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????????? ??????? ????????? ??? ??????? [MiLK]
????????? ??????? ????????? ??? ?????? File #34
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Keeping Things in Their Proper
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By Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III
Nowadays, everyone seems to be grasping for an idol of some sort, some
role model, some person or persona to look up to, admire, emulate, and
otherwise worship. Wherever this stems from (and psychiatrists assert
many different reasons, like bad parenting, insecurity with self-image
or self-esteem, etc., but psychiatrists are full of shit, some of them
also think it is caused by sucking pacifier tits.), it is undeniably a
very important part of human society today.
Some people choose sports superstars. Most sports players flunk
college but pass on a sports clause, and would probably be flipping
patties in McDonald's if it were not for America's passion for watching
postadolescent men in skimpy clothing engaging in various strenuous
activities. An obvious example is the highly exalted Michael Jordan,
erstwhile basketball superstar (now a stupid loser baseball player).
Other less tasteful people might choose Shaquille O'Neal or even
Charles Barkley as their idol. More grandiose idols would be Olympic
stars--Jackey Joiner J-whatever Whatsername, for example, or Greg "Next
Time Watch Me Break My Neck" Louganis, or even that psychobitch, Tonya
Harding.
Some people choose movie stars. Despite the fact that they fight,
bitch about insignificant and petty little disturbances, marry and
divorce as often as most people take pisses, disclose or make up their
innermost secrets to Life magazine, and are purely incapable of talking
in complete sentences, movie stars are highly admired. Some people
chose such stars as Kevin Kostner (always popular), Tom Cruise (also
always popular), Emma Thompson (excellent actress), or Patrick Stewart
(the living phallic symbol).
Some people choose rock stars. Rock stars are uniformly morons, all of
them freaks. Many choose to end their lives with a sniff, some with a
bang, and some, in the bathroom by their toilets, mooning the world.
Never mind that rock stars dress in fishnet stockings, let their
tongues hang down to the floor, play music one wouldn't play for the
moose, and yet tell us what they think about how the environment is in
mortal danger, and that we should vote for Al Gore and his pansy inner
child in the next election. Rock stars, Pearl Jam freaks, this weird
hairy guy on Meatloaf, Metallica devotees, etc. etc. are "cool." Some
people even consider Michael Jackson cool.
Anyway, idolizing people is great up to a point. When one begins hero
worship the advantages of having a role model break down. So here I
recommend the very easiest ways of cutting someone's image down to
size.
(1) The "I Am Naked" Idea.
The next time you see an idol on stage or on television (even on
eMpTy-V), imagine that person butt naked. Even if they are the
same sex as you are. If they are the same sex as you are, they
will instantly turn disgusting. If they are of a different sex,
and are too old/young/ugly, then they will again instantly turn
disgusting. If the star does not turn ugly and disgusting in your
sight (i.e. they are of the opposite sex and hot or you are gay or
desperate), proceed to (2).
(2) The "I Am A Moron" Idea.
Now imagine the star at school, in a remedial reading course,
trying to pick his/her way through a "Dickwad and Jane" reader.
Boy, this one makes them seem stupid and laughable. If you are
into dumb people anyway, maybe you are one, proceed to (3).
(3) The "I Am Constipated" Idea.
This one never fails. Remember: EVERY SINGLE STAR, EVERY SINGLE
IDOL, EVERY SINGLE ROLE MODEL OR POWERMONGER--ALL OF THEM, AT ONE
TIME OR ANOTHER IN THEIR LIFE, HAVE TO GRUNT AND GROAN WHILE
SITTING ON THE CAN. This is a great way to keep things in proper
perspective. Whenever some great politician stands up to make a
speech, I instantly picture this old geezer butt naked on the
toilet, constipated, grunting and groaning in agony while waves of
stink pass through the air.
Yeech. Instantly, whatever appeal they might have had disappears.
Have a nice day!
? ? [MiLK] Information
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? ? [MiLK] Sites:
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? ? Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400]
????????????? The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400]
????????????? The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes]
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????????????? File Number 34 By Yohan Bawk
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