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$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1053
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$ $ $ $ $ss$ "Everything I Need to Know
$ $ $ $ $ I Learned Playing Solitaire"
$ $ $ $ $ $ by Ari McKee [4/7/00]
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$ $ "TssT" "TssT"
The noble and solitary pursuit of Microsoft Solitaire--so simple
and yet so profound. I've learned a great deal about myself and about
life while playing it, and also about the world and my place in it. The
precious hours I've spent in this soothing activity have not merely been
lost from my life, they've enriched my soul, embroidered my being, and
made me . . . well, whole. The digital card deck has messages for each
and every one of us. Let's listen to what it teaches.
- Coping. Bad things happen to good people. As a matter of fact,
life is random, unpredictable, haphazard, and sometimes one
shitty hand after another for ninety minutes straight.
- Questioning Authority. Gandhi might have said that to struggle is
futile and to win is meaningless. Still, would it kill them over at
Microsoft to add a High Scores option?
- Setting an Example. Children who watch you play for hours and
hours will learn discipline, perseverance, and a sense of
accomplishment. If you haven't already gotten them an Nintendo,
do so now.
- Spirituality. Playing continually for more than eleven hours
will bring on an acute carpal tunnel seizure which, when
combined with sleep deprivation, monitor blindness and a severe
case of ergonomic chair butt, sends you soaring on a shortcut to
a exalted state of Zen enlightenment. Use this moment of
paralyzed stupefaction to listen to your screaming limbs and
then . . . deal again. After all, wasn't it Buddha who said,
"No pain, no gain"? Or was it, "There's nothing worse than too
many fours"?
- Counting Your Blessings. That last game was really close. So
was the one before that. Really close.
- Chasing Your Dream. It may be years and years of black on red
and red on black before you reach your goal. And when you reach
it, it's not going to be so great. In fact, you won't be able
to remember any details of it--not the beginning or the ending
or even the pivotal moment when victory became inevitable. It'll
fly out of your head the moment it's over. But, someday, if you
keep playing, you might remember. We have no way of knowing.
- Life Isn't Fair. Twenty minutes of hard clicking, a beautifully
lined-up board. Aces and kings. What good is all of it if you
don't have any twos?
- Overcoming Obstacles. Negative people will always try to bring
you down. "Get a job!" "Get off the computer!" "You can't pee
in that!" We refer to them as "toxic". You are not responsible
for their "issues". Tell them to talk to the hand. Get it?
Talk to the hand?
- Aesthetics. Practice the ancient art of feng shui by frequently
choosing different card deck designs. Ask yourself questions.
Does one "feel" better than all the others? The robot's
flashing lights--do you find your heartbeat falling into their
rhythm? When you choose the roses are you choosing their beauty
--or their thorns? What secrets lie in the Night Castle? Who's
the idiot who came up with the sea shell? Has anybody ever
picked that?
- We Are Not Alone. Solitaire enthusiasts are all around us,
developing new opening strategies, inventing techniques that
require excessive counting, candle-lighting, or numerology. They
feel your pain and share your passion and, just like you, they
love to watch those suits fall after a win. On a global scale,
PC users from every culture speak the language of Solitaire.
No, there's no way to contact them.
- Climb Every Mountain. When asked why he wished to climb
Everest, George Mallory said, "Because it's there."
Seventy-six years later, people are up there taking pictures of
his perma-frosted, wind-whipped carcass and rifling through his
pockets see if he left any raisins. I think the point is
obvious. Climbing Everest is stupid. Stay inside where it's
warm and have yourself a quiet game of computer solitaire. Maybe
put a nice afghan over your lap.
- Self-Esteem. It may be true that there are benefits to
sleeping, working and returning email. When you think about it,
though, what is all that compared to a score that is always
yours, a score they can never take away from you? (Saturday,
February 12, 2000, 11:18 p.m. 7080 points, Time: 113) Just
remember: if you take the time to love and honor yourself and
affirm your right to be a part of God's glorious creation, it
won't help your game.
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu #1053, BY ARI MCKEE - 4/07/00 ]