💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › UXU › uxu-184.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 15:05:01.
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ The GNN's File #100 ] [ By The GNN ]
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
THE GNN'S FILE #100: THIS IS WHAT YOU READ, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
A live performance.
With some help from Phearless and Hedge.
Yes. This is what you read and this is what you get. Nothing can change
that even if you try. However, what will be written in the future can be
changed if you open your mouth and let a few creative comments pass your
lips. Creative comments, flowers, chocolate and greeting cards can be
mailed to me at GNN@krille.update.uu.se.
Oh, I forgot to say hello and welcome to my one hundredth file for the
Underground eXperts United series of text files! This is my own personal
text file and I will not do anything else than speak about myself! Hohoho,
yeah, I know that might be boring but...
(Audience goes: "BOOO!")
...I felt that I had to expose my great ego and intelligent...
(Audience throws empty beer bottles against the stage, *crash* )
... *crash*...mind... <Ahem>. Now then, *crash* since I guess this
will be quite an exciting evening *crash* *crash* for all of us, especially
YOU since you now finally have the chance to speak to me in person! I know
that this is what you have wanted for years now! (or to be more precise:
two years and five months!)
So! Come on people! Tell me how much you love me and...
(Audience laughs out loud. Someone screams "Fuck you mister! HAHA!")
...how much you... have... uh... appreciated my files! Come on people
ask me about my life!
Audience: "How on earth have you been able to produce so
much SHIT during your years with uXu?"
Right. Shit. Well, I felt that the world needed my help and the best
way to give them that was to write GREAT files about our society and how
the world works! And...
Audience: "Thanks, we have heard enough... How come
you never stop? That would make the world
a better place to live in!"
Better place? BETTER PLACE? NOW LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE BRAINDEAD HUMAN
BEING I AM THE ONE AND ONLY TEXT FILE WRITER ON THIS...
(Audience laughs and brings up their shot guns)
...AND I WILL... hey... HEY! Wait! Do not shoot! I will not write
anything more! Trust me! I was only kidding! Hey! Heey! HEEEEEEY!
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
(Audience shouts: "Was it good for you too GNN?! HAW HAW HAW!")
Gasp, gasp... uh... just *cough* great, thank you! *cough*...
(Audience leaves, leaving GNN dying on the stage)
It is hard to be a writer nowadays... first rejected by all publishers
on planet Earth, then shot. Thank God I gave The Chief plenty of money so
he would release my AMAZING files! *cough*. People do not seem to
appreciate REAL ART nowadays! Bah! Lame! Stupid! They just want to
work, get a good-looking partner to fuck, work, go home and watch TV before
they die of cancer a few years later!
Truly amazing... what the... HEY! HEY! OVER HERE! HELP!
(Three people enters the hall, looking around for GNN)
COME HERE! I am here! Ah, finally some fans! I knew they would show
up! The other people must have been terrorists who works for the corrupted
state! I knew they wanted to kill me! OVER HERE! *cough* *gasp*...
"Hello there GNN! How is everything?"
Fine thank you.. just fine! A few holes in my body, but I will survive!
No problem! Just take me to a hospital and I will soon be able to write
again!
(The three people steps out from the shadows)
Oh, it is you... The Chief, Phearless and Ralph. What are you doing
here? Are you not supposed to... uh... organize some surprise-party for
me to celebrate my ONE HUNDREDTH FILE? *ouch* *cough*
"Well, you see... we changed our minds! We decided to get here and help
you away from this place instead!"
You have always been such good friends...
(The Chief draws a Magnum .44 from his shoulder holster and places it in
The GNN'S mouth.)
"You see... we feel that it is time for you to stop writing ALL THAT
SHIT THAT YOU KEEP GIVING US!"
(Ralph and Phearless looks at each other, nodding)
...glomp schko kroks uh?
(The Chief pulls the trigger)
*BANG*
(and again)
*BANG*
(and again and again and again and again)
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
-- MEANWHILE IN HEAVEN --
Angel: "Ya know what?"
God: "Nope..."
Angel: "They just shot The GNN!"
God: "FINALLY! I have *waited* for that to happen after I
had read his fucking "Divine Problems" file!
Give me the names of the killers and I will reserve
them a place here!
Angel: "Consider it done, man!"
-- MEANWHILE IN HELL --
Devil: "We have a problem..."
Satan: "We have?"
Devil: "The GNN is dead and will arrive in a couple of hours."
Satan: "OH NO! DAMN!"
Devil: "Right..."
<A few hours later>
...but I *KNOW* that this story will fit perfectly in the "Lucifer
Science-Fiction Magazine!" I know that! Just publish it and I swear on my
mothers grave that the amount of subscribers will increase bigtime!
"Didn't you read my letter?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: Editor Lenny Lucifer
To: The GNN
Subject: PRINT THIS!
No! No! NO! NO WAY! CRAP!
Yours truly, Lucifer.
LUCIFER SCIENCE-FICTION MAGAZINE - HOT STORIES FOR SINNERS
Mail submissions to Lucifer@hell.SF.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I did but you never said that you disliked it!
"Now listen to me, Gnu..."
It is GNN! *THE* GNN! THE ONE AND ONLY *THE GNN*!
"Yeah... of course. We do like this instead: I will BURN your story
and then you will go to the daily torture together with Satan and his great
friends? OK?"
No way! This is a magnificent piece of art and...
"OK?!"
Alright then... but you do not know what you are missing!
"Fuck you...."
Some other day maybe, some devil just pushed a big log up my ass and I
feel a bit sore yet so...
"JUST BE QUIET AND LEAVE MY OFFICE!"
(GNN receives a kick in his (sore) ass and flies out through the door)
*CRASH*... Jeppers! This is incredible! How could he refuse to print a
story that revealed ALL the facts about how right atheism is! Hmm...
maybe a little out of date perhaps...?
"HELLOOO GnN... aRe yOU ReADy for THE DAILY SUFFERING? HEH HEH HEH?"
Oh, hello Satan.. well, I am ready BUT JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THIS STORY I
WROTE! It is great! Read it!
(Satan falls down on his knees, crying)
"I CANNOT STAND THIS ANY MORE! I CANNOT STAND *YOU* OR YOUR SO-CALLED
STORIES!"
But it is great! I swear!
"GET LOST! BYE! ADIOS! CIAO! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE ANY MORE! (get
this motherfucker *out* of here NOW!)"
Yaaaaaaaaaargggggggggggggghhhh!
*CRASH*
Aha... back to Earth again! How nice! Better call THE STASH
immediately and send them my latest uXu productions!
CONNECT 9600