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------------------------------------------------------------------------------- T H I S ______/| __ I S | __ | / \ \ | \| | / T H E | | ___ ___ _/\ | | | |__/| | | | | \_/ | | __ F O U R T H | | | | | | ___ | | / \ _ ___ / __ | \ \ | | | | | | | \| | ||_|| | | \ / | | \| \ \/ _/ | | / / \__/\ |_|| ||_ | | | | | \__/ | | | |/| | |__/| |_| |____| _____ |_____ | |\______ / _ \ _ \| _ __ | ___ \ / / \ \ | |___ _____/ | ______ / \ | | \ | /_ / \ | | __ \ / __ | / ___ | | / _____ | | | | | |___| | | / \ \ | / \ | | | \ | | | / _ \ | | | | | ___ | | | | | | | | | | | | / | | \_ \\_| | | | | | / | | | | | | | | _| | | \__/ | | | \ \ | | | | | | | | |_| |/ \ \_/ | | ___/ | | __ | | | |__/ | /__| | | \___/| | \ |____ | | __ \ \/ / | ______/ \___\ | | \_____/ \ \/ / \___/ |/ /|________/ | \__/ / __________/ \_| P R O D U C T I O N -+* The Cult Of The Dead Rat lives *+- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RAT4 - Rebel Anarchistic Tendencies. For users of the CrossOver BBS, The Hard Rock Cafe BBS and Chicago BBS as well as those who used to call The Factory. This phile makes no mention of Fred's drunkedness, Julie's tits, Taxi's knob nor Syn's arse (no matter how spunky it is) [But we still miss it-Ed.]. RAT is now officially unofficiated with AT or the Evil Angels. All coincidences are now totally coincidental. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING ! : This is not suitable for children under the age of alcohol, and should not be read while under the influence of a 12 year old. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Your only 20 cents of chemicals that likes to fuck alot." [but a fuck costs more than 20 cents!-Ed.] from the CrossOver, Meaning To Life Msg Area ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -=* The Cult Of The Dead Rat *=- proudly present T h e P r i n c e l e s s B r i d e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [ I think the author has a small ...., it's not centred!-Ed.] A fantasy love story adventure horror sex comedy about chivalry, swordsmanship, honour and true love. Russell Coker, Duke Of Cokerville, needed a bride. So he set out his scouts to search his kingdom, visiting every cottage in every wood to find the most beautiful woman in the land. After many days of searching, the Duke's men approached a cottage deep in the forest of Gotham, where they had been told by a travelling condom salesman that here lived the most beautiful woman in the land. The leader of the party, incidently named Andrew Harrison, glanced at the letter box of the cottage - on it was inscribed 'The Waynes'. Curious, he neared the cottage, followed by his men. As he got closer, he began to hear a rythmic thumping eminating from the cottage. Strange. Harrison knocked on the wooden door. The thumping stopped. Nobody answered the door. Harrison knocked again, and it swung open. "Hello." said a tall dark haired girl, standing in the door way in a flimsy yet kinky see-through nightgown. "What can I do for you?" she asked, seductively. "Wha..what ca..can I do for y..you.." was all Harrison could say. He was spellbound. Here, before him, stood the most beautiful woman in the world. The tall dark haired girl sighed, her pointy breasts rising and falling like a small boat in high seas. Harrison was busting now. If he didn't sit down he would pierce that metal box protecting God's greatest gift to man. "Ca...coul..could I come .. I mean could we ..um..come in....madam.. My men ar..are tired and hungry for your.. your warm...warm.. open... fire." The tall dark haired girl nodded, and allowed the men to enter. It was a smallone roomed cottage, with just an eave to one wall filled with straw for a bed. A roaring fire sat in one corner, with the emblem of what appeared a bat- like figure suspended over it. The men took a welcome seat by the fire, while Harrison glanced at the eaves above. Strange, but he thought he saw movement up there. "Do you live alone.. miss..miss?" "'Brig-ee-ta' is my name. No, my hubby Bruce and I happily live here. He is presently out in the woods hunting for wild boar. He makes sure I get enough meat every night [obviously has a small dick-Ed.], he is a good loyal husband you see." This news meant little to Harrison, and he quickly ordered his men to capture Brigitte and take her back to Coker Castle. Thoughtfully, before he left, Harrison sat down and wrote a short letter for the absent husband Mr Wayne, espressing in the kindest words possible what had just happened to his wife. ____________________________________________ / \ \ \/ \ Dear Bruce, \ | Sorry to break this to | | you mate, but the Duke of Cokerville, | | Russ Coker, has ordered that the | | most beautiful woman in his land | | (who, incidently, is your wife) is | | to be his bride. Inclosed is a gold | | coin, in consideration of the | | inconveniences we may have caused. | | Yours faithfully, | | Andrew Harrisson | | No.1 Nastie Pastie | /\ / / \_/__________________________________________/ Harrison carefully blue-tacced the note above the fireplace with the coin. As he and his men rode off from the cottage, the struggling Brigitte tied to a horse, he thought he saw a figure in black furs and a red cap run from the cottage. But he looked again, and there was no such figure. Must have been a delusion. It was definitely time to retire on that superannuation. ----------- A few hours later, Bruce the Boar Hunter returned with his prize three wild pigs strung on a pole. He strode into his cottage, dumped the carcasses onto the stone floor, took off his black leather jacket and silly pointy black moccasins, and called to Brigitte who he thought was hiding in the eaves. There was no response, and then he noticed the letter blue-tacced to the wall above the fireplace. After reading the note, Bruce rushed to the cupboard, bought out his trusty silver Sword Of Pleasure, strapped it on, and cried out loud.. "I, Bruce The Boar Hunter, shall die before this evil Duke shall have my love!" With that, he left. ----------- Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location within the walls of Coker Castle, a deep and meaningful conversation was in motion... "Deeper... deeper Matty.." "Yes Russ.. I'm trying I'm trying..." "You must go deeper, Matty..." [we knew it all along guys, now admit it: you're gay!-Ed.] "I'm sorry... but your men have searched as deep into the forest as they can, and they cannot find the legendary Brigitte Lambert..", said a little man wearing thick glasses, the aid [tweezer supplyer?-Ed.] to The Duke Russel. "Possibly she is using an alias.. and has not told my men her real name." suggested the Duke. "Announce a second, more serious search." "I think its ya who should be serious, sire. Your men will undoubtedly find her and bring her to you, and when you marry her all will be settled." "What will be settled??" questioned The Duke. "The rumours.. um.." blabbed Aid Matty. [Matty's got AIDS too?? -Ed] "What rumours??" "You know.. um.. I mean.." "WHAT RUMOURS???" roared Duke Russell. "The um.. infertility um.. ones um... Oh! Your men have returned." Harrison The Hassler strode into the room. "Bring her in!", he cried. "Ahh..sire. I have good news for you. We have found the most beautiful woman in the land, and brought her to you as planned. I hope you find her.. um.. satisfying..we did." A screaming, bitching, noisy girl was then brought into the chamber, bound with rope, and escorted by several men. She stopped struggling and glanced around the room, until she spotted Matty. "Swine! Scum! Traitor!" she cried at him. Matty quickly left. Such family fueds where not something he particularly enjoyed, unless it had something to do with Trade Wars. [But you can only trade it once.-Ed.] The Duke rose, and ordered the men to leave. As soon as he was alone with Brigitte, he fainted from cracking the biggest stiff since he first saw Elle MacPherson. [ his dick reached normal size?-Ed.] ----------- Meanwhile, in the local township, Bruce The Boar Hunter was searching the Village Inns looking to gather some mercenaries to help him fight the Duke. He approached a sleazy looking Inn called "The Crossover", and decided to start looking in there. It looked scummy enough to hold a few pisspots who would listen to his story. As he entered the quiet booz joint, all conversation ceased. Eyes followed him as he strode forward, his Sword Of Pleasure dangling between his legs. Nervously Bruce re-arranged the scabbard so the Sword stopped jangling, waited until the eyes returned to their beers and conversationd began again, then neared a table in the centre where he some rugged, wildy dressed, smelling drunks were seated. The first pisspot, wearing gloves and a riding jacket, introduced himself as Avalon. "Hi.", said Avalon. "Thet me guess - your yet another thalesman trying to flog the IBM Adth-Lib music boarth right?" "No, not really." replied Bruce. "Actually, the Duke has kidnapped my wife and plans to marry her tomorrow, and I am going to steal her back, by invading Coker Castle tonight with the help of some mercenaries I hope to find here." "Oh, rightyo." said Avalon. "Count me-Ohhhhhh..." [ I'll be in too!-Ed.] "Me too!" came a cry from under the table. A head popped up between Bruce and Avalon from under the seat, and a smiling face gleamed up at him. "Who on earth are you?" shrieked Bruce, nearly spilling the beer Avalon had placed in his hands. A second face appeared from under the table, a grinning young female with a full mouth. "There you are!" cried the barman, Captain Blood, as he stormed forward. "I told you not to associate with this scum, you'll catch a disease if you don't watch out. No go and do your homework, or you'll never pass Year 7, and mother will not be pleased." [she'll have to work the streets?-Ed.] "Yes bro.." said the solem little girl. As she walked off, dragging her Teddy Bear, she turned around and winked at the offender, as he re-arranged his red cap. "Well, who will join me in my quest to save my love Brigitte!" cried Bruce. "I'm in!", yelled Avalon, raising his Sword Of Darkness in the air. "Me too!", roared Doc, following suit with his Sword Of Divineness. "And me!", cried Benny, wielding his Sword Of Walliness. "And me!", squeaked Blue Adept, with his Sword Of Youth. "And me!", yelled General Discomfort, thrashing his Sword Of Enthusiasm about. [ Who are they in ? I WANT HER!-Ed] "Then off to Coker Castle!" cried Bruce, as he led the bunch of revolutionaries out the door, and into the cool night air. ----------- Meanwhile, Duke Russell was recovering from his faint... "There there Russel..", pampered Brigitte. "You'll be OK now.." "Gee thanks Briggy.. Your so nice to me. Nobody else is ever nice to me." said Russell, nursing his head. "Ohhh Poor Russy." said the nurse, as she sat down opposite Russ, leaned over his desk and stared into his eyes seductively.. "Why did you kidnap me, by the way?" "Cos.. cos I wanted a wife.. you see. You see.. nerds like me wanna have fun too you know, they like sex just as much as cool people. And.. and well I just can't seem to find anyone .. you know. sorta. you understand?" "Yeah, sure darling..I understand", said Brigitte, in a soft mellow voice. "Darling??" ----------- Meanwhile, far away at a fork in the roadway through Coker Forest, a discussion was going on under the light of the full moon. "Its this way I'm sure...." said Bruce. "Nahh. This way.." pointed out Avalon. "Cmon guys! Don't say we're lost! Already!" cried General. Suddenly a bunch of nasty looking thieves entered onto the road, surrounding the arguing congregation. "Hi.", said Avalon. "We're lost mercenaries, planning to attack Coker Castle tonight. Would you perhaps know the way?" The thieves moved closer, their faces now appearing in the moon light. "Huh? Guys.." said Avalon. "Guys.." said Avalon. Avalon looked left, right, behind, forward. Everyone was gone! "Oh great." whimpered Avalon, as the thieves were now surrounding every possible exit. "Give us ya money.. nerd." said the lead thief. "Who are you... you don't look like travelling Ad-Lib card salesmen." questioned Avalon, looking for a way out of this rather unwanted situation. "Me name is Ivan. Ivan Trotsky. And these are my fellow theives. Thats Infiltrator", he said, pointing to the tallest one. "Thats Negative Energy, and Radical Accumulator.. the short one is Cefiar Chunderac, next to him is Iceman, and down there is Disk Destroyer.. We're theives you see, we steal from the poor and give to ourselves." "Oh thats good. Wot 'puter u got?" "I got an Apple actually..", said Cef. "Oh..", mumbled Avalon, "with a multi IO serial card, 680238 processer and ram card?" "Nah. Only got a 1234982 processor. But I'm gonna get a 680' chip soon!" "Is that with the 16 bit BUS ?" "No, thats the 680238b chip." "But didn't Zilog produce a 680238a chip with 16 bit BUS for the ZX80?" "Perhaps.. but the 680238a was shit. It was superseeded by the 32bit multi processor job from Xenix, now thats what I call a processor.." "Yeah..?" ----------- Meanwhile, somewhere else in the forest.. "There! Coker Castle!" whispered Bruce The Boar Hunter. "Oh goodie oh goodie terrific great wowee woopee" chipped General. "Now, team, this is our plan. You - Doc - scale the back entrance and work your way up through the servant's quarters. Blue Adept, you come with me, and we'll take the front gate. Benny - the sewers." Benny complained. "Why me.. why do I always get the wally jobs.." "Right.. good luck men.. and I'll meet you in the Grand Hall, where we'll make an attack on Russ's chamber, where he is holding Brigitte." [By her tits is my guess.-Ed.] And with that, they split. ----------- Benny grumbled a lot as he sloshed through the mirky brown liquid that filled the Castle Sewers. "Why did I have to be a wally.. why why why.. I should have listened to my mummy.. when she said "Son, with that red hair of yours, your gonna go far.. They're gonna come from miles away just to fondle and touch those locks.." Benny stopped. He suddenly realised he wasn't alone in the sewer. There, before him, stood a little sewer rat, standing up to his hips in the water. But what struck Benny most was that this was no ordinary sewer rat - this was a red-haired sewer rat, called Hologram. ----------- In another part of the castle, a cloaked figure was scrambling over a brick wall. As he landed inside the castle walls, he casually bent over and picked up his red cap that had fallen. Sensing that people were approaching, he made a quick exit left. Slowly the figure made his way through the labyrinth of twisting passages, pausing every moment to make sure no one was about. Pausing at a pillar, he noticed a poster attached to the brick... ________________________________________________ | | | * * | | NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW | | | | Brigitte Lambert | | in | | | | TOO MUCH TOO SOON II - THE SEQUEL | | | | more pussy than CATS | | more filth that Cef's bedroom | | more orgasms than a Transvision Vamp album | | | | | | brought to you by Valhalla Inc. | | 69 High Street, Northcote | | | | NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW SHOWING NOW | | * * | |________________________________________________| Doc paused to read the poster, shrugged, and walked on. And stopped. And started again. And stopped again. He sighed, walked back, pulled out a texta and scrawled on the poster, "better points than the Taj Mahal". Accidently, Doc dropped the texta as he finished the 'l'. "Shit", he said, as he bent down to pick it up. He groped around in the dark, until he grasped something not intirely texta-like. Infact, it was a bare foot, attached to a calf, to a leg, kneecaps, and the rest of a six foot blonde wearing only a dainty negligee staring down at him. Before Doc could even gasp a "Hello", she knocked him unconcious with a club and dragged him off into a dark alcove. ----------- During this time, Bruce and Blue Adept had entered the castle and had located Russ's Chamber. They waited until General Discomfort and Benny arrived. Benny was now carrying a red-haired rat he had now befriended. "Where is Doc?", asked Bruce. 'Oh well, we'll have to do this without him. Right, raise your swords, men.." "I already have.." said the startled Blue Adept, "didn't you guys notice?" "ATTAACCKKKKK!" roared Bruce The Boar Hunter, as he kicked the doors to the Chamber open, and ran inside. There sat Brigitte, tied to a chair. Russell immediately drew his sword, flanked by several of his henchmen. Bruce paused at Brigitte. "Never fear, Bruce The Boar Hunter is here!". And with that he charged at Russell, wielding his Sword Of Pleasure. Benny took on two henchmen, while General chased Matty around the room. "Come here! Come here!", squealed General, "Come here, don't show your rear!" "You'll never catch me Gen", cried Matty, "We have plenty more henchmen!" Between clashes Benny replied "Don't count your eggs pal..We only came for gal.". "Surrender you swine", ordered Bruce, "That girl is mine!" "This poetry is so bad", yelled Russel, "that its driving me mad!" "Stop this fuss!", cried Brigitte, "You'll never stop Russ!" "Huh?", blurted Bruce. Everyone stopped fighting, and turned to Brigitte. {Pause} "You'll never stop Russ", she said again. "He'll save me, he will." "Eh?", said Bruce, confused. "Doesn't that.. like .. stuff up the plot? Like.. I thought I was saving you.. You don't wanna marry him. right?" "Things have happened.. um.. Bruce.. I've changed my mind. Well, I have kinda.. kinda come to know Russ while being tied up here, and, well, I've decided to marry him anyway." "WHAT!" cried everyone in unison. "Well", said Brigitte, "I'm entitled to do what I want to do. And who said I have to spend my life chained to a bed serving a chauvanist sexist pig like Bruce.. What if I wanna be independant.. rich.. powerful.. like the Duchess Of Cokerville.. Huh? Doesn't anybody care what I think?" {another pause} "Blue Adept", sighed Bruce. "Yeah", said Blue Adept. "You've got a cute arse, you know that." [Syn ...?-Ed.] Benny groaned, sighed. He began to pat his little sewer rat. General Discomfort sat down and began talking about his Anderson score with Matty. ----------- The rays of a morning sun slowly began to cover the land. A sense of a new beginning emerged, a feeling of freshness, of new hope and new dreams. A cock crowed, cows mooed for their milk, and Doc woke up. "You know, you have very tasty thighs.", he said to Dark Princess, who was spralled out on the bed next to him. "Well, I'm off.", he said, dressing. "Another day, another blister." The Dark Princess sighed, "You will come back won't you..?" "Of course", smiled Doc, "This is true love, remember." ----------- Doc later found Avalon still arguing with Cefiar, surrounded by some sleeping thieves who had pitched camp beside the road. "C'mon Avalon", he said. "We've got another adventure waiting for us... Who knows what will happen in Rat 5.." Slowly Doc dragged Avalon away. "Its got something to do with modems I think.. You should like that.." Avalon finally turned and spoke to Doc. "Modem? Is that a netcomm modem or a trailblazer? Which chip is that?" "Oh the 8088 chip I think. With dual processing." replied Doc, walking off into the distance with Avalon, off to find another pub, in another land. =========== The End. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A good woman is like a good scotch.. mellow, rich and tawny, strong, fragrant... and twelve years old." The Masked Paedophile, Burning Crucifix BBS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Trivia Quiz. -=********************* How much do you really know about bulletin boards ? Try this little quiz, and keep a score as you go. -------------------------------Question 1------------------------------- What board did "The Alien" run? [1] .. The Time Warp BBS [2] .. Electric Dreams [3] .. The Truth BBS [4] .. All of the above. -------------------------------Question 2------------------------------- Who writes the R.A.T. series under the alias Evil Dangles? [1] .. A breakaway sect of Evil Angels. [2] .. Taxi Cab seeking revenge. [3] .. A user who calls himself All, who is frustrated by the fact that there are a lot of nasty people sending him a lot of useless mail. [4] .. Fearless Fred while sober. [5] .. My IBM. -------------------------------Question 3------------------------------- What is the "Craig Bowen blues"? [1] .. A No.1 Hit on the Black Singles chart. [2] .. A pair of shoes. [3] .. The sysop's alternative to social depression. [4] .. A venerial disease. [5] .. CB's very own family "Home Movies". -------------------------------Question 4------------------------------- What psuedonym does Eric Anderson use on his own board? [1] .. Eric Anderson [2] .. Happy Hacker [3] .. Sysop [4] .. Cindy [5] .. Blondie [6] .. Me Again [7] .. All of the above. -------------------------------Question 5------------------------------- What gender is the user "Avalon .."? [1] .. Male [2] .. Female [3] .. Neuter [4] .. All of the above. [5] .. Some of the above. [6] .. I think I've met Avalon .. -------------------------------Question 6--------------------------------- What is the ultimate bulletin board software? [1] .. BOGBBS (Oliver Goldstein's little monster) [2] .. GBBS (Good ol' Apple BBS) [3] .. QuickBBS (No hints - but I use it) [4] .. TBBS (my 'T'ummy hurts BBS ) * [5] .. DLX (A software version of Des Capitol) [6] .. OPUS (And Fred thought it was another naughty picture show) [7] .. FIDO (Blue Star has competition) [8] .. RBBS ('Arghh!' BBS)