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| Vol 2 ********* Gratis |
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NEW WHITEWATER REVELATIONS REVEALED, YIKES
Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
Today, unnamed, reliable well paid sources in the special prosecutor's
office investigating the Whitewater scandal have turned over a secret memo
to the Peter Funk Press. It outlines what special prosecutor Robert Fiske--
whoops, scratch that -- Kenneth W. Starr* has discovered about how the
Clintons became involved in the Whitewater scandal.
The memo seems very important to the special prosecutor because it has
written in its margins the words, "Hey bub. Secret stuff here. Do not leak.
Keep this memo at least 500 miles from any journalist. Should a journalist
come within 500 miles of this memo, eat it immediately then set yourself on
fire." However, the special prosecutor's office refuses to acknowledge the
memo, for when the Peter Funk Press asked Robert Fiske, that is to say,
Kenneth W. Starr about the memo, he replied, "I can't talk to you right
now. I am expecting a very important phone call from my bookie."
According to the memo, the Whitewater incident began as a business
deal between James McDougal and his wife when Clinton lost his reelection
bid for governor. Clinton won the governorship of Arkansas by promising the
citizens of Arkansans that as soon as he became governor he would leave the
state and not come back. However, Clinton broke this promise immediately
and stayed in Arkansas to govern the state and undress unsuspecting women.
The people of Arkansans didn't mind his undressing unsuspecting women
so long as he did it as part of his official duties as governor, but they
became furious over his breached campaign promise to leave the state and
not come back. Therefore, when Clinton ran for re-election they denied him
a second term by electing the Republican gubernatorial candidate, a frozen
chicken by the name of General Sterling Price, who served only one term
because the cooks in the Arkansas governor's mansion accidently fried it
and served it an official state dinner for the American Fatback Council to
celebrate the influence of cholesterol on the American civilization.
The memo goes on to say the Clintons became involved in Whitewater
through James McDougal, a former door to door bagpipe salesman, who became
famous for leading a scientific expedition up the legs of a Scotsman named
Ian McMacbeth to find out what a Scotsman wears under his kilts. He made a
film documentary of the expedition that appeared on PBS. Unfortunately, the
expedition failed because all of its members failed to bring a flashlight,
and when they reached McMacbeth's kilts they couldn't see anything and had
to turn around. Later, he became a millionaire by manufacturing psychedelic
tartan and non-representational tweed.
McDougal donated a lot of money to Clinton's first campaign for
governor. In fact, he gave so much money to Clinton's campaign he made
Clinton's "platinum list," which allowed big campaign donors to go into the
governor's mansion, sit on Clinton's lap, and lobby him. McDougal used this
privilege often, and during the hours he sat on Clinton's lap lobbying
their conversations often diverted into long discussions about politics,
culture, world affairs and their mutual interest in eating very large
cheeseburgers.
Thus, over the long hours of their conversations, they became very
good friends. The two men became especially close when McDougal lobbied
Clinton for a hair transplant subsidy. Clinton got him one through the
Arkansas Department of Agriculture by declaring McDougal's head a tobacco
farm in an executive order. Unfortunately, the hair transplant failed, but
McDougal wisely had obtained crop insurance and recouped most of his
losses.
McDougal never forgot what Clinton did for his head, so after Clinton
lost the governorship he came to Clinton with a business offer in a land
development called Whitewater. He sat on Clinton's lap and offered him a
50% partnership in the land deal. The two had become so accustomed to
McDougal sitting on Clinton's lap they continued to do it even after
Clinton lost the governorship. Clinton became very excited about the offer,
and he jumped out of his chair hollering, "Suuuuuey! I'm going to get rich.
Oink oink." Meanwhile, McDougal fell out of Clinton's lap onto the floor,
injuring his head which entitled him to a disaster payment from FEMA.
Despite his feeling of excitement, Clinton told McDougal he had to
talk to his wife Hillary about the matter before making a decision. She had
the business knowledge in the family he said. For instance, according to
the secret memo, she once made $500,000 in five minutes trading chocolate
chip cookies on the commodities market on the advice of some Keebler elves
living in trees who worked for the Keebler Cookie Company. In return for
their advice, she promised the elves she would advise Gov. Clinton to
replace bacon, banana and peanut butter sandwiches with chocolate chip
cookies as the daily lunch for the Arkansas school lunch program.
McDougal gave him a prospectus of Whitewater for Hillary to read.
After reading it, Hillary became very interested in Whitewater. McDougal
wrote in it he intended to sell lots on the Whitewater land and attract
buyers by making Whitewater into a recreational resort with such
recreational activities as chewing, spitting, snoring, and standing on the
summits of Ozark hilltops and rolling rocks down on mankind.
Hillary Rodham Clinton liked the recreational aspects of Whitewater,
particularly rolling rocks down on mankind. She thought it would go over
big in Arkansas, for it has become the most popular form of family
entertainment in Arkansas, next to firing a gun in the air.
When Hillary Clinton read the terms of McDougal's offer, she decided
to accept his offer. McDougal valued the Whitewater investment at 1.5
million dollars and to cover their $750,000 share of the investment he
asked them to put up their living room sofa. They did and became partners
with him in Whitewater.
* A federal court panel replaced Robert Fiske with Kenneth W. Starr when it
questioned Fiske's objectivity because he bought a new Cadillac with
President Clinton's Visa card.
===========================================================================
Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
welcome.