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ViTSoNiC November 1993 File 12
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The
The
Pure
Effects
of
Alcohol
Well, before I begin I must make it known that I am not the
foremost authority on the topic of alcohol and it's effects but I can say
that I have observed many drink it and hurl it.
A lot of people think they know why they drink, some say hey, I just
wanna get pissed, bout 75%, others say I dunno, I just do, 11%, hmmmmm, I
really can't see that well, 5%, and the remainder 9% are undecided about
peer group pressure, or just wanna smash windows opening a Coldie.
So the first thing one needs to do is decide how much of an effect
one wants to achieve. If you want to get wrecked and absolutely shit
faced then drink till you can't drink anymore. Usually the most common
feat, but also has bad side effects. The first side effect occurs before
you even start drinking. You need to have access to the alcohol. This can
be to some a real problem, for numerous reasons. The most common being
that they lack the money to get the required beverages. This problem is
further compounded by parental preferences. Most parents either drink
really bad Port, Sherry or something else not social acceptable. Age also
plays an important part in getting alcohol. If ya too young to purchase,
then find a really good friend.
There is one really good solution to these problems. Go to a party
were lot's of others have lot's of alcohol and just confidently pour your
own or borrow from the never ending bin in the corner. This can be
achieved quite easily because by the time you actually gain the
confidence and overcome the fear of 'borrowing' everyone else is well on
their way to being shitfaced and therefore won't realize that your
borrowing their own beverages.
Once you start to drink, you will feel the following the effects.
First time drinkers, depending on what they drink will not enjoy, say
their first Beer. Fear not, this is generally a universal reaction. The
aftertaste of the Beer will immediately cause you to smile in disbelief
conveying a message of 'yes, I really do enjoy this, this, beverage.'
Others decide to hit the spirits. Spirits include whiskeys through
to OverProof rums. You must be warned however, that some of these
beverages can make you
a) Throw up immediately
b) Spit out the offending mouthful
c) Swear very loudly
d) Promise never to drink again
e) impress every one there
f) as a consequence of e), make many new friends
g) All of the Above
If your afraid of any of the above, then I suggest stinking to red
cordial laced with highly contaminated water full of Chlorine.
Spirits, if they are too strong for your tastebuds, can be
effectively mixed with a mixer, preferably Coca-Cola. If you're a Pepsi
freak, then this is the one exception you have to make. Pepsi does not
make for a suitable mixer, only Coca-Cola can achieve this highly
important function. Any spirit not flavoured as a fruit can be mixed
with Coca-Cola. If you are new, do not under any circumstances mix
Midori (or similar) with Coca-Cola, as party goers will immediately
lose respect for you and suddenly realize that you are borrowing their
beverages.
Once passed your tenth mouthful, fifth beer, 50th mixed drink or
3rd trip to the Golden Bowl, you will start to feel slightly dizzy. Once
you feel this, you know it's time to stop mixing drinks and sculling
bottles of anything alcoholic. It is effectually called the point of no
return. Drink, Drink, Drink. Next feelings then to be slightly blurred
to the memory, but is easy to recall when observing others.
Firstly, you start saying things that are really true, like, I
really love you and wanna fuck your brains out, or 'Fuck your an ugly
mother fucker' to the toughest guy/gal in the room . . . . b| . . .
resulting in a black eye and a missing tooth. Experienced drinkers learn
to be more tactful in what they say, generally handled by taking your
girlfriend/boyfriend or sticking in a really tough group.
Other effects include sudden loss of balance, delayed reactions,
blurred vision, slurred speech. The more obscure reactions are many and
varied. Sudden craving to inflict personal pain, falling to the ground,
from balconys, and then laughing, singing psalms and hymns, really
well, and remembering really bad things that make you feel really
guilty.
These reactions are pretty standard and should not be feared. If
you are still concerned and feel that these reactions tend to lead to
violence and personal pain, then I can reassure you by saying that
statistically speaking, the number of injuries caused by alcohol at a
party number the amount of Meg you have in your machine each year.
Therefore the chances of you being injured or hurt are about the same as
being beaten up by a fluffy duck.
The next reaction tends never to be remembered very well, but
generally includes hurling everywhere and an inability to control
important facets of the body as rectum muscles or urinary tract.
That pretty much concisely covers the general effects of alcohol.
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