💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › UXU › uxu-205.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 15:05:45.
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Big Bang Phil ] [ By The GNN ]
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"BIG BANG PHIL"
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
"God does not play dice!"
(Einstein)
You know, Phil was that kind of guy that people tried to avoid at all
cost. When he came walking through the corridors at the university, burned
face and smoke rising from his hair, eyes shining, everybody ran away.
They knew he was up to something. Phil was always up to something, but
only concerning explosives. Phil was a handsome young man, but completely
uninterested in social life. He never drank anything (except for strange
fluids he mixed himself) and he never dated any girls (and even if he did,
no one would go out with him since all humans fear death).
After two days at the University of Dreil he managed to blow up a table
during chemistry class, with the help from some black powder he quickly
made (when he was supposed to peacefully mix water and sugar).
That was the first time his class mates noticed him, and his insane
laughter when something exploded. After six weeks he had blown the entire
room to trash thirteen times. Then the headmaster heard about him. After
the first year, Phil had accidentally (he always claimed that it had been
accidents) blown four different classrooms to nothing over thirty times
each, he had set the school on fire over fifty times and he had almost
killed five-hundred people at the new years eve when he was in charge for
the fire crackers.
But Phil was not concerned (compared to his now totally neurotic and
paranoid mates). He claimed that he was a scientist, a scientist who had
dedicated his life to the work of 'everything that goes boom!' The
teachers, the students and the rest of the town wanted Phil out of the
university as soon as (curse) possible. The headmaster however, often
praised Phil for being such a hard working student and let him stay. 'He
works day and night to fulfill his visions,' the headmaster said while half
of the building went up in flames. 'Phil loves to study and come up with
new ideas,' he claimed while the school was filled with smoke and coughing
students. 'Phil must stay!', he yelled when yet another bottle of
nitroglycerine exploded and gave some old professor his third heart attack.
But we have not yet reached to the point of this story. Phil was not
some everyday pyrotechnic. Trust me.
One day, Phil rushed into the chemistry class and shouted that he had
invented a new kind of 'portable bomb' that would for sure 'kick ass'. The
room was quickly abandoned and left Phil alone with the teacher who
desperately prayed to Jesus (and Satan and Muhammad and Krishna, whatever
he could think of before it was too late) from under a desk. Phil walked
to him, bent down and opened his suitcase. The old grey-hairy teacher
screamed in agony as he expected Phil to reveal yet another new black ball
with a burning fuse in it. But instead, Phil fished up a very small glass
tube that seemed completely empty.
The teacher felt better. Phil had finally went completely mad and
started to make bombs out of air, he thought.
Phil held the tube between two fingers and held it close to the teacher's
face (who was still under the desk) and explained that the tube contained a
revolution in military boom-boom warfare. The teacher smiled, nodded and
lied that Phil was a true genius while imagining Phil in the local asylum
and a peaceful university.
'I have managed to construct a new kind of vacuum!' Phil said and rolled
the tube between his fingers.
'How nice!' the teacher replied.
'Inside this vacuum there is a small spot of mass that is greater than
the universe!' Phil said.
'How nice!' the teacher replied.
'So, if this vacuum breaks, there will be an explosion that will be
greater than the Big Bang!' Phil said with a slight pride in his voice.
'Idiot!' the teacher screamed. 'Are you insane?'.
'Not at all!' Phil said and exposed a huge joy in his face. 'Look!'
The teacher watched with fear how Phil threw the bottle against the
nearest wall. He understood from the happy face of Phil that something
nasty was going to happen.
It happened. Oh man what a bang! The absolute infinite mass in the tube
imploded (together with the rest of the universe) and exploded. Phil was
wrong, the explosion was not better than the Big Bang.
But very close.
However, do not worry about this little intermezzo, dear readers. Phil
is gone and cannot hurt us. But please let me know if you notice any
fanatic individual who enjoys making bizarre explosives. Thanks to Phil
our present universe do exist and I do not fancy to be a part of a new
bang, if you know what I mean?
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Uh oh, the myth is dead again.
It could be stopped! DO NOT CALL GURUS DREAM +46-8-DARN
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My 'ol 55.
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uXu #205 Underground eXperts United 1994 uXu #205
Call THE CRIME SCENE -> +1-516-873-8903
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