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jonas - issue twelve - october eighth, 1995
jonas is produced roughly monthly by edicius. copyrighted by edicius,
it may be freely redistributed as long as this copyright noticed is
included within the file. oh; make sure you don't charge people for this,
either, dummy.
============================================================================
well if you're friends with pee % then you're friends with me
if you're down with pee % then you're down with me
% the rentals (weezer side-project) % 'friends with pee'
============================================================================
-+ edicius' editorial +-
-+ written by the funk-e master<bater>, edicius +-
it's been awhile, howdy.
welcome to jonas, issue 12. its been a long time since i've released
an issue of jonas. reason for this being that i had this crazy notion that i
might be able to convert jonas, the electronic issue, to a paper 'zine. hah.
well, not quite. i'm gonna put that side project on hold for alittle bit. i'm
doing good in school for once, i don't have too much money, and i actually
have a life now. so, if/when jonas goes paper, it won't be until early '96 at
the earliest.
but edi! we want to see jonas in a different print matter!@
"fuggoff."
i also decided to change the format a bit. the whole coding bit was
getting a bit out of hand. it was too much trouble to gather all of the work,
and then code it all. bah. its easier to copy it all into one 'uge text
file. :) in case you're wondering, the fact that the 'zine looks a tad bit
like the way pEz monthly used to look, and sorta how dto looks now. well, it
was and wasn't on purpose. i looked at a variety of 'zines out there, pulled
the best characteristics out of them, and combined them into this. don't yell
at me or anything because you think i ripped your 'zine, b0tch.
what else is on the agenda? well. oh, the world head quarters.
that pesky little thing. aneurysm, our former whq, went down. so, i
scowered the area far and wide (well, not really, i only call 3 boards), and
decided to give belial's board, avalon, the world head quarters position.
wait a sec; belial? avalon? warez i hear that before?
you probably heard of it if you ever read klunk. its belial's zine.
pretty good one at that.
give avalon a call, the number is at the end of the editorial. there
is a jonas sub-menu located just off of the matrix. better yet, you can
always make an account on there. (good board. a helluva lot of text files
(i should know, i uploaded them all :).. ), 300-2400 baud _only_, with 5
disk drives on-line, running waffle.)
so, now that's cleared up. i don't believe there is anything else
noteworthy, as far as jonas goes. i believe this new 'era' of jonas should
be pretty good, in my opinion. the looks of this issue, so be it small, it
should be good. (hey, i actually wrote alot of stuff this issue. isn't
that a shocker? :> )
in case you are wondering, jonas 13 should be out about the 13th of
november. don't bug me for it until then. (13 on the 13th? eerie. thats
a julbilee.)
time to go. see you later, 'net dweebs.
elyte edi.
[------]
jonas can be reached via the following methods:
electronic mail - belial@raven.cybercomm.net
bulletin board system - whq; avalon, (908) 739/4274
-+ create a new account or use the guest account;
-+ name: jonas / pw: guest (log on via the matrix jonas option)
voice mail system - (800) 314/8885, box - 585
web page - coming soon, probably.
============================================================================
-+ "we the jury, find the defendant orethal james simpson.." +-
-+ written by edicius +-
know what? i don't know about you, but i'm pretty much sick of the
whole oj trial. thank god its over.
the trial can be called a slap on the judicial system of america. it
can be used to show how bad our country is right now; but it doesn't matter.
our judicial system has been made fun of numerous times in the past, and
this won't be the last case of it. we've weathered it this far, we'll
weather it again.
anyhoot, back to my original point;
you get a high profile case -- william kennedy smith, mike tyson, the
menedez brothers, hell, even the lindbergh case back in the 30's -- and the
media has a field day. why? because the person that has been put up on a
pedistal, with people just waiting for them to fall down. the minute they
fall down, the police, prosecution, and news media are all there.
we create the idols. we create their enviroment. then, we wonder why
they fall. we wonder why they did what they did; be it rape, murder, or
anything else. after the celebrity gets convicted, or aquitted, only then do
people say how bad our country is, how bad the judicial system is, and that
we need to reform. the key thing is; our country has been in a pile of shit
for a long time now, but no one realizes that fact. the media doesn't cover
very many trials like they did with the oj simpson trial.
"quick! where are those damn menedez kids?" -- cnn
====================================================
speaking of the news media. i feel bad for the television stations,
in a way. cnn totally rearranged their daily scheduale to air the trial in
its entirety. granted, cnn gained alot of ratings because of the trial, but
now what? most tv-news stations have 'expert legal analysists', specifically
for the trial. i turn on espn, of all stations, and see that they even have
a legal expert. (granted; i know oj is a big sports star, and that espn
should have covered it like they did, but a espn trial analyst? not
something i'd be proud of on my resume.)
we live in a society where all we like to see is other people's
misery. if i was judge lance ito, i would have never even let the cameras in
the courtroom in the first place. thats what killed the whole trial. for
christ's sake, that was a trial that could decide the future for oj simpson.
had he been found guilty, he would be in prison. we, as a country, went too
far in the whole thing.
t-shirts, bumperstickers, songs, courtroom tv analysts -- everything
was imaginable with this trial. it just went too damn far. we never should
have let the cameras in, in the first place.
just to show you how big this trial actually was, here's an example.
in my school, we have a cable system, in which we have a small news show in
the morning with the daily announcments, instead of reading them over the pa
system. (before that comes on; we also air "channel one", a news program
specifically for schools. some of you reading this may be familar with it.)
anyway;
at one o'clock, when the verdict was to be read, the school thought
it would appease the students, and play a radio broadcast of the trial via
the television system. the period which i would be in at one o'clock,
happened to be history. i had a big test that period, which i was quite
anxious to get at.
at the beginning of class, my teacher says that he won't be turning
on the tv because of the test. kids respond with the usual jeers to him,
saying stuff like, "but c'mon! we have to watch it! this is history in the
making, man!" i was fine with it, i personally didn't really care to listen
to the verdict. i would be content with finding out the verdict fifteen
minutes later, after i take my test.
but no, the kids keep yelling, "we want to see the verdict!" i was
real pissed off, their yelling and childish bickering, was taking away the
precious time that i needed to take my test. to top it all off, one kid in
my class says, "we need to watch the trial. i have $250 riding on the
descion!"
wait a sec; so lemme get this straight. you're betting, whether or
not a normal, innocent human being, is guilty of murdering two people?
you're betting on wheter he will be going to jail for the rest of his life,
or not? that's insane. i'm sure you also hang around the county courthouse
betting on the drunk driver sentences, too. asshole.
thats one thing that pissed me off the most.
anyway, bickering ends, i take my test, the teacher caves in and puts
the tv on for a few minutes, and lets us hear the verdict. i almost don't
finish because of all their bickering after the verdict is announced.
fucking assholes don't let me concentrate.
the oj trial was a mockery, yes; the oj trial taught us a lesson, yes
and no. it did show us how bad our judicial system can be, it also showed us
how bad the media can be, but did we learn from that? nope. next big name
trial, let's see if we don't do to them, what we did with oj.
[------]
oh; in case you wonder, did oj _really_ do it? nope. i don't think
so. fred goldman did it, i'm sure.
============================================================================
-+ nato and the serbs +-
-+ written by superdave +-
this one is a wee bit out of date. i originally got it sometime in
early september, but its written really well, i just can't let it go to
waste. thanks to superdave for an excellent article.
[------]
if you haven't been living in a cave, or the ansi scene for the past
year or so, you'd know about the contraversy over in europe. if you have
been living in a show, here's a little summary of the current events. just
behind the boot of italy there is a country called bosnia. it's capital,
sarajevo, was attacked and conqured by rebel serb forces -- about a year
or two ago. as usual the united nations stepped in to help the people of
bosnia (this is, of course, after the killings and the famine had come to
the eyes of the world). as pictures of injured and decapatated people came
into the news and everyday paper, people were outraged. of course the french
had to strike off thier jobs, and the united states had to insist of
helping.
until about three weeks ago, the entire un involvement in bosnia was
a peaceful effort to supply bosnian citizens with food, water, aid and
shelter. there had been a few isolated incidents where rebel serbs had
attacked, and blocked access to un trucks and personal. since the early
pictures and stories that we have recieved from bosnia, there have been
countless shellings of the capitol, sarajevo. the most recient
attact/shelling was an open air market in down town sarajevo. this barbaric
and random act of violence forced the united nations to launch what the
world has pleaded for since the begining. nato air strikes. the command was
sent down to protect the people of bosnia, protect the un safe zones, and to
send a message that the rest of the world is not a paper tiger (in other
words, empty threats -- like the united states prior to wwii). the strikes
were also to a certian form of "punnishment" as a united nations rep told
reporters, for the shelling of sarajevo.
royal air force harrier fighters left their base in gioia del colle,
italy, and abord the uss roseavelt around the 1st. thier mission was to
take out key serb military buildings, and supply houses (much like the
bombings of baghdad). many targets such as ammunition supply houses,
surface to air missle sites, and "heavy artillery" were destroyed in the
first string of attacks. the attacks were declaired as a victory, but for
who? the citizens of bosnia? the united nations? the world's concie(sp)?
unfortanuately, like life, something went wrong. a french fighter
was shot down by a shoulder launched, heat seaking missile. i read an
article saying that a farmer with an old natzi pistol witnessed the plane
crash, and captured the french pilot. as his story goes, 5 minutes later an
armored jeep belonging to the serb army came down in search of the downed
pilots. the farmer handed them over, and hasn't heard anything since. the
rebel serbs have not disclosed their knowledge about the two missing pilots,
but the have encriminating remarks, sticking the united nation's with a
tough decision (and of course, the french outraged :).
the un set a deadline for the troops and heavy equipment covering the
perimiter of sarajevo's "safe zone" to move. on the 5th of september, that
deadline had expired, and the air strikes were renewed. the losses to the
rebel serbs was aparently too great, so they moved some of their 300
artillery pieces, tanks and other heavy weapons more than 12? miles outside
of sarajevo. what they moved was far short of all their heavy artillery.
this was considered noncompliance, so their punnishment was more airstrikes.
in reply to this, a bosnian serb general military commander said, "no one,
not even myself has the right to order the withdrawal. this is... not in the
jurisdiction of generals." needless to say, they're pissed.
this is where we are. this situation resembles much of the battle<s>
over palstien, where the serbs are the arabs returning to their holy land.
is history doomed to repeat it's self here? will the united nations decide
it's their buissness to deploy ground troops, and wipe out the rebel serbs?
what does the ec doing to help? what will become of this lavish area just
inside of europe?
that's enough intelectual stimulation for today. :)
============================================================================
-+ hey adults!@ +-
-+ from edi's log file +-
jesus, i'm just going log file happy today:
??????? ??????? ? ? ? ??????? ???????
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
??????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ???????
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ??????? ??????? ??????? ? ???????
STOP BY AND SAY HELLO TO LINDA OUR NEW CO-SYSOP
SHE IS HOSTING OUR TALK DIRTY TO ME CONFERENCE #69
PLEASE MAKE HER FEEL AT HOME. SHE IS FAIRLY NEW TO THE AREA,
AS WELL AS BBSING. I THINK YOU WILL FIND HER STORIES HOT!!!!
???? ???? ??? ???? ? ? ?
?? ? ? ? ? ? ???? ?
???? ? ? ??? ???? ???? o
============================================================================
-+ warez the paper jonas edi? +-
-+ answered by edicius +-
well. i'm putting off releasing jonas as a paper 'zine for alittle
bit, probably untill early '96. 'why?' you ask, read on silly wanker honky
boy.
the reason is simple. for once, in a few years, i am getting good
grades in school. i'm actually working hard, joining clubs and stuff, and
studying. i've got more 95's and 100's in the first 3 weeks of school, then
i got all of last year. with all of the clubs i'm doing, too, my weekday
scheduale is pretty packed. any 3 days a week i'm staying after school for
various stuff. i'm actually partcipating in school activities.
another reason, you want? well, i also have a lack of funds. in
december i turn 16. then, i will get a job, earn some money, and have
enough financial backing to get the neccasary stuff for the 'zine, and i
will also be settled into enough of a routine at school, that i can work on
jonas more.
see, silly? answer your question?
============================================================================
-+ celebrity stalking for fame and fortune +-
-+ written by edicius +-
so, you wanna be a stalker? you can stalk anyone, but you won't get
the real fame until you stalk the celebrities. no one cares if you stalk
your 16 year old ex-girlfriend. nope-nope. you need to stalker someone
famous. celebrity stalkers get all the chicks. here's a simple step by step
guide to celebrity stalking:
o. step one: find you victim. don't pick someone at random, you need a
reason to pick this person. pick someone in power, someone that can
easily influence other people, if need be. musicians and people in
government are both real good places to start.
you can either pick someone you really like or someone you really hate.
it doesn't matter, stalkers pick both. just remember; pick someone big,
someone powerful.
o. send them mail. lots of it. in the electronic age, this is easier then
ever, with more people having email addresses. send them lots of it.
get a script, and send them hundreds of pieces of mail an hour. if you
can, time it so they won't find out about it for a few days, that way
they have alot of mail to delete. if they're on compuserve, they have to
pay for all the mail they recieve after a set amount. haha. paying for
their own harassment.
if you're going to send regular mail, write lots of it. make photocopies
of really gross and disgusting pictures. send them so much mail. you
will have to pay for postage, but so what? its in the name of being a
stalker, its all worth it.
now: here's some addresses to help you out:
courtney love trent reznor
171 lake washington blvd east 10050 cielo drive
seattle, wa 98112 los angeles, ca
70277.2502@compuserve.com rush limbaugh
71511.460@compuserve.com ross perot
73136.3232@compuserve.com roger ebert (the fat one)
76326.126@compuserve.com pat buchanan
mmbstn@aol.com mighty mighty bosstones
Bosstone10@aol.com dickey barret (mmb)
gregg@badreligion.com bad religion (not sure about this one)
Weezer999@aol.com weezer!@(
LesClPool@aol.com Les Claypool (Primus)
Lerlelonde@aol.com Ler, the bastard (Primus)
billg@microsoft.com billy g money gates
(i got these from a variety of sources. thanks to them all :>)
o. now, find out where they live. in some cases, this is easier then
others. if you live in new york city, you're in the vincinity of
mega-stars. just go and walk around, you're bound to see some, then
follow them home. easy, eh? (i know where madonna lives, ner ner.)
if you live in kentucky, well, you're out of luck. no one really stalks
country music stars. :> but don't give up! think airline tickets,
train tickets, station wagon road trip!
now, you go to their house, and repetedly, three to eight times a week,
break into their house. if they're not there, steal their stuff. you
can make quite a hefty profit hauking their stuff on the corner to
whinos. steal undergarments, there alot of perverse people out there that
are always looking for them, thus, a bigger profit. make a mess, piss on
the way, make sure they know you were there, and make sure they know that
its the same person breaking in to their house time after time.
if they are home, well, go to the next step.
o. kill them. yes, thats right, kill them. but not before torturing and
raping them beforehand. make them do weird things; for the musician,
have them release a cd in your honor. have all the procedes from the cd
go to you, and you only. no money-grubing managers here, eh-yup.
make sure you kidnap them first tho, and make sure you leave alot of
ransom notes, each pointing in a different direction, as far as clues go.
make demands for awkward things. in the first note, you demand that all
south amazonian river monkies be freed from oppression. second note,
demand a monkey fur hat. let you mind flow on this one.
make sure the method in which you kill them in really bizarre. shot
them. not with a gun, fire shoulder-propelled rockets at them. make a
big X in their stomach, and aim for that. odds are, no matter where you
hit them, there won't be much left over.
after you kill them, dice them up in 'bite-sized' bits, and hauk them to
whinos on the corner. if bras and underware fetch a good bit of lettuce,
then imagine what the _actual celebrity_ will get. good, eh?
[------]
if you followed these steps, you're guarenteed fame from the media
(like they would let something like this slip by), fortune after you write
your book and after you sell the movie rights, and a very promising life
behind bars.
===========================================================================
-+ aRE eWE a pUNX? +-
-+ from the capture files of edicius +-
green day has a new album, insomnia, coming out. eeck. more stuff
for those big time radio stations to play. (that song, _geek stink breath_,
or whatever, sounds alot like everything on dookie -- sucky.)
speaking of green day, i found this one on a local mbbs board.
Ok, here's the info for Green Day...
Real Name: Tre Cool Sex: M Age: 18
Aliases: Billie Joe, Mike
City/State: nj
Voice Phone#: unlisted
Physical Description: earings, chains, green hair(dyed), your average punk
Comp. Phone#: unlisted Online Service: none
Favorite Movie: american graffiti Favorite TV Show: mtv
Favorite Music: punk rock Instrument Played: drums, guitar
Favorite Foods: green eggs
Favorite Sport: moshing
Other Hobbies/Interests: playing the drums, fiddlin on the ol guitar
General Info: kicking ass on the drums like tre
green day rules
Summary: im a punk, are you
ahahahaahah. my insides are hurting.
============================================================================
-+ edi's tdd calls +-
there's a service, its supposed to be used by the deaf. its the tdd
relay service. the normal user of it calls it via a special fone with a
keypad, and a screen, and thats how they place the call. funny thing is,
with a modem initialized down to 1200, you, yes YOU, can call this service
and make many calls with it.
by law; whatever you say, the operator must say to the party at the
other end; no matter how vulgur or repulsive it is. i've done some pretty
interesting stuff with it. whatever the operator says back to you, is what
the other party says to you, and boy, they can be fun. oh, a bunch of
times, you won't get charged for the phone calls. you call an 800#, and all
of the states have a different #. when i've called places long distance, via
new jersey's (my states) #, i get billed; when i've dialed numbers in
michagan or oregon, i don't get billed. shrug.
anyway, here's a little transcript from a few pranks that i was
doing, all in one call to the operator, and she didn't mind. just a few
sidenotes:
ga: go ahead, you use that after you finish what you're saying.
sksk: good bye.
q: question mark; most tdd fones don't have a ? key.
(also, i got the idea of using the tdd fones, and this prank call,
from the 'zine, phone losers of america. thanks rbcp. :> )
oper: ca 1043 (f), another call q
edi: ga surely, pls call 291 7474. thanks. ga.
oper: sure thank you... dialing... RINGING 1... (answered) Mcdonalds (f) .
edi: ga hello. i'd like to order some mcfood for mcdelivery. ga.
oper: yes ..ga..
edi: you still mcdeliver right qq ga.
(click)(silence) (hungup) (hung up)
oper: ca 1043 (f), another call q ga
edi: just hold on moment. i'm sorry about that ma'am, i just want to say,
you're the most chipper operator i've had so far. ga.
oper: thank you is there another call for you q ga
edi: ok, pls dial 671 0925. ga.
oper: thank you... dialing... RINGING 1... (answered)Middletown
Mcdonalds..(m) ga
edi: hello sir. i'd like to mcorder some mcfood for mcdelivery. i have your
mcad right here and it says perfectly in black and mcwhite that you deliver.
ga.
oper: ..we are closed.. thats it! we are not open right now and we don't
deliver okay! thank you sksk (hung up) ca 1043 (f), another call q ga
edi: geez, these mcdonalds people really dont like us very well. sigh, it was
gonna be funny too. :P thanks ma'am, thats all. ga.
oper: sure you are welcome goodnight sksk thank you for using rc, bye sksk
see? see how fun that was? i got those mcdonalds people piss off at
me. h0h0. what? you don't like it? ok, i admit, that was semi-lame. but
hey, i got a chuckle out of doing it. :) not to mention, that operator was
pretty cool.
============================================================================
-+ ta ta, farewell my sweetheart +-
thats it, its over, get out of here, get out, get out, get out.
next issue will be better, i promise. i'm not saying that this issue
wasn't good, but it will be better, trust me. give me your feedback on it
and stuff, and i'll talk to you later, fucknut.
remember, new smashing pumpkins album will be out october 24th.
yee-haw.
============================================================================
jonas e'zine issue twelve
all mail regarding jonas shall be sent to belial@raven.cybercomm.net
thanks to all my friends who've helped me out, i love you all.
get the latest jonas and text files at avalon, (908) 739/4274.
"jonas -- its more then a 'zine, its a lifestyle."
============================================================================