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[ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #10, File #037 ]
[ "Labels Galore" by Raven ]
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Labels Galore
[raven/MG]
Time for another list. Yes I know, that's all I write are stupid
lists, but this one's a good one, really. :) This one's got k-cool warnings
and instructions from the labels of different products. Just read and see.
1. This is from the inside cover of my copy of Mortal Kombat for Sega:
"WARNING: READ BEFORE USING YOUR SEGA VIDEO GAME SYSTEM.
A very small percentage of individuals may experience epileptic seizures
when exposed to certain light patterns or flashing lights. Exposure to
certain patterns or backgrounds on a television screen or while playing
video games may induce an epileptic seizure in these individuals.
Certain conditions may induce undetected epileptic symptoms even in
persons who have no history of prior seizures or epilepsy. If you, or
anyone in your family, has an epileptic condition, consult your
physician prior to playing. If you experience any of the following
symptoms while playing a video game - dizziness, altered vision, eye or
muscle twitches, loss of awareness, disorientation, any involuntary
movement, or convulsions - IMMEDIATELY discontinue use and consult your
physician before resuming play."
I don't know about you, but I find epilepsy especially amusing!
2. This is the warning on a package of Carefree sugarless bubble gum:
"Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product
contains saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in
laboratory animals."
Ahh, yes, saccharin, nature's own. Care free my ass.
3. Ahem, the instructions for Trojan latex condoms:
" ---- IMPORTANT ----
Directions for condom use:
BEFORE SEX
1. Use a new condom every time you have sex - before foreplay, before
penis gets anywhere near any body opening. (To avoid exposure to
any body fluid that can carry infection.) Handle condom gently.
2. Put condom on as soon as penis is hard. Be sure rolled-up ring is
on the outside. And leave space at tip to hold semen when you
come.
3. Squeeze tip gently so no air is trapped inside. Hold tip while you
unroll condom...all the way down to the hair. If condom doesn't
unroll, it's on wrong. Throw it away. Start over with a new one.
AFTER SEX
Pull out slowly right after you come, while penis is still hard.
Hold condom in place on penis to avoid spilling semen. Turn and
move completely away before you let go of condom. Throw used
condom away. And no more sex without a new condom. If condom
breaks and semen spills or leaks, don't panic. But quickly wash
semen away with soap and water."
Wow, they said penis. Though, the funniest part is the next section
entitled 'TIPS FOR SUCCESS.' I won't transcribe that one, because it's
funnier if you just read the title.
Hmm.. I wonder if I'm dead when you're reading this...
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Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505
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