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POET AND ERNIE'S POST-ANAL SHIT'OUSE VOL 1, ISSUE 4. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Written, and inspired by.. PeeWee Lee (he used to be tiny, now he's HUGE in Finland!) D.L. (He used to be HUGE, now he's just marginally less HUGE) Svven Spangler.(Always been HUGE!) Crtchy.(Used to be slightly HUGE now a lot less HUGE!) Scary Towell.(Never been HUGE!) Yoshi Tateishi(Has a HUGE heart but small body, also famous for being the only female to ever write for P&B, which as a feat in itself is HUGE!) Regular guest star and HUGELY propper author... Ben Ohmart. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hello Kidies!!!!!! Well, since last issue nothing interesting has happened. The web page is STILL in production, hope to be up THIS month but you know how it is. .NET article/mention in MARCH's issue NOT January's as I mentioned last month. Interview in ZONE E-Zine happened and was swelligant. Issue 3.5 went on AlT.ZiNes and was HUGELY offensive and we do NOT regret it one bit. If you didn't see it then check the home page when it's up it was a bit special (we think). I lost my job and was pushed to finish this issue on time. Anybody want to give me another job then E me and I'll work for you. You bring in a fucking tank I'll sell the fucking thing, I'm good. I'll straighten shit out over there. .....Anyway, let's get stupid. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article one: The fine line between bad taste and wanton lust. CELEBRITY OPERATIONS Everyone has heard about Lee Marvins hearnia operation but Celebrity operations were a taboo subject, until now that is. With this new column we let the sTARs talk, candidly, about their operations. CHER: I think the most insidious operation that was performed on me was whilst I was on holiday in Africa. I was visiting a very small village north of Java when the chief of the tribe approached me and began babbling away in foriegn tongue. Naturally I was left traumatised, it's not easy having an unknown language being spoken to you so fluently. Luckily, for me, our tour guide M'Binki translated the Chiefs message to me,it was more of an invitation, an invitation to be part of the tribes special godly ceremony. Of course I jumped at the chance! In hindsight this may have been rather rash of me. Flanked by several of the tribes warriors I was led into a mysterious mud hut where a rather tall tribesman stood, menacingly banging two sharpened stones togather and screaming chants towards the onlookers. They gently lay me down on a bed of leaves and forcefully removed my engorged clitoris with the sharpened stones. Previously I had only heard of clitoral cirumsicion in hushed tones of reverence but to experience the pure, unbridled, unanesthetised, agony of a full clitoral circumsicion for myself was perhaps a defining moment in my life, and I don't mean that in a good way. Later they presented my, ceremoniously, with my still blood stained clit which I keep in my purse at all times to remind me of a mysterious, ancient, ritual far far away. MICHEAL J FOX: The worst operation I have had occured during the filming of my hit movie Teen Wolf. I was on the set of Teen Wolf and we were shooting an exterior scene where I had to stand near to a passing automobile, all was going well when disaster struck! A small, but very sharp, piece of glass must have got lodged within the tyre of the car and then dislodged itself with unprecedented force, sending the glass hurtling towards my hair. I suffered a nasty cut above my left eye, the doctor at the studio checked it out and tld me to go straight to the nearest hospital where I was administered a total of five stitches. But the agony didn't end there! 3 weeks later I was made to return to the same hospital where a reverse operation was performed to remove said stitches from my head. I'm not scared of hospitals but my time their during the making of Teen Wolf was perhaps the most unpleasent time of my life I just hope I never need another operation again. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article two: Epileptic obecity in the UK. Glutony, Sloth, both, or neither. COMPETITION TIME!!! No, It's REALLY iS! So, you ask yourself, what's in it for me. Well, we think the prizes are supercool and we should know because we just should. Prizes include.... Original copies of 'Lucky Bag' fanzine (the precursor to P&B) Original cut-n-paste pages from the unreleased issue 3 of 'Lucky bag' A full set of uncut and uncensored issues of 'P&B' including various edited segments and other stupidity. Printed in glorious monochrome. A copy of the original 'Pete and Bernie' tape as transcribed in issue 2 of 'p&b' + the legendary 'Lucky bag' theme and excerpts from a tape DL made when he was tripping which has to be heard to be believed. + a whole lot more other stuff which we haven't even thought of yet but it's sure to be doe! So, what do you have to do to win these goodies? Simple.... Complete the following sentence in less than 20 words. Pete and Bernies philosophical steakhouse is shit, because............ As we are not even expecting one single entry to this genuine competition you stand a fair chance of winning simply by entering! Just send your completed sentence in an E-Mail to our new address (see elsewhere) with the subject 'PAB comp' and your snail mail address and you could be getting more p&b goods than you can shake your phalus at. ENTER TODAY!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article three: CELEBITY FACTS: This month it's Boon star Anthony Quinn. 1) anthony Quin has a pet Rabiit called Flopsy. Occasionally when Anthony is out of the country Flopsy and Tony exchange souls with the aid of a mysterious force known only to scietists as 'IT'. (level 23) 2) Anthony Quinn Loves the smell of apples and occasionally uses 'Apple scented' Shake and Vac when doing the hoovering. (level 17) 3) Anthony Quinn was not only the understudy to John Hurt in the touring company of 'Annie' but was also believed to be the man who shot Liberty Vallence, Liberty DeVito, Danny DeVito, and Daniel Day Lewises left foot. Unfortunately Anthony missed Mr. Lewises right foot, by approximately 2 inches apparently. (level 37) 4) Anthony Quinn grins at mice in a sinister manner and then phones his mum and coughs loudly. (level 42) 5) Anthony Quinn is in fact the duke of Earl, 7th in line to the throne of Greece. (level 25) 6) Although Anthony Quinn is Jewish in appearance he is, biologically, bovine. (level 40) 7) Anthony Quinn believes himself to be related to all members and ex- members of rock band Van Halen and recently sued Proffesor Plum, of Cluedo fame, for attempting to prove otherwise. (level 46) 8) Anthony Quinn's first acting job was as a tiny red clam on the front of a packet of 'Birdseyes fish fingers',although it was only a minor job it won him the part of 'Rocco' in 'Cagney and Lacey' the role which was played on stage by Elton Johns nephew Greg (who is incidently 6th in line to the throne of Greece, only being beaten by Jimmy Crankie and his 5 identical clones known in the only as 'The Jackson five') (level 56) 9) Anthony Quinn is only 3ft 5inches tall and uses an elaborate series of mirrors and pulleys to make himself appear a lot taller, arounf 9ft 3inches to be precise. (level 20) 10) Anthony Quinn, brother of Steven Quinn, was sentenced to death at the tender age of twenty. Hunted like an animal for a crime he did not commit. (level 27) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article four: Children, how do you keep them in order? Are they mere tearaway scamps or are they something far more sinister? In his latest book 'Therepy begins at home' Dr Keith Thisstlewaite, eminent proffesor and bombiver, looks at the many means of keeping your children in order, in the 90's. --------------------------------------------------------------- (Exclusive extracts from 'Therepy begins at home', published by Faber and Faber, ?19.95, available in shops now) Imagine you are walking through Sainsbury's. A well known and much beloved supermarket to some, a haven of child-tempting hell to others. Your child, who we will call Kevin from now on, reaches playfully towards a large pile of sugar coated confectionary and pulls a neatly wrapped tube from the top proclaiming 'Mummy! I want this confectionary', what do you do? What can you do? For years now mothers throughout the world have simply said 'No' or maybe given in to their childs sinister cravings for sweet but much of the evidence I have got leads me to believe that neither of these methods are correct. Let's look at some alternatives... AVERSION THEREPY When your child begs you for confectionary, or maybe toy, simply pick up the object of your childs desire and strike him/her repeatedly about the face with this object. You can do this in a supermarket, by the fire, in a car, or even in a van. Your child will soon learn that the particular item he/she craves equates directly to pain. It's not only toys or sweets that you can use this method with though. A major problem with young children today is a tendency, a whim dare I say, to indulge in fragrent and intense listening of to the music of pop. Such bands as 'The Rollings stones' 'The Kinks' or 'Pickety witch' could all prove a problem, a problem which must be stopped. If your child is being influenced by the pop of,say, the band 'ELO' then simply unfold a poster of said band, sit child in chair in front of the poster (making sure all exists are covered), play there latest LP for about 3 hours to him and then simply roll up ELO poster and force it firmly, yet gently, into his/her's anal passage making full use of double- flange procedures. You will find that within one or two days your childs unbridled passion for ELO and all their off-shoot projects will have vanished. It is simple to just avoid your children for days, or even months, at a time but this accomplishes nothing. Surely it is better to rid the child of all satanic whims now instead of letting him grow up to be a man. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article five: And now for this months short short from Mr. Ohmart. The Fuck Heard Round the World by ben ohmart I think the largest problem between Crysti and me was that her dick was bigger than mine. It was what you could call meaty, thick, juicy I wouldn't know about, made me feel a real whimp in those private moments, and, I admit, she couldn't help herself. Born that way, when I'd get her excited, it was natural she'd have that erection to show me. Still. How many girlfriends end up running off with the man's mistress? It was just totally humiliating, and that's why I just had to come there. I'd seen the ads while I was eating dinner. They promised you strong emotional support. A lot of circus people here, and boyfriends of hookers, and guys that either couldn't get it up or couldn't keep it down, and basically I picked right cause everything had to do with sex. They encouraged nudity and free fucking and once when I was unwinding beneath a dying tree this guy came up behind me and asked me if I wouldn't shove the stem of the banjo he was carrying up his ass but we still became friends. For the ones with strong emotional problems, after three months still here they prescribed one fuck a night for you, which was probably why most of the patients were years into their treatment. But of course for a special case like me I didn't have to wait that long. "Tell us about your fears of hermaphrodites?" the female doc asked me alone. She had the tits you'd want to be carved into a Presidential mountain, and always ran our sessions in those wonderful '70s shorts that they just don't unfortunately make today. So three days after I confessed my brain sins, she'd start coming in at night and laying her hands in places that honestly just felt hot. She'd get on top and be halfway to her crisis, as D.H. Lawrence calls it, before I'd be completely awake to enjoy the shouts. Which was fine in the long run because then I could enjoy myself, take my time, or my suddenness without guilt. Of course the worse part was every time after she'd force us to stay the night watching The Crying Game twice a night while she stared at me to monitor my reactions. After two weeks, it wasn't the staring that bugged me, just this repetition of plot that made me ache for a USA movie. I released myself from the institute a week ago, the insurance wouldn't do the deductible thing anymore so I didn't have a choice, and I met this, I hoped, girl in a swingset club called The Two Seater, chains and plastic seats all around, and we got to talking about various bird and plant life that naturally seemed to lead into her showing me pictures of her brothers. In fact, she talked a fuck load about her brothers, and a tongue, after I'd asked her out to Chucky Cheese, the pizza place, was the only thing that forced her to shut it. After that, we began to hang out at the local gay bars and make fun of the lettering they used on their outside menus, then we'd move on to closed travel agencies where we'd make lettered love hearts in the Norway posters. A week into things, we bribed a theater manager to let us in on the day he wasn't showing the foreign film festival so we could just look at the screen. It was a beautiful theater. Went back to my place, then she wanted to fuck. She called her brothers up, and they all came over to watch. This was the part I hated. The room was a mess, and I told her after they shook my hand and left that "My last girl left me for another girl." She grabbed my forearm and licked it in a way that I knew meant compassion. I could tell that she felt for me, but more importantly that she felt me and felt me deep, and that was when I undid her cunny cork again and began the long hard fondle. She picked up the phone and was about to call the boys. But I wasn't having any of it. I was going to straighten things up first. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Six: Pissing off McDonalds staff Part one-The Dr. wong scam... U is you and Mc is the McDonalds staff, run that shit a little somin' like this, it worked when I last tried it in this exact fashion. Mc: Can I help? U: Do you have sausage? Mc: (confused) We haves sausages in the breakfast menu. U: (getting agrevated) NO...have you sausage? Mc: No. U: Ok then, can we run this in two stages...stage one my order is as folows... Quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, Coke, chocolate Donut... Mc: (typing in order) Right U: Now I need you to help me out a little. See, I'm under strict orders from Dr. Wong that I have to stick to 3000 calories a day and/or 30 grams o' fat so can you tell me how many calories, in total, said meal will come to? Mc: I'm affraid I can't help there. U: well, I know the weight of a quarter pounder but can you tell me the aproximate weight of the large fry ellement of the order? Maybe I can work it out myself. Mc: I'm affraid I really cant help. U: I can give you Dr. Wong's number if you'd like. Mc: I'm onyl doing my job sir. U: (walking out of McD's shouting) Dr. Wong's gonna fucking hear about this!!! etc..... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article seven: 20 WAYS TO THRILL IN THE BIG CHILL. Yes, folks, it's cold outside-but you can get red hot with a round of the steamiest winter sport of all. Cosy clinches, scorching tosses, and the hottest of wanks are the aims of this game. You might feel that the present weather has put the freeze on such frolics. In winter our bodies take longer to reach the heat of desire beacuase lack of plancton slows down the masterbatory urge. But there's no need to let winter's dark days dampen desire! Here are 20 hot tips for keeping love on the boil: 1) Don't wait up for the late movie, News at Ten, or your usual bedtime. Dive under the covers as soon as you've washed the dishes and work off your evening meal with a wild nights whacking off. (hot tip: the World's number one 'whack-off' mag 'High society' should have you spilling your load all night) 2) Make sure your bedroom is the houses hotspot. Keep the door shut to close in warmth and turn it into a wank den. Velvet curtain, softpile rugs, dim lights, raunchy or romantic posters, the latest wankbuster book and moody music all help in creatic the erotic atmosphere required for a decent toss. 3) A fumble in the hottub is an ideal way to get temperatures soaring. Soap your balls up to a lather of excitement, then flap yourself dry with warm towels before tumbling between the sheets- already heated by an electric blanket. 4) Just because you have to wear half your wardrobe to brave the elements doesn't mean you can't be dressed to thrillunderneath. Your sauciest undies will be even more stained when you peel off your bulky winter woolies. 5) Bring out the best in your hand with a fake fur bedspread to rouse your animal passion. The feel of fur on bare nipples is enough to make most people go wild as wankmonkeys. 6) Tossing by the fireside is a great winter warmer. Pile suchions, rugs, and quilts by the hearth and wrap your fist around your meat in the golden light of the flames. 7) Give your genetals an all over massage with body oil scented with pungent aromas of mango, coconut, passionflower, hibiscus, or frangipani. 8) A candlelit bedroom makes the air seem more balmy anf lights up pornography with a sensuous gold glow. 9) Cold feet kill passion- you should slide ito bed wearing nothing but black stockings. You should also take of your trousers and heat your nuts on a radiator for a few moments. 10) Play bash-the-bishop in a bowl of hot water to take the chill off your nads and produce clean, sweet balls just ready to be pulled and yanked. 11) Take the chill off massage oil and baby lotion by standing the bottle in a bowl of hot water. And warm your hands in hot water before running them sensuously over your clinkers. 12) A hot drink at bedtime will do more to make your vinegar surge than alcohol, which actually reduces blood temperature. But combine both for a treat. A dash of brine or brandy in your coffee or cocoa will warm the parts other drinks can't. 13) Fan the flames of passion by placing a scented candle or stick of incense as far up your arse as you can without causing internal bleeding. 14) Satin sheets and crisp cottons are wonderful but not half so comforting on chilly nights as flanelette sheets and pillowcases which also wash up a treat. 15) Watch porno movies from bed or from under the duvet on the living room sofa. Try really hard videos which will tantalise you with new and wicked touches to try to visualise when you wank. 16) Put on your smoochiest record and dance in the dark, wearing nothing but your dressing-gown and a cravat. You'll soon be pulling yourself off in time to the music. 17) Thrill to a weekend wankathon or just an all-night toss session by setting up videos, music, cold drinks in ice buckets, hot drinks in ice buckets, love nibbles to eat in bed and staying under the covers as long as you can keep up the hard work. 18) When you've steamed up the bathroom with your wank games, write raunchy messages with your dick on the mirror. 19) Dark, rich colours abd luxurious textures make rooms seem warm and sensuous. Velvet curtains abd cushionsm fur rugs, brass lamps and candlesticks, polished wood all look and feel luxurious. Rosy wine and plum colours, chocolate, gingerm gold and tangerine are all warm to the eye- worth remembering when you decorate your wank nest. 20) Imagine you're somewhere where the sun beats down and the natvies are hot-blooded. Fiery flemenco music, jungle drums or steel bands on the stereo will help hot up your pud-pulling. WOULD YOU DARE IN THE OPEN AIR? Even in the depths of winter, some wankers will get the urge for an al fresco toss. Here's how to reach the peaks of ecstacy without getting frostbite on your todger.