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|| PURE ANARCHY!!!!!! /| SATAN |\ BOMBZ HARDCORE!! ||
|| ___ ___ | | IS LORD | | _______________ ||
|| |$$| HOE 1018 |$$| \`\ !!!!! /'/' |$$$$$$$$| ||
|| |$$| 01/30/00 |$$| \ `---------' / |$$|~~~~~~~~~~~ ||
|| |$$|__________|$$| / /\ /\ \ |$$| LOTSA BOOM ||
|| |$$$$$$$$$| | '' `` | |$$|___ 2 FUCK ||
|| |$$/~~~~~~~~\$$| \ ` ' / |$$$$| YA SHT ||
|| |$$| TRUE |$$| `\ <o> /' |$$|~~~ UP!!!! ||
|| |$$| TERORISM |$$| 666 `\ /' 666 |$$|___________ ||
|| |$$| INSIDE!! |$$| ___/'`---'`\___ |$$$$$$$$| ||
\\ ~~~ ~~~ HOGZA DA ENTROPY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //
\\ YEAH BOYEE@#! H/P/A/V/C IN DA MOTHAFUCKIN HAUSZ#@!@$ //
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\\ "Phun with Shit" //
\\ by Da Master Mogel //
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Golly, I love shit. And this text file is all about it. All my
text files have references to shit, in fact. Though relatively unknown to
many, there's a variety of excellent things you can do with it. Just in
case there's any ambiguity, I'm talking about the so-called "waste" that
comes out of your ass when you're in the bathroom. You know, the smelly
stuff that usually launches into the toilet. Okay, now we're on the same
page.
First off, let's put an end to the myth that shit belongs in the
toilet. You can put shit anywhere, and I often do. When you have shit
gathered up in a big pile, you can use it for all kinds of common
purposes like a plaster substitute or let it harden and make a sculpture
out of it or you can use it as a perfect weapon to throw at me because
it's awfully smelly and light or you can eat SHIT BURGERS (A PATTY OF
SHIT BETWEEN TWO BUNS) OR MAKE A SHIT CASTLE ON THE BEACH OR A SHITMAN IN
THE SNOW OR SHIT ART AHH SHIT AHHHH SHIT SHIT!!!!!!!! ehehehee
I know what you're thinking--I'm taking this "shit thing" too far.
This "I'm trying to gross you out" humor device is pretty tired. I
definitely do not want this to be like a _South Park_ episode, because
that would genuinely do a disservice to such a useful, natural substance.
Perhaps it's time we carefully examine the nature of shit, so that you
guys can understand why I (and so many others) love it so.
First off, you have to define your class of feces. Clearly one
must discriminate between diarrhea and regular ol' shit. While you may
just "lump" shit into the same general "shit" category, the consistency
and quality of your shit can vary greatly both from person to person and
from day to day. It relies on your lifestyle, really--what you eat, how
much exercise you get, etc. Sometimes shit has a more traditional dark
brown color, but given the right set of circumstances, you can have a
wide variety of color tones to your shit, ranging from light tan, to
light green, to almost black.
The density of your shit is alterable as well, since you can most
certainly indefinite. It would be ignorant to suggest all shit looks or
feels the same. If you carefully examine, some shit takes on a more mushy
consistency, akin to a "smoothie" that you might buy in a store. Other
times, it's got a bumpy, "chunks o' stuff" consistency, in which upon
examination, you can see quite a number of different mixtures of shapes
and colors, mixed together--kind of like rocky road ice cream. Oh yeah,
and diarrhea, that's a whole other ball of yarn, with its "liquid meets
solid" consistency. It's like peeing out of your butt.
Here's a good way to experiment with your body, learn about
yourself, and have lots of fun. Get a notepad and keep it by the bathroom,
keeping track of each time you take a shit, the descriptive qualities of
the shit, the frequency, and obviously the food you ate that day. In a
few weeks, you will have a working knowledge of your shit and,
ultimately, control over what your shit will be like. This sort of
information could be pretty useful if just such an occassion arises.
I know, I know... "it smells!!" I've heard all those whines
before, believe me. I even said it myself, at first! The first thing
you will have to get over is your fear. Shit will not hurt you.
Sometimes we attribute such negative labels to things in society without
stopping for just a moment and reflecting on where these labels come
from. The truth is, shit is some handy stuff. And the only way for you
to appreciate it, truly, is to put it onto a plate, go into your
backyard, and start experimenting with it yourself. Be creative... you'll
find there's quite a lot of practical functions out there.
Clearly, most people don't realize the hidden richness and natural,
artistic brilliance in a piece of shit. Let's take a look at an example.
.-_-_-_/~~~~~\._------.-._.-.
DATZ .-' \
SHIT --> | o.o |
(hehehe) .-' `---' ./'
`--.__.___ .____.__/~\__.__/'
`----'
Ahh, the general structure of shit--so random, yet so fascinating.
It's natural form is molded entirely within our bodies, both internally
and in the process of leaving our anuses and plopping freshly and warmly
onto a toilet (or a table, in my case). There it is, in all its
splendor. Look at it, and observe the perfection that mother nature has
given our bodies. We are able to produce so much of this stuff... and
all we have to do is eat! I look at shit in the same way some people
lookat scenic photographs or famous works of art.
I should probably advise you that shit is made of a great deal of
bacteria and is probably unsafe to eat, although I doubt a small amount
(let's say, 1 cup's worth) would be all that problematic for the average
person.
Now some of you aren't quite as fanatical about this stuff as I
am, I can understand that. Different strokes for different folks. All a
humble man such as myself can ask of you, the reader, is that next time
you do take a shit, stop and think about how much potential fun can be
had, okay?
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[ (c) HOE EZINE! WWW.HOE.NU! A-BEWM-BEWM! #1018 -> BY MOGEL - 1/30/00 ]