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                  - A Parody of Star Trek:The Next Generation -
                                 by Mr. Wizzard


Date: Stardate 4295.423253434343434343434343

Time: Time is irrelevant in space

Scene: Picard and Data are in the Turbo-Lift heading to the
        bridge.


Picard: Data, we're on route to Nebulis III. This is a very
          important assignment. Do you know the meaning of
          this?

Data: This - (this) pron., pl. these [ME. this, thes < OE.
       thes, masc., this, neut. < base of demonstrative
       pron.: see THAT]  1. the person or thing mentioned or
       understood [this is John, this tastes good]  2. the
       thing that is nearer than another referred to as
       "that" [this is larger than that]  3. the less remote
       in thought of two contrasted things [of the two
       possibilities, this is more likely than that]  4. the
       fact, idea, etc. that is being, or is about to be,
       mentioned, presented, etc. [this convinces us, now
       hear this] ???adj., pl. these  1. designating the
       person or thing mentioned or understood [this man was
       John, this pie tastes good]  2. designating the thing
       that is nearer than the one referred to as "that"
       [this desk is smaller than that one]  3. designating
       the less remote in thought of two contrasted things
       [of the two, this possibility is more likely than
       that]  4. designating something that is being, or is
       about to be, mentioned, presented, etc. [hear this
       song, this fact will convince you]  5. [Colloq.]
       designating  a particular but unspecified person or
       thing [there's this lady in Iowa] ??adv. to this
       extent; so [it was this big]

Picard: That's not what I meant. I meant do you know the
          importance of your mission?

Data: Indeed Sir I do! I am to teach the Nebulains how to
       use the supplies we are giving them, otherwise the
       people might die.

(Both exit the turbo-lift and step on to the bridge in their positions)

Worf: Sensors are picking up an unidentified object off the
       starboard bow.

Picard: All stations red alert.



Picard: Du du du, space the final frontier. These are the
          voyages of the starship, Enterprise on its
          continuing mission to explore strange new worlds
          and seek out new civilizations. To boldly go where
          no one has gone before. Oh cut the crap, everyone
          knows that we always go to the same old stupid
          places we usually go. Anyway...... Du Du Du Du Du
          Du Du Du.

(All important people except LaForge are on the bridge)

Picard: Open hailing frequencies.

Worf: The object is not responding to our hail.

Data: It appears to be a Scout ship. It appears as if its
       shields are up and its weapons are armed.

Worf: We are being hailed Captain.

Picard: On screen.

Nebulain: I am General Yaka Foma, and I demand you surrender
           your ship at once.

Troi: I sense great hostility behind his voice.

Yaka: I heard that counselor.

Picard: For once in your life, Troi, SHUTUP!!!!!

Troi: This is a Federation vessel, I don't remember shutup
       being one of the orders you can give.

Data: Troi is right, Captain.

Yaka: Can I speak?

Data: Indeed you can, we have already witnessed that, the
       question is will the Captain let you speak.

Yaka: Fine, may I speak?

Picard: Proceed.

Yaka: You must surrender your ship to me at once or prepare
       to die.

Picard: How can a tiny Scout ship destroy the Enterprise,
          the ultimate invention, the ship of all ships.

Yaka: What is this a commercial for the Enterprise? Anyway,
       I have my ways.

Worf: Sir, five Romulan War Birds are decloaking behind the
       Scout ship.

Picard: Go to red alert.

Data: But Sir, we already are at red alert.

Picard: Then go to purple alert or something.

Data: Purple alert, Sir?

Picard: Just forget it.

Data: Fine Sir, red alert cancelled, shields lowering and
       weapons returning to normal.

Picard: Now go to red alert.

Data: But that would be illogical, we just cancelled red
       alert.

Picard: Do it anyway.

Yaka: Yoo Hoo! Anyone home?

Data: That depends on what you define as home. If you mean
       the Enterprise, then yes, otherwise it is impossible
       to determine.

Yaka: Picard, can I shoot that android of yours, Data?

Picard: We have considered that option many times before,
          but we have decided that sometimes he is a valuable
          member of the crew.

Yaka: Of your crew?

Picard: No, actually of the enemy's crew, but that's besides
          the point.

Yaka: I will give you twenty seconds to surrender.

(15 second later)

Picard: Arm phasers, and fire.

Producer: Wait a minute, we can't have a battle.

Picard: Why not?

Producer: Don't you know by now, all the special effects
           money is spent on perfecting the "warp" technique
           and losing people in the transporters.

Picard: Oh, I forgot.

Producer: Try to be more careful from now on.

Picard: Ok.

Gene Roddenberry: Let them have one battle for old times
                   sake.

Yaka: Thank you! Five seconds left Picard.

Picard: Fire torpedos.

Worf: Sir, torpedos are not armed. You said arm the
       phasers.

Picard: Fire phasers.

Data: At What target Sir?

Picard: At the Scout ship.

Worf: Firing, Sir.

Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Pcrecrecllllll!

Data: The Scout ship is destroyed, Sir.

Picard: Fire at all of the Romulans.

Worf: Firing, Sir.

Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Crunch!

Data: The Romulans are hailing us with a message. They said
       they did not appreciate that.

Worf: All Romulans at 95% of maximum.

Data: They are all firing at us.

Sound Effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch!

Picard: Engineering, report.

LaForge: Shields holding, Captain, but they took a bad
          beating.

Picard: Understood.

Data: The Romulans are firing again.

Sound effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch!

LaForge: Engineering to bridge, the warp engine controls are
          out, trying to bypass.

Picard: Acknowledged

Data: The Romulans are hailing us again.

Picard: On screen.

Data: The transmission is only audible.

Picard: Let's hear it.

Yaka: Have you had enough yet, Captain?

Picard: I thought we killed you when we heard
          Pcrecrecllllll, and when the Scout ship was
          destroyed.

Yaka: Nah Nah Na Nah Na! I fooled you.

Data: Transmission ended, Captain.

Picard: What would happen if we tried to warp out of here at
          Warp 10?

Data: Sir, that is unknown. No federation vessel or other
       can travel that fast. As for the Enterprise it can
       travel at Warp 9.9.

Picard: Data, you just gave me an excellent idea. Jordi,
          have all of your research team work on getting the
          impulse engines to fire at the same time as the
          warp engines enabling us to travel at Warp 10.8.

LaForge: Sir, that may cause excessive stretching to the
          secondary hull.

Picard: Come up with a safe way, and then run it through the
          computer. It's our only chance.

LaForge: We'll try, Captain.

(Commercial in the year 3011.90)

Joe Isuzu: Hi, I'm Joe Isuzu, and I want you to by my Isuzu
            Trooper today. It is so much better than
            Toyota's pickup. It only costs $100,000,000,000.
            Toyota costs $130,000,000,000.

(Now back to Star Trek - The Next Generation)



Riker: Are you sure it's a wise decision to have Jordi
        working on such a project.

Troi: Riker, I feel great worry coming from the Captain.

Riker: That's just great, the wimpy run-away Captain is
        worried. Maybe he wants his pacifier.

Picard: Riker, go to your quarters immediately.

Data: Commander Riker cannot report to his quarters at this
       time. As a Senior Member of this crew his battle
       station is this bridge. Being we are in a state of
       red alert, he cannot return to his quarters, he must
       stay at his battle station.

Picard: Fine, stay on the bridge, see if I care.

Worf: A strange beam just hit the Enterprise. It seems to
       be "cutting a hole in the shield."

Picard: Ensign Crusher, is this a serious problem?

Wesley: Unknown at this time Sir.

Data: The beam itself may not be harmful, but if th....

Worf: The Romulans are preparing to fire.

Picard: Oh no, not again.

Riker: Everyone hold on.

Troi: It looks as it is going to hit us, everyone hit the
       deck.

Data: Hit th...

Sound effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch! Pooooowwwwwww!

Picard: Engineering, report.

LaForge: All navigational systems are out, Captain.

Worf: Shields are going down, Captain. They are at 20% of
       maximum. It is as if one Romulan hit us, and another
       used some sort of weapon to drain our shields.

Picard: Data, bypass navigational control.

Data: Yes, Captain, but first I must hit the deck.

Sound effect: Ping!

Data: It appears to be made of metal. What is the purpose
       of hitting the deck?

Picard: Later, Data. Just do what I told you to.

Data: Attempting to bypass all navigational controls.

LaForge: What? Are you crazy? If he bypasses all
          navigational controls, and then we fire the impulse
          engines, we will speed in any direction, of which
          we have no control.

Picard: I think I'll call it the Picard Maneuver.

LaForge: Your giving random movement a name? What if we
          crash into a Romulan?

Picard: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Riker: Is that supposed to be some sort of "sick" pun?

Data: Pun? Sir, what is a pun?

Riker: Later, Data.

Data: Sir, was that a poem you just recited.

Riker: No, Data, just shutup.

Picard: Picard to Engineering. Is everything ready down
          there?

LaForge: I still think this whole idea is crazy. I ran it
          through the computer with all gravity accounted
          for. It said we have a 40% - 70% chance of hitting
          the planet or another ship.

Picard: Why such a big range?

LaForge: Well, my eye-piece is malfunctioning.

Picard: Have some one fix it.

LaForge: Only I can fix it.

Picard: But you're blind without it, how can you fix it.

LaForge: Exactly my point.

Picard: Are you ready?

LaForge: I guess as ready as we'll ever be.


Picard: Data, have you successfully bypassed the navigation
          controls?

Data: Indeed I have, Sir.

Picard: Engage.

Wesley: Engaging, Captain.

(The Enterprise is heading in an unknown direction, because all
directions are irrelevant in space, but it is a direction away from the
Romulans.)

Riker: We did it.

Worf: Not yet, the Romulans are closing on us.

Data: Captain, what shall we do?

Picard: You want me to decide.

Riker: Captain, this is not supposed to be namby-pamby time.

Troi: He is right. It is supposed to be wishy-washy time.

Riker: Was that an insult.

Troi: Maybe.

Picard: Riker, Worf, Data, Troi, and LaForge come into my
          ready-room.

Data: Is that wise, considering the situation?

Picard: I don't know, but for now, Wesley you have the
          bridge.

Wesley: Fire phasers at the planet.

Picard: What are you giving orders for? That's my job.

Wesley: You said I had the bridge.

Picard: And I meant that. For your birthday you can have
          the bridge itself, provided you can move it into
          your quarters.

Wesley: Fire phasers anyway

Ensign: Firing Sir.

Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


Lt: The planet is hailing us, Sir.

Wesley: On ground, or wall, or whatever the Captain usually
         says.

Lt.: I believe it is on screen, Sir.

Wesley: Yeah! That's it. On screen.

Moorad: This is Moorad, leader of the planet, Nebulis.

Wesley: Yeah, like hi dude!

Moorad: What was your reasoning behind firing your weapons
         at our planet?

Wesley: Well, like I just had this impulse. It's kind of
         like real freaky dude.

Moorad: Well, good shot, you just destroyed JC Corporation,
         the place that makes all of the lousy cafeteria
         food.

Wesley: Well, like we don't have to worry none 'bout dem, we
         have dese tings called food dispensers. They like
         drop a plate down, en then some mush drops on da
         pwate.

Moorad: No offense, but do you always talk that way?

Wesley: No, just after watching the Teenage Mutant Starship
         Turtles. Ya know the good guys who have warp power.
         They're always green, so dere easy to find. De eat
         Dylithium crystals and like dem too.

Moorad: That's very fascinating.

Wesley: I also like New Kids in the Transporters, except
         they don't play their instruments themselves.

Moorad: I must be going now, tut tut!

Wesley: Tut, tut?

Lt.: I believe he used to be an Egyptian pharaoh.

(Picard's ready room)

Data: Why did you call us here?

Riker: Yeah, why indeed?

Picard: Calm down everyone.

LaForge: We have to do something, our shields are almost
          down to 0, zip, zilch, and you know what that
          means.

Riker: Yes, we don't have to be reminded of that.

Picard: Remind me, I can't seem to remember.

Riker: I really should relieve you.

Picard: Number 6 or 4 or 7 or whatever I call you, I am
          perfectly able to relieve myself, to boldly go
          where no man has gone before.

Riker: We don't want any sick humor here.

Data: No one is sick here.

Riker: That's not what I meant, Data.

Worf: I say we beam everyone aboard the Romulan ships, and
       die like true men.

Picard: That might just work.

Riker: Don't you think that's a little bit drastic.

Picard: Indeed it is, but what if .........

LaForge: What if we transport a bomb containing anti-matter
          on to each ship. That would get rid of them for
          good.

Data: An explosion of anti-matter the size of
       .000000000000000000000004 mm. would create an
       explosion with a diameter of
       1721748219375643.134956713845437851614578416 miles.
       Being we are only 12231.1224234 miles from the
       Romulans that means we would have to cover
       approximately 1721748219363412.00 miles in .0000000213
       seconds. That's 80444082345551460000000.00 miles a
       second.

Picard: Thank you data for your enlightening calculations.

Data: Not only that, but the Enterprise at Warp 9.9 can only
       travel 1000000000000123.92 miles a second, not nearly
       enough to clear the shock waves of the explosion.

Picard: Can you rig up the whosiemwhat to the whatjemacle?

LaForge: Yes, but that would only make us go at Warp 10.2


Data: That would still only take us 1030303030303158.00
       miles, not nearly enough.

Picard: So what? Do it!

Riker: Data, do we have any extra weight on board that might
        slow us down?

Troi: Yes you, Will!

Picard: Let's not stand around and bicker, let's go do
          whatever we're supposed to do.

(Everyone leaves Picard's ready-room. We are now on the bridge. Dr.
Crusher has joined us.)

Dr. Crusher: A beam just penetrated through the hull on
              Deck 1903. It has injured lots of people, so I
              want more money. Do you realize that I'm
              getting paid what doctors got paid in the
              year 2200? That's only $100,000,000,000,000.

Picard: Ah, but Bev, money is irrelevant in space.

Riker: I've located 10,000,000 lbs. that are worthless to us
        and can be transported into space.

Worf: The Romulans are firing again, Sir.

Sound Effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch!

Wesley: Deck 44 reports a toilet overflow, but otherwise no
         damage was incurred.

Worf: Yaka is hailing us, Sir.

Picard: On screen.

Yaka: I demand you surrender your ship at once.

Troi: Good idea, beam me aboard.

(A beaming ray appears on the bridge, and Troi is suddenly missing. She
appears on the screen with Yaka.)

Troi: Help me, Help me!

Picard: O'Brien, beam her back.






O'Brien: There's a problem. When we started beaming, so did
          the Romulans. One of three things will happen if
          someone doesn't withdraw their beam: a) Troi will
          be scattered around the universe, b) The Enterprise
          will explode, or c) The Romulan ship will explode.
          Most likely, Troi will be scattered all over the
          universe.

Riker: So, what's wrong with that?

Data: He does have a point, Captain.

Picard: You're right, and a good one at that!

Dr. Crusher: I think it's cruel to treat another human being
              in that fashion, but being Troi is a betahead
              or something, I will make an exception in this
              case.

O'Brien: Captain, the Romulans have turned off their
          transporter and Troi is now safely aboard.

(Mumbles are heard from the bridge.)

Worf: It appears that the Romulans are again using their
       strange beam, only this time all of the ships are
       shooting it at us.

Picard: Shields up!

Data: Our shields are already up, Captain.

Riker: Can't you remember anything Captain?

LaForge: The antimatter bomb is ready and I don't think you
          want it aboard much longer than it has to b...

(A Boom is heard in the background and the communication channel goes
dead)



To be continued...