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The Unplastic News #7 Dec.92 NUDE HEAD ISSUE
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oo ....... the unplastic news ........ oo
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oo T H E N U D E H E A D I S S U E !!! oo
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Bald is Beautiful
...and hairy ain't so bad neither.
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I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
Yul Brynner, 1956
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| the unplastic news is available
CONTENTS: | at the following ftp news stands:
^^^^^^^^^ |
Thoughts | redspread.css.itd.umich.edu
Material from | ftp.eff.org
B. Hathrume Duk | quartz.rutgers.edu
thrilling bald stuff |
Quotes |
Things odd | or by subscription by sending e-mail to:
hairless poetry |
More quotes | tibbetts@hsi.hsi.com
Viewer Submissions |
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The Unplastic News is a magazine. We publish electronically.
Our viewers live all around the Earth. Send us on to someone
who likes to read short odd pieces aranged in absolutely no
order whatsoever. We hope this makes you giggle or think.
The theme of this issue is Bald People because we have bald
friends who demand their human rights. Hail the bald...
Can anyone verify the fact that Queen Elizabeth was bald? I
was told this by a friendly witch but can not find evidence.
Send Comments About The Queen's Hairiness
And Other Mail To:
tibbetts@saturn.hsi.com
we love submissions
Thaloneous Platypus, R.N., PhD, BBQ
Rockport Maine, Dec. 1992
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420 B.C.
Hippocrates, the father of modern medicine, attempted to
fend off his hair loss by creating topical potions made
of opium, horse radish, pigeon droppings, beet root and
various spices.
info pamphlet from
Upjohn (makers of Minoxidil)
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How you lose or keep your hair depends on how wisely you choose
your parents.
Edward R. Nida
USFDA
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long
lost interest in hair restorers.
Austin O'Malley
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...and Remember...
The Baldheaded Men of America
m e e t
every year
in Morehead City, NC
Call them at: (919) 726-1004
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I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair.
Tom Sharp
standup comedian
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"In Omaha, Nebraska it is against the law for a
barber to shave a man's chest."
Loony Laws... That You Never Knew You Were Breaking
by Robert Wayne Pelton
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...and now, from the Faux-Bald:
,
Sinead O'Connor called [Mike] Tyson "only a little tiny baby"
and further opined that the victim was "a bitch. I don't care
if he raped her...She's used him. She's a disgrace to women."
SPY Top 100
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
BALDNESS & RELIGION
by:
B. Hathrume Duk
Apparently in biblical times, removing one's hair or having one's hair
forcibly removed served a number of purposes. For example, as a means of
expressing remorse during mourning:
"Both the great and the small shall die in this land: they shall not
be buried, neither shall men lament for them, nor cut themselves,
nor make themselves bald for them."
JER 16:6
Some sources also list it as a potential form of punishment:
"Son of man, Nebuchadrezzar king of Babylon caused his army to serve
a great service against Tyrus: every head was made bald, and every
shoulder was peeled: yet had he no wages, nor his army, for Tyrus,
for the service that he had served against it."
EZE 29:18
Overall, the official church view seemed to be accepting of baldness:
"And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald;
yet is he clean."
LEV 13:40
In fact, the bible goes so far as to warn potential teasers of the bald:
"And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by
the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and
mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up,
thou bald head."
KI2 2:23
"And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name
of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and
tare forty and two children of them."
KI2 2:24
The Mormon church seems to be the first church with its
own church-guaranteed anti-balding protection system. Apparently,
the citizens of Utah are scarcely a balding bunch:
Alma 11:44
Now, this restoration shall come to all, both old and young,
both bond and free, both male and female, both the wicked and the
righteous; and even there shall not so much as a hair of their
heads be lost; but every thing shall be restored to its perfect
frame, as it is now...
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1800 A.D.
Englishmen tried to jolt their hair follicles into action
by brushing cold Indian tea and then fresh lemon on their
scalp. Less gentrified folk tried to fertilize their scalps
with fresh chicken droppings.
info pamphlet from
Upjohn (makers of Minoxidil)
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Everyone wants to understand art. Why not try to understand the song of a
bird? Why does one love the night, flowers, everything around one, without
trying to understand them? But in the case of a painting people have to
understand....People who try to explain pictures are usually barking up the
wrong tree.
Pablo Picasso
(bald person)
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Question:
What are the desirable qualifications for any young man
who wishes to become a politician?
Sir Winston Churchill's Answer:
It is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow,
next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability
afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
Churchill on the NAVY
"Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing
but rum, sodomy and the lash."
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A bald guy I know down in Maine
tells me: "Sleet storms cause me severe pain.
I'd grow hair if I could,
but a good Gortex hood
is cheaper by far than Rogaine.
--> dad
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WASHINGTON (AP) -- The "green revolution" to feed hungry mouths in the
developing world has a promising new star, scientists said Monday: the hairy
potato.
Unlike most potatoes that are highly susceptible to pests, said scientist
K.V. Raman, the hirsute spud fights them off.
The shaggy tuber is developed from a wild potato with thin hairs. These
hairs on the plant's stalks and leaves secrete a sticky substance that traps
and kills small insects as they feed or reproduce.
The plant combats a larger common pest, the Colorado beetle, in a different
way. The insect eats the leaves and gets a serious case of constipation from
the sticky secretion. The bug's stomach bloats, crushing its ovaries and
curtailing its reproduction.
While the tufted tater will reduce such environmental and financial costs,
it still tastes like a normal potato, said Prof. Robert Plaisted of Cornell
University, which has been developing hybrids under contract to the potato
center for 15 years. The new spud species also has the same nutrition value as
currently cultivated potatoes, and similar yields and growing characteristics,
he said.
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I saw a T-shirt a few weeks ago:
"It's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for a sex machine."
Steve
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"Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances."
Studio official's comment
on Fred Astaire
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"The Falklands thing, the Falklands War of 1982, was a
fight between two bald men over a comb."
Jorge Luis Borges
In Time 14 Feb. 1983
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HAIR
John Michael Kohler Arts Center, Sheboygan, WI USA
An exhibition that examines the social meanings of
hair in our society today
Contact: John Micheal Kohler Arts Center, 608 New York Avenue
Sheboygan, WI 53082-0489 USA
tel: 414-458-6144
IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIi
"I think that people want peace so much that one of these
days governments had better get out of the way and let
them have it."
Dwight D. Eisenhower
(bald offical)
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Glenn Ruahcer's 18 Famous Bald People
1) Richard "Baldy" Ewell -- Confederate General, Commander of
Stonewall Jackson's Division after Jackson's death at
Chancelorville.
2) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar -- Milwaukee Bucks and Los Angeles Lakers
Center, Record Company owner.
3) Otis Sistrunk -- Oakland Raiders Defensive End in the '70's
& early '80's; one of the first football players to shave
his head.
4) James A. Garfield -- President in 1881, until assasinated.
5) Sinead O'Connor -- Provocateur, Singer, Anti-Papist.
6) Peter Garrett -- Provocatuer, Singer, Unknown views on Pope.
7) Egghead -- Batman villain as portrayed by Vincent Price,
known non-baldy.
8) Hunter S. Thompson -- Living American writer.
9) Bill Carter -- Shouter, Screaming Blue Messiahs, Baltimore resident.
10) Barry Andrews -- XTC keyboardist, Shriekback leader.
11) Roger AIles -- Republicans King of Dirty Tricks, scum-fuck.
12) Jesse "The Body" Ventura -- Professional Wrestler, Mayor of
small Minnesota town.
13) Sean Connery -- Occasionally be-wigged former Bondsman,
egotist, wife-beater.
14) Yul Brynner -- Former argument against smoking; King & I
15) Terry Bradshaw -- Formerly be-toupeed Pittsburgh Steelers
Quarterback, currnet NBC-TV Footbal commentator.
16) Telly Savalas -- Kojak.
17) Alan Rachins -- L.A. Law Lawyer.
18) Patrick Stewart -- The cool Star Trek Captain.