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$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1007
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$ $ $ $ $ss$ "Ask Clyde, Version 4.0!"
$ $ $ $ $ by Clyde
$ $ $ $ $ $ 01/22/00
[-- $ $ $ $ $ $ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
$ $ "TssT" "TssT"
free advice! send your questions to clyde@hoe.nu!
welcome to the "ask clyde" column! this here is our biggest
advice column ever! "ask clyde" is an anonymous, free advice service!
do you need free advice! send me an email and i will answer your
questions! names are changed to protect those who submit questions! i
also give advice on how to fight crime! remember -- crime does not pay!
don't you agree!
in this issue, stephen tries to kick his drinking habit, nathan
surfs the web, fred wants to have cindy in bed, amy asks a really dumb
question, janice talks about a fun web site, marjorie eats lots of
chocolate and gets fat -- of course, and douglas wants me to write his
fucking school essay -- but i'll give it a shot anyway!
thank you for all of the fine questions this time around! keep
them coming! now, let's hit it!
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> How can I give up Jack Daniels even though I don't want to, cos I love
> it so much?
> Stephen
dear stephen! listen! have you ever been to tennessee! it is a
horrible place! sons of bitches have that horrible drawl-y accent!
people who live there always go around and "y'all" everybody! they
"y'all" at the gas station, "y'all" in church, and "y'all" in school!
police officers "y'all" you when they give you a traffic ticket! judges
"y'all" you when setting bail! it's all a bunch of "y'all amughnafv
drinkabeer mnafeale cigarette adgmnnsdg go fishin'?"! what the hell is
that!
how can people that stupid make whiskey so good!
but it's true! jack daniels is some really fine shit! so, i
don't know! i probably can't help you with this! i think you should
drink more of it, actually! drink up! driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk
iiiiiiiittttttttttt!
honestly, i don't know what your problem is! have a great day!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> Sometimes when I'm surfing the web at home, I type in a URL or click on
> a link and get this "Warning! Access denied! This site is locked by
> ParentGuard" message. That is so annoying. Sometimes this even happens
> when I'm trying to follow a link to amazon.com! Like, I tried to go
> to a web site once about the movie "Naked Gun," and it blocked me!
> Then on Amazon, I tried to order "Dead Poets Society" and it blocked
> me again! What should I do?
> Nathan
nathan! here's what to do, little squirt! the way to control
your browser instead of the other way around, is with java! using java,
you can implement a browser-embedded browser! it's true! in java, write
a browser program! then, use netscape or internet explorer to load your
java browser! that's right! use your browser to browse into another
browser! and browse the web from within your java browser! by using a
piece of my java code, you can hide your browser from parentguard! isn't
technology wonderful!
i have written a java function which can hide your browser from
the parentguard software! you will need to use this code in your java
browser, otherwise, it won't work! to get this code i wrote, visit my
home page! go to http://deadnakedbabies.net/java/browsers.html!
haha! catch 22!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> Cindy is my girlfriend. We have been dating for four months and we are
> both 19 years old. However, every time I bring up the subject of sex,
> she is firm on the point that she won't sleep with me. Why do you think
> Cindy won't sleep with me?
> Fred
fred!
fred fred fred!
there are a lot of problems here!
i assume that you met cindy through a friend! obviously you have
been "set up" with someone who is "nice and caring"! this is not the
kind of person who will give you bang for your buck! she probably wants
to talk about her "feelings" and "dreams", and things like "lasting,
fulfilling relationship" and asking you to "care for her needs"! rather
than take her shopping for lubricants, she wants you to take her for
walks in the park, romantic dinners, and sunsets on the beach!
is this the kind of life you are looking for!
luckily for you, i've been through all this before! woah, i was
outta there fast! listen, chap! you need to sleep around! the whole
"steady" relationship model is outdated! modern women have been
corrupted by web sites like "ivillage.com" and "women.com" and all that!
they feel "liberated" and "empowered" and all that shit! can you stand
it! can you! the answer is no! you can't stand it! women need to
think more like the sex bots us guys want them to be!
so listen! you're 19! you want to score with younger women!
(trust me -- you do!) go to some local high schools! attend the
football games and the friday night dances! you'll find the kinds of
girls (and cheerleading squads) you need to fill your bed!
in other words, cindy probably won't ever sleep with you! so,
find another cindy!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> When I play computer games on my Windows computer, I frequently get a
> crash. The screen turns blue and I have to turn the whole computer off
> and back on again to fix it. I recently installed Dr. Watson and want
> to know if that could be interfering with things. Can you help?
> Amy
how the hell did this get into my mailbox!
i do not provide computer advice!
actually, i do! get rid of your computer!
listen! i usually tell people that i will answer any question and
give free advice! but listen! i don't care about your computer problem!
i don't want to help you! figure it out yourself and go away!
i hope this helps!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> I really enjoy your advice column and your bizarre sense of humor.
> Sometimes it seems like you are insulting people, but I know you just
> want them to get the best from themselves. I found a web site that does
> something similar to what you do. Have you been to the forum2000.org
> web site before? If not, check it out.
> Janice
janice! thank you for the kind words! i have not seen the site
before but thank you for pointing me to it!
excuse me for a moment while i check this out!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
hey, this site is a lot of fun! son of a bitch! i'm staying home
from work today so i can play around on this site! the cube! what a
side-splitter! this website is genius!
perhaps this web site will give me new ideas for fighting crime!
thank you, my good friend!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> Lately I've been eating chocolate. Not just a little smidgen, but LOTS
> AND LOTS of CHOCOLATE! Clyde, I now weigh 200lbs and gaining! I know I
> should stop, but I can't! I supose I eat chocolate because I can't get
> sex and because I'm fat I can't get sex, it just isn't possible. This
> is a vicious cycle! Help me clyde. Should I go on a diet or should I
> just kill myself now? I mean my family can sell my body to a perfume
> company. I'm as fat as a whale, in fact, I am a whale! Oh whoe is me.
> Marjorie
dear marjorie! whales are beautiful animals! the sounds they
emit as speech truly soothe the soul! in fact i have a cd at home that
is just the sounds of the ocean waves and whales! i put it on "repeat"
when i go to sleep sometimes!
it makes me sad when there are tv shows about whale hunting! who
wants to hunt a whale! what the hell good is a dead whale! those things
are huge and they take up too much real estate when they wash ashore!
makes me think twice about trying to buy that pacific coast beachfront
property!
even though they show those whale hunting shows, i really love the
discovery channel! i've learned a lot by just watching that show!
i would love for someone to stage a science experiment where a
baby human lives his or her life entirely in front of a tv which is tuned
to the discovery channel! imagine the things we could learn from this
experiment! no exposure to other humans! not a second of mtv! no "real
world" or "yo mtv raps" or "road rules"! no "channel surfing"! no video
games! no state of alabama! no corrupt government! no brainwashing!
just television -- perhaps the finest technological innovation ever!
god, almost makes me want to go back to school and work towards a
ph.d., just so i can work on this project!
marjorie! thank you for giving me a new direction in life! you
have motivated me to pursue higher education! cheers!
clyde
[-----]
> Dear Clyde,
> Well now, I am very concerned with knowing the answer to this very
> important question: what is the most important advance of our century
> (or even millenium?) Thank you kind esteemed sir.
> Douglas
sir! i will answer your question!
however, my kind esteemed colleague, nick, would advise me that
the millennium still has one more year to go! by the way, you
mis-spelled "millennium," you jackass!
but let us talk about some of the most important advances in our
society for the past 100 and 1000 years!
let me pause for a moment and remind you that i will not do your
homework ever again!
some of my friends might think i would refer to the television as
one of the finest inventions ever! this is not true!
no conversation of this kind would be complete without some
discussion of the fine inventions of the phonograph and the lightbulb!
now, most people would blabber some drivel like "the phonograph and the
lightbulb are two of the finest inventions ever"! but this is a bunch of
cack! the finer invention was actually thomas edison himself! his
parents, who, without knowing about it in advance, invented thomas
edison, who was, undoubtedly, one of the most brilliant inventors ever!
do you like the way i just used six commas in one sentence! ha! i sure
do!
honestly though, what could ever be more beautiful than the
well-used human brain! if only this world had more edisons and
einsteins! god damn you, jerry springer!
i won't get into it now, but i have a theory about how jerry
springer is a direct ancestor of every piece of white trash on this
planet!
in any case, one of the best inventions in just the past few years
is e-commerce! let me tell you something! a little cute graphical
shopping cart on every web site in the world is my goal! we need to
launch head-on into a world of buzzword-enabled technology like
e-business, e-commerce, e-investing, e-petstores, e-bookstores,
e-drugstores, e-toystores, e-carshopping, e-travelplanning, e-romance,
and e-dining!
i am an e-consumer! hear me roar!
all this self-serving technology has also unfortunately
transformed society in evil ways! young, geeky boys are learning how to
set up web sites long before they learn how to maintain a conversation,
or take a shower! so undoubtedly, the next technology to snap into place
will be the industry of fertility commerce! using just a mouse and a web
site, you guys out there can have your sperm shipped to a single woman in
alaska so she can create a baby eskimo from your popscicle of love! all
this without one second of social interaction or foreplay!
all it takes is venture capital to make things happen!
clyde
[-----]
all done here! thanks for sending me your questions! do you want
your question published here! fire it off in an email to clyde@hoe.nu!
bye for now!
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1007, BY CLYDE - 01/22/00 ]