💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › UXU › uxu-103.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 15:02:18.
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Vampires Anno 90's ] [ By The GNN ]
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"VAMPIRES ANNO 90'S"
by THE GNN/DualCrew/uXu
Dr Mengele: (confused)
Spectators: (confused)
The woman: (confused) Call a doctor!
Dr Mengele: (angry) I am a doctor, you idiot!
(The boys from Brazil)
We did everything we could to prevent Dracula from entering England. At
first - when I told the news to the public - they thought I was yet another
crazed madman. Dracula! - Today? Listen fellow, people said, Dracula is
fiction. He does not exist - and if he did, he is dead as a doornail!
But when I put all my cards on the table, it changed. I had proof enough
to convince a skeleton, and the people of London are not stupid. They
listen to facts. I had facts. They listened to me.
It all began when August Balle from the museum of horror came to my
office, pale as a blank paper. He explained to me that the major of
Transylvania had called him up and said that Dracula had pulled the pole
that was stuck in his chest away, and escaped from his castle. The major
blamed the tourists who daily visited the castle. He claimed that they had
destroyed the protection by scraping off pieces of the pole as souvenirs
when the guards looked away. The major also wanted August to examine if
anyone knew who "Killroy" was, since he had put his name all over the pole
with a pen, and we all know that pens contain toxic fluids that destroys
wood. I wondered why the major had called August Balle instead of Scotland
Yard (i.e me, since I was a chief inspector at the yard) but it seemed like
the major was not so well informed. He had found August in the yellow
pages under "horror".
So, now it was my problem. The public laughed at me, but when they saw
pictures of Draculas' empty coffin together with some really messy pictures
of his latest victims around the world they changed their minds and
listened to me. Dracula was obviously very angry that he had failed to
crush London the last time, and now he wanted revenge. We managed to trace
him to the United States, but there he was gone. Bodies showed up
everywhere, but not Dracula. He probably travelled in his dark coffin, and
even though we ordered all police departments to look for it, no one ever
saw it. Damn, we thought at the Yard, maybe Mr Dracula has gone modern and
skipped the coffin. Maybe he drives a limousine with dark windows? We
decided to leave the United States to its doom. We had to think about our
own country first. Dracula was not interested in obliterating America, he
wanted England, London. It was here that all available forces must be put.
We could stop him. This was a threat to the human race, and the case got
highest privilege at once. After I took command over the force, I
immediately put all other crimes away. Dracula would have to travel all
over the Atlantic to get to us. It was a long way, and he had to use some
kind of coffin to survive. I ordered all custom personnel over England to
examine all boxes that could fit a human. Drugs, weapons and shit almost
choked us during the time, but Dracula had to be stopped. All airports and
seaports were full of scared policemen, armed with crosses and large
sticks. Customs personnel had to open thousands of boxes every day, since
it was not certain that Dracula could be seen in X-ray.
At the time, I had grown to a national hero. I appeared on television
almost every day to calm the people down. I promised that no Dracula would
ever enter the Queens country, we would get him no matter what the cost! A
fool even dared to ask "So if he tries to swim? Or fly? He can transform
into a bat you know! How will you stop him then?". "Listen carefully", I
said, "Dracula still cannot stand sunlight. He must avoid it, and since it
takes a very long time to travel to England from the United States, he must
travel well protected. If he tries to leave the United States for another
country he will be stopped - all customs over the Earth are prepared! He
will not even try, since it is a great risk for him to travel through too
many countries, now that we are getting closer to him for every human he
kills! He is coming, and we will get him!" I looked right into the camera;
"Once again!"
A few days later I got a call from the New York PD. They informed me
that Dracula was in town with no chances to escape. All roads were guarded
and helicopters with attached cameras had surrounded the city.
- He's getting weaker, the police man said. He know that he's trapped.
The citizens are well prepared, no one leaves their homes at night and if a
bat is seen - hell breaks loose. People are shooting at everything that's
flying. We have crosses, sticks and holy water enough to fuck him up five
million times! Don't worry, he will never get out of this city.
Still, I felt that you could not trust the yankees, so I decided to
continue guard the ways into the country until we were sure that Dracula
was securely nailed to a pole. The same evening, I spoke to the nation for
the last time on the six o'clock news. I said that everything soon would
be over.
What a mistake. The next day, I opened the morning paper and almost fell
off the chair when I discovered that three people had died in central
London during the night. Their bodies had been mutilated, emptied on every
single drop of blood and a witness had seen the murderer turn into a bat
and flown away after the brutal kill. He was here. The nightmare could
begin. Thanks to my false promises that Dracula could not even pass the
border, no one was prepared. No crosses had been manufactured or sold. No
holy water was available. No garlic. Nothing.
Oh dear, in less than a week, almost the whole London was deserted. Half
of the population had escaped and the rest were living dead, prowling
around at night and searching for prey. Myself, I decided to stay. I felt
guilty, I had to seek the answers. It took more than a month before he
found me. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw him stand by my
bed, looking at me. His eyes were red and he had entered through the
window, really classic.
He spoke with a dark voice.
- Well, well, well! Chief inspector himself! The man who tried to stop
me! Me! Why did you even bother, no one can stop me from getting what I
want. I wanted London. I got London. I wanted you. Now I have you. Any
last words?
- Yeah, I began, you must answer this question - otherwise I can't rest i
peace! How on earth did you get to England without being discovered?
I wanted the answer so bad. I would gladly spend the rest of my days
flying around drinking blood, if he just answered.
- You see, he said. I hate the sun, everybody know that. If I went by
boat, I had to use my coffin and that would be impossible to do with your
heavily guarded harbours. A coffin on a charter flight would not work
either. Desperately, I even tried to bribe a dude who was i charge of the
"anti-Dracula" campaign in the U.S but he preferred to live instead of
money. He was wrong, but that wouldn't help me. I almost lost the battle
in New York, you know, they really tried to get me! Then, I realized that
I had been gone for a while. Things had changed in the world. People
doesn't travel around on horses and wagons any more! So, I simply studied
the new ways of travel, and hey!
Dracula laughed loud and cruel.
- I discovered Concorde! And the possibility to travel in less than
three hours over the globe. So, I simply sold my coffin and bought a
ticket to England! I left New York when it was night and when I we landed
in London it was still night... I just loved it, going faster than the
sun, that was on the other side of the globe during the flight!
Dracula finished talking. He laughed once more, this time even more loud
and cruel, before he finished what he had come for.
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