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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ How To Get More Sex ] [ By The GNN ]
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
HOW TO GET MORE SEX
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
Once again, we thank Cheap Attention Grabbers for supplying
us with a great title! Thanks boys!
The true (and way too long) title of this textfile is however:
HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY CONSTRUCT AN ELECTRONIC PUBLICATION IN THREE EASY LESSONS
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
Right this minute, billions and billions of people ask themselves these
questions: What is this? Yet another file on how to successfully create a
e-zine in three easy lessons? Do we really need this crap?
The answer is: Yes, of course we do. For the sake of humanity. For the
sake of your own ego. Down to business.
<LESSON ONE> THE NAME OF YOUR PUBLICATION
For starters, you need to give your magazine a name. The best thing is to
put together three words so that it looks like you were the coolest dudes on
earth. A good move is to give the impression that you are the one and only
expert of a subculture, preferably the computer underground. To be able to
give your friends the same status, inform the reader that you are a bunch of
- united* experts. For example: 'united underground experts'(UUE), 'eXperts
united Underground' (XuU), 'underground United eXperts' (uUX).
<LESSON TWO> WHAT TO WRITE
Electronic magazines offer no entertainment. Hell no, in the zine business
you must be 'political' and 'offensive'. This kind of writing is referred
to as 'ranting' (which is a nice paraphrase for 'whiny'). Please keep in
mind that your audience will mostly consist of less intelligent people,
which means that your texts must be on their level. If you wrote files that
were not on the wavelength of the common zine reader, you would immediately
be considered as 'self-occupied', due to that the reader would find no
support for his own trivial problems concerning his puberty in your text.
Such a development would be fatal for your publication and should therefore
be avoided at all cost.
Example 1a: (WRONG)
"Life is wonderful. Everything is great. I have a beautiful boyfriend,
even though I don't really know how he looks like, since I met him
on the IRC #really_intelligent_men_with_big_cocks. I have a nice job.
Well, actually, it sucks. But who cares? As long as there is love,
peace and understanding in this world, everything is jolly good.
I never watch television since it makes me depressed. You ought
not watch TV either, since it will make you depressed. Be happy!
Yippe-yippe-yay-yay, it's fun to be-gay-gay, all fucking day-day."
Example 1b: (RIGHT)
"I'm a teenager and my life sucks. I hate myself. In fact, I hate
everything. You know what? Yesterday, I saw a commercial on TV.
It sucked. I hated it. I hate the government, even though I don't
really know which country I live in. Everything is so insane. I'm
insane. Don't tell me that I am wrong, because you don't know the
real me. I've had a tough childhood. I've been on heroine. Yeah.
Everything sucks besides Nine Inch Nails. And Simpsons. Fuck."
If you are into poetry (even though you should avoid that genre - no one is
really interested writing poetry, less *reading* such crap), the same rules
apply.
Example 1c: (WRONG)
April is the cruellest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.
Example 1d: (RIGHT)
proto-fascism and crack;
killed my flying Mac,
seven sailors in a row
fucked me like a cow
[Note to Swedish readers:] Den svenska e-zine-industrin ser helt annorlunda
ut, och de ovan givna exemplen {r helt v{rdel|sa f|r ett svenskt zine. Hav
f|rtr|stan, f|r det {r faktiskt mycket enklare att publicera ett zine i
Sverige som omedelbart n}r en stor publik och blir om}ttligt popul{r. Allt
som kr{vs {r en ordbok och en herrans massa knappande p} tangenter (vilket
inte ska misstas f|r 'skrivande'). Tekniken {r k{nd som LOB-Teratologen-
tekniken, efter de tv} mest erk{nda m{starna p} det omr}det, {ven om de
faktiskt skrev *riktiga* b|cker. I sammandrag ser en typiskt text (ja, ett
helt zine faktiskt) ut p} detta vis:
"det {r nu dags att knyta f|rnuftets m{starn{ve i de borgerliga asens
f|rljugna r|vh}l och kl{mma den kvasiintellektuella prostatan tills
den v{lf|rtj{nsta publika orgasmen i v{lf{rd och dumhet sk|ljer |ver
massorna och de slickar i sig den absurda sanning som bara vi k{ra
l{sare kan f|rse eder med d} vi vara det nya genesis, tiden och hoppets
sanna b|rjan p} en ny bisarr tids}lder i paradoxernas samtid"
Obegripligt? Sj{lvklart. Brist p} n}got vettigt att s{ga kan, och skall,
alltid lindas in i avancerat 'kul' ordvr{ngeri. [End of note.]
<LESSON THREE> HEADS AND FOOTS
All electronic zines that aims for reputation need two additional features:
1) A nice ascii-logo with class (head) and 2) a foot with information how
many distribution sites the magazine possess around the world.
It should be mentioned that it is impossible for you not to have any
ascii-logos of class, because virtually there is no such thing as
'ascii-logos with class'. All logos suck, more or less. The reason for this
is simple: you cannot create art with ascii. Those who dare to claim the
opposite are all a bunch of liars who try to justify the only thing they are
good at, putting together crap.
If you have not got any distribution sites, the simple technique 'lie'
will remedy that embarrassing fact. Everybody uses the Internet nowadays,
which means that there is no need for bulletin board systems, which means
that no one will ever try to call one, which means that you can list how
many non-existing boards you feel for.
Example 2a: (WRONG)
Bad beYond Belief Magazine Presents
File #02: "Welcome to My Anxiety"
written by ETT JAVLA HELVETE
blah blah blah blah blah
--------------------------------------------------
Call one of our dist sites: (we haven't got any)
But please apply! PLEASE PLEASE FUCKING PLEASE
--------------------------------------------------
Example 2b: (RIGHT)
qwercqwrcqwrecqwercwqer z<ascc><<<<
00000000 0CC CCCCCCCCCC 000 asc xsszzza
xxXXX00000000000cccceew wwwwwwwwww ascasc////////////////7
XXXXXXXXXXXXX 000 eeeeeeeeeee3333333d ccccccc///////// ///7
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx www 00 ECCEECeeeeecccccccccccc//////////7
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxeeeeeeeee 000000 cccccccccccccc//// /////7
////////////cwqrcqrcwcrcrb657567356745553//////////////7
////////wetvqwetvqwevcccccccccct 000000000000000000000
000000 00000000000000000000000 zxxxxxxxxc <.pRiCK.>
Presents....
File 000002: "WHY THIS MAGAZINE IS SO DAMN GREAT!"
written by I AM SO GODDAMN GREAT!
blah blah blah blah blah blah
--------------------------------------------------
CALL OUR DIST SITES: SUCKER! THEY'RE ALL SEKRET
WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE *HAKKERS*!
--------------------------------------------------
<APPENDIX> THE *REAL* SECRET BEHIND A SUCCESSFUL E-ZINE...
Forget all of the above. If you want your e-zine to become popular and
famous (within the tight limits of this culture), there is just one simple
rule you need to follow. Always remember, 'quantity is more important than
quality'. Release files like hell, but never ever care if they all suck.
There is no such thing as 'proof-reading' in the textfile industry. (A cool
web-site with tonnes of graphics will work out fine too; just make sure that
no one will be able to easily find your files somewhere in the pile of
pointless animations.) Case closed.
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uXu #419 Underground eXperts United 1998 uXu #419
http://www.uxu.org
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