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Mike's Madness #3
 
  You know, a lot of people have accused me of being a loadie. But what
exactly is a "loadie"?  Here is an official test to help you determine if
you're a loadie or not:  Give yourself 1 point for each that applies to you.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOADIE WHEN . . .
-----------------------------------

	
Your eyes are red even when you're straight

	
You've run up a $300 bill in a restaurant by yourself

	
KGB to you means Killer Green Bud

	
When you've eaten a roach

	
When you've eaten a roach twice

	
To you "Hey Bud! Let's Party!" is "Hey! Bud! Let's Party!"

	
If you've ever spent more than $200 on a bong

	
You don't have a single brownie recipe that doesn't call for hashish

	
You've thought that roach spray you just used was atomized green bud roaches

	
Between going to heaven or a Floyd concert, you choose Floyd

	
You know the words to every Pink Floyd song ever written

	
Can sing the entire Tea for the Tillerman album

	
You can hold your breath for more than 4 minutes

	
You have the nick-name "Leather Lungs"

	
You can't drive when you're straight

	
You've smoked your own weight in Indica

	
You can't follow the white line on the freeway because you're too busy


  following the white line on the mirror

	
You've actually been awake more than 25 days in a row

	
You've dropped acid for a solid year in a row

	
You actually plan to move to Amsterdam

	
When someone happens to say "I had a fever . . ." you immediately think


  "My hands felt just like two balloons."

	
You think that Jimi Hendrix just might have had the right idea on the


  National Anthem

	
You and two buddies can kill off a whole keg in one night

	
You didn't know you could drink water straight

	
You emulate W.C. Fields to perfection

	
A.A. has given up hope on you

	
You're at the Betty Ford clinic more often than home

	
You usually get a Christmas card from the owner of the local liquor store

	
Can drink a 12 pack without stopping for a piss

	
You can shot-gun more beers than most people can drink

	
You have a bong with an inch of resin in it

	
Your dealer would suck your dick before losing your business

	
You've gone to Columbia in search of Gold

	
The border guards know you by name

	
You've slept eight days in a row

	
Snorted a year's salary of coke in one night

	
You know every drug dealer in a ten city radius by first and last name

	
You can't remember a time when you weren't wholly fucked up

	
You've met Ed McMahon in a bar

	
You've been totally shit-faced within 5 minutes of coming home from work

	
You've taken a college-level final stoned

	
The only reason you go to school is because you can't get stoned at home

	
You've driven from San Francisco to Dallas in two days without stopping


  for a rest

	
You've spent more than $1000 in a grocery store (at once)

	
Get letters of thanks from Stolichnya

	
Visine uses you as a test patient for all their new products

	
You can roll a joint stoned, in the dark, with your hands tied behind your


  back

	
You have dreams about getting a job in a brewery

	
You can imitate the McKenzie Brothers better than they can

	
D&D to you means Drunk and Disorderly

	
You have actually considered smoking a toad skin

	
You have actually smoked a toad skin

	
You can smoke a whole joint in one hit

	
You can honestly say you've tried everything Hunter S. Thompson has written


  about

	
You've actually eaten a peyote button

	
You've actually done it twice

	
You actually admire Fat Freddy

	
You actually are Fat Freddy


 
SCORING:
--------
1-2: Ah you lightwieght! Come on, start sparking up more often!  Jeeze.
3-4: Shut the door.
5-6: You can do better than that! Buy an ounce and smoke it tonight!
7-8: My Grandmother does better than this. Try her hash brownies!
9-10: Doin' okay now
11-15: Better
16-20: Much better now
21-25: Great!
26-30: Excellent!
31-35: Ho shit! You're almost a loadie!
36-40: * * * LOADIE! * * *
41-45: Dangerous loadie
46-50: You are a hazard to yourself and others
51-55: Someone should be shot for letting you loose on the streets
56-59: You're either bullshitting or about to die
60-62: You died a week ago but you haven't come down yet
63   : You are a drug crazed poltergiest that God could not put out of misery
64   : How ya doin' Mr. Tower?
 
Heh Heh.
(c) 1989 Yucks for You Inc.