actually die but they will experience some great
discomforts that can be really fun to watch.
BOOBY TRAPS:
There is a shitload of booby traps you can make. There is also a shitload of
booby trap how-to philes out there in the great underground. So I wont get
into all of those electrical and mechanical traps because there are enough
places that have them allready. Just keep in mind that the basic principle
is to wire something so when your parents open a door or something or turn
on a light it completes the circuit and blows them (your parents) up.
Anyway, here is a nice quick simple trap I came up with one fine day. All
you need is a hammer (a real one, not one of those shitty play-skool plastic
ones). If you don't have a hammer you can either a) go and steal one, b) use
a heavy rock, or c) use another heavy object. So once you get your hammer
you need a door that opens inwards (into the room) (if your parents are
going into the room), or a door that opens outwards (out of the room) (if
your parents are coming out of the room. Once you find the right door
balance the hammer or the rock on top of the door. Letting part of it rest
on the wall next to the door. So now when your parents open the door the
hammer or rock will fall on their heads and crush their skull instantly
(making a cool crunch sound like the one in all of those old crunch
commercials).
UPS: If this method works your parents will die instantly and soundlessly
(except for the crunch sound, hehe).
DOWNS: Sometimes if your parents have a really thick skull this method will
not kill them but give them a concussion. So as soon as they are
unconcious and you think they are dead jump on their head or use the
hammer to whack them a couple of times, like those arcade games where
you hit the gators or the groundhogs. Also when jumping on their
heads wear those mountain climbing boots with spikes on the bottom for extra
fun!
DEPRESSION/SUICIDE:
First of all I want YOU to memorize something: depression = suicide.
Remember that scientific formula. This method usually takes some planning
and some patience too. Now what you do is leave a suicide note pinned to the
fridge saying something like this:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thanks for making life such a hell for such a hell for me. You made me
realize that life is not worth living anymore so I should just end it all
right now. I am sick and tired of your yelling and arguing with me. I just
can't take all that shit anymore. I can't stand living with you and I can't
stand YOU! Therefore, I feel that this is the only way out, so I
decided to (pick a suicide method or add one of your own)
a) go to the ocean and drown
b) Jump of a __________ (write in the name of a high place in your area,
like a hill or something.
So thank you once again dear mother and father for making me realize how
shitty/unkind/cold/mean the world is. If it wasn't for you I would still
be alive in this fucked-up world.
p.s. By the time you read this I will allready be free (dead) so don't
bother looking for my body.
Sincerely your dead son/daughter,
_________ ( sign your name)
The main focus point in the letter is to make them feel responsible for your
death. This letter will create an even stronger effect on your parents if
you just had a big fight the night before with them. Also don't forget to
write the letter by hand so they will know it's genuine.
Once you finish writing the letter and you put it in a visible spot you'll
need to find a place to hide out in for a while, like a treehouse. Just make
sure you have plenty of food and water (about a week's worth because it
usually doesn't take more than a week for your parents to snap). Then if you
are lucky your parents will soon decide life isn't worth living without
their child and kill themselves, (if you are not the only child kill your
brother(s) and/or sister(s) and add their signatures to the suicide note
above). Now if you hear a gunshot or 2 in the next couple of days it means
you have succeded and your mission is accomplished. I you don't hear a
gunshot it could mean that your parents chose a different way to die or that
you need to take more drastic measures. So what you do is late at night or
early in the morning (around 2-3 am, or whenever your parents are asleep)
dress up in pale white clothing, make your skin paler by using make up
bought at a costume/art/prank store or sprinkle some flour all over
yourself. Also darken your eyes by using eyeliner or whatever and smear some
ketchup around yourself to represent blood. Then go to your parents' bedroom
and start saying in a low and slow voice, "Join me mommy and daddy, join me,
it's lonely here. I'm sad and I'm alone. It's very very cold." Do this
repeatedly for a week or so and it will definetly drive your parents "over
the edge."
UPS: This method is really fun to try and it gives you a chance to mess with
your parents' heads, not to mention you get to practice your acting
skills.
DOWNS: This method takes a little while, so like I said you need to have
patience. Another downer is that your parents might insist on looking
for your body so they can give little Johny a proper funeral. So what
you have to do is order a human corpse from the a science/biology
catalog or get one (steal one in layman's terms) from the local
morgue.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF THE BODIES
Ok, so you've finally killed your parents, but now you have 2 corpses lying
around in the living room. Not exactly the furnishing style you were going
for? Well here are a couple of ways you can get rid of those 2 dead things
in your house:
- Drag them outside and dump them in the dumpster. Just make sure you pile
some trash bags over them so they are not noticeable.
- If you are to weak to do the above method you should start working out,
but for now you can chop the bodies into decent size pieces with a nice
axe or butcher knife. Then put the pieces in a plastic bag, then put the
plastic bag in a brown bag, then close the brown bag, then toss the bags
into the dumpster. Or you can eat the meat if you are into that sort of
thing.
- Toss the bodies into the ocean, when the tide is leaving.
- Bury the bodies in your backyard. Just make sure you bury them deep enough
(the standard 6 feet should do just fine). You can also plant some
flowers over the "graves" to disguise it as a garden.
Well that's the end of this phile look for other philez by me wherever you
got this one.
ps. Email me all your threats at xcon0@yahoo.com or you can even fax me at
1-559-663-4067
Tootles everyone
-DIzzIE
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
TOP 5 WAYS THE NUCLEAR BOMB DROPPED ON HIROSHIMA HELPED JAPAN
BY: DIzzIE (C)1-9-9-9
1. Decreased the overpopulation problems.
2. Killed various annoying bugs, such as: termites, locusts, politicians
3. Helped clear land for more industries, (Nike sweatshops, what else?)
4. Gave Japan lots of publicity, that it hasn't seen since Godzilla.
5. Made the US shell out and give Japan lots of stuff, like formula-x
band-aids, a life time supply of animal crackers, oh, and who could
forget a 2nd nuke!
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
TOP 10 REASONS TO KILL YOURSELF
BY: DIzzIE (C)1999
1. You are going to die anyways, so you might as well get it over with now.
2. Your life sucks. It may appear at times like you're really having fun,
but all good things eventually lead to bad things.
3. You have no friends and no one likes you. It may appear like they do, but
they are only using you to get what they want, because all human beings
are naturally selfish and shall remain selfish, no matter how hard they
try not to be.
4. Come on... you know you want to.. just get your old man's rifle...
5. What is really the point of living? Think about that for a little while.
You go through life, doing all those things you do, WHY? Just so you can
die in the end anyway?
6. Haven't you ever wondered what death would feel like? There are sooooooo
many possibilities: reincarnation, being a ghost, heaven/hell, etc...
7. You will never have to worry about anything anymore, all your problems
shall be solved. BLISS! Bliss, I tell ya.
8. Life is one misery after another = school: homework, than work: more
"homework," never any free time, but with death = all the free time you
ever wanted!
9. You might meet some interesting people wherever you go (if anywhere),
when you die, maybe not people at all, but other beings.
10. WHY THE HELL NOT?
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
HOUSEHOLD TORTURE TECHNIQUES
BY: (drum roll) DIzzIE (C) 1999!
Do you want to torture/severely injure someone, but you don't have the money
to go out and by some torture equipment from the friendly Iraqi government?
Or you don't have the patience to organize a raid on the local museum, which
has some old torture stuff? Well don't worry, this is written exactly for
YOU! Here are some ways you can torture a person with the materials in your
very own home!
Before you perform any of those torture methods make sure that the victim is
firmly tied to a chair, or in a position where he can not get loose, because
if he does get loose you will get quite a hefty kick in the buttocks.
WATER:
There are a couple ways you can torture someone with water.
a) Tie the person to a chair and place him in front of the sink. Then turn
on the water, so that only a drop or two falls at a time. Leave the
person in this position for a couple of weeks, just make sure you give
him some food. Better yet, you could put the person under the faucet so
the water drips on his forehead. After the 2 weeks are up you'll have
your very own madman!
b) Underwater fun. Put the person's head in a basin or bathtub filled with
water. Submerge his head in it for periods of time, ranging from 2 to 5
minutes. Do this for several hours. He-he.
c) Forcefully make the person drink water, lots of water. If he keeps
closing his mouth stick a stick sideways into his mouth (between his
teeth) and ties the ends of the stick to his chair, so there will always
be a gap in his mouth. Then just stick a funnel in there and keep pouring
in water. It helps if you play a video of a waterfall, or go and flush
the toilet repeatedly.
d) Dump the person's body in a bathtub of near-boiling water. Keep the body
in there for about 30 seconds at first, adding 5 seconds every time after
that.
e) Forcefully make the person drink water (see c), but this time first make
it be really cold water, or go get some ice cream and make him eat that,
or just put the glob of ice cream in his mouth. Then, get a cup of hot
water and dump that in his mouth. This will cause his teeth to crack.
This hurts a lot, but the victim shall still be able to talk (you can
tell from the violent cussing and screaming in the background)
FLAMING INK: Get a pen (see my other file called flames.txt), set it on fire
and then as the hot ink is dripping down make it drip on the victim's skin.
Try to get it to drip on sensitive parts of the body). For men, their penis,
for women, their vagina and tits.
SALT: Cut the victim's arm (away from any major arteries, we don't want him
to die, now do we?), then pour some salt on the wound. Cover your ears or
put a rag in the victim's mouth.
RED PEPPER: get some dried red pepper, than rub it against the inside of the
victim's nostrils. For men, rub some on the tip of their penis, for women,
rub some on their vagina. Then you can also rub the pepper into one of their
eyes.
LIGHT BULBS: Tape the victim's palms to 2 light bulbs (that are screwed into
a lamp whose shade has been taken off). If the victim tries to struggle, he
will just break the light bulbs, causing the glass to go into his palms.
Turn the lamps on, and wait for the light bulbs to heat up. Once it gets
really hot the victim will try to free his arms, but they will be taped to
the lights. Next the victim will try to close his palms to drive the pain
away. This will cause the bulbs to brake, and drive the glass into his arms.
STARVATION: The simplest, yet one of the most affective torture methods.
Just leave the victim in a corner and don't feed him. After several weeks
he'll start to brake down.
DRUNKENNESS: Not really a torture method, but this is still a good way to
get the person to reveal the information you want. Just forcefully make him
drink a bottle of vodka, and he'll start telling you everything you need to
know, and even some stuff you really didn't want to know.
WHITE OUT (OR ANYTHING ELSE FLAMMABLE): Spread the white out or the other
flammable substance over the person's skin and set it on fire. Let him burn
for a little while, or a long while.
HOUSEHOLD CLEANERS: Get one of those oven cleaners in a spray bottle, or any
other cleaner that says "do not make skin or eye contact," or "CAUTION: EYE
IRRITANT." Then just spray the stuff into one of the person's eye, sit back
and watch him scream.
DOORS: Slam the person's hand (especially the fingers) in between a door.
!!!POWER TOOLS!!!: Ah, so many possibilities here. Like a drill, nothing
better then drilling into the person's hand, or foot, (not the anywhere on
the face, we don't want to kill him, now do we?). You can also use the power
saw to cut off a few fingers.
That's all the stuff I can think of right now. Just remember: if the person
gets too cocky you can always use a yo-yo string to quite him down...
The end... email me at xcon0@yahoo.com or fax me at 1-559-663-4067
-TOOTLES!!!
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
TEN RULES FOR A PURE SOCIALISTIC SOCIETY
BY: DIzzIE (C)1999
1. Thou shall share with thou friends.
2. Thou shall all band together. [Work together. Celebrate together. Band
against the enemy together.
3. Thou shall help thy friends in their time of need.
4. Thou shall do thy work, be part of the group, and get things in return.
If thou does not do thou portion of work, thou shall be banished from the
group.
5. Thou shall be friends with all members of the group.
6. Thou shall defend each other from enemies. (Opposers of socialism and
non-members of the group).
7. Thou shall work to improve the group and make things easier for everyone.
8. Thou shall listen and pay attention to members of the group.
9. Thou shall NEVER use money or any other form of economy. If thou uses
money thou shall be banished from the group.
10. Thou must always remember that thou is always equal to members of the
group: neither better, nor worse.
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
WAYS TO KILL/TORTURE A SLUG
BY: DIzzIE (C)1999!
This file contains exactly what the title says (as usual)
1. Put a firecracker under it.
2. Smash it with a hammer (might get kinda messy)
3. Boil it (really cool, the slug's skin begins bubbling and popping)
4. Put it in the microwave (POP!)
5. Give it a bath in acid (sulfuric acid will be best)
6. Spray it with household oven cleaners
7. Spray it with spray paint (look mommy a neon-orange slug!)
8. Poke holes in it with a nail (the slug starts leaking black stuff)
9. Cut of parts of it (the antlers, the tail)
10. Tie the slug to 2 bent trees, then unbend the trees, ripping the
slug in 2.
11. Make a slug milkshake, yummmmmmmmmy!
12. Put the slug in the freezer for a while.
13. Put the slug in melted gold, when it hardens you'll have a slug
paperweight.
14. Tape the slug to a bowling ball and role it down a steep street
15. Give it to a hungry homeless person.
16. Make it listen to country music, (don't be surprised if the slug hangs
itself)
17. Shove it up a cat's arsehole.
18. Get one of those basketball pumps with the needles and pump up the slug
to get a slug balloon!
19. Get little pieces of plastic, set them on fire, and drop them on the
slug.
20. Get a syringe and fill it with nitroglycerin, then inject it into the
slug and insert a little fuse into the slug. You've just made a slug
bomb.
21. Put the slug in a washer/dryer. Remember, a clean slug is a good slug.
22. Put the slug in the garbage disposal (get a towel ready).
23. Sprinkle salt on the slug, and watch it shrink.
24. Flush it down the toilet, and away it'll go.
25. Tape it to a tennis ball/soccer ball/golf ball/baseball/basket ball/
hockey puck, and play the sport. FORE!!!
26. Tie it to a giant speaker and turn the volume way up.
27. Put a shotgun right next to the slug and fire, then see if you can find
any pieces of the slug.
28. Tie the slug to a stick and put the stick in the middle of a red and
hill, pour honey over the slug.
Email me/fax me at xcon0@yahoo.com, 1-559-663-4067
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
VENDING MACHINE FUN
BY: DIzzIE (ohhhhhh, ahhhhhhh) (C)'99
A couple fun things to do to vending machines:
- You know those coin return slots? Sure you do. Wedge a piece of cardboard
in there in the beginning of the day. In the end of the day get an icepick
or a knife and tear out the cardboard, therefore freeing all the change
that the people didn't get. Do this to soda machines, coin change
machines, and candy machines.
- Put professional (meaning you should type the signs, that's right, on a
computer) out of order signs on vending machines, for added effects unplug
the machines.
- Here's a spiff-o-matic way (sorry kids, but it doesn't involve murder) to
get free candy from those candy and snack machines with the clear plastic
front, you know the ones where you can see all the snacks. Get a drill and
drill a small hole in the center of the plastic front. Get a tough wire or
small straight stick, bend the tip of the wire into a hook, or attach some
chewing gum on the end of the pole, stick the wire through the hole you
just drilled and just pick up the candy with the hook, raise it over the
'safety bar' and drop it down where you can pick it up.
- Pour water into the coin slot. No, not because this makes the machine go
crazy and start spitting out money (that sometimes worked on very old
models), but because this will mess the machine up, therefore causing the
government to waste a couple hundred bucks on buying a new condom machine
for the white house.
- Put up a warning sign (it should be typed, and for added effect have the
coca-cola logo on it) that says that the beverages contained within this
machine have been proven to cause birth defects and high risks of cancer.
Email me at xcon0@yahoo.com or/and fax me at 1-559-663-4067
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
THE 5 MOST COMMON TYPES OF VIRUS WRITERS
BY: DIzzIE ?1999
The Fired/Laid-Off Worker = This type is only interested in one thing:
revenge. He wants to pay back his boss or another co-worker by wreaking
havoc in the company's computer.
The Messed-Up Kamikaze Dumbass = This persona is quite rare, he will write a
malicious virus and then unleash it on his own computer! Then he will sit
back and laugh as his computer gets trashed.
The Do-Gooder = This virus writer also belongs to the "dumbass" branch of
virus writers. What he does is write a virus, then call McAfee or Norton and
tell them about his virus and how to block it, so everybody will be safe
from it.
The Prankster = A mostly harmless virus writer here, just makes fake
viruses, that don't do anything, just pretend to erase your hard disk. Or
the virus could be something annoying like flipping your mouse keys, opening
the cd drive, or restarting the computer every 5 minutes.
The 100% Pure Evil Virus Writer = This is the most feared virus writer of
all. If you run across this virus overlord, you might as well go back to a
piece of paper and forget about your computer. No virus protection program
can save you now, AHAHAHA! This is the virus writer that you heard about on
the news last night, yeah you know, the one that knocked out the CIA
mainframe.
-DAS ENDE
-FIN
-THE END
-TADA
Email me at xcon0@yahoo.com or fax me at 1-559-663-4067
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREE FOOD
BY: DIzzIE ?2000
We all need food to live. In the society (commonly referred to as "shitbox"
or "hellhole") that we live in now if we don't have money then we don't have
food. That is exactly what the government wants us to think! That is how it
forces us and makes us go to work, and slave away. But that is wrong! More
lies that the government spoon-feeds us. Here are several ways you can get
yourself some free grub:
RESTAURANTS
- Go into any restaurant and order any meal you want. Eat it, then ask for
the check. While the waiter is getting the check (usually takes them about
15 minutes) just get up and leave (or you can wait until the waiter
actually brings you the check). If you do this at the right time when the
restaurant is full (usually Friday and Saturday nights around 6 p.m.) no
one will stop you. If for some reason the front way is blocked you can
always sneak out from the bathroom window. No window in the bathroom? Then
you can go out through the kitchen. If stopped by one of the cooks mutter
something about going to see the manager, or say that you're new.
- Order any meal you want. Wait till it's served to you. Wait until the
waiter starts to walk away, quickly put a cockroach or hair, or something
of that sort, on your plate. Yell at the waiter to come back. Show him the
hair/bug in your food. Refuse to pay for your meal. The waiter will offer
you a free meal, if he doesn't, insist that he does or you'll call the
manager and the Health & Sanitation Committee.
- In self-serve restaurants where you eat first then pay at the exit: just
eat all you want and stuff the rest in your pockets. Then either go out
through the bathroom window or through the back. You can put on an apron
so you wont get hassled by the cooks.
- You and your partner should come in to the restaurant (or a Burger King
type place), order your food, and eat it. When you are done eating and the
check comes start a loud argument with each other, if necessary throw fake
punches at one another. You will be asked to leave. So you just got a free
meal. If you do this in a Burger-King type place, where you pay before you
eat, wait until the food is on the counter, then start the fight, before
paying. Don't forget to grab the bag with the burgers as you are being
thrown out of the place by the coppers.
SUPERMARKETS
- Most stores toss out day-old bread, and other baked goods. You can come up
to them (the employees) and ask them to give it to you. It helps if you
say that you have a large family and you are currently in a "financial
struggle." You can also say that you run an animal shelter and want to
give the bread to the animals.
- Most supermarkets offer free samples of new foods on Saturdays and
Sundays. You can also ask for free samples of meat at the meat counter.
And why not take some fruits that are just lying there in the open,
begging to be eaten.
- Shoplifting, the 5-fingered discount, permanent borrowing, whatever you
want to call it. There are plenty of books and files out there that tell
you how to shoplift, so I will just tell you a few key points.
o Whenever you shoplift make sure no one is watching you, and look
inconspicuous, in other words don't look guilty.
o Don't rush out of the store as soon as you get what you want. Walk
around a little bit, and carry a hand basket, placing random items in
it.
o Don't draw any attention to yourself. Be as insignificant as possible.
o Walk regularly, striiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.
o Dress casually, not like you usually do. Wear long-sleeved shirts to put
things in the sleeves, and make sure your pants have plenty of pockets.
o Check out the security system of the store. This can be accomplished by
going to the manager and asking for a tour of the store. They'll show
you all the behind-the-scenes stuff, including the security features.
OTHER
- Churches, homeless shelters, and soup kitchens offer free meals to the
homeless. On holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving those places have
special meals with lots of food. So dress up like your favorite hobo and
stop by your favorite shelter today. Just remember to come early.
- Get a cardboard box and label it "American Cancer Society" or "First
Christian Church." Then go around door-to-door saying that you are
collecting foods for the needy. Walk around town, if you spot any large
outdoor parties at a park, with food, just invite yourself to the party.
If someone asks you who you are, mutter something about being "John's
friend."
- Grow your own food. Invest in some seeds and start your own garden. If you
know someone who already has a garden wait until nightfall and go to their
garden and "borrow" their fruits and veggies.
- Some hotels offer free breakfast and even dinner (if you live in the
hotel). Enter the hotel, take the stairs or elevator up to a higher floor,
look around for a room with one of those "do not disturb" signs on it.
Remember the room number. Go back downstairs, and start eating. If they
come up to you and ask for your room number, just tell them the number of
the room with the "do not disturb" sign. Make sure to come early and eat
as quickly as you can. Most hotels also let you put the price of any meal
eaten at the hotel on your total room tab. So just got to a hotel
restaurant, tell them to put the food on your room tab, tell them the room
number you picked , and you can go to a different hotel every day, and eat
a semi-luxurious meal.
- If you write to some food companies, praising their food, they will often
send you coupons for their-brand free food. To get the address of the
company that makes the food you want, look on the box for an address. Make
sure to write a nice letter, praising the company and their "fine"
products.
-FIN
email me at xcon0@yahoo.com or fax me at 1-559-663-4067
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
HOW TO GET FREE STUFF WHEN MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
BY: DizzIE (C)1999
Ok so you are moving to Austria, well why not leave with some quality
Amerikan items (that are made in Japan)? Here are some things you can get
for free when you move to a different country, and how to get them for free.
1. Free library books. There are lots of ways you can smuggle library books
out of the library like pulling out the magnetic strip or tossing them
out the window and then getting them... But there is a much simpler way.
All you have to do is apply for a library card, get the card, then check
out as many books as you want. Do this about one week before you move.
2. Free videos. Apply for a blockbuster membership or something like that.
If they ask for an ID but you don't have one just go to your computer,
choose a different language font, like Russian and just write away at the
keyboard to make a bunch of nonsense, then just scan your picture next to
it, print it out, lamenate it and show it to the friendly employee,
pretend that you don's speak much English. Then just take as many videos
as you want, pay the $2 and leave. So you just got yourself some brand
new movies for only 2 bucks. Do this about 3 days before you leave.
Another way you could get free videos without moving anywhere is when
asked for your name and address give the name and address of that one kid
who used to pour hot glue down your pants. The employee wont be able to
check this information because your ID is in a different language, hehe.
3. Free furniture. You know all of those commercials you see on TV, the ones
that say you can buy a mattress and pay no money down until the year
2000, or buy a couch and pay no money until 2003. Well just take
advantage of that and go and get yourself some new furniture. You wont
have to pay for it when you buy it (DUH!), and then when the free-time
period is up and they send you the fee notice they will get it returned,
while you can be the only one in Peru to have a nice big-ass leather
couch.
4. Free anything! Yup, there is a way you can get nearly anything you want
for free. All you need is to sign up for one or 2 credit cards like visa
or mastercard and when you get the card(s) buy as much shit as you can
fit in your ass and then get the hell out of the country as soon as
possible. Make sure you buy some false papers, like passports, ids, birth
certificates, because el govermente will try to find you. So plan on
laying low in Cuba or something.
That's it for this phile look for more cuming soon to an underground web
site near you, or you can email me at xcon0@yahoo.com. If you want you can
even fax me at 1-559-663-4067
-----TOOTLES EVERYONE!
-DIzzIE
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
HOMEMADE PEPPER SPRAY
BY: DIzzIE (C)'99 (YEAY! GO DIzzIE !!!!!)
Ok, there is a very simple way to make homemade pepper spray, or the
equivalent of it. Most of you probably know this, but for our special
readers:
A) Go and buy some marinated jalapeno peppers. Pour the marinated juice into
a super soaker or one of them spray bottles. Then go out spray people,
huhhuh.
B) Same as above except use bleach.
C) Get a can of spray paint, or oven cleaner.
D) Beat up a drunken cop and take his pepper spray.
Email me : xcon0@yahoo.com
Fax me: 1-559-663-4067
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
uXu #533 Underground eXperts United 2000 uXu #533
ftp://ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/uXu/
---------------------------------------------------------------------------