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 |                                                                           |
 |                           There Ain't No Justice                          |
 |                                                                           |
 |                                    #106                                   |
 |                                                                           |
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                       - Going Crazy in the Suburbs 08: -
                        "insist that nothing happened -
                            try to cling to sanity"
                                    by Hairy

yea, i'm at work.. but it's only about 9:30, so things are a little
different, at least.

listening to skinny puppy and feeling not quite as miserable as i did this
morning. i guess i've been flirty with the overweight "i really want to be
goth even though i'm not" girl who works here. no jill today - thank god.

blah, blah, blah.

i was standing here yesterday with jill being a bitch to me. i was not in,
shall we say, a pleasant mood. i was concious of the fact that the alternator
was about to fall off of my car, though, and that i shouldn't go anywhere of
any great distance before fixing it. jill's best friend brenda came to
"visit" and look down her nose at me, which (naturally) made me feel much
better about everything. her friends seem to have some hatred of me, because
i'm taking their precious little angel from them.

anyway -

jill left with brenda after work, which is typical. when there's a choice
between two people, me or someone else, i always end up with the short end.

whatever -

i felt like going out and getting drunk. i felt like drinking many bad things
and writing. i felt like staring at the bartender with the big bleached hair.
i wanted to get so low, so low.. walk up to someone, and tell them something
along the lines of, "i'm drunk, i'm miserable, let's fall in love tonight."

well, it almost happened. i got up to around newark airport before the
alternator completely fell off the fucking car. lots of big mechanical
grinding noises, whining rubber belts.. it was a bad scene. me wearing a
skirt and tailcoat, lots of makeup.. bad, bad, bad. i pulled off at the
nearest exit, which was (supposedly) newark. it turned out to be a "t-n-t"
truck dispatch yard, an overpass, and a seafood restaurant. there was a road
that led to newark, but no sign of intelligent life. i wandered around the
street looking for a gas station or garage - found nothing. i ended up
finding an old pair of workboots, though, and used the boot laces to tie the
alternator back on the car. (yay, ingenuity.) drove the crippled thing back
home at 40 miles an hour.. the joy.. waaa.

i don't know, i don't know what's going on. you should ignore the
poem/prose/freeform nonsense/shit that's after this, because i wrote it when
i was (naturally) drunk, and in a state of emotional disrepair (read:
normality.) i know you have your whole relationship thing, i'm not going to
touch that (as if i could, anyway).

"kept out of sight,
 where i belong"

why'd i give you my phone number when i was completely sober? i don't really
know - maybe i was feeling important and unstopable that night, who knows?
maybe i was trying to pick you up - imagine that.

honestly, all i know is that i was standing in the middle of the floor,
staring up at the stage, and you and your friend pushed by me, heading
towards the back. i looked down to see what the jostling was, and i saw you
staring up into my eyes. there was just something about it, i don't know - i
don't know - i just knew i wanted to meet you. maybe it was those eyes, maybe
they tell stories..

listen to me go - whooo, boy.

i'm freezing to death at the store. the car's outside waiting for it to be
monday. it's a real mess, but not as bad as my other car. this one can almost
be driveable, with minor repairs. not bad for $450, i guess.

i hate my fucking job - i want out of here, i want out of here, i want out of
here. i just realized this the other day, how i loathe most everyone i work
with.. i'm more than willing to steal from the store, something i'd never
even think of before. i just don't care..

read this quote the other day. something like, "life is agony for those who
allow themselves to feel." i don't know why i'm telling you that, but i am.
so there.

here, try this one instead: "it's so hard to find work; all i can do is mope
the floors and depress the buttons."

so, it's not "mister log's sex hat," but it should still be good for a laugh.
oh, and if you don't have a mister log? then i guess it's a "mister twig".. i
don't know, i just relay this shit to you.

i've found lots of pretty digitized pictures to use as background. how nice.

being i've run out of things to say (and mainly because i found a pretty
black box), i've started throwing stupid little trinkets together to give to
you. they're useless things, mind you.

of course, i guess you know all about this by now, seeing as how i'm going to
put this letter in the pretty little black box with the trinkets.

anyway - some of them have a little hidden symbolism, most of them don't.
it's probably not too hard to figure out. little black heart.. i mean, we're
not little children, are we? no..



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ok - i'm at work and i'm incredibly bored (and cold). so i'm going to catalog
all these wonderful gifts and their origins and everything. it'll be just
like a history lesson. oooh!

-> siouxsie and the banshees new album review
        nothing important here, just found it in the back of "spin" and
thought it was  funny.

-> "jesus loves you" yo-yo
        half tripped over it two years ago while walking along the side of
the road. sat   in my drawer for the    entire time i've owned it.
still haven't put a string on it.

-> worry bag (little grey pouch with the string)
        something my mother picked up in virginia, i think. if you open it,
it's got little         people in it. you're supposed to take all the people
out, and give them each one     of your worries. then you're supposed to
        put the bag under your pillow and       go to sleep.

-> "i'm so miserable since you've gone.." ad
        found it in "spin", too. reminds me of jill. a lot. maybe i should
keep it for     myself.

-> kid with man head flyer
        i get this shit all the time. i don't know why. they're a shitty
little pearl jam        wanna-be band. cute little story, tho.

-> picture of the meat isle at grand union
        i used to go out to supermarkets at those "ungodly" hours and take
photos. i       don't know why, but it was      something to do. i've
grown out of it.

-> picture with a lot of white at the top
        that's me. the whiteness is my crisp white t-shirt.     the
blueness underneath it  is - you guessed it - my gap jeans. and then
there's my feet.. muahahaha.. this      is an old photo, when i wasn't fat
and dark-haired.

-> "the video dugout" laminated business card
        when i was a sophomore, a college girl came in and taught our english
class   for a few months. she's the     only person in my entire
school who could        comprehend what i was about. we sat and had long
talks, she made me      realize i wasn't the only miserable freak in the
world.

-> allstate insurance card
        self-explanatory..?

-> "hello - my name is" sticker
        i stole this out of the supply room when i was in       eighth
grade, but i never used it. i never used any of         them. god knows why i
took them in the first place.

-> one official "gap" extra button
        just in case.. you know..

-> shoprite i.d. badge
        my first "real" job, which was forced upon me after i received a
hefty nine hundred dollar fine for my first "real" crime.

-> peppermint of dubious origin
        it's been on my dresser for months. i'm tired of looking at it.



-> two ticket stubs
        found them in the pocket of my tailcoat after i bought it. i didn't
realize the     coat was so old.

-> "i'm with stupid" button
        no emotional attachment that i can think of.

-> assorted black plastic critters
        more things i'm tired of looking at.

-> little electronic thing-a-ma-jig
        well, ok. go to radio shack and buy a "pocket tone      dialer".
business types use      them to store their phone numbers. take it apart,
and unsolder the similar        looking electronic thing-a-ma-jig inside,
and replace     it with this one. turn  it on. press the "*" key
five times. ever put a quarter in the telephone and     listen? sounds

        telephone calls..

-> orange squiggly worm
        i went on "vacation" on long beach island a few summers ago, with my
(then)  girlfriend beth. we won this (wow!) at some arcade.

-> three fingernails (do not eat)
        homegrown. pasteurized. homogenized.

-> "i just can't get enough" button
        sounds nice - i'd never wear it.

-> brass colored token with the "t" on it
        from the "t" (subway) in boston. i ventured up there about three
years ago (?)   to meet a girl i had been writing to for a year or so.
melysa. she promptly    moved to oregon and went to reed college, i
never heard from her again. jill        reminded me of her when i
        first met jill, maybe i should've.. well, whatever.

-> three negatives
        look closely. you'll see.. "olga's diner".. a water tower with a
smiley face on it.. a   little monkey holding up a big sign..

-> piece of paper that says "detach"
        stub from a money order. i forgot what i was paying for. i hate
banks, so use   lots of money orders.

-> little plastic gun
        let it litter your drawers, i'm sick of it.

-> soda can ring
        rule number 1: always keep atleast one "free fuck" on hand.

-> little black heart
        no explanation needed.

-> ticket stub to some movie
        i bet you just don't see enough of these as it is.

-> big red "die" sticker
        i like it. you should like it, too.

-> drug mart
        $23 for a little tube of fucking white cream! what a sham. what a
ripoff.

-> weird looking thing with a ring on the end
        this is from my first relationship fuck-up. after awhile, the girl
said i'd "won the       key to her heart". she had this little heart
pendant she always wore. anyway -       she gave me this little skeleton
key (real cheap jewelry) on a   necklace, and i         was supposed to
wear it. well, i broke the fucking thing in two. not once, but  twice.
i love my luck.

bleh.

i feel like shit. i'm still at work. i got miserable as soon as jill came in
- i don't know why. i was in a pretty good mood.

i've met some girl named "nancy" (yow, my mother's name) and i'm going to end
up breaking her heart. she's very sweet, very innocent. i'm going to hurt
her, but i'm probably not going to be big enough to do anything to prevent
it.

it's nice that i met her, though. she's refreshing. very.. real, i guess.
she's not a fashion slave, not some sort of.. let's put it this way: she's
the opposite of brittany.

seventeen, though. really scary. i feel like a dirty old man.

maybe i should duck out of existence for awhile longer.

this letter probably seems rehashed. i didn't plan on talking to you on the
phone. i went off and told you all about the dead car (my one big story) and
flattened the letter. sob, sob.

i haven't read your book. i will, though, i promise.

i keep my promises.

i hate my job, i hate the people i work with. i think i'm going to apply at
some cheesy mailorder computer warehouse down the street. they're open
twenty-four hours a day, maybe i can find a home in the darkness. if i can
get $7 an hour, i 'll do any sick perverted thing you can think of.

i'd be more than happy irradiating myself in the darkness while assembling
computers i can't afford.

la, la, la.

maybe i should close my eyes fall in love with this girl nancy maybe maybe i
should just close my eyes forever

la, la, la.

maybe i'll call you tonight. i'm lonely as hell.


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going crazy at work again.. i can't stand this place. i'm really fed up with
all of it.. the tedium, working with you know who.. waa.

atleast siouxsie is tomorrow.. we (nancy, her friend liz & i) will probably
end up going to either the bank or the batcave after the show.. that should
be refreshing. i've been trying to put an end to going out so often. (partly
because of tom's childishness, partly because i know if i go out i'll end up
meeting other people and.. well, i don't really want to meet anyone else
right now..) so, anyway, it should cap it off pretty well. one last "hoorah"
for a while.

somebody's listening to "it'll end in tears" and it's putting me to sleep.

got another insurance bill today. yay. still owe citibank $1200..

my teeth hurt. they've hurt since the night before last. varying degrees of
agony, but they hurt all the same. very troubling. very annoying.

hand's doing well, but all the dead skin peeling off makes me think that
maybe, just maybe, my body is rejecting it. maybe it's flaking off all the
layers between the surface and the ring. who knows? i can't really tell that
it's moved any, and it seems fairly well healed (it's been three and a half
weeks). no pain, no swelling.. just the regular ooze and the dead skin. mmmm.


i'll go see the piercer on saturday, probably. nancy & i are going to make an
effort to go find "domsey's warehouse" in new york. lots of thrifty used
clothing, supposedly. we'll see, we'll see.

i should go out for food. i should get out of this fucking 3000 square foot
coffin for a little while.

teli got laid. yay teli. you don't know who he is, but that's alright. he's
20, and deathly afraid of disease. he never even masturbated until he was 19.
well, anyway, he met his woman. "woman," because she's 30, divorced, and has
two ten year old children.. go teli, go studboy. he met her at the limelight
a few weeks ago. she doesn't speak english, so he got to flex his spanish
skills. when asked for his opinions of the experience, he said, "i put it in
and thought, 'hey, i like this.'"

::sigh::

i haven't written shit, i haven't done shit. i'm "marking time."

..k-k-k-ken, coming to k-k-k-kill me..

well, this has been another half-stab at a real letter. sorry. i'll include
moderatly interesting filler to try and make up for it.




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                         you don't exist in this house
                         this stroboscopic disillusion

                          stumbling towards emptiness
                              towards the daylight

                                don't lie to me
                             don't play these games

                                  big emotions
                                     (fear)
                                  big thoughts
                                (self-destruct)

                             can't quite understand
                               what you're saying
                                    swaying
                                   to and fro
                                    swaying
                           in and out of conciousness

                              don't leave me here
                           in this corrosive element

                             whenever you're ready
                               just take me away


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                                  grim embers
                                  uncontained
                                 souls on fire
                                  in the dark

                                kiss your crown
                                kiss your glory
                                     master
                                     slave

                            no good deeds done today
                        love saunters off in bitterness

                                       oh
                                 it's you again
                            don't cheat me this time
                               give me all of it
                                   all of it
                                      now
                                   depression
                                   isolation
                                   love loss

                             give me the desolation
                           you know how it drives me
                                     pushes
                                forgotten limits
                               reality of excess

                                disjointed smile
                                 beauty snarls



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                                      hey
                                    hey you
                                can you hear me
                             over there in all that
                               tainted happiness

                                  intoxication
                                 taking control
                                  taking away
                           already fleeting memories

                                      time
                                     space
                                    reality
                                      tick
                                      tick
                                      tick

                                  red alcohol
                                   and bliss
                                  take it away
                                      baby

                                   soft skin
                                    delicate
                                    fragile
                               i'll rape you and
                                  all you know
                                  splinter it
                               take it all apart

                              my breath is poison
                                    kiss me
                                    fuck me
                           let me give you my disease


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                                   lost night
                             lost it in the alcohol
                                  the numbness
                                 the bzzzzzzzz

                        they're finally playing my song
                                    so late
                                    so dark
                                    so what

                                "i need a drink
                               i need a drink now
                      i need to feed these sinking dreams"

                                  it's too bad
                               we can't cooperate
                             participate in unison
                            in the pursuit of bliss

                                my soul got lost
                             lost in the departure
                           lost in the disentigration

                           strobes against the touch
                                 flashing skin
                                    coldness

                                 lack of words
                              lack of thoughts and
                                    feelings

                           crept away into something
                          something i can't comprehend
                                  not anymore
                                  no reasoning
                                    no more

                                salvation lives
                             in a five dollar glass
                                    plus tip
                                 plus tip, baby

                            refridgerated landscapes
                                my silent vigil
                                  over nothing
                                  frozen waste

                               close it all down
                                  turn the key
                                  stale ashes

                                can you feel it?
                              can you feel it yet?
                                that's my heart
                                    darling
                              caving in on itself



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                                     saw me
                                saw me, did you?
                            wonder just what you saw
                         what registered in those eyes

                                   beautiful?
                                  beautiful..
                                     mmmmm
                                 what a charmer
                               what a sweetheart
                              you just wait, dear
                                 you just wait
                                 i'm no beauty
                                 i'm just waste
                              rotten rotten waste
                                  not anything
                                    anything
                             you'd want to look at

                                   by the way
                                   by the way
                                 i'm very happy
                                what do you mean
                                you can't tell?



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                              try and be sensible
                                  in the dark
                                     flesh
                             legs and other things
                                      look
                              look but don't touch

                                rotten emotions
                              plastic surroundings

                                  make me feel
                               make me feel again

                          surprised i haven't wretched
                            heaved up those feelings
                                   of despair
                                    of anger
                                 of intolerance

                                  dance for me
                                twist and writhe
                             beneath the lights and
                               my weighted stares

                              eat you alive, baby
                                 eat you alive



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                                here i am again
                       not particularly drunk or unhappy
                              listening to things
                             life shifts around me



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                                  she makes me
                                       so
                                       so
                                  fucking sick

                                 don't know why
                              something about her
                                    laughing
                                      her
                                    mocking
                                      her
                            fucking orange hair - -

                                  just go away
                                      baby
                                    just go
                                  away from me



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                                 nothing to say
                           just soap opera lifestyles
                                  just nothing

                                quoth the raven,
                            "you need some melanin,
                                      man
                         you paler than a motherfuck."

                                 i love my job.
                                 i love my job.
                                 i love my job.



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i'm at work on a monday. mondays are supposed to be my days off. i'm here
anyway. the boss just bought a new house, and he's shuffled the regular guy
off to rip up the deck on the house. thus, i get to work.

nancy and i are happy, most of the time. she's suicidal. really, she's got
scars all over her arms -  - what a gal. anyway, she understands me to some
degree, so i can't complain about anything.

jill bothers me. jill's very fucking existence bothers me. i love her (in a
now friendly.. or maybe fatherly way) but at the same time i hate her, hate
every bit of her.

needless to say, i'm on the lookout for a new and exciting career
opportunity.

nancy and i seem to go "clubbing" together now, or atleast most nights, so
nothing productive ever gets written when i'm out. she really does make me
happy, but i'm sure that will fade soon enough.

doesn't everything?

mmm.

nothing much to say, really. just got your letter. you seem as bored as i am.

i ran over a guy on a motorcycle. dumb fucker. he deserved it. twisted his
bike all to pieces. he should look for oncoming traffic before he decides to
zoom out of the gas station..

so i get twenty eight pieces of mail a day, most all of them from the
insurance companies..

jill's hair is.. well, it reminds me of the color your anus becomes when it
gets very inflamed.. it appalls me to look at her.

we (nancy & i) are off to boston this weekend. i'm going to be very arrogant
at manray and see if i can get hit on. fun, fun, fun.

more than likely, we'll just lay around some hotel room for three days and
have lots of sex.

tell me - tell me, why is it that the girls i get involved with, they can't
have orgasms? eh? why..? and they're all italians, too. why is that, eh?

nancy's previous boyfriend was a guy named tom. tom didn't take the whole
"breaking up" process too well. he goes out all the time, too, so we get this
great little bit of nastiness most nights.

here's a fun story, though. tom feels that i "stole" nancy away from him.
that's fine and good. so, tom gets a whammy.

it's been about a month or so now, and he's starting to get ahold of himself
again. he met some girl named "kate" at the bank a week or so ago, and was
supposed to meet her there this past friday.

i went out friday, wearing my $150 black corset. wheeeeee.

anyway, kate (who i didn't know anything about at the time) kept staring at
me. tom and i talked later, he explained how he didn't hate me personally,
just that.. well, this part is obvious. generic soap opera drivel.

anyhow.. kate sees us talking, and she's all over tom, grilling him for
information about *me*. "he's so beautiful.." she swooned.

so, tom gets the double-whammy from me.

i feel bad for him, really. he's a sweet guy. he's a pussywhipped asskisser,
but he's still a sweet guy.

blah, blah, blah.

it doesn't rain, it pours.

i've got jill, nancy, kate, some girl i met friday named laura, another laura
from around my general area, yvonne, beth.. i feel like i should be issuing
numbers. who cares. i don't want any of them. fuck them. i'm happy with
nancy, we'll see how things go.

la, la, la.

i'm bored and i hate my job.

hey, let's have sex.

whatever. justin.



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so, you like letters, eh?

here's the story: friday night, nancy & i drove to boston. however, we missed
a crucial turn, and ended up driving to within 75 miles of montreal before we
realized our error. fun, fun, fun. it took us a total of about 7 1/2 hours to
get to boston, finally. we got all decked out and went to manray, only to
discover that it was one of those alternating "21 and over" fridays. we went
to burger king and sulked. we went back to the motel and fucked. etc..

saturday morning, we got up and ventured into the city for amusement. we
found little. the people were all so damned nice.. it made us both
uncomfortable. together, we're about as cynical and sarcastic as it's
possible to be, and all that damned nicety.. it was just too much. we went
back to the motel, fucked, went back to sleep.

late that evening, we got up and tried for manray again, even though it was
the "retro 80's dance party". we looked like hell. and the club sucked. we
went back to the motel..

sunday we drove back to her house in ridgewood, to discover my car had a flat
tire. still, seeking fun, we drove into the city and got my right hand
pierced at andromeda. ouch! - but i'm enjoying my new toy. "nevermind the
tire," we thought, "we'll deal with that later." we drove back to my house,
snuggled, slept..

monday afternoon we trekked out to sizzler for that snazzy salad bar. between
trips to the jello bowl, we tried to think of something to do. we ended up
driving to philadelphia, being utterly bored and tired, and promptly driving
back to my house..

at about 5am on tuesday morning, we got up and drove back to her house. she
attended school, while i loafed around with one useless limb. i ended up
changing my tire with my one good hand, going to barnes & noble for a few
hours.. she came back from school, more snuggling, some sticky candy.. i
left, drove home, went back to sleep.

i don't remember wednesday, even though that was yesterday..?

today's thursday, and i'm at work again. my hand is working much better, even
though it still doesn't bend all the ways it once did.

oh, i remember wednesday.. that was the day when i had to go down to the
police station for questioning. it seems two houses in my general area had
been burglarized, and some women's clothing was taken. well - i was recently
stopped in north  jersey by a nice officer, while i was coming home from the
bank. i was terribly uncomfortable, and i had stripped my skirt and corset
off and thrown them in the seat beside me. the officer (a real
straight-laced, apple pie kind of joe) tried to think up different ways to
ask me if i had been doing any narcotics recently..

anyway, because there were some women's clothes in the car, and because i
live so close to the victim's houses.. you get the picture. so, anyway, i had
to creep down to the police department, armed with 'ghastly' and 'propaganda'
backissues to support my lifestyle.. fun, fun, fun.

nothing else has been happening.

really - honest.

this is a little bit of the "telephone" game, but.. tom told nancy, and nancy
told me.. that tom felt christine (i guess that was her name?) and you were
both hitting on him. i told her that i doubted you'd be doing that sort of
thing, but anyway..

my life is one big soap opera lately. waaaa.

i'm at work and jill's playing "screamin' jay hawkins". make it stop, make it
stop.

i owe everyone in the world money, because i've been going nuts lately. $1100
on the credit card, $13 parking ticket, $70 on the "tab" at work, $120 for
the car insurance, $20 for the phone.. and get this.. $140 and two warrants
for my arrest because i neglected to pay two tickets. "failure to inspect my
vehicle" and "failure to put the front license plate on".
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

all that money, and i've got this burning urge to go buy a $250 pair of thigh
high women's boots for myself (not those silly patent leather stiletto jobs,
either.. nice ones) and a $1000 '69 chevy nova. black with lots of chrome..

ironically, the only suggestion the spelling check has for "manray" is
"manure".  heee-heee-heee.



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???????????          Phoenix Modernz Systems: 908/830-TANJ          ???????????
????????????             VapourWare BBS: 61/3-429-8510             ????????????
????????????            underworld_1995.com 514/683-1894           ????????????
???????????                 RipCo ][: 312/528-5020                  ???????????
?????????                   etext.archive.etext.org                   ?????????
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