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- **************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
- ********************PARTS SIXTY-ONE TO SIXTY-FIVE**************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
______________________________________________________________________________
ENTIRELY WHOLESOME TOXIC CUSTARD
And on the eigth day, which was a Monday if I remember rightly, the Lord
did have the computer installed, so he could keep track of everything.
### ###
--##---------#####------TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-#61------Chop a tree
## ##### ### 9th September 1991AD \ down today
######## ### ### Written by Daniel Bowen \ for a
### ### #### (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) \ brighter
-############----#######-----------------------------------------tomorrow A
s
Massive Systems FBC (Fucking Big Computer) (vahalla.cc.heaven.rel) tty01
I
login: peter
password: s
i
Last successful login about 5 minutes ago on tty01 t
,
Welcome to MS FBC, WeetabIX V4.23
Licensed to Heaven w
2 User(s) Running at 493,383 MIPS r
User peter logged in at 20:27:17 UTC on 15 Sep 2093AD i
t
- *************************************************** i
Users please note that e-mail from outside heaven n
will be delayed, due to maintenance on the Pearly g
gateway. Also be aware of attempted break-ins into
this system from brimstone.cc.hell.rel a
- *************************************************** n
Today's thought: There are no razor blades in heaven o
That's why we all have beards. (God) t
- *************************************************** h
e
heaven% who r
god console Jan 1 0ABB 00:00
peter tty01 Sep 15 2093AD 20:27 s
t
heaven% dbms u
p
DATABASE OF MORTAL SINS v0.8 (Beta Test Site) i
----------------------------------------------- d
Main menu: s
1.. Create a new life record (birth) i
2.. Edit life record d
3.. Cast person and delete record (death) e
9.. Shutdown system - Armageddon routines (password required) w
a
Enter option: 3 y
s
3 - CAST PERSON
m
Enter surname: Bowen Enter given names: Daniel Francis e
s
Retrieving record... s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
Name: Daniel Francis Bowen Record no.: Earth/27081970A/47264 g
DOB: 27/08/1970AD DOD: 15/09/2093AD e
IQ: 67 Death: Smog suffocation ,
Events of life under consideration: I
0001- Hit sister with gumboot. (1972AD)
0002- Once stole 20 cents from the family telephone money box. (1979AD) w
0003- Enjoyed "The Life of Brian" several times (1986AD-2090AD) o
0004- Wrote "Toxic Custard Workshop Files", containing jokes about the n
Church, and later making an obscene amount of money into the d
bargain. (1990AD-2047AD) e
0005- Owned a Filofax. (1991AD-1996AD) r
0006+ Awarded "Wonderful Human Being" award. (1997AD)
0007+ Donated large amounts of profits to worthy charities, including w
Salvation Army and Public Transport Corporation. (1995AD-2092AD) h
y
Good: 2 Bad: 5 Total: 7
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - b
o
Please wait.. determining destination. t
h
Destination determined: Hell - determining life event/s: 0004 e
r
- *Manual override from user god** .
Destination re-determined: Heaven
A
Message from god (console) - TCWF? I kinda liked it! n
y
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - b
o
The man hammered on the front door d
So we hastily hid on the floor. y
He quietly demanded our cash,
While we carefully hid all the stash. g
o
A silence in the air dispelled t
"Open the fucking door", he yelled.
We all pretended not to be there, a
Quietly opened the window to let in some air. n
y
It was round about then he saw the smoke.
He breathed it in, but didn't choke. g
It came out our window, he mellowed out. o
What were we burning? There was no doubt. o
d
The man went away, and crashed his Merc.
It was lucky there was no-one hurt. s
Now he comes every week- tenants beware u
Every week he comes, to breathe in the "air". g
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - g
e
Following up their hugely unsuccessful "Pommy" heavy-metal opera, s
Megabogue will shortly begin their "We Need The Money" tour. Band t
occasional-spokesman Bonk Mee told reporters that tour budgets have i
already been worked out, including fan funeral and stadium destruction o
insurance. "This tour will be something else!", he declared. Megabogue n
will kick off their tour at Chisholm hall on Thursday September 19th s
(what a subtle plug!), in front of a crowd of people who will be ?
expecting something else.
Bonk also complained that Megabogue were totally ignored at the MTV
awards, purely because they didn't do a music video. P
l
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
Back issues are available.. e-mail for details. a
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen e
-- ?
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | If you thought cars were
Melbourne, Australia | a form of penis extension..
---------------------------------| ever tried driving a semi-
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | trailer? Or a road-train?
______________________________________________________________________________
NUCLEAR-FREE TOXIC CUSTARD
Is this a Shakespeare parody that I see before me? No! It's just...
____
|____ ____| TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #62 - 16/9/91
|____| |____ Written in a tearing hurry by Daniel Bowen
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever been to a school reunion? A night of seeing people you remember Y
("Charles! Mate! How you been, what you been up to?"), trying to guess e
the names of people you think you remember ("Oh.. it's.. erm.. you! How s
you been, what you been up to?"), being remembered by other people who ,
you don't remember ("Erm.. yeah, of course I remember you! .. erm..
anyway, How you been, what you been up to?" while thinking "who the r
hell is this?"), and, of course, seeing if other people remember you e
("Leanne! Hi! .. Remember me? ... No?... Daniel.. Yeah, Daniel.. Yeah, a
that's right! How you been, what you been up to?"). And of course, you d
can get embarassed at all the old photos. e
r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s
,
-I've come to pick up my photos.
i
-Ah yes.. what was the name? t
'
-When? 1273 BC? s
-When you put the photos in to be processed. t
r
-Oh.. Smith. u
e
-Of course. And your first name? Otherwise we'll be here all day, .
looking through a pile of seventy-six sets of holiday snaps taken by .
seventy-six different Smith families on their boring holidays to Great .
Keppel Island for a fortnight one Summer two years ago that they
haven't bothered to pick-up yet because they know very well that t
they'll have to stand around all day while we look through the pile of h
seventy-six sets of holiday snaps taken by seventy-six Smith families i
on their boring holidays to Great Keppel Island. s
-Fred. w
a
-Fred Smith? Pleased to meet you! I'm sure I haven't heard of you, you s
insignificant little nobody! Would you mind terribly much if I didn't
ask for your autograph? I'll just find your photos. They're probably w
among the seventy-six sets of holiday snaps taken by seventy-six Smith r
families on their boring holidays to Great Keppel two years ago. i
t
-Okay. I'll wait. t
e
-Well, you'd better, or you won't get to see them. Back in a minute. n
-Right.. i
n
[forty minutes later]
a
-I'm sorry, they appear to have been lost.
h
-Lost? But.. How? u
r
-Well, that's what happens when we have seventy-six sets of photographs r
under the name of Smith from their holidays on Great Keppel Island one y
Summer two years ago. Things get lost. I do sympathise with you, they .
must have been historic and memorable moments for you and your entire
family. Thank you so much for entrusting us with your memories. Which W
we've lost. Still, look at the good side-- if you leave the shop in the e
next ten seconds, we won't charge you for it. Oh! Just a moment.. found l
them! Here they are! Take a look! l
,
-Hmm.. yes.. these are mine. Hey.. I remember that! The cat looks a
little out of focus.. I never did know which dial was the.. oh m
dear.. that one's a bit blurred.. and the cat's head got cut off. o
Naughty old Michael with his hedge-clippers, dear dear dear. Look s
at that.. see? That's where the RSPCA man hit Michael. Serves him t
right. Not quite enough light in that one. Oh, there's a big black
streak across the one of the policeman taking Michael away.. o
f
-Yes, that was a mechanical fault, we were having the processing
machine erm.. processed, at the time. i
t
-Ah. This one with the grubby fingerprints.. ,
-Yes, the mechanic reached into where the photos were.. dirt also got a
onto some other photos from a family called Smith, from their holidays n
on Great Keppel two years ago.. y
w
-Oh.. Anyway, in this one Michael had punched the policeman and run a
off down the street, with the police car and me and my camera in y
hot pursuit. Hmm.. looks like the vertical-hold needed adjusting. .
-We'd better wrap this up and think of a punchline so you can piss off Y
out of my shop and I can go and have some lunch. o
u
-Indeed. How much for the photos?
c
-$9.95. o
u
-Okay.. here you go. Oh, while I'm here, I'd forgotten about a set l
of photos of the family up at Great Keppel on holiday, about two d
years ago...
t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
It is your misfortune/privilege* to have reached the end of l
another hilarious/stupid* episode of the Toxic Custard l
Workshop Files. Back-issues are now available.. ,
e-mail/vomit* for details. (Delete where inapplicable)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ c
o
Well, can we really define "end"? The term "end" is so often u
misconstrued as the final apocalypse, when it may in fact be merely the l
transfer of the life-force to better and greater things. When looking d
at the cycle of life, it's important to realise these things. n
'
-- t
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
-- y
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Monash Comedy Revue! This Thursday, o
Melbourne, Australia | 19th September at Monash Caulfield! u
---------------------------------| Your only chance to see Megabogue ?
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | LIVE in concert!!
______________________________________________________________________________
VITAMIN ENRICHED TOXIC CUSTARD
### ####### TOXIC Number 63 - 23rd September 1991
### ####### ### ### CUSTARD by Daniel Bowen .-----------------.
##### ### ### WORKSHOP (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) | megabogue's |
### #### ### ### FILES | POMMY |
-----#######---#######-------------------------------------| Coming soon |
`--------MoccaSIN-'
CANNIBALISM AT MONASH CLAYTON
The Cannibalism Party has launched its appeal for votes (please!!!) for H
the forthcoming Monash Clayton student elections. Author's sister and m
Housing and Transport Committee candidate Susannah Bowen said on a m
campaign leaflet that "the only easy, cheap solution to the current .
overcrowding on buses, in Halls of Residence and throughout Monash is .
cannibalism." She would not deny that she doesn't actually want the
job, and would not comment when not asked if her party's ideas were n
influenced by the circulation of the "American Psycho" book around the u
campus. Ms Bowen's brother and incredible superhuman goodguy Daniel was m
expected at the time of writing to stop writing this bit any moment b
now, and to go on to write something funnier. We hope. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
The giant boulder came speeding down the corridor, crushing all in its 6
path as it bore down on him, faster and faster. 3
"Well, fuck me!" he exclaimed. "Granite, wouldn't you say, Doctor?" .
"It's hard to say from this distance", replied Doctor Wedge, who .
for convenience sake had lost his accent. "Perhaps as it squashes us
flat, I could scoop a sample out of it for analysis?" T
They stood for several seconds, watching it rolling down the e
corridor towards them. You had to admit, they were being very cool r
about it. But then, *Popsicle* was always cool about things. The Doctor r
was too, usually because he didn't know what was going on. i
*Popsicle* decided that this might be a good time to cease being f
cool about things, and be quite alarmed about things, otherwise there i
was a good chance that were the boulder to get much closer, they would c
both be flat about things. .
"Shhhiiiiiiiittt!" remarked *Popsicle* extremely uncoolly, as he
flung the Doctor out of the way of the boulder and dived for cover, P
unfortunately in the direction of a rather inconveniently placed o
dung-heap. "Well, that's another cheap suit ruined", said *Popsicle*, p
crawling out of the mire just in time to see the boulder disappearing s
off into the distance, and noting that it was bright red; a somewhat i
odd colour for a giant granite boulder. Though he had to admit, he c
thought to himself (and to whoever was reading), that the simple l
occurence of the boulder rolling down the corridor like that was fairly e
odd itself, especially as they were in fact somewhere in F block at
Monash University's Caulfield campus. He could only assume that it was h
in fact a rather overdone piece of ceramics, which had rolled out of a
the fine arts building. t
*Popsicle* noted with superhuman suspicion that he appeared in the h
current issue of the student newspaper (get your copy today, folks!),
then went to collect the Doctor, who, having landed on the floor in one r
of the rooms, was examining the texture of the carpet, and singing to e
himself an old carpet-laying shanty. t
u
"Oh we come with our carpet, hoo-hoo-hooray! r
And our hammer and nails, all ready to lay! n
We'll lay all your carpet in less than a day! e
But if we don't get paid, then we'll take it away! t
h
"*Popsicle*, I may be old and senile, and earning too much money e
from the establishment, but even I can see that the hand you are d
holding out to me is covered in dung", continued the Doctor (and he
was right). "You're filthy, why don't we go and have a shower?" t
"I will. You can keep examining the floor", replied *Popsicle*, h
pushing Doc Wedge back to it for a closer look. i
"Extraordinary.." said the Doctor when Popsicle got back. "This s
carpet seems to be made of virgin wool."
"Does that mean it's from a sheep that's never been shagged?" i
"We're moving towards shag pile jokes, shall we continue this s
dialogue another time?" s
"Yes, good idea." u
So they did. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .
.
- G'day Lenny. .
- Inspector Sideburn.. what do you want? a
i
- Heard any good concertos lately? n
'
- P..pardon? t
- I said, have you heard any good concertos lately? t
h
- Look, I don't need this. I don't need the law coming round a
here and hassling me about concertos. I haven't heard anything. t
- C'mon Lenny, we know there's been activity in this neighbourhood. g
There's been three violin soloists in just the past week! r
e
- I don't know nothing about it. a
t
- You? Huh.. don't think I've forgotten about that little stretch you ?
did for those armed symphonies a couple of years back. And we never
found the lute. I haven't forgotten. I'm sharper than you think. N
o
- Look Sideburn, I haven't heard anything, honest. I've gone ,
quiet since clink.
n
- Well, maybe, Lenny.. but remember this. If I get a whiff of so much o
as a tune-up, I'll be down on you like a grand-piano. I'm the law here, t
and I'm not having any orchestras on my ground. Clear?
r
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
This has been a not-quite-as-rushed-as-the-last-one edition a
of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back issues are l
available; e-mail edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu for details. l
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ y
-- .
Daniel Francis Bowen, Monash | LEGALISE CANNIBALISM NOW!
University, Melbourne, Australia |
---------------------------------| Monash (Clayton) Elections
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Vote 1 CANNIBALISM, for a tastier tomorrow
_ __ __ _
/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\ .-Megabogue's heavy-metal opera-------.
/\/ \_/ \__POMMY__/ \_/ \/\ | masterpiece "Pommy" is coming soon. |
\/\_/ \__/megabogue\__/ \_/\/ | |
/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\ | |
\/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/ | First single - "Brick Wall Painter" |
/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\ | out Monday 30th September |
\/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/ | |
\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/ `--------------------MoccaSIN Records-'
______________________________________________________________________________
______ ______
| \ / | (Dah.. dah dah.. dah dah.. dah dah.. dah.. dah dah
| \/ | .. dah dah dah dah dah .. dah.. dah dah.. dah dah dah
| *** *** dah.. dah dah dah dah!)
| |\ /*** **
| | \/ | * ** Welcome back to MTC. And now a big world
|_____| |_*___**** premiere. From their forthcoming heavy
MUSIC TOXIC CUSTARD metal opera "Pommy", this is Megabogue,
Number 64 - 30/9/91 with "Brick Wall Painter."
by Daniel Bowen J
------------------- u
s
Ever since I was a young boy, Megabogue t
I've sprayed phones in the mall. "Brick Wall Painter"
From Footscray to Beaumaris Pommy h
I must have sprayed them all. MoccaSIN o
w
But I ain't seen anything like him,
In any children's court... d
That deaf dumb and blind bogue o
Sure paints a mean brick wall! e
s
He's a brick wall painter Next on MTC: News
He has to be a twit. m
A brick wall painter, y
He's really such a git.
b
Why do you think he does it? I don't know! r
What is the appeal? a
i
Rejection of society, n
Or something deep like that,
That's what the doctors tell us w
But it's a load of crap. o
He's really just a vandal, Megabogue r
And very bad at that... "Brick Wall Painter" k
That deaf dumb and blind bogue Pommy ?
What a stupid twat! MoccaSIN
W
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
o
And now for some MTC News, and first of all, architecture.
c
The new Lee Ning tower, which was deliberately built to tilt on an a
angle of 3 degrees (or 37.4 Fahrenheit) has been brought by Pizza Hut n
to be their new world headquarters. You can probably guess what they're
going to call it. The police department rejected the building earlier t
in the month because it wasn't bent. Besides, they didn't get around to e
looking at tenders; they were too busy watching the AFL Grand Final. l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l
?
And here comes Hawthorn's half-back Tuck with the ball, a drop punt to
centre half-forward where Brereton's waiting, what a mark! No, sorry, W
what a Dermott! He handpasses straight to Jarman, who was momentarily e
blinded by light reflecting off two hundred Eagles supporters' yellow l
caps in the grandstand nearby. Never mind, they'll be wishing they l
never heard of football once the game's over and Hawthorn has won by ,
the predicted 53 points.
Jarman falls over in a daze as Lockyer for the Eagles grabs the I
ball, only to be set upon by ten surrounding Hawthorn players, and the
umpire stops play for a bounce, due to the confusion over possession, c
and to confuse any overseas viewers who don't understand the rules. The a
ball is knocked out by the Eagles' Pyke, who is then knocked out by n
Platten, who is still in a mean mood after pranging the car last week. ,
Condon grabs the ball for Hawthorn, and kicks to Brereton, another
mark for Brereton who if he touched his own balls as much as he's a
touched this one during the game, would be completely blind already. c
And I bet we get castrated by the broadcasting tribunal for that one. t
Brereton lines up with goal.. he kicks McIntosh in the shin before u
kicking the ball between the two big posts down at the end of the a
ground there.. Another goal for Hawthorn, and the Hawthorn fans up a l
notch in enthusiasm, and the Eagles fans go down a notch in depression. l
That makes the score 19 18 to 13 7, or for Australian viewers, who y
probably can't handle the multiplication, and anyone who doesn't .
understand the weird scoring system, Hawthorn lead the Eagles 132 to
86. And now we'll take a quick thirty second commercial break so we can T
pay for this telecast and be back just a bit too late to miss the next h
bounce of the ball. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
a
DIARY MONDAY 30TH SEPTEMBER n
s
Got up. Stretched quite a lot. Purred a bit. Went to back door to go w
outside to relieve myself. It was raining, so I tried the front e
instead. I asked Owner#1 to turn off the rain and make it a bit warmer r
out there, but he didn't do anything. And he seemed angry that I didn't
want to go out after all. Who wants to go out for a crap when it's i
freezing cold? The Owners manage to keep the weather inside house warm s
enough, and turn on the suns on and off, so why won't they do it for ,
me, when I want to go out?
In the afternoon, when it had stopped raining, I decided to get i
Owner#2 a peace offering. I found her a very nice fresh bird, but she t
just made a noise and gestured at me to get rid of it. I tried to
insist, but then Owner#1 came and put it in the container thing in the d
corner. I tried to get it back out again, but couldn't reach up to the o
opening. e
I complained about dinner while Owner#2 was getting it ready for s
me. I must have said "I don't want that bloody Whiskas muck again" a n
hundred times, but did she listen? No! When will they get used to the '
fact that I'm sick of Sardine And Salmon? t
After dinner I went out to watch the lights going past along the .
black thing. Funny how those lights usually go past in pairs. I knew
there was a storm coming, so I tried to get back inside. The Owners I
were watching their box, so I had to shout at the window for a while
before they let me in. They took their bloody time, I was soaking wet t
by the time they opened the door for me. Still, I thanked them anyway, h
by rubbing myself on their legs in appreciation. i
n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ k
In a further setback to the whole of humanity today, you .
have just been reading another of the Toxic Custard Workshop .
Files. Back-issues are available; reply to this, or e-mail .
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Toxic Custard Workshop Files
Melbourne, Australia--------------| tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
----------------------------------|--------------------------------
| Why are historians so backward?
______________________________________________________________________________
_____ _____
| | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES 65 7th October 1991
|_____ |____ `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
\ \ \ Written by Daniel Bowen
\____\ ____\----------------------------------------------------------
The brain-drain has hit. A
You could tell, couldn't you? Don't answer that. It's basically a c
consequence of assignments. The history of assignments goes back to the t
17th century, when 16th century born French scholar and right bastard u
Francois De'Crepit thought he'd piss his students off completely by a
setting numerous numbers of theoretically useful but practically l
useless exercises all due in a two week period about two thirds of the l
way through what was to become known as the semester. He also developed y
long sentences that had to be read at least twice before they made any ,
sense like the previous one made any sense like the previous one.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
h
We live on a most remarkable planet. It's really very nice. Seen any of e
it lately? Anyway, we all know that birds fly south for the winter. So
what do birds down here in the southern hemisphere do? Maybe they fly b
further south. No, then they'd end up in Antarctica (Americans read r
"Andardigger"). So.. in winter, what do birds native to Antarctica do? a
Yeah, the penguins. Perhaps they waddle south. They wouldn't get very i
far. And they'd never come back; it's always winter at the poles. n
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
d
CRIME STOPPERS: WANTED r
James Wanton, 17 years old, 175 centimetres tall, wanted for not making a
his bed this morning, leaving an assortment of unwashed dishes in his i
bedroom, leaving his socks and underpants on the floor, and generally n
treating the place like a hotel. If you know his whereabouts, you may
be eligible for a reward of up to $1000 while remaining anonymous. Ring i
Crime Stoppers on 865-5000. s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
s
We would like to appeal to all parents who own ferocious dogs - please o
think before leaving the dog near the baby. Wouldn't it be better to
leave the baby outside the house? Or better still, have it adopted out. b
Babies can be quite dangerous.. you wouldn't want your best friend to a
get bitten, now, would you? d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
t
Hello, I'd like to have a look at the Bowater shoes for $49 in the h
window. i
s
- Certainly sir. I'll just get them. What size?
w
Oh.. erm.. It should say on the bottom of my old shoes.. I'll just e
twist my foot around to get a look at them. hmm.. can't quite make it e
out, it seems to have rubbed off.. I'll take a guess at nine. k
,
- Here you are sir, size nine. Please, try them on. My God,
what are they? I
My socks. At least, that's what they smell like. c
a
- Yeuch, how absolutely revolting. You'll just have to sign n
this shoe-damage liability form. If any irremovable stains or '
smells get left in our shoes, we have the right to sue you. So t
there. Thank you.
t
Thanks. Hmm, I'll just go for a walk in them. h
i
- So, trying to steal our shoes, are you? We'll see about that! n
k
No no, I just want to see how they fit.
o
- Huh, sure! I'm ringing the pigs! f
No no, please! Look, they seem to almost fit. I mean, I can feel my big a
toes being crushed to a pulp, and my heels are about to burst out the n
back, and I'm not sure the circulation is getting all the way around, y
you'd better call an ambulance before my feet fall off. Not bad, in t
all. I'll buy them. h
i
- Okay. That'll be $98 please. n
g
$98? They're in the window for $49!
t
- That's $49 per shoe. o
$49 per shoe?!? w
r
- Yes. We do have a third off all prices today, but as you i
appear to be a horrible mutant monster with green stalks for t
eyes (eighty of them), several dozen tentacles, with pus e
spurting out of the top of your head (who wrote this stuff, I
feel ill), and three legs, it will be $98. d
o
Oh. Here you are then, $98. w
n
- Thank you sir. Now get out and never grace this shop with
your aroma again. t
h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
From the man they called "Oi, you dickhead!" - you have been
reading yet another mouth-sized splodge of a production from s
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back-issues are available; i
reply to this thing 'ere, or e-mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for d
details. If you're superlatively unlucky. e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
Is tennis the work of the devil?
Take a look, for instance, at the scores---> S. Edberg 6 6 6
B. Gilbert 2 2 2
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Toxic Custard Workshop Files
Melbourne, Australia+------------| tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--------------------+ |--------------------------------
| All the world's a custard..
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]