💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › UXU › uxu-064.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 15:01:00.
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Castle Chronicles Chapter Four ] [ By The Chief ]
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THE FEIGNED NON-POISONOUS GENTLEMANLIKE HERESY GAME SHOW
CHAPTER FOUR
At this time, he noticed the weird alien following him through
the maze. Trillian told him not to worry. 'It's just one of those
nice and friendly ones' she said. Zaphod seemed to take the whole
trip to Bezelbub Interstellar Junction lightly as he continued to
sleep, snoring heavily. Ford held his towel a bit tighter as he
slipped down a three-inch Babelfish down his throat for lunch.
-*-
What? This ISN'T 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Part IV' ?
Oh, sorry about that. I'll make it up to you by writing yet
another inspiring full-framed vicious chapter right here.
Megan woke up, quite dizzy. She thought it had to do with the
night before, but it didn't. Spingleman had slipped her one of
his new inventions; The 'Get Drunk, and Stay Drunk the morning
after' (GDSD) pill, but she didn't know anything about it. 'Water
..water' she managed to whisper, and Spingleman made a sign to a
man standing in the far corner of the room. He went out of the
room.
-*-
WHAT?! What are you complaining about?.. Say that again? It isn't
'The BIG System 3' either? Then WHAT IS IT?! 'Castle Chronicles'?
Right! I'm a bit out of touch today y'see.. Hit it!
"Ouch!"
Castle woke up. Instantly feeling he didn't like it. A big table
covered his body and when he lifted the sink that had smashed his
head into pieces he noticed the small dog chewing on his left
shoe (which was, amazingly enough, still there). 'Boy, are they
serious with this gang war stuff or what?' he thought as he tried
to move his thumb. It hurt.
The Mercedes just stood there. Burning. A couple of police-cars
drove by in a frenzy and the air was filled with.. with.. Hmm,
Castle couldn't make out what it was. He had smelled it before,
but couldn't quite place it. Was it the Semi-Half Naked Woman? No,
she had that excellent 'take me' scent. It couldn't be Steinberg
or Brown because they weren't there. Weren't there?
"Hey! Hello! Miss?" Castle tried to reach the Semi-Half Naked
Woman, but failed instantly trying to move his little finger.
"Well, if it isn't Mr Rock-N-Roll De-Tec-Tive." Someone said to
the left.
"No, it isn't stupid" Another voice said to the right. "It's just
that dumb Steve Castle. Mr No-Bra-In De-Tec-Tive. Heheheheheh.."
That was enough! Castle could take much, but abuse? NO WAY!
With a crumble he was on his feet. Facing two amazingly large..
gentlemen on motorcycles. He KNEW he wasn't in a position to
complain or make them take back what they'd said when one of them
reached inside his overcoat and pulled out..
"Wanna take part in a most excellent game show, dude?" One of them
said offering Castle the envelope he had pulled out of his pocket.
"It isn't STUDS or anything, but it sure is fun."
Castle hesitated. Then he reached for the envelope and opened it.
'SHNW & D Gameshows Inc. invites you to join a most excellent
show where you'll be able to win PRICES! Yes, we offer you a
Complete TV-Set, bedroom furniture, aaand a trip to wonderful
Siberia, tell him more about it Jim! Ok, Mike. We'll fly you to
to the most luxurious place on earth with BLAH Air. You'll spend
a weekend ...'
He skipped that section and found a small note at the end of the
paper that said: 'Rules: Participants must be detectives or Semi-
Half Naked Women'. Hmm.. how strange, he thought, but that didn't
matter. He'd never participated in a game show, and this was his
chance to get some of those nifty bathroom carpets.
"Okay I'll do it." he said, and the two large men looked at each-
other and smiled.
"But I have to bring my..friend here.." he continued bending over
to reach the Semi-Half Naked Woman.
"Sure, that's exactly what we want you to, too." the gentleman to
the right said. "Just hop up here, and we'll take both of you
to the studio right away."
As they drove away, someone lurking beneath the street whispered..
"Hello Hellooo.. he's going to pay! With his balls!" He Turned
and headed straight for the tunnel that lead to the SHNW & D
Studios up Johnson Avenue. "He will pay dearly.."
-*-
Mike Whitesmile, the game show host found himself doing what he
enjoyed most. Hosting a game show.
"Rrrright, ladies and gentlemen. We're back, and what's that? Yes,
we have two new contestants for you. One found beneath a large
table on Johnson Avenue and the other just next to him. Please
let's go and meet these two, come on.." <clap clap clap..>
"You're the detective, right?" Mike said to the Semi-Half Naked
Woman. "Hahah, sorry that was a joke."
<pre-recorded public: aaaah>
"No, seriously, let me guess here.. you must be the Semi-Half
Naked (and veeerrry sexy too) Woman if I'm not completely from
another planet!
<public: ha ha ha, clap clap, whistle whistle whistle>
Ok Ok... fankyou fankyou, that's enough jokes for now! Then this
one here.." he said pointing at Castle, "must be the De-Tec-Tive.
Would you like to say something about yourselves? Castle?"
"No FANKS", Castle answered him with a smirk on his face.
"Well, if it isn't a humorous de-tec-tive.." Mike said to the non-
existent studio public. <public: hah hah hah, clap clap>. "How
about you then?", he asked the Semi-Half Naked Woman.
"Like Ok. When I was about three years old, right, my mom took
me to this place, y'know, called, ok, like, the Supermarket, and
like, wow, they had so many, like different chewing-gums, y'know,
and right by the chewing-gum shelf, thirteen years later, I met,
like, a big hunk who grabbed my, as you can see, big breasts and
just took me from behind before we, y'see, went to this shoe
store, and.."
"Heheh.. well, I hear YOU have a lot to talk about," Mike said
to the public. <public: ha hah haaaa> "But let's go on with the
show! Right after these messages.. Staaaay Rrrright There!"
<Now, Your clothes can be THIS clean too...>
<New NKOTB Watch, Cup, T-Shirt, Bathroom-spray, Instant coffee,
sweat-spray, pen-holder, non-slippable-banana-peel, genuine
metal copies of their teeth. All-In-One available now...> etc.
Castle looked at the Semi-Half Naked Woman.
Mike looked at himself in the mirror.
"Did you say 'Shoe Store'??" Castle asked her.
"Why, sure. Like, I think so anyway.."
"DO YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST...."
"AAaaand, We're Back!" <public: clap clap clap, whistle>. "I'm
Mike (like you didn't know that! Hah hah)" <public: Who's Mike?>
"and, we're here with our two new contestants. They are going to
meet our last week's champions... Frank Fontana and Isabella
Rosselini!"
<public: clap clap clap clap cla..>
"Fooled ya! hah hah hah" <public: aaahh> "No, seriously folks, we
have here, the piece of meat, the king stud of studs, the word-
mongler of crosswords, the king-o of lingo, the crackpot of
jackpot.. and the hunk that made it with this Semi-Half Naked
Woman at the Chewing-gum shelf seven years ago..."
<drumroll>
"Yes, None other than The.... Mysterious man who disappeared in
the SHOE STORE!!"
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Watch out for the next chapter of the Castle Chronicles!
It gets closer to the amazing end!
ONLY from The Underground eXperts United!
(!) 1992 THE CHIEF & uXu Productions
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