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[ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #09, File #064 ]
"Smurfs & Chicks " by Mustaine & Friends ]
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Smurfs & Chicks
[Mustaine & Friends]
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A few days ago I was showing my girlfriend some of my old yearbooks
dating all the way back to junior high, and I just happened to fall across
some really old ode's and poems that my friends and I did when we were amist
an 8th grade literature class. (Of course, all of the ones *I* am going to
show you fans will be the ones we either did outside of class, or the ones
we got in *real* big trouble for :) I also added one to my new girlfriend,
Meg Quinlan, and you will find that towards the bottom.
These first few are from a friend of mine who is currently enrolled in
acting school somewhere. Hope your having fun Eric.
* Ode to a Twinkee *
(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
Oh twinkee mystic munchable
by what means arcane or chemical
A question that bothers me quite a little
how did they get that white goop in your middle
is it done with spoons
or squished in by overweight baboons
is it done with white goop spray
or are you simply made that way
is it done with radiation
or a magic incantation
is it done with osmosis
or by a guy named Jeblosis
so tell me twinkee if you care
how does that white goop get in there?
* Ode to a Smurf *
(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
One day as I walked across the land
as I glanced down at earth and sand
and lookin down at that green turf
I swear to you I saw a smurf
his skin was blue his pants were white
I backed away for fear he may bite
I felt it safe so down I did sit
and wondered what to do with it
perhaps I'd take it to a side show
or maybe I'd just let it go
but if tis true what I've been told
a man could turn a smurf to gold
and as in thought I did lay
I heard the little creature say
"Come down to the ground
so you will hear my voices sound"
and as I crouched down near
that bugger bit me on the ear
then off he hopped
and didn't stop
till out of sight he dropped
and so let me warn you in my words of wit
if you see that smurf please step on it
* Ode to Math *
(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
Of all the evil things to cross my path
the one I hate the most is math
for math it is an awful class
one I fear I may not pass
with all it's bothersome equations
each adding to my frustrations
it fills my eyes with sobbing tears
as I have to take it for three more years
and that class is so very dull
it often bores me out my skull
so hear me now as I shout
can someone please get me out
of that terrible math class
the one I fear I may not pass
* Ode to English Teachers *
(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
In my time I have seen many vile creatures
but the worst are the deadly english teachers
they live in classrooms that look like caves
and treat poor students as slaves
and in the deungeon they have tortures of every sort
including the dreaded book report
and though you may plead to get out
they are ignorant of your shout
and all at which they want to look
are sentences in your vocab book
and above the students wail
you hear them screaming "you fail"
and as I sit here I have a feeling
when my teacher reads this she'll hit the ceiling
* Ode to Slasher Films *
(Eric Verfuerth 03/20/90)
One day as I sat in a bore
I felt the need to see some gore
so off to erols I went
for money would soon be spent
on blood and guts
and psychotic nuts
and to get all this for two fifty
well that would be real nifty
so I went to the horror section
and started to make my selection
nightmare on elm street part ten
Freddy is back to kill again
friday the 13th part nine / Jason goes to Mars
Siscal and Ebert gave it two stars
so I got the one that scared me out of my mind
when they showed the monster tear and grind
all the kids at some high school
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That's some pretty cool stuff eh? Well, sit back and relax, because
I have some friends that wrote some *other* k-spiff stuff. Check out some
'love/hate' letter by my two old pals John Carlson and Micheal Wagner.
As you will guess, they were in love with this two girls...funny how
8th graders showed affection..
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* Missy Wade *
(anonymous ??/??/90)
She has long string hair,
Tangled with knots.
Shoes riddled with tears,
And dirt, there is lots.
Her face is quite homely.
Her eyes, ugly pools.
Her smile is tombly.
And her acme rules.
Her voice is the same,
So whiney it is.
It drives me insane.
She is such a dizz!
Her legs are but twigs.
Her hands skinny claws.
Her body's a pig's.
She breaks all starvation laws.
She thinks she can write,
Boy is she dumb!
Each story's a plight,
Each story is scum.
This is the true tale,
Of Missy Wade.
She doesn't like males,
Because she is gay.
* Deanna Casper *
(John Carlson, Micheal Wagner ??/??/90)
There once was this hag,
Whose name was Deanna.
She looked like a fag,
Her hair tone, bannana.
She had many freckles,
Like warts on her face.
Her voice was a keckle.
She smelled like mace.
Her ears protruded,
Way out from her head.
Her gross eyes secluded,
The color of lead.
Her humongeous nose,
Pointed straight out.
Her teeth fungused rose,
Cockroaches about.
Her legs were like tree trunks,
So thick and massive.
Her breath like a skunks,
And smelled of laxative.
When you think of Deanna,
Mind full of piss,
Hair tone, bannana,
Just think of this:
She had many freckles,
Like warts on her face.
Her voice was a keckle.
She smelled like mace.
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Ok, here's the one dedicated to my girlfriend. I wrote it two days
*after* I originally *met* her.
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Ode To The First Few Days..
i finally got the chance
i definitly will try to make it last
for you, i am the first
you fill me with happiness, i will burst
i took you home to the house
true to your nature, you were quiet as a mouse
because of guests you got stuck in my bed
(hope my old head lice don't migrate to your head)
we then woke up and tried to make breakfast
bisquick? pancakes? do a toaster waffle fast
i engrained in your head my love for honey
later i tasted some of your fingers, oh lovely...
we then drove (with my plate) to sk00l
you'd be proud, Michelle, i didn't drool
i went (rather late) to homeshow teardown
you went to practice, oh look, no frown!
from there that next night, i read the first note
you were lost, confused, in a mind's mote
i assured you not to worry
(blah, blah, this line rhymes with curry)
i am now deeply in love,
your a stubborn girl, push, and shove
but with this match, don't worry instead-
look to a bright future we will hold ahead.
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Um, here are some others that just needed a place to go. Enjoy, I
wrote them myself :)
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(a very short) Ode to a Sneaker
oh sneaker, you are cool
i wear you all the time, rain to drool
you take me where I want to go
you keep my feet warm in the snow
i let you get dirty and walk around
i look at you from white, your now brown
i go to the store, and buy a new pair
i throw you away, i no longer care.
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Ode to a Keyboard
Oh keyboard, lovely piece of metal and plastic
how I love to pound you so spastic
when I click your keys
I shiver in my knees
i press what I want
and on the screen you do jot
all my thoughts, my words
those porn stories, those turds *(I needed something to ryhme)*
you write filth for the zine
and my hate mail doth shine
I spill on you coffee
still you try to please me
but I have broken you good
I haven't treated you like I should
so i go to the store
and buy from them some more
keyboards...
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