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- ****************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************
- **********PARTS ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN TO ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN**********
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Toxic Custard: The Next Generation
///////// ////// /// /// //////// /// /// /// Toxic Custard Workshop Files
/// /// /// /// /// /// /// /// Number 111- 31st August 1992
/// /// /// /// /// /////// /// /// /// by Daniel Bowen_______
/// /// /// /// /// /// /// /// ///_______________________
/// ////// /////////// /// /// /// ///_______________________________
Due to the current economic climate, it has become necessary for Toxic A
Custard Megaproductions Ltd to perform an overview of its performance.
To remain profitable, all facets of TCWF operations will need to be g
rationalised. We must emphasise that this will in no way affect the r
humorous service provided to the general reading public. Careful e
examination has revealed that the signature file plays a largely a
useless role, and that the plug for back-issues could be revamped to t
make it leaner, to not use up so many lines. In fact, a trial period of
a merged plug and signature will take place for the next two weeks. The m
weekly TCWF heading could be economised, with a line saving of at least a
40%, and the blank lines between items will need to be looked at very n
carefully to see if they are of benefit.
o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
c
GULF NEWS e
Following the Allied plan to impose a new restriction on Iraqi
air-force operations, Iraqi aircraft are now limited to flying between s
the 32nd and 36th parallels, leaving them only four degrees to fly in. a
This is to stop them giving the Kurds and Shi-ites the third degree. i
An even newer draft plan, drafted and planned by Generals d
Eagleburger and Fries at the Pentagon, would further limit Iraqi air ,
operations. The generals conceived this completely brilliant plan
whilst standing at the newly opened Pentagon urinal, the Pentagonal. "
Under the plan, in addition to having to stay south of the 36th L
parallel, and north of the 32nd parallel, the Iraqi scumsucking fly-die i
bastards would also have to fly only between the 44th and 45th (east) f
parallels on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and between the 43rd and e
44th (east) parallels on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends. Also, south
of the 33rd parallel would be out of bounds on all days with Rs in i
them. Only pilots with beards may fly on Wednesdays and Fridays. And s
all planes must be painted with big targets on each side, and have
"Shoot me!" stickers on the back. a
"This", says General Eagleburger, "will annoy the shit outta that
God'damned Saddam no end, which after all is the major objective. We b
want to make him real angry, so he's off his guard on the toilet and u
then our lavatorial explosives experts can... oh, err, I'm not meant to n
talk about that." c
General Fries would only add that he thought that whoever named the h
capital of Kuwait as Kuwait City could have been more original.
o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f
THE DENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE CASE OF THE SPOCKLED BOND Part Three t
h
Popsicle, having almost recovered in hospital from the last i
episode, was back on the streets, which was good for the honest n
citizens, and bad for all the nasty people out there. g
Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was also out on the streets, which s
was pretty bad for everyone. He was pretty angry, but then, he almost
always was. He was just an angry sort of person. He had been known to t
strangle automatic teller machines when they had told him he couldn't h
withdraw an amount such as $47.32. It's pretty hard to strangle an ATM, a
but the Inspector had been *that* angry, that he'd managed it. But t
today he was angrier. Not at quite his angriest, but nevertheless quite
angry. Angry enough, in fact, that you wouldn't want to so much as l
consider thinking about looking in his direction. Not that that was a e
problem for the average citizen walking along the street, who, though a
they were as honest as Mother Teresa, would still avert their eyes d
whenever a police car drove past. Anyway, the Inspector was quite
especially angry today because... umm... Oh well, he didn't need a t
reason. He was just angry, that's all. That's about all I wanted to get o
across in this paragraph, so we'll move right along with the plot, such
that there is. o
Popsicle was determined to discover which dastardly bastard had t
been behind his predicament in the previous episode. So he and the h
Inspector went to see an old informer of his, who, he thought, would e
coincidentally be able to provide all the vital information after only r
a few threats of violence. Not only would this speed up everything, but
the author would be able to get to the good bit with the villain t
without going through the rigmarole of finding clues and forensic stuff h
and all that crap. After all, what makes a good detective story? Is it i
the careful consideration of all the tiniest clues by some smart-arse n
in a deerstalker? No, it's action. It's car chases and gun fights and g
threatening informers, isn't it. Yes, it is. s
Popsicle's informant was none other than Joe Sleazebag, a down and .
out former flared trousered backing singer with some non-entity 70's "
singer who probably still rated quite highly on the "Middle-Aged
Crimplene Brigade Easy Listening Hottest Guy Survey" listings. Joe was W
down and out, and consequently lived in a non-furnished basement h
apartment unit that didn't have a roof, or to put it another way, a a
hole. Joe was tough, in the way that a piece of putrid rotting t
lamb-cutlet that's been sitting in the bottom of the barbecue since the
last pool party four months ago is tough. He was tough, smelly, and had w
loads of insects crawling all over him. o
But that didn't stop Inspector Unnecessary-Violence grabbing Joe by r
what was left of his collars and shaking him up and down so much that d
his used condom collection fell out and scattered all over his old s
newspaper. The Inspector spoke: "Okay scum!!! Listen, prick!! Just
listen!! Don't say a word back!! Just listen! I want you to be o
absolutely quiet and still while my mate here has a word with you. I f
don't want a sound!! Not one little tiny syllable until we're gone,
okay!?" t
"Sure", Joe said, rubbing his eyes as he woke up. r
"Oh!!", added the Inspector. "That doesn't really apply to any u
information you might think of as relevant to the case we're on at the t
moment that you want to give us, okay fuckwit?!" h
"Sure", Joe repeated, glancing down to see how far off the ground
his feet were. i
"Hello, Joe", said Popsicle. "I'm wondering if you can help me." n
Popsicle briefly explained the situation, what had happened, and the d
Raymondian school of thinking on individualism, only embellishing e
slightly his own role in the proceedings to make him sound more tough e
and world-weary. d
Joe thought for several seconds before giving them a name. Not the .
name he had in his mind for Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, which
involved illegal sexual practices with small animals and scuba-gear.
But the name of the villain of the piece. A man so ruthless, so evil
and generally naughty, that his identity would have to wait until the
next episode to be revealed. Bummer, eh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,\ That was another Toxic Custard. If you'd like
Melbourne, Australia------------/ to get back-issues, and let's face it, only
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----\ a monolothic sludgeball masochist would,
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ reply to this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
_______________________________________________________________________________
Toxic Contaminated Waste Fumes
TOXIC CONTAMINATED WASTE FUMES NUMBER 112 7TH SEPTEMBER 1992
============================== ========== ==================
It's all very well those environmentally friendly products having G
pictures of dolphins on the labels, isn't it, but what about organising r
some sort of thing for the environmentally UNfriendly stuff? Like a e
picture of a barbed-wire fishing net with grenades attached, and the e
caption "Warning: downright deadly to peaceloving dolphins, orphans in n
third world countries and small beavers living in South America. Our p
company is dedicated to making as much money as possible. We pride e
ourselves on our remarkable record of causing the extinction of a
fifty-three species last month. This product is guaranteed to contain a c
minimum of six toxic chemicals, four of which actively destroy the e
ozone layer."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
a
THE NATURAL LAW PARTY - MANIFESTO s
Man, the Labor and Liberal parties have got it wrong, you know. So we
at the Natural Law Party would like to get this country moving again v
with the following policies: o
* Promote good vibes and cooperation between political rivals by w
giving them all some really good weed. e
* Impose taxes on bad karma and heaviness. d
* Encourage big business to knock down their horrible buildings in
the cities and build really cool and beautiful parks and streams t
and giant statues of the Maharishi Gomesh Ramka. o
* Tax incentives for beards (and grants for underarm hair for our
feminine sisters in the community at large). s
* Promotion of animal rights, because, like, animals are just t
people who just aren't aware that they're really people yet. And o
we don't eat people, do we. We will introduce positive counselling p
for all animals to help them realise that they are people too.
Besides, right, animals are the only friends we've got. a
* Complete reform of hospitals. We will replace surgeons and nurses n
with groove healers and healthy vibe merchants. Hospitals will be y
painted lots of colourful colours, and be renamed as "Refuges
For The Untogether Healthwise". m
* A change to recreation and sport, encouraging opposing teams to o
stop hammering each other into the ground and start getting really r
mellow. To embrace the ball, the goal posts, the umpires, the e
spectators, and each other, and instead of playing matches every
weekend afternoon, to hold a four hour seminar rally commune of A
love at the sports ground. u
* Support for groovy small businesses. Like if someone wants a grant s
so they can open a penis tie-dying boutique that loses $3000 a t
day, then we'll give them the bread. r
* Our Veterans policy is one of love. We know that Veterans and those a
heavy RSL dudes don't love us, but we love them. We love them all, l
and when they decide they want to come to the party and share the i
weed, we'll welcome them with open doors, man. a
* The armed forces to be converted over three years into a band of n
travelling gypsy singers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T
o
THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE SPECKLED BAND Part Four x
i
Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence had now got the name of c
the villain they were after, who it just so turned out was an infamous
dealer of drugs, guns, "Puff The Magic Dragon" videos and other C
outlawed articles. His name was Reginald Completebastardprick, and he u
was known well to the agents of the Australian Royal Security s
Establishment as a cunning lying scumbag worm-like deposit of pus, and t
just the type of person they would have recruited if they could've a
caught him. r
Popsicle, of course, would bring him in. Or at least, he would try. d
Because Popsicle was brave, ruthless, and well-known for bending the s
rules slightly in that way that so many brave and ruthless detective-
type characters are these days. Popsicle vowed, and bet with his f
colleagues, that he would be able to bring in Completebastardprick r
before the end of the seventh episode of the story. That's how o
confident he was. Mind you, Popsicle was always a pretty confident m
bloke. He was so confident that if he thought he'd left the house
without locking the door, he wouldn't go back to check because he was r
confident enough to believe that no burglar would even dare to break e
into his house. He was so confident of this because his house had a a
triple-layer of electrified barbed wire, ten vicious guard dogs who c
been on a diet of green beans for two weeks and a security system that h
when triggered blasted Barry Manilow's greatest hits around the i
neighbourhood at 120 decibels. n
Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, on the other hand, was angry. But g
we went into all that in the last episode, so we'll dispense with the
needless character building and get on with the story. F
Having obtained the information that Reginald Completebastardprick r
was behind the vicious and nasty and horrific crime of whatever it was a
had happened in the first episodes, Popsicle and the Inspector got down n
to the Files room pronto to see if they could get any further c
information on R.C. e
The Files clerk, Phil E. Schuffler, was a pedantic little git, and .
everyone knew it. He was the sort of person, had he been a librarian,
would have gone around personally to your house the day after your S
library book was due. He was not a librarian, but this didn't make o
things any easier for the members of A.R.S.E when they wanted ,
information. Phil's work made the Files room a model of efficiency and
tidiness, which prevented entirely any actual crime-fighting work from F
being done within. r
Nevertheless, Popsicle knew that this was where the plot was headed, e
so he went down to the Files room to get the information. Phil was n
sweeping the floor of the rather thin layer microscopic molecules of c
dust that had deposited there since the last time he had swept the h
floor, about five minutes before. He looked up with a disapproving face
at Popsicle as he walked in. Files were made to be filed, believed r
Phil. If files had meant to be taken out of their filing cabinets and e
looked at, then they wouldn't have bothered to invent filing cabinets a
to keep the files in. They would have just shoved all the files all d
over the place so they could be looked at more easily. e
With Phil looking on, despairing about the treatment of his r
precious files, and vowing that there would be a payback if any hairs, s
fingerprints or dog-ears appeared on any of them, Popsicle and the ,
Inspector pored over the veritable Pears Cyclopedia of information
before them. They found out that Reginald Completebastardprick's w
favourite colour was red, he was known to wear "L.A. Looters" caps, and a
that he had a nasty tendency towards self abuse, having been witnessed t
several times shouting names at himself into a mirror. c
Having gained this spurious information, and a shitload of more h
important information, Popsicle and the Inspector left the A.R.S.E.
building, and headed out into the world, looking for Reginald o
Completebastardprick, and the next episode. u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen !
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ Another Toxic Custard has bean and gone.
Melbourne, Australia------------\ Butt if you'd like to feast yore eyes on
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ the oldies but goldies, just reply two this,
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-\ ore send mail too tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
_______________________________________________________________________________
Read only Toxic Custard
/\ /\
\ \ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ \ \ TOXIC CUSTARD
/ \ / \ / /\ / \ / / / / /\/ / WORKSHOP FILES
/ /\/ / /\/ / / /\ / /\ \ / / / / \ / --------------
/ / / / \ / / / \ \/ / / / / /\/ / Number 113 O
/ / \ \ \ / / /\/ / / / / \ / 14th September k
\/------\/------\/--\/------\/--\/----\/ -------------- a
y
The Paralympics for the psychically handicapped are currently underway ,
in Barcelona. And after they've finished, next up is the Psycholympics,
a set of events specifically for athletes with disorders of the mind. a
Events include: l
- the paranoid marathon: the runners just keep running, because they l
think there's someone after them. They run out of the stadium, get into
a taxi to the airport and get on the first plane out of the country r
using a forged passport and a fake moustache i
- 100 metres freestyle for hydrophobics and people with water g
fixations h
- agoraphobiacs' gymnastics, held *inside* the horse t
- high-diving for barophobiacs' ,
- manic depressive sprint. Runners don't care if they win or lose,
they just want to die f
- debating competitions for hysterics a
- schizophrenia relay running (one runner per team) i
- psycho-somatic skeet shooting, where competitors imagine they have r
a gun and the target is just a figment of their imagination due to the
stress of it all. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
o
THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE SPECKLED BUM Part Five u
g
First, a quick precis. Precis. h
,
And now, on with the story. Mr Popsicle, secret agent from the
Australian Royal Security Establishment, and Inspector Unnecessary- I
Violence from the police Deadly Extreme Anger Tactical Hit Squad, are '
on the tail of notorious nasty bloke Reginald Completebastardprick, and l
are also hoping to arrest the author, who has managed to string out a l
meaningless story with no plot to five episodes (and counting).
Having obtained all the information about Completebastardprick (or b
'Prick, as he was known to his colleagues), Popsicle and the Inspector u
began to cruise the streets looking for him. Normally they would have y
cruised the streets in their super-cool speedmobile, which looked like
a fish, and drove like a fish, and spewed more pollution into the air t
than a whale spews water up through that little hole in the top. But h
the fact was that the speedmobile looked rather conspicuous for an a
undercover operation, looking, as it did, like a giant moving fish on t
wheels with genuine scales. And besides, it was broken down, so they ,
got their zone 1 2 and 3 travelcards and jumped on a 246 bus, keeping
their eyes peeled. s
Popsicle was the first to spot Completebastardprick's trademark "LA u
Looters" cap (have we done that gag to death yet?), as well as the rest r
of him, waiting on Richmond station for a Dandenong train, and he leapt e
for the cord to get the bus to stop. As soon as the back door opened, ,
the good guys tumbled out of bus and sprinted up the ramp to the
station, weaving through forty-thousand schoolkids on their way to the f
Show. They got to the top just as the train pulled out, the guard in i
the backmost doorway grinning smugly at them, enjoying their annoyance n
immensely. e
A few minutes later they jumped onto the next train going the same
way, and as they pulled into Caulfield, spotted their quarry outside at b
a tram stop. The Inspector, by now in a major rage (as opposed to his y
more usual minor rage) foolishly let slip "Stopyoudickheadwe'rethegood-
guysandyou'reunderarrestandwe'regoingtothumpyoutooforwhatyoudidmother- m
fuckersocomequietly" at a level of several hundred angry decibels. e
'Prick heard this, and jumped into the cab of the coming tram, ,
waving a conveniently handy gun in the driver's face and ordering him
to go full speed down the street, leaving behind half a dozen enraged c
passengers, four of whom decided on the spot to write to their MPs o
about it, and they would have, too, if they'd known who their MPs were. r
Popsicle and the Inspector waved their ID's and travelcards in a r
bus-driver's face and ordered him to "follow that tram!", which was e
something Popsicle had always secretly hoped he'd be able to do one c
day. Actually he'd preferred to have said "follow that cab", but you t
had to take an opportunity when it presented itself to you. In fact, he ,
could have said "follow that cab", but the bus driver would probably
have followed a nearby cab which was going in what could be considered f
the completely wrong direction. Anyway, while the driver got on with i
that, Popsicle and the Inspector stuck their heads out of the bus n
windows and shouted obscenities at the fast vanishing tram, and at the e
curious onlookers who didn't usually see events this exciting and ,
dynamic happening, and mostly presumed they were just filming a
commercial for a new brand of potato chips. r
The tram screeched around the corner, under the railway bridge and i
into Normanby Road, in the process cutting off three Volvos (Volvoes?) g
and a short fat man in a Mercedes, but no-one cared. The bus was slowly h
gaining, but the faster speed was being thwarted by a steady stream of t
passengers pulling the cord to get off at various stops along the way. ,
As the final old lady with an afternoon's worth of shopping from the
bargain basement at Chadstone got off, Popsicle knew in his bones that a
they'd be able to catch Completebastardprick. b
The bus drew along side the speeding tram, and Popsicle climbed s
through the bus skylight onto the roof, leaving the Inspector to take o
out his frustrations on someone's kid who'd been left behind. Keeping l
low to avoid being barbecued by the tram power wires, Popsicle steadied u
himself before taking a cliched running leap off the bus and towards t
the swaying back end of the tram. Just as he jumped, the tram surged e
forward, leaving Popsicle plummeting through the air, heading fast l
towards the ground. Which, on all accounts, is nice enough to land on y
from a height of about three feet at slow speed, but which is not so ,
great when landing on it from six feet up at a speed approaching that
of a crowd of hippies running for the nearest bucket after accidentally n
biting into a double beef and beef burger with extra beef. He grabbed o
at the nothingness, arms flailing, and managed to get a hand onto the
tram's power pole. The weight of him pulled it down from the wire, and p
the tram, deprived of its wattage of life, began to slow as Popsicle r
slammed into the back of the tram. o
b
*JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR THE AMAZINGLY FINAL l
EPISODE OF THIS ADVENTURE OF MR POPSICLE!* e
m
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
You have been feasting your eyeballs on yet another ,
episode of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. And if
you require dessert, old issues are available on y
request. Or in text form. Simply send mail to e
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ Scrubbing and washing and drying and ironing
Melbourne, Australia------------\ Cleaning up after the cat has thrown up
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ Tying up papers and taking out bins
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-\ These are a few of my favourite things
_______________________________________________________________________________
Nestle Free Toxic Custard
|__ __ | ___ | | | ___ | | | |
| | | | | | __ | | |____ 21st September 1992
|__ |_____ |__________ |__ |__ |__ |__ by Daniel Bowen
THE ADVENTURES OF MR POPSICLE - THE SPECTACLED BRAND Part Six
Mr Popsicle, truly incredible and lovable and delicious secret agent of J
the Australian Royal Security Establishment is getting quite close to u
catching that well-known character of dubious repute and winner of the s
1992 Fuckhead Of The Year Award, Reginald Completebastardprick. t
Popsicle scraped himself off the back of the tram, which he had s
spectacularly (well, as spectacularly as you can do in a written story) o
leapt onto at the end of the last episode. He steadied himself on the
ground, which he had finally reached, though he had originally been in y
no hurry, and reached for his trusty nun. I mean gun. Inspector o
Unnecessary-Violence jumped out of the following bus and joined u
Popsicle, and they stalked slowly alongside the tram towards the cab,
where Completebastardprick had been last seen. k
They changed their plans quite speedily when a volley of gunshots n
rang out from the front of the tram. To be precise, from the villain's o
gun, which was in the vicinity of the front of the tram, in the w
villain's hand, to be precise. If armed and dangerous trams roamed the ,
streets trying to shoot people, the Public Transport Corporation would
be in seriously even more economic strife than they are already. T
Anyway, Completebastardprick fired at Popsicle and the Inspector o
several times, which was a fairly logical thing to do in the x
circumstances, and well defined as equitable under his contract of i
employment in this story as a Criminal (Third Class) under the federal c
labour laws. Popsicle and the Inspector, as was to be expected in the
circumstances, took cover and fired back, which was also their role as C
listed in their contracts as Hero (1st Class) and Sidekick (1st Class). u
The authorised Sidekick then radioed back to the Australian Royal s
Security Establishment Headquarters of Operations, Logistics and t
Eavesdropping for some assistance in their current predicament. ARSE a
superdooper cars, tanks, helicopters and more tanks appeared from r
nowhere and completely surrounded the area, thus ensuring that this d
scene would be too expensive ever to be made for television.
Completebastardprick was still hiding in the cab, having been left h
alone there by the tram driver, who had recently decided to leave his a
post for sunnier, friendlier, and more peaceful climes, and managed s
within two minutes to find a van operated by the world-famous Monsieur
Whippy where he could get a nice ice cream with choc-nut topping and a b
Flake bar sticking out of it at a quite alarming angle. o
Popsicle's voice rang out on the ARSE public-address system which y
had been brought along for just such an occasion. "Okay Complete- c
bastardprick, come quietly or we'll make it *very* noisy for you!" o
The reply came back, shouted from Completebastardprick, who was in t
quite a reckless mood: "No way, fuckers! You won't fuckin' take me a- t
fucking-live! So fuck off!" e
d
*OH DAMN, WE'RE OUT OF SPACE AND THE STORY STILL ISN'T FINISHED.
LOOK, I PROMISE IT WILL END NEXT WEEK, OKAY? PROMISE. ABSOLUTELY N
PROMISE. WITH A CHERRY ON TOP, OR WHATEVER ELSE YOU WANT.* e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s
t
Oh there was a man who in this song l
His name was called John Smith e
'Twas a boring name but 'twas not wrong
For John was the name that he was named with p
r
John Smith he had a job you see o
Though thousands others didn't d
While John worked earning a bob or three u
All those others they all couldn't c
t
So John was a soul, a happy old soul s
His week was five days long .
And as he trotted off to work each morn
He'd sing this happy song: D
o
"Oh nothin' could be finer n
Than to be a uranium miner '
I'm happy 'bout my task t
Don't care if I glow in the dark"
a
And then one day a few months on s
Old John he caught some flu k
He sneezed and was surprised to find
His snot was all bright blue w
h
He went to the doc and sang at him y
"Doc why is my snot blue? ,
It's really quite alarming as
My piss is bright blue too". i
f
The doctor, he sat at his desk
'Twas pine or maybe teak y
He picked up a clipboard and a pen o
As he began to speak u
'
"Mr Smith, why the hell are you singing your ailments to me? Can't you r
just tell me what's wrong with you?" e
"Oh doctor please oh doctor please a
Oh please join in this song n
For you can see the readers will
Think your bits are all wrong" a
w
"Oh don't be silly Mr Smith. Now look, I've done the blood test, a
checked your pulse and blood pressure, weight, height, breathing, and r
I've even given you a rectal examination, though that was for my own e
personal fun, and I do believe that you've got radiation sickness."
h
So ol' John Smith went home that day u
In quite a damn foul mood m
But it didn't really matter anymore a
'Cos late that night he did explood. n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e not aware, just repl b
You have been experiencing yet another Toxic r y e
Custard Workshop File. We apologise for any ' y details. i
inconvenience, pain, suffering, repression, u l i n
disembowelment or disfigurement that this may o s f g
have caused. If you'd like to get your little y i ,
hands on Toxic Custard back-issues, just reply r y
to this mail, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu , g eht lla ekil d'uo y
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r o
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen evewoh ,fI .wonk dluohs u
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ I've discovered I have an allergy to
Melbourne, Australia------------\ people smoking cigarettes nearby. I
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ react violently to the smoke - I hit
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-\ the person who's smoking.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Reluctantly Normal Toxic Custard
_____ ___ _ _ _ ____ _ _ ___
|_ _| | _| | | | | | ___| | | | | | __| Toxic Custard Workshop Files
| | | |_ | | | | | _| | | | | |__ \ Number 115 - 28th September 1992
|_| |___| |_____| |_| |_| |_| |___/ Written by Daniel Bowen
THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE - THE SPECKLED TRAM Part Seven
At the rear-end of our last not-quite-as-thrilling-as-it-could-be and O
not-quite-as-final-as-we-wished-it-would-be episode, Inspector h
Unnecessary-Violence and Mr Popsicle of the infamously infamous
Australian Royal Security Establishment had cornered the nasty-wasty d
Reginald Completebastardprick in the suburbs, in the street, in a tram, e
in a state of utter terror at the thought of being caught and brought a
to Justice. And if Justice had had any idea of the possibility of r
meeting Reginald Completebastardprick, she'd have been pretty terrified ,
about it too. Which just goes to show the dangers of blind dates.
The seige between our heroes and the armed and dangerous nasty man t
was going pretty seigely, and as we pick up the story and throw it out h
the window, the latter has just shouted a bunch of obscenities at our a
heroes, to the effect that not only would anyone from a decent t
upbringing with a reasonably well-paying job, a house in the suburbs,
3.2 kids and a parrot be mortally offended by the language used and P
hence carked (*this is the word the dictionary choked on, any o
suggestions as to the spelling are welcome) it on the spot.. not only p
to that effect, but also to the other and more interesting effect that s
Reginald Completebastardprick was not going to give in without a fight. i
He had battled hard to get the position as star villain in this story, c
and wouldn't be relinquishing the position easily. It had been l
difficult enough getting into the finalists for the position, not to e
mention finding out all their addresses and bumping them off one by one
so that he had to get the job. p
The Inspector and Popsicle considered Completebastardprick's rather u
negative and rebellious and villain-like response, and held a quick n
two-person conference, debated, considered again and decided c
unanimously to take him out. They prepared for several minutes, placing h
marksmen at Queen's Knight 4, Queen's Pawn 2 and Kings Rook 1, and then l
put the order out on the radios: "Take him out." All the radios were i
naturally tuned to COP-FM, the all-new stereo sound sensation of the n
airwaves for all law-enforcement personnel. Yes, COP-FM, with which 24 e
hours a day, you could be guaranteed to be able to turn on the radio
and hear a track by the Police. i
The ARSE marksmen (aka the Soggies) were all highly trained, having s
got their experience in a large number of seiges and raids, most of
them in Redfern. David Gundy, the entire cast and crew of Toxic Custard t
#94, JFK, JR, Ronald Reagan, you name it, they'd shot it. So when the e
order came to take Completebastardprick out, they were ready. They had r
prepared. They had practised several times on the neighbourhood kids. r
They moved in, armed and dangerous, on the tram in which R.C was i
hiding. And on the count of 4 (because they couldn't count any higher), b
they stuck all their collection of bloody dangerous looking guns in his l
face and shouted in formation: "Hello Reg! We're the Australian Royal e
Security Establishment marksmen, and we'd really like to get to know .
you better! Do you fancy a cup of coffee, or a meal, after the story is
finished?" B
And that's how they took him out. u
t
T H E E N D (Thank God)
n
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
v
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... e
Street-theatre. Now I can stand a little theatre now and then. r
Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, all that. But I just don't understand this
stupid street-theatre that seems to be stalking our streets these days. m
More feared than all the muggers and pickpockets on the planet are the i
dreaded women in formation on monocycles holding sparklers and haddock n
riding along the footpath. Are you really trying to tell me that half a d
dozen men in wetsuits and Reeboks with televisions on their heads .
dancing to new age music means something? What message are they trying
to get across to the masses? *If* they're making a statement about the H
suffering of the homeless youth in the inner cities, why the hell don't e
they make a banner and shout about it in front of Parliament House. At l
least they'd get their message across. l
And what really gets me is that these people are paid for using o
public money. I probably paid for one of those television sets, but the ,
bloke wouldn't even let me tune into A Country Practice when I asked
him. It might be okay, but paying for these twats isn't even optional. I
I look at my horrendously complicated tax form, and do I see an
exemption from street-theatre tax for those who think they're all a w
bunch of arty hippy gits? No. o
What a waste of money. The other thing that really gets up my nose, n
down my throat and into my bowels is these university types who manage d
to spend millions upon millions of dollars on those computer network e
things, and then use them to send stupid poems, moronic messages, r
opinionated opinions and other wastes of space like undergraduate
humour, stuff which isn't even funny, all over the world. I saw an w
excerpt from one of them the other week, the "Toxic Pudding Working h
File", or something. Crap, complete crap. Not a single worthwhile word a
can ever have come from the nonentity that wrote it. He'd be more t
value to the world if he had his brain surgically removed and put in a
bucket. And they wouldn't need a very big bucket, either. t
h
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i
s
Even the most brilliant and talented individual will occasionally fuck ______
things up completely. In a bureaucracy, it's worse. Hundreds of lowly __/ s
and moronic individuals fuck things up more often, making collective_/ q
fucking-up far more frequent and disastrous. / u
But smaller numbers of people can fuck up things too. Take, for\ i
example, the Geelong Football Club... __/ g
_______/ g
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / l
This has been another worthless unfunny \ y
instalment of the Toxic Pudding Working ________/
File. Back-issues are *still* available, / l
so please email for any details which might __/ i
possibly (or possibly not) be available. / n
Send mail now to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, or / e
reply to this crudfest. _______/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~~~ i
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. \ All writs reserved. s
-- /
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ f
Melbourne, Australia-----------/ Thou shalt not commit adultery o
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au---\ with thy neighbour's camel. r
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu/ ?
_______________________________________________________________________________
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | "Life is a bunch of
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | things that lead into
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| other things."
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |