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File #006: Cheese Wheels of Doom! (By Malakai) ?
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Cheese-Wheels of Doom
by Malakai
Date: Wednesday, November 11th, 2003
Time: In the morning, I DON'T KNOW, look at your damn watch.
Location: Top Secret Bunker, Somewhere in the galaxy
This opening scene stars the President of the United States, the Dictator of
China, the Emperor of Japan, and the bunker's janitor, Janitor Billy.
PRESIDENT: Well, it looks like I slipped. My nucleur missiles fell down and
destroyed most of the known world.
DICTATOR: Yeah, it's a pity, I kind of liked McDonalds.
EMPEROR: Mi chi La Quao Ne Ban!
<in subtitles>: I can't understand a thing you two just said!
BILLY: daaaaaaaaarrrrr.... 'ey bob!
PRESIDENT: Talking without permission again, ey Billy? <smacks him upside the
head>
BILLY: Ow, darr... sorry bob.
PRESIDENT: That's MISTER PRESIDENT, YOU STUPID IDIOT! <smacks him upside the
head again>
<squelch>
...We're sorry, this movie is in the wrong T-file... we now resume our
regularly scheduled T-file, the Cheese-Wheels of Doom, by Malakai.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
<so I was bored, ok? So sue me>
Well, to start off, this will be my 1st file for the new group <oh
yay, oh yay, constant joy :) > and I just wanted to say one thing to all you
people... "ooo ooo ooo ah ah ah!"; And now that I've said that word, I shall
continue on with the point of this T-File. Now, we all watch TV, right? At
least SOME time during our lives we must glance over at that strange box
which keeps on sending some picture and sound through it, as if it was
possessed by the spirit of Chia himself. Well, anyway, I have been up all
night a lot lately and have been FORCED by lack of any background noise to
watch the most dreaded thing of all.
INFOMERCIALS
Now, it might be okay if it was something that was actually
INTERESTING and maybe something someone in thier right <or left, I'm not
directionally prejudiced, here> mind would USE. For instance, who in the
world would by a dehydrator and use it all too often. Especially considering
you can't REHYDRATE it. Imagine this, they dehydrate thier meat, it's all
shriveled and disgusting looking. Well, imagine Mrs. Housewife dehydrating
ALL the food. Goddamn.
And then I see an informercial for a MOP. A GODDAMN MOP. Who the fuck
is going to be watching TV at 5am, see this commercial and say, "OH MY GOD.
THIS MOP IS GREAT!! I NEED ONE!" or "I'm depressed, I think I'll buy a mop,"
or even, "I need a mop to fend off the evil spirits who are keeping me awake
to write this T-file!"; Now, please, tell me that an HOUR infomercial is just
going WAY too far for a !!! MOP !!!
Ok, but guess what, this is not JUST about INFOMERCIALS. This is
about all the shitty things they put on TV from 2-5 am. Now, channel 50
usually has the standard layout of crappy infomercials around here, but then
all of a sudden, I find that I am watching a cheezy, dubbed in english,
Chinese kung fu flick! It's SO LAME. The idiot ANNOUNCES his moves before me
makes them. That's like going into Chicago, going up to a 6'8" black guy with
huge muscles and saying, "Hi, I am going to first punch you in the nose," and
then you stand there and wait for him to turn around, but he doesn't. He
whistles and has his 20 friends come out and kick your ass. How come that
never happens in those movies? Then they might actually be cool.
The next pesky thing on late night TV is the TELE-EVANGELISTS. Sure,
this seems quite a bit more reasonable, because, well, the assholes are
trying to squeeze money out of the poor depressed idiots who are up and
staring at the TV hoping God will save them from thier pain for a measly 100
dollar contibution to some multi-million dollar moron. Just what we need. For
once, I wish people weren't so ignorant. I mean, if ignorance is bliss, why
are there so many depressed and unhappy people!? I mean, 95% of the country
is IGNORANT.
But there is one GREAT thing about late night TV. When you are
flipping through the channels and all of a sudden, you get to one with a
multi-colored screen, with bars going up and down. And there is a loud,
soothing beep emitting from the speakers. It is peace and tranquility, rather
like the emergency broadcast system tests, only it goes on for hours.
Sometimes I just sit there and stare at the screen, listening to the beeping,
feeling it flow through me. It is then when I think, that maybe late night TV
isn't so bad after-all?
AND THEN... the sound stops, the screen goes black for a mere 3
seconds, and then some STUPID infomercial for D-D 7 comes on. Prehaps late
night TV just needs more beeps, but whatever the problem, I say stick to
radio... until next time, this is Late-night TV anti-advocate Malakai,
signing off... <and use Gritto, television fans, it's the soap that gives
your hands that dispan look>
.... Greetz go out to <this is cool> ....
My alarm clock... man, I couldn't wake up without you, that's why I throw you
at the wall so much.
To all the Unduck heads. Yeah. that's right, UNDUCK, got a problem with that?
To the big cheese, even though I have no idea who it is.
To all you 3l1t3 people out there, I hate you.
.... That's all, and remember....
NYTOL WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR Z's
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? MiLK & TeA Sights: ?
? ?
? The Obloid Sphere 41:708/1 [708]965-3098 [Illinoizze] ?
? The Land of Rape and Honey 41:609/1 [609]698-1358 [New Jarsee] ?
? ?
? Note: These are the only two MiLK & TeA sights to date. There are like ?
? 10,000 other boards supposedly ready to be milk and tea sights, but until ?
? I get the news that say they are ready to distribute, They'll remain ?
? unlisted. -Jamesy ?
? ?
? An udder note: The addresses listed above are for [LaMENeT], The offical ?
? net of M&T. You can reach the editors of M&T through the boards listed ?
? above with LaMENeT Addresses. Whoomp, there it is. ?
? ?
? .nfo: File: #006 Author: Malakai ?
? Size: 7512 Bytes Title: "Cheese Wheels of Doom" ?
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