💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › THO › tho017.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 14:42:58.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
TTTTTTTT H H OOOO # # 1 77777
T TT T H H OO OO ##### 11 7 7
TT HHHHH O O # # 1 7
TT H H OO OO ##### 1 7
TTTT. H H. OOOO. # # 11111 7
the Index Kard Series
by MABCOSS and THANATOS
part 1
Notice:
The Index Kard story has an extremely unusual beginning. In 1994, in
Veteran's Memorial Middle School, Mr G and Mr M (also the authors of
the Chronicles of Pat, THO #10) found some old papers inside an
abandoned desk. On these papers were a certain five-year-old's
"CCD" homework things. The child's name was Eric.
Well, while Mr G and I were making fun of these papers, as we do of
everything, it came to our attention that one of the child's
signatures seemed.. extraordinary. Upon closer inspection, it looked
like the signature was forged. The "contract," if you will, was as
follows:
I, ____________, love the Lord God and love my Christian
Disciple Church of Jesus. I promise never to obey Satan...
...Or something like that. The point is that it seemed like someone
was forcing young Eric into signing the contract.
On another paper, there was a picture of a man with some type of
aura about him, holding a box of index kards out to a young boy. And
on yet another paper, there were images of destruction and glory.
This we incorporated into our stories as the Index Kard Series. It
seemed to us that God no longer used stone tablets and burning bushes
to communicate with us weak Earthlings. He now uses index kards, ball
point Bic pens, and wreaks havoc among our fellow cities and nations.
Please continue to read these (strange) short stories of the Lord's
hatred for his most monstrous creation ever: Mankind.
P.S. Some of these short stories may be considered ..non-pertaining
to index kards. They actually were part of the GodSeries we
created.. but for the sake of similarity between the two
series, and for you 2400 downloaders out there, I combined
them. ...Oh, yeah! And.. Don't read this if you are VERY
religiously involved!! I mean it! I hereby disclaim myself
from your anger, or madness, or whatever you want to call
it. :)
Section I:
The Real Ten Commandments
These are the true commandments that God attempted to thrust upon
Moses. In actuality, Satan intercepted the pass, and changed them
into what many people now live by. We give you: The REAL Ten
Commandments!
1. Thou shalt treat index kards with respect.
2. Thou shall not tell the truth.
3. Thou shall kill.
4. Thou shall steal.
5. Thou shalt humiliate the one cursed by me, named Patrick.
6. Thou shall steal from Patrick.
7. Thou shalt worship index kards.
8. Thou shalt not kill Pat, but torture him instead.
9. Thou shalt not worship shallack.
10. Thou shalt give all thy money to all Jehovas Witness Programs.
Section II:
Introduction to the Index Kard Series
John had an index kard and threw it out. He died early the next
morning. This and many other occurences are some of the....
Unsolved Acts of God!
Section III:
Mrs. Maria Jones
A middle-aged woman named Mrs. Maria Jones was sitting on her
porch one morning when she saw an index kard on the table. She
wrote on it without giving credit to Jehovas Witness Incorporated.
The next day, she went bald, grew four heads, and drowned herself
in the toilet. Was this an act of God, or simply a very strange
woman? We interviewed her neighbors. Mr. Mackinley gave us this
insight: "She was a good person. ...Never hurt an index kard in
her life." Mrs. Robinson, her next-door neighbor, said, "I
suspected it all along -- she was Elvis."
Section IV:
Johnathan Kreako
On March 29?, 1984, Johnathan Kreako swore to God that he could
get into the Guinness Book of World Records by standing up on a
three hundred-foot pole on one foot with 43 books on his head,
and not fall. He fell. The fall wouldn't have killed him, normally,
since there was four-mile-thick padding in place of soil and tar
below him. But as soon as he neared the ground, spikes rose up
and he was apparently butchered to death.
Section V:
Mr. Edrichson
Last Tuesday, Mr. Edrichson stopped a burglar from stealing over
12,000 index kards from the Swiss Index Kard Reserve (SIKR). He
found a single stray index kard after his fight with the burglar
and kept it for himself. On the ride home, he was hit by a comet and
spontaneously combusted.
Section VI:
Death of the Pope
Choir > "The Lord is God, the Lord is one!"
God > "But you're not one anymore!" shouted God as he broke through
the window of the new church built on Van Zile Road. "Jonah!
You and your whale take care of them while I take on the big
guy."
Pope > "God, you came! My prayers are answered!"
God > "Just because you're the Pope, you think that you can do things
in the name of God!"
Pope > "God, I'm sorry! Please - no; don't --"
God > GuLP.
Section VII:
Lillian's Freakin Orange, PaRT 1 of 2
One day, Lillian had an orange. She tried to peel it, but it felt
like rubber. She tried knives, forks, razors, and electric drills.
Finally, she sat back and prayed to the Almighty Lord for the
orange to open. And, lo and behold, wonder of wonders, it did!
But.........
Section VIII:
Lillian's Freakin Orange, PaRT 2 of 2
The light shone down on the land of Oz. A miracle had occured! It
was felt everywhere... Something religious had happened. Thad went
over to Lillian's house to investigate - who knows why; he must
have read the story already. When he got there, Lillian was nowhere
to be found.. All that could be seen was an orange statue that
slightly resembled her. Hm.
Intermission: [[ Note that I am not yet dead. I repeat: No lightning [[
]] bolt has flown out of the sky and killed me as yet! ]]
[[ Although my dog is foaming at the mouth..... and my [[
]] gerbils are puking up huge green chunks of shit.... ]]
Section IX:
Pirates & Gold
One day, Jason was playing Pirates & Gold with his friend Johnny.
They were in the middle of searching for buried treasure, and
Johnny was on the other side of their backyard, when Jason found
an index kard. Since he had read this story already - and knew
how it ended - he gave the kard to Johnny. Johnny loved the gift
very much, and played with it daily. All of a sudden, the kard
grew a penis, and began butt-fucking Johnny. Johnny got AIDS, and
died a gruesome death.
Section X:
Father Jesipeke Montoya
On Wednesday, April 99th, Father Jesipeke Montoya was giving out
index kards to the poor. Little did he know that one of the poor
people was really Farmer Jones in disguise trying to get a free
index kard. That night, according to Father Montoya, God came to
him and told him to eat Farmer Jones for stealing an index kard.
The next day, Farmer Jones was eaten with refried rice. When
Father Montoya was arrested, he told the cops his story.. and
they let him go. To this day, this is the third cannibal case
in which a priest claimed that God told him to eat someone.
Section XI:
Blasphemy Reigns Again
Jim > "God damn it!" shouted Jim. "Another hamster died when I flushed
it down the toilet! This means that my Patent-Pending HAMSTER
SCUBA DIVING GEAR doesn't work!"
God > "Blasphemer!" came a voice from the heavens. Suddenly, down came
the holy ghost wielding a chainsaw!
Narr. > "Later that day, after Jim was limbless, the holy ghost called
to God."
Ghost > "The Infidel is ready, Dog! I mean.. God!"
Narr. > "God floated down and cut Jim 463 times with a piece of white
lined paper.. then ate him and flew back up to heaven."
God > "My followers.. The war has begun! All Blasphemers, and I
guess even some non-Blasphemers, shall DiE! PERiSH! CEaSE
To EXiST! CATCH MY DRIFT?!"
Section XII:
Sales Pitch for the RGS (RGS stands for Real GOD Series.)
Once upon a time, there was a thing called "clear skies." But then,
smog was invented. It was God's way of.. well, just killing everyone
he possibly could.
-- DoN'T FoRGET To FiND THe NeW GoD SERiES SoMEWHERE iN YoUR NeAREST THo --
-- DeALER'S SToCK! --
___________________________________________________________________________
/___________________________________________________________________________\
\___________________________________________________________________________/
So You WaNT To Be a WRiTeR FoR THo? THeN CaLL uP THe aSYLuM aT 9o8-914-9318
aND HaVe THe NuP ReaDY, 'I LOVE FEDS'. e-MaiL PiP THe aNGRY YouTH. iF THaT
iS LD FoR YoU, e-MaiL PiP aT THe GoDNeT aDDReSS oF 143/143:1. THaT iS aLL.
___________________________________________________________________________
/___________________________________________________________________________\
\___________________________________________________________________________/