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- **************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
- **********************PARTS ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN******************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
______________________________________________________________________________
Desperation issue
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
_________________ ____________ _____________
! ! ! ! ! !_____________ Part 11
! !____________ !_______!_______! ! 24/9/90
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
*AS SEEN IN VNEWS REC.HUMOR!*
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WHAT ARE YOU READING THIS FOR? THIS IS MEANT TO BE A NON-TEACHING WEEK! GO AWAY
SUDDENLY, THE AUTHOR COULDN'T THINK OF A GOOD PLOT, AND SO DECIDED TO RELEGATE
EPISODE ELEVEN TO BEING EXTREMELY UNFUNNY AND FILLING IT UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S
COMMENTS. WHAT A GREAT IDEA - LET OTHERS DO YOUR WORK! SOUNDS LIKE PSY192 AND
ADM130!
CRITICAL REVIEW:
WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT 'THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES'
(GENUINE QUOTES MOSTLY TAKEN COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT)
- "It was terrific. I thank God that I wore my corset, because I
think my sides have split" - Rowan Atkinson
- " I laughed till no more oxygen was available ..."
- The Mad Scribe
- "I can't really say any of your stories are funny ... I never
asked for them to be mailed to me ... monstrous files ... "
- Tom Wilson
- "Great! Great! Fantastic! Oh, it's so bloody marvellous, it makes
you want to throw up!" - James McCrettin
- "Look forward to the next installment" - Pina Mure
- "I liked it" - Arthur Dent
- "Please CONTINUE this masterpiece!" - Paul Beker, Georgia
Institute of Technology (G.I.T.)
- "This is sick" - Claudia Peralta
- "Dear readers, sorry, but this is the worst episode so far.
This one's about as good as INGRES at the moment. The next
one is better." - Raymond Luxury-Yacht
- "It's getting better all the time" - Paul McCartney
- "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" - Neil Bruckner
- "Absolutely brilliant ... " - Piers Fletcher-Dervish MP
- " ... " - A. Hreb
- "I'm getting a little bored by this ... I have
managed to stay sane ..." - Katherine Ramsay
- "From you, I get the story" - Roger Daltrey
- "I wasn't ENTIRELY unamused." - Lance Lentz
- "The Toxic Custard Workshop is a totally brilliant
piece of literary work." (500 times) - Stuart Healey
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
TOXIC CUSTARD SURVEY#1 Please mail replies to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
1. How many people read your copy of TCWF (including you)?
A. One C. 400,000
B. Two D. None
2. What is your overall opinion of TCWF?
A. Brilliant D. Totally and utterly brilliant
B. Really brilliant E. Totally and utterly brilliant and it
C. Superlatively brilliant craps all over Rocket Roger
3. Name the most primitive species:
A. Lecturer C. Reader of TCWF
B. Author of TCWF D. Slug
4. Would you like to make a huge donation to the author of TCWF?
A. Yes
5. Which do you most prefer?
A. McDonalds C. Pizza Hut
B. Kentucky Fried Chicken D. A nice lively young sheep
NOW EXTRACT THIS SURVEY TO A FILE, EDIT OUT ALL BUT THE WORD "SHEEP",
PRINT OUT THAT WORD, CUT IT OUT AND STICK IT TO YOUR FOREHEAD WITH A RARE
VARIETY OF OUTER-MONGOLIAN SUPERGLUE.
I want to see lots of replies to this survey, and plenty of comments as well.
(That way the next time I run out of ideas I can use them the fob off these
gullible readers again.)
AND IF YOU THINK I'VE GOT PROBLEMS COMING UP WITH NEW JOKES, WHY NOT
CHECK OUT THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKET ROGER.
To subscribe, mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
_______________________________________________________________________________
VX24 USERS' BULLETIN Number 12 - 1/10/90
------------------------------------------
SUBJECT: New Vax Command
DEC have written a new program to make VMS error messages more readable. The
new code, called TRANSLATE, translates the error message into simple English to
aid with debugging and general use of DCL.
To make use of this new facility, the following command is used:
SET TRANSLATE /MODE=(type)
Where "type" is the type of error message you would like. Valid types are
detailed below, with examples.
As an example, suppose while copying a file, an error occurs-:
%COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found
The TRANSLATE utility will change this message to make it easier to read, in
the following ways.
VALID TYPES: SAMPLE OUTPUT:
------------ --------------
feminist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, That chauvinist pig VAX reckons you
don't even know the real filename. Try again, and show
this male pig computer that all wimmin can tell this
computer what to do!
hippy %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Oh no! Oh heavy heavy heavy. The
bad-vibes-ville uncool VAX can't find the file! Oh no,
what are you going to do now?
anarchist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Hey! The git VAX can't find the file!
Right on! Who needs files for copying anyway? Files
represent beauracracy and red tape! Let's take all the
files and stuff them up the computer's collective arse!
medieval %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The lord VAX cannot find thy file,
peasant. Thou shall provide thy full path name again,
lest thy head answers for it!
evangelist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, And yea! God's servant VAX was unable
to find your file. But if you believe in the power of God
evil Satan's forces SHALL put the file back. Donate $3000
to SYSTEM, get down on your knees, and try again.
suicidal %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. That's it, that
command was your life. Now go and kill yourself. But
remember to log out first.
bogan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, F***ing hell, c***! That stupid
mother-f***er of a VAX says it couldn't find the f***ing
file! Maybe it wasn't really called F***ER.TXT;2
pirate %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Required filename not found. So what
the heck, I'll copy the whole directory!
psychologist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The computer's very inner soul has
rejected the concept of 'files' due to a bad experience
when the OS was a lower version number. All influenced,
of course, by the system manager's severe sexual
problems.
python-fan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The file cannot be found! It's NOT
pining - it's passed on! This file is no more! It has
ceased to be! It's expired, and gone to meet it's maker!
This is a late file! It's not there! This is an EX-FILE!
management %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The VAX has initiated a CPU committee
meeting to determine whether or not this file can be
found. DCL will report the results in four weeks.
jargon %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The total number of files retrieved
that are equivalent to the parameter specified in your
previous command is zero!
system-manager %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. Now get really
angry and take it out on the poor pathetic grovelling
little users.
politician %COPY-E-INPFFND, Input file found. There have been no
errors that I am aware of. None at all.
IN THE NEXT VAX USERS' BULLETIN (3/10/90), FIRST OF A TEN PART SERIES
VX24 user Katherine Ramsay tells us how to repair a serial-port, in 132 easy
steps.
Raymond Luxury-Yacht
System Manager, TOX12
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
---------------------
_______________________________________________________________________________
How to disgust people
/ \ / / /\ / / / \ / / /\ /\ /\ FEEDBACK HAS
/\ \/\ \/ /\ \ \ \/ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ /\ \/\ \/_ \ \ BEEN RECEIVED
\ \ \/ \ \/ /\ \ \/ \/ \/ / \ \ \ \ \/ FROM ONLY A FEW
PEOPLE. SO, TO
\ TO RAISE A FEW
\ \ /\ /\ / / \ /\ /\ / / / \ COMPLAINTS.....
\ \/ \ \ \/_ \/_ \/\ \/\ \ \ \/ \/ \ \ \/ \/\ \ Demonic Part 13
\/ \/ \ \ \ \ / \ \/ \ \ \ \/ \/ / * 3/10/90
- ********WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS EPISODE IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY!*********
This later part episode contains foul language and explicit sexual references.
(Now I bet everyone will read it).
INTRODUCING
####### @@@@@@ **** ]]]] %%%%% &&&& ???? > > $$$ !!!
# # # @ * * ] ] % % & & ? ? > > $ !!!
# # # @@@@@@ * ]]]]]] %%%%% & & ? > > $$$ !!!
# # # @ * ** ] ] % % & & ? ?? > > $
# # # @@@@@@ ***** ] ] %%%%% &&&& ????? >>>> $$$ !!!
THE WORLD'S LEAST KNOWN AND LEAST LOVED HEAVY METAL BAND.
Weeze at Megabogue are comin up wiv a new all bum, called "Abbey Bogue". So
weeze all had a groop confa rence, an Slasher (the intellectal of the ban)
decided we shud do sum more sons, and shud send along some fotoes for the
allbum cova.
Followin is a brief intro and summmary of the memers of the ban-:
SLASHER RISTS - the intellectual of the ban (heese got an IQ of over
50) - and the drummer (that's puttin all his intelectt too good use.)
BONK MEE - poet and lyriciss of the ban. Sum of his proze appars in dis
letter, witch only gose to demonsate his abilitee. He plays base (because its
only got 4 strings) and shouts allot.
HARRY "HEADBANGER" WALL - Ace leed guitarist with Megabogue. His
alltime guitar influences are: John Bonham, Keith Moon, Charlie Watts, and
Ringo Starr. He allso rights sum of the lovely wistfulll, lilting melodys, such
as that haunting ballad "Why don't u come and suk on my torpedo of love, baby?"
VIMMY "THE THORN" HALEN - Skilful rithm guitariss of Megabogue, whoose
rithms have been likened to that of a Jak-hammor. Wunce wanted to be Anguss
Yung but didnt hab the necesery skil, and besides, heed burnt his old skool
uniform.
Megabogue's lilting melodies portray their iconoclastic view on the
current state of society and humanity's place within. Their meaningful and
surrealistic lyrics bypass the usual conventional restrictions of rhyming and
portraying obseletist ideals of melodic structure.
(RIP ORF-SEVERELY)
(Our manager rote that, but we don't
like it, cos we dont understaand it, but we
don't wont to effend anyone).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MEGABOGUE'S NEW ALBUM, "ABBEY BOGUE", IS ON THE "LABEL" LABEL.
NOW, HERE ARE THE WORDS TO THE MEGABOGUE HIT SONG, THE HAUNTING BALLAD "WHY
DON'T U COME AND SUK ON MY TORPEDO OF LOVE, BABY?" BE WARNED, THIS WILL
PROBABLY DISGUST YOU.
VERSE 1:
Arggggh
I am like a submarine
'Cos I got a f***in' huge torpedo
I am like a submarine
'Cos I got a f***in' huge torpedo
CHORUS:
Why don't you, why don't you, why don't you
Come and suk, come and suk, come and suk
On my torpedo ... torpedo ... torpedo
Of love, baby?
VERSE 2:
I am a submarine
And you are an enemy ship
'cos the f***in' torpedo's going right in ya
And you're gonna explode
CHORUS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, if we have any readers left after that completely and utterly disgusting
display of text, part fourteen will be out on Monday 8th of October.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
APOLOGY:
We really must apologise for the publication of the lyrics above, but if the
only way to encourage reader feedback is to disgust them, then so be it. So
you'd better send complaints now, to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
_______________________________________________________________________________
Let us pray.
THIS WEEK'S READING IS FROM THE BOOK OF TOXIC, CHAPTER 14.
1 The holy users of the Lord Vax did loggeth on. And they did see the horror of
the monstrosity that had appeared in their directories. Yea, it was fourteenth
part of the holy Toxic Custard Workshop Files. TOXIC 14:1
2 And the users did despair, for their directory quotas had filled up with this
crap. For most of them were lowly first-years, and had but five hundred of the
blocks. TOXIC 14:2
3 And the second years did laugh, for they did know, not that they wanted to
crow about it or anything, that they had seven thousand of the blocks available
to them. TOXIC 14:3
4 But they did despair, when they checked their budgets, and did findeth that
all the hooning around on News and with Mail had diminished the holy figure of
logtime. TOXIC 14:4
5 Meanwhile, the author of the holy book of Toxic did weep, for he had run out
of jokes, and had to resort to Biblical scripture once more. TOXIC 14:5
6 And yea! He did racketh his brains for new and funny ideas. But he didn't
come up with any, so he resorted to... TOXIC 14:6
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - A-N-D- -N-O-W- -F-O-R- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE _ _ _ _ _ _ _
~|~ /\ \/ | / /\ | | \. _|_ |_| !_) /\ |\ | | !\! / {_ / \ !\|
| \/ /\ | \_ \_ |_| _| | / \ ! \ /__) |/ \_/ ! ! \_] {_ \_/ ! |
- - - - - - - - - - - - L-E-V-E-L- - -F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The party made their way slowly down the corridor. Leading was Raftor the
Brave, followed closely by Roder the dwarf. Bringing up the rear were the
wizard Pyhus and Felonius, the group's thief. They came to a door, which marked
the end of the corridor. Raftor tried the door; it was locked. Felonius got out
his tools and went to work on the door, while Roder and Pyhus kept a look out.
Signalling that the door was now unlocked, Felonius nodded. Raftor kicked down
the door and burst into the room with sword at the ready, the others closely
following.
From the light given off by the wizard's magic lantern, Raftor made out the
shapes of five goblins with daggers at the ready, attacking.
Suddenly, a booming voice said "Roll for initiative!" and two giant dice
came tumbling down squashing Felonius and two goblins. The party of adventurers
had gained initiative, and Raftor attacked first. A huge twenty-sided die came
crashing down in the corner flattening the remaining goblins. As the remainder
of the party gathered around the crumpled body of the fallen thief, two giant
hands descended, and grabbed the huge dice. The booming voice spoke out once
more: "That's enough for this session. See you all on Wednesday."
AND NOW FOR THE NAZI-NEWS WEATHER FORECAST FOR MONDAY THE EIGHTH OF OCTOBER.
Seig heil! And now, here is your racially pure forecast for superior German
areas of occupation! In the concentration-camps, there will be heavy
anti-semitism, with many executions in the later part of the afternoon. On the
Eastern front, there will anti-Russian feeling amongst the troops, blowing over
to heavy bayonetting tomorrow. Around Dresden, there will be heavy falls of
schweinhund Allied bombs most of the day. And finally, here in inner Berlin,
the anger of the Fuhrer will rise, with a low tonight of frustrated murmurs up
to a high tomorrow of carpet digestion.
Raftor the Brave went on to change his name to Roger the Sexist, and star in
ROCKET ROGER, available now for only four-hundred million dollars from
rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu. Hey, that makes it cheaper than a complete D&D set!
_______________________________________________________________________________
AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
We regret to announce that God ran out of
money last Saturday, and that due to this,
all non-essential services will close-down
from midnight Thursday Morning. These
include your local sun; which means that
all life on Earth will cease to exist.
Although a resolution for extra funding is
being worked out, no guarantee that life
will continue can be made.
The Management
BUT HEY, CHEER UP! IT'S
___ _ _
|OXIC |_USTARD |_|_|ORKSHOP |-ILES
PART 15 10/10/90
WRITTEN BY RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT
(cue theme music)
|
_________________________________|___|________________________________________
__**________|\_______|\______|___|___|___**___|________|__|___**_______|______
__|____**___|___|\___|___|\__|___|__**___|____|___|\___|__|___|___**___|______
__|____|___**___|___**___|___|__**______\|___**___|___**__|___|___|___**___|__
_______|_______**_______**___|___________________**_______|_______|_______**__
And now it's time for the Tox-ic Cust-ard Work-shop It's Brill-i-ant!
___ ___ __ __ ___
/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__ ISSUE 15
/ \ /__/ /__ / \ / \/ /__ \/ \/ ___/ 10/10/90
AMPUTATION FOR MEGABOGUE DRUMMER!
Ace Megabogue drummer Slasher Rists was injured last night in a 95 car
pile up, which left him in serious condition in hospital. Doctors this morning
were forced to amputate his legs and arms.
A spokesman has said that Slasher will be continuing with the band. "He
will bang the drums with his head, and other appendages", he said.
Megabogue guitarist Bonk Mee commented on the situation. "Yeah, we don't
mind him continuing to bang... if he uses his head, it only enhances our image
as a bunch of headbangers."
Vimmy Halen, the artistic member of the group would not comment, and all
Harry Wall would say to waiting reporters was "Why don't you all just f***
off", before assaulting three photographers and a TV news crew with a kitchen
knife and an armoured-car.
--M-E-G-A-B-O-G-U-E--------F-E-A-T-U-R-E---------------------------------------
HERE FOLLOWS AN EDITED TRANSCRIPT OF DIALOGUE AT A MEGABOGUE REHEARSAL SESSION.
MEGABOGUE, LIKE MOST HEAVY-METAL BANDS HAVE VERY LOW IQs, WEAR EXTREMELY STUPID
TROUSERS, AND SWEAR A LOT. ANYONE WHO WANTS THE UNEXPURGATED VERSION FILL IN
THE *'S YOURSELF.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<The scene: a field with fairly large loudspeakers>
BONK: What I want to know is, what the f*** are we doin' here?
VIMMY: Yeah!
SLASHER: Well, what the f***'s it look like, c***?
[Bonk and Vimmy look around at the speakers and guitars slowly.]
BONK: No f***in' idea.
VIMMY: Dunno.
HARRY: We're f***in' here to play a f***in' song, c***!
[Bonk looks around him again.]
BONK: You f***in' sure?
SLASHER: Yeah, we f***in' are!
BONK: Why?
HARRY: 'Cos we're a f***in' rock band, aren't we!
BONK: (incredulous) Are we?
SLASHER: Oh shit, let's just f***in' play.
BONK: Oh okay.
[Bonk rushes over, grabs a guitar and starts violently playing (bogan
style). But the amplifiers aren't on, and no sound comes out. He looks
puzzled, but the rest of the band get their instruments and turn on
the amps.]
HARRY: Do we need to tune up? Nah - we did that last week. Right, yer
f***in' ready? 4 3 2 1
[As soon as the first note is struck, both speakers explode. When the
smoke clears, all four band members are left on the ground.]
VIMMY: F***in' hell. Power chords, man.
HARRY: Yeah. F***in' heavy metal mass destruction!
BONK: How the f*** are we gonna play with no speakers?
SLASHER: Dunno, but at least we don't need no more f***in' roadies.
Want to see the great cover of Megabogue's new album "Abbey Bogue"? And you
could meet ace-Megabogue drummer Slasher Rists! Just ask Raymond Luxury-Yacht!
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]