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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #110 |
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs 09: -
"Teach Me to be Happy"
by Hairy
hypnotized stares
piercing
into
into
insubordination
took some time off
absent without leave,
so to speak
this sickness always stays
gristle
lips that won't work
how are you?
why?
why am i here..
in this swine?
abysmal time
do you fear?
fear the future
like i do?
stale poetry
rooted in drink
intoxication and escapism
mirror my soul
disintegrating reflections
bad posture
weak smile
"tell me
tell me
what am i doing here?"
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nothing to say
nothing to do
"you're beautiful,"
they keep telling me
when will i believe?
maybe when someone foreign recognizes it
some beast
i've not yet tamed
i'm not beautiful
lovely
pretty
or anything inbetween
i'm just stale expanse
dead weight
change me
correct me
fill this void
make me something worthwhile
something tangible
something
anything
just
just
take me away from myself
from all this grief
"teach me to be happy"
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my hand is healing. yay. your tongue is probably healing much faster, but i'm
going to try and not be jealous about that. everyone responds with the same
stupid, "didn't that hurt" response. of course it fucking hurt, you asshole.
i mean, how can you poke a large piece of stainless steel through yourself
without it hurting a smidge?
i'm standing at work and jill's presence is annoying me again..
while we're trading interesting facts, i only write to you, period. nobody
else is interesting (or should that be read, "intelligent"?) enough to write
to. besides, i've kind of gotten used to you. i'd hate to go back through all
that "getting to know someone" nonsense.
i'm going to siouxsie with nancy, so i'd better see you there. i don't care
what sort of strings you have to pull, i will see you there, or else. i want
a hug, so.. so there.
i've only driven up to see nancy maybe four times in the past month. it's an
annoying drive, and she never lets me leave. i've thought about driving over
to visit you for awhile, but it's really out of the way. i'd end up driving
45 minutes south of her to get on 287, and then off to you. i should look at
a map some day and find a quicker route, i'm sure there is one.
july 27th, yes. i forgot your birthday, too, so don't feel bad or anything. i
could dig back through all those letters and find it, but i figured i'd just
ask again..
la, la, la. joy division at work. how.. cheerful.
hope your mother didn't give you hell over the tongue. my parents seem fairly
accepting. they looked at my hand, told me how disgusting it was, and then
told me all about how it was my body and how i could mangle it however i saw
fit.
nancy and i have never "made love". well, atleast not in my observation.
we've "fucked", because fucking is cold and meaningless. we've maybe "had
sex" a few times, assuming sex is a step up from ""fucking". we're not very
sexually compatible, i don't think. maybe we'll work at it, who knows. who
cares?
jill and i, now.. that was "compatible".. (sob, sob.)
tom is 24 and he's a bigger baby than i am. sorry, i don't know him very
well, but just from observation.. the guy needs to grow up. his whole life is
stuck in that "high school gossip" stage, and it's bothering the shit out of
me. i'm above all this "he said, she said" trash, and i'm tired of him
dragging me down into it. i already feel like there are a million pairs of
eyes staring at me when i go out at night, i don't need to stand there and
wonder what tom has told all of those people about me.
actually, i guess i should rather enjoy it. he's probably giving me more of a
mysterious air. but, i hate people. waaaaaaaaaaaaaa. all these conflicts in
my life..
this isn't much of a letter, i'm sorry.
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hello -
nancy doesn't read your letters, don't worry. she read a bit that i showed
her, and nothing more..
she's not that kind of a person.
hello -
my parents just "got rid" of our cat. what this means is that the animal
we've lived with (and loved) for two years is now on "death row" in a pound
somewhere. thanks, folks, i didn't even get a say in the matter.. thanks,
folks, i didn't even get a chance to say "bye"..
hello -
i'm sitting at work on my day off typing things at you.
hello -
hand is healing well.
hello -
nancy & i don't hate each other or anything. we're fairly affectionate. it's
just that we had both forgotten what concerts were like, and the siouxsie
show wasn't terribly enjoyable. too hot, too crowded, too nasty. too
overpriced. too many "straights". too many rude people.
not to say it was all bad or anything, but i don't get very excited about..
well, anything. seeing siouxsie swing her chest (were those real?) around
stage didn't really make me swoon.. (i could have sworn she was flatchested
at one point in her life..)
hello -
maybe someday we can get together and do something, sure.
teli was a virgin for some twenty years before the spanish 'encounter' at the
limelight.
there are things i should be doing besides this, but i don't care enough to
do them.
we didn't go to the bank that friday after the show, we went back to her
house and slept.
the following saturday, though, we did go out to the batcave. (first time i'd
been there.) we drank about $40, and had a merry old time. nancy met some
stripper called "keisha hell" and 'put the moves' on her. i ended up meeting
somebody named "laura mccutchen" who works the coat check there. she grew up
around here, and i met her through some mutual friend. strange to see another
goth from the sticks.. she's going to some art school in the city, so i guess
she's evolved out of this place.
this font annoys me.
i don't write by hand because it's ugly, it takes too long, and it gives my
hand cramps.
not to say this font isn't ugly, but at least it's consistent.
hello -
the bank isn't that bad, it's just tom and all of his "lil' buddies" that put
me off on the place now.
we're probably going to some new joint called "east berlin" this friday. they
were handing out passes at the siouxsie show.. something tells me it's going
to be a really cheesy bar, but who knows.
hello -
thanks for the hug.
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drunk in a strange place
eye watching me
eyes
eyes
feel it
feel that
escape
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name_____________________
multiple choice. please circle your answer.
1. m hasn't written because..
a.) she has finals and is very busy.
b.) justin has offended her unknowingly.
c.) chet is around and she's basking in love & joy.
2. justin hasn't written until now because..
a.) he's been busy.
b.) he's been thoughtless.
c.) he's been going out to clubs and drinking too much.
3. nancy and justin will most probably..
a.) break up and hate each other.
b.) break up and be somewhat friendly.
c.) all of the above. (?!?)
4. justin will read that "incredible lightness of being" book..
a.) next week.
b.) next month.
c.) next year.
5. jill annoys justin..
a.) sometimes.
b.) all the time.
c.) so much he wants to hurl her off a great big fucking cliff and
watch her twisted mutilated carcass careen into trees and
outcroppings during its slow and agonizing decent into a swirling
river of piss.
d.) (other, please explain.)___________________________________________
6. justin met someone this past tuesday who..
a.) looked just like m from across the balcony of the limelight, but
obviously wasn't when he got close enough to see.
b.) was a complete airhead.
c.) was less than 17 years old.
7. the limelight is..
a.) overpriced for admission.
b.) overpriced for drinks.
c.) installing tackier and tackier decorations.
d.) painting the walls white (!) and putting goth in that quiet
little room down by the coatcheck, where is just DOES NOT belong.
e.) all of the above. 8. justin is..
a.) at work.
b.) bored.
c.) broke.
d.) in debt.
e.) fed up with his job.
f.) thinking about applying to stevens, getting lots of financial
aid, studying something he doesn't care about, living on campus,
joining a frat, and having keg parties.
9. in the past two weeks or so, justin has met..
a.) natalie.
b.) laura.
c.) kate.
d.) tracy.
e.) that russian girl, the one he forgot to get the name of.
10. of the above, justin is interested in..
a.) none of the above.
b.) none of the above.
c.) even less than none of the above.
11. this test is..
a.) long-winded.
b.) tedious.
c.) a welcome change from all that shitty "i'm so miserable" poetry
that justin writes when he's sitting around in a stupor.
12. "east berlin" @ robots on ave.b is..
a.) small.
b.) comfortable.
c.) climate controlled.
d.) free before 11pm on fridays.
e.) home of dj patrick, and other people who play decent things.
f.) hopefully not the new hangout spot for tom & co.
13. m is..
a.) amused at this new and interesting form of communication.
b.) worried about her score.
c.) making little snorty noises because she's laughing so hard.
d.) contemplating suicide to escape this new and grueling form of
torture.
14. essay question.
on a sperate sheet of paper,describe in detail the past fourteen days
of your life. leave no aspect of this time unmentioned. when
completed, return for scoring to: hairy@pms.metronj.org
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another entertaining day
the world whirls around
and around
in some mythical haze
i don't even know what day it is
day it was
what difference would it make
more stale bloated memories
more dead flesh in the dark
hey
hey
where'd that girl go?
the other
the one i killed
extinguished in snarls
and glares of hate
what have you done to her?
what have you done to her?
blurred by smoke and emotion
no clue
no hope
no desire
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when you live day to day, nothing matters. everything you're experiencing
now will be nothing more than stale, bloated memory, grayed out by the
emotionless decay of time. images hashed to bits within a few blinks - soon
forgotten, soon meaningless. love, hate, pain, pleasure.. all forgotten soon
enough. the reality of "now" is completely empty, completely absurd. you'll
close your eyes and stare back at all of the things that used to be so
important, and you won't even care. living will become a cycle of eating,
sleeping, filling the conscious hours however possible.
"i wonder how to kill the hours.."
you can replay fragmented dreams of delirium, hopeless escapes into happiness,
but in the end you will know - this is all superficial, this is all
unimportant. it did happen, it might have happened, it never happened. what
difference does it make? bulk storage capacity yields no emotional response.
pick and choose between frayed bits of dreams, strands of a long-forgotten
reality that you hold dear.
"i close my eyes, i realize, i have become quite tranquilized."
life will be a drug induced haze - - acid dreams and the haunting memories.
life will cease to be life. it will devolve into performance for those
lesser-than, those lacking in vision. those with a vision of time unlike
your own. to them, this is really happening. to them, it makes some sort of
a difference. they don't realize, they fail to comprehend. this is
hallucination, nothing more. you will cease to feel, you will cease to care.
it's the only way.
"who knows, who cares, who'll remember anyway?"
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life in an alcohol haze
stale pinched bitterness
my own private void
can't remember
closeness
can't remember
infatuation
vomited souls emerging
evil
evil
giggling hell
"see me
feel me
touch me
heal me"
big words lacking meaning
tired, worn out phrases
numbing isolation
depression
ad nauseam
just shut up and fuck
shut up and fuck
shut up and fuck
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pseudo-intellectual bullshit poetry
empty verses kept alive on hot air
trying to live up to aspirations
missing rungs on the ladder
tripping up
tripping down
down
down
down
alcoholism and regurgitated thoughts
over and over
over and over
some detached strobing puzzle piece
twisting in my head
i can never find the words
never find the meaning
the escape
cold stares
nausea in the morning
where does it end?
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can you see me?
see this frightened little boy
hiding behind tears
false lives
hopeless dreams
see me?
see me crying out from isolation
from this never-ending spiral downwards
everything i've ever known
has washed away
everything i've ever loved
i've butchered
i split apart at the seams
crying out for anyone
anyone
to take this pain away
make me whole again
please
please
just make it stop
a clue
a tool
anything
something to hold on to
please
just one thing
just one
that won't slip away in the dawn
something that won't corrode in the daylight
please
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nancy's doing things to annoy me. i've no idea why, i guess it's just
happening - but it bothers me.
i'd go into details, but i'd rather just put it out of my mind.
took the ring out of my hand. i (apparently?) picked up something heavy, and
the top hole tore a bit. it formed a flap of skin that i could pick up and
look into my hand with. much unpleasantness. lots of bleeding. i let it go
for a week or so to see what it was going to do, and it wasn't getting any
better.
so - out it comes.
<sigh>
met some girl named - hahahahaha - named jill.. although she's more woman than
girl, being 28. she seems a nice person. let's try and be friends, and nothing
more.
got your letter.
got your postcard.
austin certainly doesn't look very "awesome."
blah,
blah,
blah.
not much to say.
my fingernails slow my typing to a fucking crawl.
stole a $1500 computer system (which i'm using now) from teli's college. just
walked in and took it. wheeeeeeeee.
so, i'm a horrible person. what else is new?
i met this new & improved jill (hereafter referred to as jill^2) at the
limelight some weeks ago. actually, teli met her. he was drunk and looking
for girls to annoy. so, he annoyed her. it was closing time, and i went to
fetch him so that i could get the hell out of there. she recognized me from
the bank. how nice. anyway - somehow or other, teli got her e-mail address.
i've no idea how "the information superhighway" came up in their conversation,
but it did. at any rate, she schools at columbia. i got drunk the other night
and wrote her a few pages of filth, sent it to her school's mail address. she
wrote back. etc, etc.
how entertaining this all seems.
what the hell would i do with a 28 year old, anyway? talk about the 70's..?
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repeating meaningless gestures
over and over
around and around
the end result -
emptiness
nothing
this nagging stagnation
bleak
black and
bloated
i glare out from disgrace
blinks and stares
rattling the cage's bars
what's the point
of this action
or that one
or anything?
blank spaces where
memories used to live
erased through alcohol
through the starvation for touch
and the tired search for compassion
there is no end
to this madness
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falling apart again
feeling it washing over me
rushing
like the tide
washing away all feelings
of happiness
joy
worth
everything there is
to hold dear
leaving me empty
barren and scared
barren and scared to death
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