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THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
Issue 003, Vol I
April 1988
copyright (c) 1988
caren park
chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
all rights reserved, and all that legal rigamarole
============================================================================
A few remarks from the chief bottle washer:
Hello, there, fellow friends of weird. We are very happy to bring
to you the strangest and most absurd that we can find in a format pleasing
to the inquiring mind. We will attempt to bring to you items of focus,
items for the discriminating thought process that some of us have (usually
after we order a Dick's Deluxe with anything on it), items with little
social redeeming value. These are our goals, and we wish you to become
a small part in this orchestration.
If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other
use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will
take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
Report, we'd appreciate it. Our address will be given to you near the end
of our report. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and
denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to
you...
We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material
for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us
to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted
material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate
actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel
appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after
month...
We would also appreciate it if you would distribute this newsletter
far and wide, to the six corners of the world, to the heights and depths
your soul can reach, the ends of the universe, and even to Encino,
California, if you should happen to be down there before I... The only
restriction I make upon its distribution is that NO CHARGE, zero, zilch,
nil, none, all of the above, NO CHARGE will be made for this newsletter
unless I receive 100% of that charge... This means, NO CHARGE for diskette
distribution, NO CHARGE for inclusion with other junk, NO CHARGE for access,
etc... As I am insured by the Guido and Vittorio Pin-Stripe Violin Case
Maker Insurance Company, I hope there will be no exceptions...
I also have a program called CKP-MSG.ARC which contains virtually
everything you will see here and about 2 megabytes (in ARC/PKX format) more.
For a nominal cost per year, I will provide the latest copy of the
ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... address
inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the address near the end
of our report...
This show can thank the following people: caren park (chief bottle
washer and etc), the cast and crew of KGFO AM and FM, and another cast of
few... So, without further adieu, on with the show...
============================================================================
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
============================================================================
April contains more than a few non-humus breeders; indeed, an
amazing number of thespian-types was born during this particular month. We
here at The Humus Report don't know whether this is due to the water their
parents were drinking during conception, or the phases of the moon, or
[we'll leave this particular guesstimate to your own fertile imagination].
Lon Chaney (01 Apr 1883), Sir Alec Guiness (02 Apr 1914), Jack Webb
(we include him here simply for comic relief, not to mention it gives us a
chance to sing his hit theme song, "dum-de-dum-dum"... 02 Apr 1920), Doris
Day (would you believe 02 Apr 1924?), Marlon "Ah Cudda Ben Uh Contenda (but
not an speech teacher [ed.])" and "STELLLLLLAAAAA" Brando (03 Apr 1924),
Bette Davis (05 Apr 1908), WC "Who took the cork off my Lunch?!" Fields (09
Apr 1879), silent Charlie Chaplin (16 Apr 1889), and Shirley "Good Ship
Lollipop" Temple "United Nations" Black (23 Apr 1928) round out the thespian
section for this month.
Musicians born this fine month include Billie "Lady" Holliday (07
Apr 1915), Lionel Hampton (12 Apr 1913), and The Duke of Ellington (29 Apr
1899).
Booker T Washington got his start on the 5th, 1856... Kellogg
Cereal's founder, WK Kellogg came out on the 7th, 1860... John Hanson, the
first president of the United States (look it up if you don't believe me)
was born on the 13th, 1721... Thomas Jefferson followed exactly 22 years
later... FW Woolworth, the man who made nickels and dimes into zillions,
born on the 13th as well, 1852... one of the greatest genies of all time,
Leonardo da Vinci, breathed his first on the 15th, 1452... John Muir, upon
whose trail they've named and I've walked, on the 21st, 1838... William
Shakespeare, Bard-On-Avon, 23rd, 1564... Edward R Murrow, a man of
integrity, on the 25th, 1908... and John James Audobon, showing us a
different way of looking at fauna and flora, on the 26th, 1785...
We can't verify that Oliver Pollock, a businessman in the South,
knew he created the "$" sign on April Fool's Day, but we're checking on
it... Oh, and in case no one told you before, April 1st IS April Fool's
Day AND St Stupid's Day in San Francisco... wonder what the coincidence
factor is there... The Titanic sank about 02:20 on the 15th of April, 1912.
Wasn't that the same day the IRS came into being? Another coincidence?...
The first "Washateria" (laundromat) opened in Fort Worth, Texas, on the
18th, 1934. There is no truth to the rumor that a tanning booth and full-
dress bar were available just upstairs... The State of Connecticut, always
on the cutting edge, finally approved the Bill of Rights on the 19th of
April... 1939... Better late than never, one might suppose...
And, no, we didn't forget: 29 April 1913, The all-purpose zipper is
patented...
Oh, yeah. For those of you with signs of insecurity:
Aries : Lucky Neptune and charming Venus are going out with a two-
timing mystical Taurus, while Cleveland is banging away at Mercury's cusp
near Virgo. This bodes well for bringing magick into your life sometime in
the near future (one year timeframe), but, until then you'll be spinning
your wheels because of the Scorpios stopped at the red light down by the A&P
near Dairy Queen ogling the Nike billboard...
For what it's worth...
============================================================================
"Call me at 7am. It is necessary that I get up at 7am. Keep
knocking until I answer. Try again at 10am"
============================================================================
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One
who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
with a life of sin
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a recent letter in the Daily...
Editor:
I am pleased to announce a new liberation organization called ALIVE
(Army for Living Energy) which has been created in response to recent
clashes between so-called right-to-lifers and murderous pro-choice elements.
Tim Sherer's letter (Daily, Vol 92, No 61, page sixteen) hit the
issue where it counts. Sperm and ova are alive before conception! Thus,
allowing ova to go unfertilized is murder, and every ejaculation takes more
lives than Hitler killed during World War II. These atrocities must be
stopped at once.
ALIVE intends to bring about world-wide revolution, and our policies
in liberated territories will be outlined herein. In liberated areas, the
following actions will be considered a crime:
.1. For women, refusing an offering of semen (unless she has a
certificate proving pregnancy)
.2. For men, refusing to fertilize a female who is not pregnant
.3. The use of any birth-control method, including abstinence
.4. Non-reproductive sexual activity resulting in ejaculation,
unless a medical team is called and every available means are used to rescue
the unconceived (usually scraping them off the sheets, then placing them in
suspended animation for in vitro fertilization will do the job)
.5. Menses, unless a medical team is called in to rescue the ovum
.6. The use or possesion of any implement which might endanger
human life. This includes nuclear weapons, automobiles, and fast food
Of course, the penalty for all of these crimes is death by
execution. Eventually, after our goal of world-wide revolution is reached,
we will also consider the following activities criminal:
.1. Causing the death of any life form
.2. Any form of euthanasia for the terminally ill
We are sure many of you and your friends, being the just and proper
citizens of planet you are, will want to join ALIVE yourselves and join in
the revolution. Listen for our motto "Every Sperm is Sacred"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women Unite! Make him sleep in the wet spot tonight!
============================================================================
Credibull: Your political party's promises
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Give us your answers, your heart, your opinions, your money... We
want to hear from you, dear readership, as to what you believe the "best" of
the best "things" are, be they places, foods, entertainment, divorce
lawyers, etc... We're going to ask you to bop your answers to us at the
post office box listed at the end of our cute little newsletter here...
The results will be published in an up-coming issue, and we will
publish names/addresses only if you do NOT give us threatening comments
asking us to keep your name/address from print... ALL underground figures
will be listened to...
And now, without further adieu, we list here those items we'd like
to find out what you consider the "best"...
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
romance...
. 1. Best restaurant for romance (CHEAP)
. 2. Best bike ride for two
. 3. Best place to propose
. 4. Best place to visit for a three-day weekend
. 5. Best hidden hot springs
. 6. Best view, out of casual sight
. 7. Best divorce lawyer
--- --- --- --- ---
FOOD!
. 8. Best foods for that special evening
. 9. Best all-night takeout
.10. Best ethnic food, without question
.11. Best restaurant that you MUST drive over 1 hour to reach
.12. Best place for dessert after an event
(movies/theatre/sports)
.13. While we're at it, the BEST chocolate available
--- --- --- --- ---
miscellaneous joys...
.14. Best comedy nightclub
.15. Best all-around entertainment nightclub
.16. Best radio DJ
.17. Best way to jazz up a longtime relationship
.18. Best place to buy lingerie
.19. Best place for skinny-dipping
.20. Best book and/or music to curl up to a fireplace/body with
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Incredibull: the other party's promises
============================================================================
One of the things that I tell people that ask me is that I LOVE to
travel, but that I don't travel well... I've been known to spend more time
going across town than across the continent, and perhaps one day I'll place
those memories here for your perusal, but for now, here's a story from a
young Texan with a travel tale that makes me happy I haven't been doing much
driving of late...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Traveler's Guide to the Mojave Desert
(c) 1987 ... Malcolm Petcher
If West Texas is where The Lord sat while He made the World, the
Mojave Desert has to be where He spread out the parts and left what He
didn't want to use. It is the one place in the whole United States that was
blessed with absolutely no natural resources whatsoever, and ranges from
inconvenient to downright hostile to travelers.
This trip started as a simple business trip to Ridgecrest, a town so
deeply embedded in the desert as to defy belief. Ridgecrest was placed
there to provide homes, motels, a K-mart, a MacDonald's, and a Denny's to
people visiting or stationed at the China Lake Naval Base. The Base was
placed there, in turn, because the DOD, in its infinite wisdom, rarely
places a base somewhere anybody would actually WANT to go. I suppose, in
this particular case, the location was selected so as to be exactly across
Death Valley from Las Vegas, so any time somebody goes AWOL the MP's just
have to wait a couple days, then dispatch a helicopter to pick up the body.
Saves a lot of money otherwise spent on courts martial...
Problems returned, though, when it came time to say farewell to
Ridgecrest and return to the more civilized world where they have such
scientific advances as airplanes and modular telephone jacks. It was
snowing lightly as I drove out of town. As I passed over the first set of
mountains which punctuate the otherwise flatish desert I noticed there was
actually snow on the road, and I was going through it, something one prefers
not to do while heading down a mountain except when skiing. This went on
for a couple hours of rather slow driving, until I got just south of a city
called Victorville.
That's where the roads were closed. State troopers were directing
all traffic across the median, and back to whence we had come, meaning
Victorville. "Fine," I thought, "just stay at a motel in Victorville until
the snow goes away, then I'm out of here." I soon found out an important
fact about Victorville: The wise local investors and business people,
recognizing the unlikelyhood of anybody actually visiting Victorville on a
voluntary basis, had erected rather a paucity of local hostelries. Meaning
once the Holiday Inn filled up it was bad news for anybody else needing to
stay the night.
With the road closed to the south, nothing much to the east or west,
and the prospect of going up slim at best until I could find an airport, I
had no choice but to travel north again. I drove past a couple motels out
there in the desert wilderness, which looked like they had existed since
Biblical times and had signs saying things like "Truck driver's special,
4:00 AM to 8:00 AM for $7. Since it wasn't 4:00 AM yet I opted to drive on
in hopes of something more civilized, maybe even with inside plumbing and
only one guest per room.
Finally, I reached Barstow! Plenty of motels, some of them actually
looked sanitary, and there were vacancy signs! I was skeptical at first, of
course, because some of the places I had tried in Victorville had neon signs
saying "vacancy" but when I inquired about a room they said they were really
full, but the "no" part of the sign had burned out, possibly years ago, and
they just never noticed until today when they tried to turn it on.
Not the case in Barstow, though. Real vacancies here! I got one of
the last available rooms at a nice looking place called "The Desert Inn."
Not to be confused, of course, with the Desert Inn in Las Vegas, or for that
matter, the Desert Inn in every other municipality anywhere within the
Mojave Desert. So that was that. I had a place to stay. Dragged my stuff
into the room, set up my computer and set to work defeating their telephone
system.
The next morning I waited until midmorning, figured the roads south
should be open by now, so I packed up my stuff again, tossed it into the
car, and headed to the lobby to check out. There I was confronted by a long
line of people waiting at the desk. "Ah," I thought, "A lot of other people
are ready to leave too."
Not being in a big hurry, I sat down and waited for the
line to get shorter. As I watched the people in line and their transactions
at the desk I started getting a sinking feeling as I noticed two particular
things:
1. All the people were checking in, not out.
2. All the people looked like they had spent the night in their
cars.
As I watched this I reached in my pocket and found the key to my
room. I fondled it as the clerk started turning people away.
I loved this key, more than any other posession, regardless how
transient a posession it might be. I could have had, at that point, the
Hope Diamond, or the deed to the biggest mansion in Dallas in my pocket, and
I wouldn't have fondled those with the love that I now fondled my motel key.
I quietly slipped back out of the office to my car, took my
belongings back to the room, and unpacked while thanking the deity of my
choice for giving me both the insight and the complete disregard for the
suffering of other people to have made this choice rather than giving up the
room to, say, a family with young children sleeping in the parents' arms.
After the second night at the Desert Inn the roads had, indeed, been
cleared. I was able to drive south to the airport, and freedom...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions
Cold: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their
own pockets
============================================================================
And now, for the news... All of the news this month will be true,
just as it came off the wire into our editing room. None of the facts have
been changed to protect the innocent, or anyone else for that matter...
Behold...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend who works at a large city hospital reports that on summer
nights the emergency room handles a large number of cases involving persons
injured in fights. The reason given for injuries, however, is usually
"accident."
One night, a man was brought in with a broken leg. He claimed that
because of the hot weather he had opened all his windows, filled his bathtub
with cold water, and was sitting there cooling off. Suddenly, he said, a
typewriter came flying through the bathroom window, landing in the tub and
broke his leg. The nurse smiled at his creativity and duly noted the cause
of injury on the hospital record.
Later that night, a police officer brought in a man who had been
injured resisting arrest for possession of stolen goods. The man had
attempted to flee by climbing down a fire escape. "The only problem," said
the officer, "is that he took a typewriter with him as he ran and we can't
figure out what happened to it"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A government office in the state of Washington received a snapshot
of a man wearing a sport shirt and a Hawaiian lei --- and this letter from a
woman: "Would you be so kind as to go through your file of photos of the
state's drivers and tell me who this gentleman is and where he lives. I met
him while on vacation and we had so much fun"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beep. Whirr. And a town's records are gone. Those sounds might
have accompanied the erasure of all the computerized financial records in
Prescott Valley, Arizona. Every account in the town shows a zero balance
--- and officials have no idea how much has been spent, or how much is left.
A costly reconstruction of the data is underway. A town official says the
erasure was a "deliberate attack," and doesn't appear to be accidental
- Gregory Hine's birth anniversary, 1987 -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kidnapping a pedestrian would have been the ultimate. And stealing
Maryland Governor William Donald Schaefer's doormat would have ranked just
above ripping off a phone booth.
In a scavenger hunt that students from two Annapolis high schools
hatched last week, the name of the game was outrageousness, with the top
thefts worth a shot at a cash jackpot.
Instead, though, the night of high jinks led to three arrests.
The most exotic items on a scavenger list found by police were not
collected, but participants managed to find such items as a soft-drink
vending machine, a portable toilet and a mailbox.
"Basically, it's been a nuisance crime, not only to us, but to the
owners of the goods," said police Sergeant T J Harrington
- 26 March 1987 Seattle Times -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A junior farmer group is using the call of nature in hopes of
spicing up a bingo game.
It's Cow Patty Bingo, says Pam Markham, president of the Huntsville
Ag Booster Club.
The county fairgrounds arena will be divided into large, numbered
squares that gamblers can buy for $2 to $10. The winner, who will pocket up
to $500, will be the one whose square contains the largest cow patty after
the cow wanders around the arena. In case of a tie, the evidence left on
the bingo square will be weighed.
"Hopefully, the cow will feel the urge to let the chips fall,"
Markham said Thursday.
Next month's game is intended to raise money for equipment for the
agriculture club
- 28 March 1987 Huntsville Alabama AP -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Former senator Sam Ervin (D-NC) says he agreed to make a commercial
for American Express cards because the government needed the money.
"You know, the government takes 53 1/2 percent of every dollar I
make," Ervin told a news conference yesterday before a speech at William
Paterson College. "I knew the government needed the money, so I figured I'd
make some more from the commercials so I could pay my income tax"
- April 1978 Wayne NJ AP -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thousands of Australians, victims of an April Fool's Day prank,
gaped as electronics millionaire Dick Smith sailed into Sydney harbor towing
a giant "iceberg."
With a radio reporter broadcasting live from the "iceberg," Smith
fooled harborside watchers, radio listeners and newsmen rushing to cover the
even, as he came slowly into view.
The "iceberg" was a barge covered with white plastic sheets and
fire-fighting foam. In the gloom and drizzle of early dawn it looked like
the real thing.
Radio and TV stations and newspaper offices were swamped with calls.
Scores of small craft raced in to inspect the strange object. Ferry
skippers politely got out of the way.
Smith told radio listeners he planned to moor the "iceberg" near the
Opera House so it could be cut into tiny cubes --- to be sold at 10 cents
each as "Dicksickles."
"The prank cost me $1450," he said. "I do these things for kicks
--- takes the boredom out of everyday work"
- 01 April 1978 Sydney UPI -
============================================================================
As promised from last issue, we now present something just a little
bit different... If GOOD radio could truly be called mind candy, you are in
for a caloric overload of monumental proportions... With Wonder Bread in
hand, and a BIG thanx to the kindly local Cafe Dionysus crowd, and a special
thanx to the Head Waiter hisself, we twist the dial and present for your
listening pleasure KGFO AM and FM...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
87September24 from Portion Control
Medium wave. Broadcast band. Turning the dial slowly, micron by micron, we
pass through the aural landscape to our target. At one point there is the
faint sound of an electric razor with a foreign accent. The signal comes
from far away and too much information has gone astray on its travels
between there and here and the ionosphere. Consulting the Alternate World
Radio & TV Handbook, we find the suggestion that we are hearing the Mayan
time station, counting backwards 24 hours a day to the world's end. Past
this we hear crackling static, sounds made by our star and others as well as
by dental fillings that do not receive but transmit. At the point these
sharp pops give way to endless, soothing flapping we have reached the lower
boundary of the bandwidth of KGFO-AM, Cult-Talk Radio for the Pacific
Northwest, the left-brained verbal twin to the right-brained FM music
station.
Both stations remain on the air, broadcasting all kinds of subversion,
despite a total lack of commercials and a lukewarm response to the yearly
pledge drive. Support comes from the sale of subliminal advertising, sold
to anyone that can decode the mailers sent out by KGFO's cryptography/sales
department.
87September25 from Wadical Weft
And Good Day to all you listners. I am Wadical Weft, your Free Duck
Following Announcer. Today we have a wonderful program just for you Right
Wing types. The Insanity Acting Troup has created a aural simulation of a
Bork Burning [no no, not a book burning, you don't want immediate
gratification, now do you?]. Which will follow right after this public
disservice announce brought to you by The Great Feathered One and his
legions.
"Ducks, is life on Greenlake become hazardous lately? Were you floating
next to Ozzie Mallard when he was sucked into oblivion? Well, the facts are
that in these days of dangerous living, you, yes you must practice safe
saxaphones. This means no more sharing reeds with just anyone. Do you know
who is underneath you? This Management Information Bulletin was brought to
you by:
Ducks Incorporated"
87September25 from Trespassers William
Once again, we remind you, dear listener, that it is time to switch over to
KGFO FM; the muddled shores of your mind thereupon to open, within and
without which the faraway reaches of Southern skies to behold.