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"Anarchy is the basis of today's society.
Without it, we would be in chaos." - Anarchist
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\\ YEAH BOYEE@#! H/P/A/V/C IN DA MOTHAFUCKIN HAUSZ#@!@$ //
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\\ "Oldschool Christmas Anarchy" //
\\ by Sir Oregano The Hacker //
\\______________________________________//
My brethren in anarchy, gather around. I have some oldschool
methods for ruining Christmas for the man, for those who try to keep us
down with their rules for how we should think and act this time of year.
I know you of the new school want to stick a knife in Santa's ribs
or leave a time-delay bomb wrapped as a Christmas present under a store
display tree, but my brethren in chaos, I have this to say, there are
more subtle ways to shake things up, things that don't get you in prison,
things that don't cause crack downs and rousting by the pigs. Here are
methods from the oldschool which will foul things up for the drones who
just follow along, these will make people take notice and think for
themselves.
First up comes the Christmas choral concert. This is the number
one sacred cow of Christmas. We are supposed to sit and wonder at boring
music like little angels. Well if you are an angel you are dead; here's
how to shake things up with a little coughing fit.
The trick to this is not too be too obvious. Before the show
throw down a few coughs to let the drones think you are really a little
ill, but then right when the show starts, be quiet, absolutely quiet, and
stay silent for a good 20 minutes. This will get the drones thinking you
are now fine. This is important, it lulls them into a deeper state of
self-denial. Your coughing fit must have been temporary, but they still
listen for tell-tale coughing.
Then, after this time has passed, let out a few quiet coughs.
Nothing big, just something to establish that you are there, just often
enough to keep the drones distracted. They will be wondering about you,
waiting for the next cough and not listening to the music if you keep it
infrequent enough.
Finally as you come to the end you go for the high-powered cough,
in fact go for a full fit as the Hallelulia choir is peaking, cough so
bad that you feel you need to leave the auditorium. This does two
things. First it gets you the heck out of there so you won't be
confronted after the show. Second it allows you to cough harder and make
a racket all the while slowly walking up the aisle. No one can tell you
too cool it since you are being a good drone and leaving on your own, but
in the meantime the true drones are listening to you leave and wishing
you'd walk faster and they pay no attention to the music.
The next little trick is so simple that you should have thought of
it yourself. Vaseline on the toys.
Carry a little jar of Vaseline in the pocket of your coat. Dab a
little on a finger and then pick up a toy and rub it on the back of the
toy (for example a Gameboy box). Some kid will pick it up and find it
slippery and icky and rub it all around him on the store displays or all
over his clean Christmas clothing.
Be sure to wipe off your finger before moving on to the next item
in case the floor walker catches up with you.
Spray-on snow is a delightful item that seems to be made for the
old school anarchist. This is basically spray paint in a can, with the
side benefit of being washable. This is important in that if you are
caught with the stuff the worst thing that happens is you spend ten
minutes washing off your work, they can't make you do community service
as you would with permanent spray paint.
I am sure you can think of plenty of places to write choice
Christmas greetings anarchy style. Sides of buildings, car windows,
busses. You can reach lots of people quickly with your own style of
holiday smear. Plus it makes a great quick hit on elevator buttons, for
department store elevators, and over the dials of payphones. Think a
little and ideas come to you for uses for this chaos-friendly product.
Buy yourself a string of Christmas lights and, by hand, burn out
every bulb in the string; carry them with you. This bit of anarchy works
good both for family gatherings and store displays.
The secret here is that if only one bulb is burned out in a string
of lights on a tree, none of the bulbs in that string will light and
every bulb has to be tested and the bad one replaced.
Practice, at home, switching a burned out bulb with a bad one, to
get your time down to about four seconds. If you are really good you can
switch two bulbs in the same strand of a store tree. This takes them 10
times longer to find what needs to be replaced, they are looking for only
one bad bulb.
You don't have to be homeless to wander the streets singing new
words to Christmas carols. But you do need to be drunk. Go buy some $3
bottle of whiskey and you can easily come up with dirty lyrics to old
standards. Nothing gets people out of the shopping mood more than
hearing their favorite jingle turned foul. This is a gift which keeps on
giving for next time they think of that song or hear it on the radio,
they hear your words; they will never enjoy that song again.
This is the oldest of the oldschool Christmas tricks. A little
alcohol in the punch or eggnog. This works best on children since the
parents just think the kids are acting weird due to the spirit of the
season. And not till the littles ones start puking will they begin to
suspect anything.
And lastly comes the old standby of bringing a little anarchy to
the church on Christmas Eve. The first is devil horns and a devil's
tail. Nothing too obvious, a little subtlety will go a long way here.
Maybe wear the devil horns under a ski cap, and take the cap off once
services start. The tail can be disguised under a suit jacket and
revealed when you lift up the tail of your jacket to sit or stand.
These can be gotten cheaply at costume stores outside of the costume
season.
Second is to change the lyrics to hymns. This is similar to the
changing the lyrics to Christmas carols but you have a captive audience
so be careful to not be quite as dirty. In fact you may get the best
effect with a few kind words to Satan or other densians of the dark. The
good part here is that in Church people can't talk to each other and
compare notes, so they will leave you alone when you are singing about
the Dark One, but in the car on the way back home they will ask, "Did you
hear the same thing I did?" "Was he singing about Satan?" "I thought I
was hearing things."
Those of you who really need to make a statement in a church can
make a go for the host. Hardcore brethren only, this one takes some
stones.
Stand up and receive the host from the priest then turn towards
the congregation and spit out the host on the ground and in a loud voice
yell, "Yeech! Christ could at least have taken a shower before he died
for our sins!"
No need to limit yourself to these tricks, there are so many more
like putting dirty books in the kid's section of Christmas book displays.
Getting a job as an elf helping Santa and telling children that Santa
secretly hates them and they will get no gifts; even building a four foot
tall snow penis then coating it with water to make the penis four feet of
indestructible ice. All these will keep the drones on their toes and make
them think instead of just following along like sheep to the house of
slaughter.
There you have it brethren, ways to make the season memorable. And
do it in ways that in a sense go beyond simple havoc in that they are all
technically legal. There is not much the cops can do to you if caught.
Good luck in your anarchy, the oldschool way. A terror Christmas
to all and to all a good blight.
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