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ACME CHECK LISTS
Brought to you by those dumb fucks who wrote Road Runner cartoons.
ACME LIST #A-001
WHAT TO TAKE ON YOUR CAMPING TRIP:
___ Sleeping bag ___ Tampons ___ Rotten shit
___ Tent ___ Condoms ___ Fart spray
___ First Aid Kit ___ Aftershave ___ Molding meat
___ Knife and/or Gun ___ Douche ___ Decayed grandmother
___ Pillows ___ Foam ___ Tuna fish salad
___ Inflatable air matresses ___ Raw Oysters ___ Piss jar
ACME LIST #A-002
READING LIST - BOOKS YOU NEED ON THE SHELF
___ Webster's Dictionary ___ Complete Book of Witchcraft
___ Guiness Book of World Records ___ The Mythic Tarot Workbook
___ Almanac ___ 101 Ways to Avoid Reincarnation
___ Atlas ___ Earthly Purpose
___ J.R.R. Tolkien books ___ Sexual Self-Help
___ Truth About Witchcraft Today ___ The Illuminatus! Trilogy
___ The Way of the Peaceful Warrior ___ The Necronomicon
ACME LIST #B-002
BOOKS YOU DON'T NEED ON THE SHELF
___ The Bible ___ Sweet Valley High Series
___ Life is Tremendous! ___ Bobsy Twins Series
___ Encyclopedia Brown Series ___ Horoscope Books
___ Hardy Boys Series ___ Sex How-To Books
___ Nancy Drew Series ___ The Phonebook
ACME LIST #A-003
OBJECTS YOU SHOULD USE FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES
___ Strap-on Dildo ___ Chains ___ Wet Vac
___ Cat-o-nine tails ___ Whips ___ Dustbuster
___ Vibrators ___ PlastiPussy ___ Chainsaw
___ Butcher Knives ___ Dick Enlarger ___ Dill pickles
ACME LIST #B-003
OBJECTS YOU SHOULD NOT USE FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES
___ Mustard ___ Empty Douche Bottles ___ Any knife under 10" length
___ Mayonnaise ___ Mannequins ___ Gloves
___ Honey ___ Spanish Fly ___ Poison Ivy Vines
___ Crazy Glue ___ Condoms ___ Rosebush thorns
___ Shedd's Spread ___ LSD-covered vibrator ___ Domesticated farm animals
ACME LIST #A-004
CHURCH CHECKLIST
___ New International Bible ___ "I Love Jesus" lapel button
___ Large crucifix ___ Clean, starched, Fundy church clothes
___ Encounter! Magazine ___ Spit-shined shoes with crucifix buckles
___ Two Hymn books ___ A big, goofy fucking smile
ACME LIST #B-004
ALTERNATE CHURCH CHECKLIST
___ Blue jeans ___ Satanic Bible ___ Pentagram etched in black marble
___ Concert T-shirt ___ Necronomicon ___ The Complete Book of Witchcraft
___ Spiked hair ___ Bad Attitude ___ Pentagram necklace
___ Army boots ___ "High Times" ___ Boom box playing Gwydion Penderwenn
ACME LIST #A-005
PARENTAL TORTURE CHECKLIST
___ Exorcism equipment ___ 20" Dildo ___ Needle and Thread
___ Chainsaw (dull blade) ___ Wet Vac ___ Danzig's "Lucifuge" (the best)
___ Stretcher ___ Nitric Acid ___ New Kid's "Hangin Tough" Tape
___ Nail bed ___ Merthyalade ___ Fried dog testicles and a fork
ACME LIST #A-006
THINGS TO SAY IN CHURCH THAT ARE TRUE
___ "Jesus and Satan were the same damned person!"
___ "Witchcraft is NOT what the Bible depicts it to be."
___ "UFO's closely parallel and explain events in Revelations."
___ "The consciousness that was Christ's will reimbody soon."
___ "Marijuana will be legalized before 2006."
___ "Hemp is a miracle plant that will save the earth."
___ "Abortions should definitely be legal."
___ "Early Christians accepted reincarnation removed it from the Bible."
ACME LIST #A-007
THINGS TO DO TO FUNDAMENTALISTS
___ Call them hypocrites
___ Burn the American Flag
___ Sacrifice a dog in the bapistry
___ Say "Jesus Saves! But Stilorski gets the rebound! He shoots...he SCORES!!"
___ Proclaim that you are the AntiChrist
___ Give them pentagram necklaces for Christmas
___ Ask them if they've been saved by "ol' dead jew"
___ Give them $100 and tell them that's some money you got from selling your
soul to Satan during the morning's church service
___ Give them $100 and tell them that's some money you stole from the
offering plate that was passed your way
[fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq][fuhq]
(c)July & September 1990. TS / Gross Genitalia. #89.
If you or someone you love wants to become a Toxin, call Centre of Eternity.