💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › UXU › uxu-132.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 15:03:17.
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ The House Of The Criminally Insane ] [ By The GNN ]
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"THE HOUSE OF THE CRIMINALLY INSANE"
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
"This story is dedicated to everybody who reads it.
SOON IT MIGHT HAPPEN TO YOU TOO! HA HA HA!"
This is plain fiction. All incidents and individuals
are made up. Even this text is faked. Nothing exists.
You are only dreaming this. I take no responsibility.
Why am I writing this? Who am I, anyway?
"... on?...is it on? Carl, IS THE BLOODY CAMERA ON? Turn it on then!
Is the mic on? OKAY it is on then! Everything ready?
Here we go..."
<CLONK>
"Good evening and welcome to LARRY LIVE! Tonight, I am standing in front
of a bizarre house that would make Stammerheim or Alcatraz look like summer
camps for disturbed children!
Yep, I am talking about the infamous H.O.T.C.I (House of the Criminally
INSANE) jail! Many of our dear viewers have written to me and BEGGED me to
do a report from this place and... well, here I am! Enough talking, let
us go inside and see what REALLY happens behind these walls of concrete.
The truth about the activities behind the mad dogs, electrified fences and
mine fields... hang on!"
"Who is it?"
"This is LARRY from LARRY LIVE! I have an appointment with Mr Tarantino
about your BEAUTIFUL jail here and..."
"Please wait... Oh! I see that you actually want to meet Mr Tarantino!
Welcome. Step inside. Just let me open the bomb-proof steel door, turn
off the alarm and neutralize our poison spiders."
"Thank you!"
"Yes? What do you want? I am a busy man you know!"
"Mr Tarantino, you are the "headmaster" of this charming little
institution and have been so for the last thirty years. You are also the
founder of H.O.T.C.I. Please answer our viewers the simple question: What
are you actually doing in this lovely house?"
"Ah, the press! To answer you question Larry; this is not a normal
house, it is a concrete jail with mad dogs and sadistic guards. We help
certain criminals back to a normal life. Blues Brothers says: 'we are on
a mission from God'. We say: 'we are on a mission from the government'.
Get it? Haha! It is almost the same!"
"Uhm... very funny! Ha ha! Ha ha? Now, well... uhm... what is your
speciality then?"
"Hackers! Electro Wizards! Phreakers! Crazed fanatical youths who
still believe that they can change the world by simply turning on their
home computer! Some of them can, that is why we exist. Those little
pimpled kids have been a pain in the arse for our government for the last
thirty years. Many of them crashes systems, finds data about or leaders
that no one actually wants to know (I am especially referring to that
'no-panties' pictures that was spread from Pentagon last year) or do other
magical carpet rides in the secret matrix world! Bah! Insane! Criminally
insane!"
"This sounds great to me. As our dear viewers know, even LARRY LIVE had
some trouble with a hacker before! A strange individual penetrated our
computers and forced us to show love stories with active physical sports!
However... how do you heal these mad men?"
"How WE heal them, mr Larry! We! We are a team at this jail! To answer
your question: it is not easy. It requires top-quality psychological
techniques all the way back from Freud to modern chilly ice baths, I tell
you that!"
"How interesting! Are you willing to demonstrate some of your classy
methods?"
"Of course. Follow me and I will show you!"
"What the... cut!"
<CLONK>
"You are standing on my microphone wire, Carl. I cannot move."
"Sorry."
<CLONK>
"In here we have the physical training! As you know, all hackers usually
have a thin body, gained from years of no movement at all. They only walk
when they move from the bed to the computer or from the computer to the
mail box. In here they lift weights, do push-ups and other hard work.
It usually takes five years before they reach status 'normal condition'.
There is nothing to see in here, let us move on."
("WORK OR DIE!")
"Just a minute. Who is screaming in there?"
"Ah, that is our teacher, Uncle Bob. Bob is a hard (but fair) guy who
uses his pedagogical strength to force the criminals to work."
"What is that other sound?"
"Well, he uses a whip too. Nothing to worry about. Let us go."
("WORK YOU ASSHOLE! DO IT OR I KILL YOU! FUCK YOU! I WANT TO SEE BLOOD
POUR OUT OF YOUR EARS, LAME-BRAINS! WORK!")
<CLONK>
"Did he say the F-word? Live on television? Great..."
<CLONK>
"Here is the psychological help! Our well-educated shrinks talks to the
hackers and convinces them how bad they really are. Naturally, we also
torture them."
"You torture them? With alligator clips and electricity?"
"No, no! We ask them certain questions and if they answer them wrong,
the whole wall in front of them is filled with the text 'access denied'.
They freak out completely! Very funny scene to watch, actually. If they
were not strapped to the chair, they might kill themselves. I love it!"
"Right..."
"We also have got twenty other treatments, like 'learn to love the
leaders', 'computers are bad bad bad', 'talk to females, take them home and
actually DO that kinds of stuff you find in the naughty.girls.without.
clothes.pics section', 'call from a pay-phone and actually PAY for the
call with real money' and so on... But all of that would take too much
time to go through! So let me show you one of our healthy patients, who
is soon going to be released from here! You may interview him! Follow me!"
<CLONK>
"Mr Larry, do you own a gun?"
"No, I do not... why do you ask?"
"Take mine. If the patient suddenly starts to talk about how much he
loves modems and computers, shoot him in the head."
<CLONK>
"Hello, my name is Larry from LARRY LIVE. Please tell our viewers who
you are, why you are here and your future."
"My name is Dane. I used to call myself Phraudmaster when I was sick.
My hobby was to penetrate computer systems and fool phone companies all
over the world. I have been here for ten years now and realized that what
I did was terribly wrong. I owe a lot to Mr Tarantino. I love him,
actually."
"I am glad to hear that you feel good. What have you learned in this
House of the Criminally INSANE?"
"Mostly, how BAD it is to hack. Hacking to the ultimate crime. The
government, our leaders, cannot get people like me that easy. When you are
a hacker, you learn to hide. You learn how safe it is to be a criminal. I
mean, if you murder someone, there are certain tracks the police can
follow. But with hacking, it is different. That is why we must be healed!
Long live Mr Tarantino! Long live the government! Long live the phone
companies! God bless the unbreakable passwords!"
"Have you learned anything else?"
"Well... I have also learned that in the REAL WORLD, no problems are
solved with computers. In the real world, computers are nothing more than
tools. Problems are not solved by these tools."
"So, how do you solve problems nowadays?"
"Like this."
SMACK!
<CLONK>
"Gosh! Did you see that! A crazed youth struck Larry right over the
face on television! Check it out! Blood is all over the floor! All this,
on LARRY LIVE! I can hardly believe it! Check it out!"
"Oh dear. Poor Larry! What was it all about, anyway?"
"No idea... some nut house, I think. Turn over to channel X. I do not
want to watch this any more."
<CLICK>
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Why must some people just keep on talking about their
girl friends? WHY? WHY? CALL SEDES DIABOLI +46-586-SHUTUP
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I have not got the book with me.
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uXu #132 Underground eXperts United 1993 uXu #132
Call RIPCO ][ -> +1-312-528-5020
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