💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › PAB › pab1.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 13:49:55.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
PETE AND BERNIE'S PHILOSOPHICAL STEAKHOUSE VOL 1, ISSUE 1. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Written or inspired by:- Sven Spangler (scumpiggy) Pee-Wee (Mr. Unreliable) D.L (The nicest kind of wife killer) Chief M?Binki (Caretaker to the famous corpse of Charles 1st) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Foreword: You know I really cannot be bothered. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> First article: Gimme some wood, and I?ll build you a cabinet. The genealogy of Oates (out of Hall and Oates) Kenneth had two sons, one was called Keith, one was called Don. Don got married to a lovely lady called Maxine Don and Maxine had a daughter called Martina, she had one leg, a limp, and a smile. Martina got married to a one armed man, like out of the fugitive or something. They BORE no child. So that buggered up things a bit. Keith, on the other hand, got married to Clare, the cleaner. Clare's skin was pure and she had a cute elfin smile, mmmm. Clare and Keith had 2 children, one died in it?s cot so that didn?t do out, but one child called Steve was alright so that?s something I suppose. Steve got married to a lady called Ellen and they had a little girl called Maxine, but we?re not interested in her we are only interested in their only son who was called....JOHN OATES, the untalented one out Hall and Oates. He was a sure fire handsome lad with a big floppy ?tache and he was a bit short too and he liked to play guitar and was good at it but couldn?t do owt else so he teamed up with Dave Hall who was taller than him and had yellow hair and they had pop hits and the rest, as they say, is history. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article two: Our promise to you P+B promise to abide by the following codes of E-zine... 1) Very Idolatry. 2) Spouting bullshit and then realising the folly of our out pourings. 3) Constant references to spice, salt, condiments in general. 4) Mucho Mondo Hilarity. 5) Questioning the world around us, and then not wanting to really know. 6) Intense shenanigans. 7) The promise that once subscribed you cannot for love n?money get out again, a bit like Scientology. 8) The love of all Gods, however unlikely their real existence may be. We love religion, we think it?s tops! 9) Paranoia. 10) Frivolity. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Three: Man-Boy love is GOOD! Cavalcade of the stars... It was around midnight when bruce Willis ate a hot dog Tom Cruise?s real name is Tom Prowl Michael Keaton was inherited in a late Aunts will and given as a raffle prize when he was a wee lad. Arnold Schwartzanaeger! Michelle Pfiefer unnerves her neighbours by banging the walls with her hoover. Demi Moores mum has two photo?s on her kitchen wall. One is of Demi, and one is of Satan. Madchen Amicks First name is german for ?Kool and the Gang? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Four: The Bongo Brigade cometh... WANK STOPPERS Were you in the area of 22 Brouchester Gardens, Kent, on the night of the 14th October? Then Maybe you can help WankStoppers with their enquiries. Apparently, a man was heard and in fact seen, pulling his pud frantically over ?Jana? in the January 1994 issue of ?Razzle? in his own bedroom. If you have any information about this or any other tossings then please contact us at the usual address. Your action could result in the arrest of this man, and several others linked together in a ?jazz syndicate? and could earn you a ?community wank watch? award. Keep ?em peeled! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article Five:STOP! ODER MEINE MAMI SCHEIST! RING!RING! Telephones are an ideal form of communication! Surely there is no other invention of the twentieth century which can compare to that of the telephone. Wether you want to catch the latest gossip with your family, or simply say hello to an old friend, the telephone is there, twenty four hours a day. And it?s so simple to use! But it?s not just there for pleasure, businesses are also finding the telephone a boon. Time Peterson, RFI-Telecommunications ?Thirty years ago the quickest way to contact someone was by post, now you can increase your efficiency with the use of telephones. From striking a deal with a customer in Tokyo, to simply finding the correct time, it?s all there and only a press of a button away.? But it wasn?t always this convenient. The telephone has come a long way since it?s inception in the early 1900?s, as a large wind up, piece of machinery. Through many designs and though the great leaps in the telecommunications industry we are now able to all own a sleek, portable phone, and the future looks brighter than ever with the introduction of video phones. The concept is simple. A telephone handset contains two transducers, one in the earpiece, and one in the mouthpiece. A transducer is a piece of electronics which converts ?pitch? signals, i.e, the voice, to electronic pulses which can be sent down a telephone line to the receiving phone where the signal is then converted back into a form we can all understand, that of clam. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article six: Women with gloves. you know those little sick leave forms you have to fill in when you get back from work after your sick and then you have to hand them in to personnel and the ones at my place are pink and you have to put in reason for illness? You do! Why, that?s dandy. Why not try these excuses.... reason for time off.... 1-Not so much an illness, more a state of mind. 2-Fell of a swing in park 3-I fought the law, and the law won. 4-Triple heart bypass, it smarts a bit. 5-I was here, I was just hiding. 6-Kinder egg toy caught in wind pipe. 7-Cramp. 8-Wanted for a crime I did not commit. 9-Run for your wife. 10-sick to the back teeth. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article seven:Bottom toys Guide to percentage of water in stars. Janet Jackson----------45 percent water, 55 percent carpet. Joe Walsh--------------19 percent water, 81 percent sponge. Tim Robbins-------------only 1 percent water, 99 percent sand. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article eight: John Inman's bubbly tested cigarette finger manipulation A Fan letter to Traci Lords... Dear Traci, I am a real appreciator of your work. I love all the films you?ve been in except the porny ones which I steer right the fuck away from. I have a problem though and as you are my guiding light in this world of shit I know only you can really answer nice like. You see, it all started way back last June. Every time I wash my hair it goes crazy. I don?t know what to do. It happens regardless of any drying techniques or use of shampoo/conditioner. I know you have beautiful hair, even though it?s seen more spunk matting than most and you peroxide it to fuckery or something, and so I know that you can help me. I love you Traci. I love you and I need you and if you don?t love me I will kill myself and take a whole lot of fuckers down with me,get it? you see I cannot go on without you. Everynight I think about you and him together and I curse the day you met him and end up crying with my dick in my hand while I?m wanking over you. You are heaven sent and here to lead me into love and life Traci and I know that you know that. Please come to me Traci and never leave me. Love forever, eternal and true. Sven Spangler. P.S-Can I have a signed photo, it?s not for me it?s fr me mate. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article nine: Men desperate to disguise a shiny head Evil Kneival is not an evil man. What?s so evil about driving over 20 busses in a motor bike? If he was really evil he?d try jumping over a few babies in a Ford Anglia or something. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article ten: Me and My operation. POP FACTS-This issue its CHER! 1-Cher was once married to Ken Dodd, of Notty Ash tickle stick tax dodge fame. 2-Cher?s real hair colour is orange. No it?s true! 3-Cher has a great big tattoo on her arse of a ships anchor with the words ?land ahoy? under it. 4-Cher has sex a lot, probably, in fact she?s probably a bit saggy. 5-Cher is a paid assassin of some repute. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article eleven: Fun with asbestos. You read the lonely hearts column don?t you? Well, why not reply to one of these lonely sad fuckers using this ready made letter I have provided for your convenience below. --------cut here ------------------------------------------------ Dear <name here> I read your ad in the lonely hearts column and thought I would write to you. You see, I am lonely too. Yes, I know it?s really awful isn?t it, being alone, no-one to turn too, no shoulder to cry on. Most of the time I feel just like cashing my chips in and calling it a day, but then, out of the blue, I saw your ad. My name is Sven and I am the same age as you. I like your style of writing I think you must come from good stock. I also think that you must be a very very lonely person to have even considered writing to one of these columns. You realize how dodgy this game is don?t you? I never would put an ad in and I thought I was lonely! I have had relationships before but they never lasted. My last partner, Sarah was very pretty. But so was her best friend and ...well, you know how these things happen, very dodgy. I caught something nasty from Jill (Sarah's old partner, and best friend) and then passed it back to Sarah and that was that, she wasn?t happy ?cos she had only just got it cleared up. but, you gotta laugh, eh? But, anyway, you probably want to know what I look like right? Well, I stand approximately 3ft 2inches tall and have white hair and pink eyes. I am very pale skinned, my mum says that?s my best asset, the girls like this I think. I am not very fat, but then I am not exactly what you may call thin either. I like music, darts, and I?m very interested in murder, though I haven?t tried it myself obviously (though it has been playing on my mind of late). I do lots of indoor bowls, and have a large collection of beer mats which I have collected over the years from many many countries. I would love to meet you, and love you as my own, and spend some time with you. I am not a shy person, not by any means, and so I think I could integrate with some of your family, though not within the next year or so, I can?t really be trusted. Please call me, for God?s sake, and we can get together and have lots of fun. My phone number is (0734)429021. Call me today. Lot?s off fun. Anthony Ikin. High Priest. Church of Satan. ------cut here--------------------------------------------------- So there you go. Simply print it, cut it out, sign it, and send it. I am sure you will really amuse a lot of lonely people and they will share big belly laughs with their friends about the whole situation. You too can be a ?timewaster?. BTW-If you want to talk to Anthony Ikin on Reading (that's 0734) 429021 about the church of Satan you may, tell him Sven told you to call. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article twelve: Falling to the floor with a bottle in my hand, treated like poultry. HOW IT ALL BEGAN There was a small town concert promoter who owned a large chain of peanut shops (including 'peanut-u-like' and 'peanut R us') and he decided to hold a concert to raise money for famine relief. He was so skint that he could only afford to give the performing artists payment in kind (i.e, peanuts!). The big day came and he eagerly awaited the vast number of performing legends to arrive, hover, when the crunch came only one band turned up. That band was the hit pop combo 'The Monkess'. And thus started the common phrase 'You pays peanuts, you gets monkees!'. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article thirteen: A great deal of cussing, and much profanity too. CAKES OF THE STARS Michael J Fox ------ Chocolate swiss roll. Jack Lemmon------- Jam donut Robert De Niro------ Loony toons cup cakes Eddie Vedder------- Chocolate chip muffins Cindy Crawford----- Fondant fancies. Prince------------- Chocolate hob nobs. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article fourteen: Masturbating over pictures of Mackauley Culkin. ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE? Find out by asking yourself these questions. 1)What do you keep in your funny little special magic scrapbook at home? a) Pictures of your favourite lakes. b)Pictures of saucy scantily clad buxom nubile ladies. c)Pictures of children, IN THE NUDE (frolicking on the beach) d)Full danish hardcore kiddie porn shots of children being made to lick each others genitals in such a manner as to cause you to shoot vinegar. 2) What do you most like to do, of a Sunday? a)Amble along the winding paths of the lake district. b)Watch saucy electric blue videos. c)Look through the kiddies section of Kays catalogues. d)Ritually abuse pre-pubescents whilst drinking your own pungent piss. 3) What would be your ideal occupation? a) A vicar, caring for the community and such b) A sexy naughty film actor or actress. c)A social worker, so you could press up against kids a bit d)A playschool teacher so you could steal little children's PE kits for your own dark and sinister purposes. 4) What is the contents of your drawers in your bed room. a)My grundies and nout else. b) A big stash of legal Jazz mags. c) A few kiddies shoes, to squirt over from time to time. d) A child. So, how did you do.... find out now. Mostly D's---You are a paedophile, congratulations. Mostly C's--- A tad strange. Mostly B's--- You are free to go with no further questioning. Mostly A's--- You are Harry Secombe. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article fifteen: Sweaty clinkers. The day I met Phoebe Cates. It was a Saturday and I was in London just looking around and spying out all the neato records that I would buy had I lots of moula and then I saw her, out of the corner of my right eye. It's....no it can't be... ah but it is!!! It's Phoebe Cates! So I strolls on over, calm as you like, and I say 'What's up?' And she looks at me and says 'Do I know you?' and I say 'No, but I know you?' and she looks worried and says nout. So I say 'You are Phoebe Cates, and I am our fan!' and she says 'Who?' And I say 'Phoebe Cates, you know the lady actress, Gremlins an all' and she says 'I'm sorry, I don't know who you mean' but I know it was her. So I grasp her arm and shout at her 'Don't bullshit me bitch' and she is in pain and so I let her go and say 'I'm sorry' and right about then I get rushed by security and beaten up. And even though she denied it, I know it was her, or I would if it weren't for my bullshitting. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article sixteen: I wanna be like Richard Madely Holy, Holy, Holy... the top ten holiest people in britain. 10-Thora Hird 9-Harry Secombe 8-Mr Motivator 7-Doctor legg (Off Eastenders) 6-Dot Cotton (also off Eastenders) 5-Ulrika Johnson (of Timotae advert fame) 4-Ivy (from the corra) 3-Desmond Lynam (From How do they do that) 2-Topol ( out 'Fiddler on the roof') 1-Douglas Barder- THE HOLIEST MAN IN BRITAIN! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article seventeen: Kool and the Spangles I want you all as my girlfriends, but could you fuckin' 'ack it? Find out in this fun quiz. Just answer c to all these and we can do out. 1-I come home late, trousered up like a fucker, throwin'' up all over. I kill your cat, eat all the food in the freezer, then sit down in front of a porno video and demand tops and fingers. What do you do? a) Call the police b)Laugh it off as a big funny joke c)Invite all your friends over to have tops and fingers too. 2-We have just finished making passionate love and I say 'Now fuck off out of my bedroom!' what do you do? a)Slap my face and say 'we're through' b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour. c)Leave quietly and wait outside the bedroom door until I decree you fit to once more enter the inner sanctum for more pleasuring . 3-We've had a bit of an argument, so I decide to play 'Happy home' by the Residents repeatedly, over and over again for 2 hours. What would you do? a)Phone a psychiatrist. b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour. c)Dance with me to the 'tune' as long as I want and then offer to buy me a pizza. 4-We both share a nice cup of tea, when, half way through, I inform you that I have actually pissed in it. What d'ya do about it? a)Take me outside and beat me with a piece of 2 by 4 b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour. c) Drink the rest of the tea, say 'thank you' and then ask for another cup sheepishly like out of oliver or something. So, how did you do? If you answered mostly A's then BEGONE EVIL ONE! If you answered mostly B's then we could date but I only like you as a friend. If you answered all C's then welcome to my family, I love you, have my baby, bare my evil spawn. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article seventeen: Pob will eat himself. Some facts about Tony Hart out of Vision on/take hart/hart beat/ morph phame. 1-Tony believes in the ancient art of Buggery, whereby man inserts his penis into a woman's anal orifice causing her to scream 'Wrong fucking hole!!!' and then cry a bit. 2-Tony Harts real name is Tony Pancreas, but he kept that a bit fuckin'' quiet didn't he? 3-Tony Harts real life landlord is the same bloke who used to stick his fucking nose in every week on Take Hart and say some stupid flippant quip or something or other and then disappear and now he's a student. 4-Tony Hart has had it off with all the girls who co-presented take hart with him and he satisfies them all because he has such a big knob. 5-Tony Hart is hard of hearing, hand has baps, not rolls mind. 6-Tony hart is frequently naive but has a very novel way of disguising this. 7-Tony hart had it off with Morph by sticking Morph up his bum and wiggling him about a bit till he was fully satisfied. 8-Tony called the Queen a whore and she just fucking smiled. 9-Tony Hart, did a fart, whilst riding in his go-cart 10-Tony Hart is the inventor of that which we now know as 'air' >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article eighteen: Pornography, a mans best friend. DR THISSTLEWAITES GUIDE TO SEX! Dr Keith (just Keith) Thisstlewaites new book, 'Sex-What's in it for you?' is top of this months best sellers. Dad's everywhere are fighting to get their hands on a copy as the nations gets taken over by 'sexmania'. But, exclusively, in your soaraway P+B we are proud to bring you a brief extract from the sex book which has the nation salivating. ----------------------- (Extract from 'Sex-What's in it for you?' Published by Faber and Faber, for 19.95, available now) Sex, it's Britain's number one past time. But how much do you really know about fucking? There now follows some startling facts about sex, and some figures too. SEX-Sex, or fucking, is Britain's number one pastime, but how much do you really know about it? Straight sex, or fucking, takes place between two things, be it man and woman, man and man, woman and man, man and man and woman, or man and two more men, and a woman, or maybe an item or dog. It's fun, easy, but how much do you really know about sex, or fucking? botty sex-It's when a man puts his Mr Johnson in a woman bottom, and it's illegal. Too. But not illegal for a man and a man. Over a certain age. Kinky sex- It's when either a man or a woman, or both, dress like sigmund Freud and then have sex, too. Oral sex- is not, in fact, having sex, or to sex, but in fact talking about it, usually to ones friends, down the pub, when pissed, or to your pets. Nasal penetration -Is the art, or art, of sticking your penis up a persons nose and is not illegal but is very nice and extremely safe and I recommend it to all of you. But what of teenagers? Teenagers are notorious fuckmatic and the average British teenage has sex on the whole, up to, and including 14 times a week. This figure is sure to shock Dads. But what of pets? Pets have feelings too and the insertion of a member into a pets orifice (be it rat, hamster, dog, cat, crab, or sandwich) is both healthy, and illegal, and very nasty indeed. And don't think you'll get out of it by sticking a hamster up your arse 'cos that's not on either. Sex is nothing to be scared of. A recent survey showed that most women, when asked, said that one thing they wanted in a man was a sense of humour. Whilst most men, when asked, said that the one thing they wanted in a women was their dick. This speaks volumes for the state of the nation today and I am proud to be British (though one of my parents was Flemish) and is sure to shock Dads. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article nineteen :6 girl sex BOSS-U-LIKE The perfect boss should be able to laugh when you fire staples at him, and flick his arse with a rubber band. He should be firm yet fair. He should have brown hair. Definitely not blonde. And no fucking moustache. A mustachioed man is definitely out of the question. A full beard is not only OK, but actually recommended. He should be an avid recreational smoker, and never ever turn up to work before you. He should be squidlike in appearance, and bovine in sense. A phallic statue should adorn his office, and he should carry about a sack brimming with eel like aliens from another planet, not dissimilar to our own. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Article twenty : 23 grapefruit up a cardinals arse. ALBINO WATCH-News for or about Albino's.