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- **************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
- **********************PARTS SIXTEEN TO TWENTY******************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
______________________________________________________________________________
Sweet sixteen
THE TWICE-WEEKLY==||== ||==|| || || || ||== Volume 1, Number 16
|| || || === || || 15th October 1990
|| ||==|| || || || ||==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
COUNTRY NEWS:
The RSPCA was called to an incident on a dairy-farm near Bendigo over
the weekend. Apparently due to last week's Victorian milk-strike, many
cows on the farm have not been milked since early last week. When cows
are not milked, the milk builds up inside them and they expand, until
the inevitable happens - they explode.
This is apparently quite a site to behold, and TV news crews
rushed north over the weekend to see if they could film a cow
exploding for their evening news services.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
EDITORIAL
Hello. This is the author here. Now, you may think that you are reading this on
or about the 15th of October 1990, but I have a horrible secret to reveal. This
file is NOT LIVE! Yes, I'm afraid that the Toxic Custard Workshop Files are
TYPED several weeks in advance. In fact, it is 9:36pm Aust EST on Friday the
28th of September! So, you're thinking, that's why he didn't rave about who won
the AFL Grand Final, or how Saddam Hussein tongue-kissed George Bush at their
summit meeting. Oh? They didn't have a meeting? Oh, I must have dreamed that.
Right. Well, now my conscience is relaxed (despite my imagination being round
the twist), on with the funny bits. Stuff it, I'm not in a funny mood tonight
(two and a half weeks ago.) Why not recycle some old stuff (again). Naaah. Now
that would be really dishonest. But why stop now? Tell you what, how about some
new stuff on an old (mid '70s) theme?
AND NOW A SPECIAL APPEAL FOR DONATIONS.
It is a sad fact in today's world that a frightening number of male university
lecturers dress unfashionably. For example, we surveyed a random sample of 153
male lecturers.
27% had long shirt collars
5% wore flares
32% said that they always wore brown
46% admitted to wearing skivvies more than three days per week
29% had beards but no moustaches
When asked when they last purchased clothing
11% hadn't this year
22% hadn't in the last two years
35% hadn't in the last five years
16% couldn't remember
But perhaps the most frightening statistic of all was the trouser department.
87% were wearing corduroy trousers, 76% of which were brown
This is a deplorable situation, which can only be solved by donations of
clothing, money and fashion magazines. THESE PEOPLE NEED YOUR HELP NOW!
And remember:
"Jumpers are clothing's way of
telling you to pull over...."
THE PROCEEDS OF THE FOLLOWING COMMERCIAL SPACE HAVE BEEN DONATED
TO THE "LECTURERS IN NEED OF A CLOTHING TRANSPLANT" APPEAL.
____________________________________
/ \
| Life ... is brought to you by Coke |
\____________________________________/
AND NOW A QUICK COMPUTER JOKE
" Life's a batch, then you DIR "
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Wasn't really very funny at all, was it? No. Fair enough. Maybe when I write
the next episode I'll think of something funnier. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS, NEW
IMPROVED TOXIC CUSTARD 17 OUT ON 17TH OCTOBER.
ROCKET ROGER. SUBSCRIBE. JUST DO IT, OKAY?@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@was actually wrong was that the screw that made the
connection from the modem plug to the serial port was missing
therefore there wasn't a strong connection
therefore the modem would not work.
NEXT WEEK KATHERINE FINDS A DISLODGED WIRE ON THE MOTHERBOA@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
_______________________________________________________________________________
****** ***** ********* ****** ******* ******** ********
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*** *** *** *** *** *** ******* ******* ********
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
****** ***** *** ****** ******* ******** *** ***
****** ********************
****** ********************
****** ******
****** ******
****** ******
****** ******
****** ****** THE TOXIC CUSTARD
****** ****** WORKSHOP FILES#17
Hello, good evening, and welcome to the seventeenth of
October. And it looks like being one of the best
seventeenths of October for some years. Our experts have
been checking the records, and if their indications are
anything to go by, this could be the greatest seventeenth
of October since that memorable `October Seventeen' in
1957. Even the great 17/10/63 will pale in comparison to
today. The Guiness book of records section of October the
seventeenths lists ten classics, and from the looks of it,
this will rank among the top three.
So, to celebrate what must certainly be the finest October
17th in at least a decade, the first joke of episode 17 of
THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES will be in STEREO (where
available).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TCWF STEREO TEST TRANSMISSION EP#:17 TX DATE:17/10/90 JOKE#:1
TESTING 1 2 3 CHANNEL#1 OK TESTING 1 2 3 CHANNEL#2 OK
Joke#1: Joke#1:
"I need a new friend. The "I need a new friend. The
old one has a puncture." old one has a puncture."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Well, so much for the test stereo transmission, now back to the
ummm.. jokes. The following letter was written by a reader who
wishes to remain anonymous.
"You know, people often tell me how lucky I am, being God. But you
know, being a deity isn't all it's cracked up to be. For instance,
the hours are terribly long, and if you make one wrong move,
millions of people whinge for months afterwards. Take that Salman
Rushdie thing.
Now, three days after `The Satanic Verses' came out, I was
intending to blast him with a lightening bolt, just for a bit of
fun, and to make the Christians panic. But whammo, I missed (had a
bit too much holy water that night), and hit a chemical factory in
Altona, Melbourne instead. Terrible mess. The Muslims were furious.
Nobody in Melbourne minded though. Par for the course apparently.
Anyway, the conditions are awful. Ever tried answering prayers from
four million people at once? It got a bit easier when the answering
machine was installed, but with population growth being so high,
soon I'll need a whole switchboard. And the pay is atrocious. I
haven't had a wage rise since 4000BC! And there's no chance of
promotion. I've reached the top of the heap, you might say.
Still, I s'pose it could be worse. At least I've got my American
Express Gold Card now. And everybody knows my name..."
___ ___ __ __ ___
/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__ ISSUE 17
/ \ H/__/E /__A / \D /L \/ I/__ N \/E \/ S___/ 17/10/90
- MEGABOGUE IN SATANIC BACKWARDS SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE SCANDAL! - Details in a
later issue
- Megabogue, following the amputation of drummer Slasher Rists' arms and legs,
are considering changing their name to "Lef Deppard".
- Popular bands Them and the Kinks have merged to form "Thinks". A merger of
their two most popular songs has also been agreed on. The combined version
of "Gloria" and "Lola" will have a new chorus which goes "G L O L A".
Following this, the new band will launch it's own soft-drink - "Glola
Cola".
COMING SOON TO THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES-
- The jeally funny Jomeo & Ruliet roke
- The not quite as funny gardening joke
- A blatant plug for Rocket Roger (see below)
YES THIS IS THE BLATANT ROCKET ROGER PLUG ALL WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS EVEN
THOUGH THERE'S NOT MUCH POINT IN SUBSCRIBING NOW 'COS THE LAST EPISODE IS
TOMORROW, SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I KNOW SOMEONE WHO
RECKONS IT'S NOT VERY GOOD ALTHOUGH I DISAGREE WITH THAT, MAINLY 'COS THE
AUTHOR (THE MAD SCRIBE) IS HOLDING A RATHER LARGE GUN TO MY HEAD AND ANYWAY, I
FOUND SOME OF IT QUITE FUNNY ESPECIALLY THE BIT ABOUT GERIATRIC MUTANT NINJA
TURTLES ANYWAY IF YOU WANT THE VERY LAST LAST LAST AND FINAL EPISODE MAIL
rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
______________________________________________________________________________
MONASH UNIVERSITY REF: T18-221090
FACULTY OF TECHNOLOGY
ELECTIVE SELECTION FOR 1991
Due to the amalgamation of Chisholm Institute of Technology and Monash
University, a number of new elective options have become available to students
at the Caulfield and Frankston campuses. Brief details of some of these are
given below. They are available to students in the following courses:
Bach of Applied Science (Computing) (BP)
Bach of Applied Science (Computing) / Bach of Business (Accounting) (BJ)
Bach of Applied Science (Digital Technology) (BR)
Students in other courses may also be able to join these subjects. They should
enquire at their school administration office. Electives will be formally
selected during re-enrollment for 1991.
SUBJECT SUBJECT
CODE DESCRIPTION
------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADM130 Spouting managerial bullshit
AUS401 Filling in Austudy application forms
AUS402 Guessing when Austudy payment day is
AUS403 Spending all the Austudy the day the payment comes through
BOO182 Queueing up in the campus bookshop
BOO203 Working out when to bring monumentally heavy books to tutes
CAR383 Finding car-parking spaces within a mile of the campus
ENV173 How to budget an environmental lobby group on $75,000 a year
EXA323 Looking over people's shoulders in exams
EXA327 Falsifying exam results
FTP707 Finding really good FTP sites to download from
GIF392 Viewing GIFs in public terminal rooms
HIP371 How to financially manage a commune without getting all commercial
and heavy but also without running out of bread
ING438 Crashing Ingres
LEC301 Insulting lecturers 1 - clothing part I
LEC302 Insulting lecturers 2 - clothing part II
LEC303 Insulting lecturers 3 - speech impediments
LEC304 Entering lectures late without being noticed
LEC305 Leaving lectures early without being noticed
LEC310 Advanced lecture skipping
LEC311 Paper-plane construction
LEV501 Style on campus
LIB202 Dodging the library alarm system
LIB203 Queueing up for photo-copiers
LIF274 Falling down lift-shafts
LES201 Lesbian Rollerskaters' Workshop
MET210 Dodging ticket collectors
MET211 Getting to uni when there's a train strike and an assignment's due
MET212 Train arrival estimation
MET213 Bus arrival estimation
MET214 Tram arrival estimation
MET215 Giving up and getting a taxi
MTY231 Monty Python quotes
MTY331 Advanced Monty Python Quotes
MUS372 Arguing over music 'cos they were really shit hot in concert honest...
MUS373 Turning on the radio and oh no, it's bloody INXS `Suicide Blonde' again
PHO505 Justifying long phone conversations
PHO506 Justifying long modem sessions
PHO511-520 Getting your modem working 1-10
PHO521 Configuring the terminal
PHO522 Finding a dial-in line that works
PHO523 Finding a dial-in line that's not engaged
PHO524 Giving up on the 1200/2400 lines and dialling a 300 baud line instead
PHO525 Waiting in VICNET queues
PHO526 Remembering your login password
PLN472 Thinking up imaginative .PLANs
PUB273 Beginners' pub brawling
TAX261 Tax evasion
PSY192 Spouting psychology bullshit
PSY193 Guilt without sex
PSY194 Psychopathic workshop
SIG373 Thinking up imaginative .SIGNATUREs
SFT112 Crappy Obselete Bloody Old Language programming
SFT291 Software piracy
SFT292 Finding the "quiet" option when playing games in public terminal rooms
SFT391 Introductory virus implementation
TER104 Finding a free terminal
TER105 Finding a free and working terminal
TOX018 Detecting when something serious looking is in fact Toxic Custard #18
TOX221 Gaining new subscribers by mailing to random people (what me? never!)
UNX111 Trying to make sense of Unix commands
UNX112 Filling up your disk quota
VAX302 Using up your VAX budget 1 - PHONEing people in the next room
VAX303 Using up your VAX budget 2 - MAILing out garbage to lots of people
VAX304 Pleading with system administation for an extension of your Vax budget
All right, all right. It's only the TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP impersonating
a very important Monash University notice. Well, I had to think of something...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You probably already know this, but to subscribe
to this wacky boringness, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
_______________________________________________________________________________
Give me a T! Give me a C! Give me a W! Give me a...no This issue
############## ############ ## ## ############## features new
## ### ## ## ## ## ` Double -
## ## ## ## ## ############# Spacing', to
## ### ## ## ## ## make it seem
## ############ ####### ## longer.
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
E P I S O D E N - N - N - N I N E T E E N 2 4 O C T 1 9 9 0
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- THE FOLLOWING BIT IS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY W. SHAKESPEARE INTERNATIONAL PLC*
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
WHAT?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
Who is already sick and pale with grief
WILL YOU PISS OFF - WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she
I'M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...
Be not her maid, since she is envious.
I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?
And none but fools do wear it: cast it off
I'M GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL
It is my lady, O it is my love
LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND I'LL CALL THE POLICE
O that she knew she were
HELLO, POLICE?
She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
THERE'S THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE
Her eye discourses: I will answer it.
HE'S BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER... SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE
I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.
PROBABLY A STUDENT - YES... HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
WELL, HE'S GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
THANK YOU OFFICER.
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
SHUT THE F*** UP!
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars
OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM
Would through the airy region stream so bright
WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?
That birds would sing and think it were not night
WELL I'M AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?
See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
RIGHT SONNY, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT
That I might touch that cheek
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE
Let go of me arm, pig!
- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Next in the literary splendour of Shakespeare's Workshop Files-:
- Romeo And Juliet - A Court Case
- we ask the question - just what compensation did Lady MacBeth receive?
- And we follow Richard the Third in his search for a chiropractor.
Okay, so this episode was a bit short, but it's not size that ... yeah okay...
Gasp! As ROCKET ROGER rescues Juliet from the seven-headed
monster of Blaargenwurst. Subscribe now. Oh, it's finished.
Sorry, DON'T SUBSCRIBE! But you could order the back-issues...
Damn, what a waste of a brilliant plug.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Romeo Montague, you are charged that on or about the early morning of the
twenty-fourth of October 1990 you were found to be drunken in charge of a
Shakespeare tragedy.
BUT MEANWHILE
Live and direct via satellite from Melbourne Australia, it's....
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
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N U M B E R T W E N T Y 2 9 T H O C T O B E R 1 9 9 0
W R I T T E N B Y R A Y M O N D L U X U R Y - Y A C H T
EXTRA! EXTRA!
Shakespeare spoof receives critical acclaim! Follow-up promised for next
episode, says gullible author! That's right folks, look out for it this
Wednesday! But for now, bust your gut with
___ ___ __ __ ___
/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__
/ \ /__/ /__ / \ / \/ /__ \/ \/ ___/
Heavy-metal band Megabogue are being sued for allegedly having subliminal
messages in their latest hit "Why Don't U Come And Suk On My Torpedo Of Love,
Baby?" from the forthcoming "Abbey Bogue" album. When played normally even the
lyrics are completely incomprehensible.
But former Megabogue fan the Reverend Skilbey claims that when the record
is played backwards at a speed of 58rpm precisely, the following sinister
messages can be heard:
"God sucks and the devil is a really cool dude."
"Send all your money to PO Box 463, GPO Jamaica now!"
"You're a real f***head - I reckon you should go and kill yourself
right now!"
"Honestly Satanism rules, 'cos all priests are wankers."
"Shit Harry, you shouldn't have said that, they'll take us to court."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WELCOME TO AUTOBANK. PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD.
Hello.
PLEASE ENTER YOUR P.I.N.
We've come with a message from God
PLEASE SELECT FUNCTION
We'd like to share the experience with you
PLEASE SELECT ACCOUNT TYPE
Everyone should hear our message
PLEASE ENTER AMOUNT AND PRESS `OK'
Or the whole of mankind is doomed!
TRANSACTION BEING PROCESSED - PLEASE WAIT
If our message to the world is ignored, all will end up in hell!
REMOVE CASH AND/OR TRANSACTION RECORD
And Lord did say unto his people
WILL YOU BLOODY MORMONS PISS-OFF?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LECTURERS IN NEED OF A FASHION TRANSPLANT APPEAL REPORT
Well, enough money has finally been raised to open a colour co-ordination
workshop at Monash University Caulfield Campus, an area very much in need of
these facilities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To subscribe to this gunk, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We'll be back with our special guest, Mr Macbeth, after a quick Tuesday...
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]