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s$
$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1001
[-- $""b. $ $ $ $ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
$ $ $ $ $ss$ "Changing Gears"
$ $ $ $ $ by Mogel, Meenk, and AIDS
$ $ $ $ $ $ 1/9/00
[-- $ $ $ $ $ $ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
$ $ "TssT" "TssT"
-> "An Explanation"
-> by Mogel
Okay, I trimmed the official HOE staff list down to only 15
writers. With this new, EXCITING era (post #1000!! WOOO!!!), it seems
like it's a perfect time to keep things fresh and interesting in this
here rootin' tootin' text file production.
If I'm going to continue being the head editor for HOE, it's going
to have to be something more fun to work with. I mean, I did have fun
with the *ideas* of HOE, but it became... phleh. The time has come to
clean up. Of course, doing this sort of thing in HOE is exclusively
within its own terms.
"TERMS? What the hell are you talking about?"
I AM SORRY IF I COME ACROSS OCCASIONALLY AS AN ART THEORIST. I AM
ACTUALLY JUST AN ECCENTRIC, RANDOM GUY LIVING IN PHILADELPHIA. I AM NOT
SOMETHING THAT I AM NOT. In 1994 (WHOA THAT WAS LIKE 40 YEARS AGO) there
was a GREAT SQUEAL as a couple of kids from a local BBS scene decided to
start a text file group that probably meant nothing and probably never
will mean anything but somehow managed to attract the interest of
hundreds of people and get archived all over the internet. The original
HOE staff members were Slater, Chal E. Mac, Black Francis, Defiant,
Abigwar, Corrosion, IM2K4U2C, and Mogel (HAY DAT'Z ME!#).
You don't care. That's okay.
Yes, HOE started out as a bunch of bullshit. Although it did also
have its shining moments. It was killed several times and revived
several times. We had a variety of people as head editors. We have
indirectly spawned a slew of new school t-file groups. We have sparked
up a new community of people. We are the first t-file group to produce
1000 issues.
How did we make 1000 issues? "BY RELEASING CRAP!"
IF THAT IS THE CASE, we certainly have no reason to continue
releasing just any ol' stupid t-file in the whole wide world that comes
across my computer screen, EH? Right! It's all about this stupid term
that I coined and I call it "Trash Aesthetics". It goes like this:
Text files have *always* had a certain angle to them, and it has
to do with both the MEDIUM (the limitations involved in simply arranging
ASCII characters into a readable file) as well as the AUDIENCE (computer
geeks). The nature of the MEDIUM is like this: guy has something to
say, guy writes that something down, guy spreads the something as far as
he can. It costs virtually nothing to publish and distribute a text
file. There's no standards or obligations. That's pretty dandy!
On a quick glance, sometimes people view text files as being
crappy, trashy, stupid--essentially, it's something "unprofessional".
People are not being paid to write this stuff. This is why it often
takes the form of either:
(a) Amateur Technical Information
(b) STRAIGHT-FROM-MY-NOTEBOOK ANGST
(c) I SAID FART, HAHAHA, THAT'S HILARIOUS! Humor
Being aware of the cliches is helpful. Some of the more HOE-like
writers were the ones that were genuinely aware of this aesthetic cliche.
Blow me if this sounds obvious, but it helps to avoid the generic.
I'm getting to my point. Be patient.
Eventually as HOE progressed in its latest resurgence (been going
for over a year now), it dawned on me that it'd be pretty rad to
construct an entire zine that often functioned as an EXTREME version of
what e'zines are all about--being trashy. (Some token examples of people
who realized this aesthetic can be found in stuff like BLaH or PUD.)
In my mind, if Quarex wanted to publish an ASCII construct of his
ASS, and I found it funny, I wanted to feel justified in printing it and
feel pride that I had published Quarex's ass.
The first step to enact this experiment was to publish almost
anything I found amusing, no matter how ridiculous. I didn't necessarily
want to publish *anything* in the sense that we would be a library of
vomit--I wanted to have a liberal enough concept of what qualifies
"writing" or "a text file" that if something formally considered "STUPID"
really amused me, it should still be considered both WRITING and
GOOD. It might be a good idea to ask ourselves what *really* defines
'good writing', anyway?
For a while, this concept really worked for me, and HOE was quite
fun. I think the streak of HOE #270-400 best exemplifies this.
Eventually, though, the logic of "accept anything" caught up with me.
People stopped being genuine.
See, I wanted the "trashy aesthetic" to be a STYLE that sort of
helped define HOE. After a while, it basically became an excuse to put
absolutely no effort into writing.
There's only three ways to enjoy something that sucks... either
because it's intentional satire, because it's about a topic that you have
a particular interest in, or because you're laughing *AT* the writing.
HOE blurred all three.
And we will continue to blur all three. Even though we kicked out
most of our staff, we're still accepting submissions from people, and if
they're good, we will publish them.
So, basically what I'm doing is making HOE more concentrated. I
hope you understand.
[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
-> "It Was All My Fault (An Open Letter To All The Former H0Es)"
-> by Meenk E. Boodle
To whom it may concern,
It all started with a request for a file. Mogel came to me asking
me to contribute something to H0E #1000. While discussing ideas for the
issue I decided it would be a good time to make known my developing
disgust with the current state of the e'zine. "Who the fuck are all
these people? They are some of the shittiest authors I have ever had the
misfortune to read. Why did you let them shit all over H0E, Mogel?" I
asked. "Well, I was trying for something trashy, yet appealing," he
replied. "These retards took our perfectly low-brow e'zine and turned it
into the fat, bloated, not-quite-dead-on-a-toilet Elvis of the literary
world. Face it, Mogel, like 'The King', H0E has let itself go." He
tried to defend you all, but I was relentless in convincing him the zine
was slipping down the tubes. I suggested, "Why don't you let #1000 be a
huge free for all, allowing the crappy people a last shot at glory, then
lance this rancid boil of a group and squeeze out the corpulent puss.
Kick out the people who no longer have a passion for it, as well as those
no-skill dorks who never quite had it, and start fresh. Make it
something you can be proud of." He though about it a few moments, or
maybe I was merely lagged, then promoted AIDS and I to assistant editors.
Drunk with power I pulled out my hit list. One by one I singled you all
out as not worthy, citing vague examples of ineptness presented to look
as if you were TRYING to make H0E an embarrassment. One by one I
convinced Mogel and AIDS that you should be cast out of our soon-to-be
elite circle, into the cold world outside of H0E.
For too long you all were allowed to indolently churn out bullshit
files that few people actually bothered to read, trying to appease your
editor-god but not caring about the fates of those exposed to your trash.
Your ASCII spew, regurgitated like sickly sweet honey from the gaping maw
of a mutated bee has painted you all as none more than he: a drone.
There is a reason concentration camps didn't produce art. It cannot be
forced. This is the reason H0E had to be distilled. H0E was laden with
pendulous, tumescent flesh, ugly and painful to look at. Now that we
have cut away the fat, a newer, stronger H0E can rise from the gore to
become something we can all be proud of. An e'zine people not only read,
but recommend to their friends. There is no charity in the zine world,
so we must be forced to devour our weak in order to fuel the titan we
shall become. Thank you for your contributions.
Your scapegoat,
Meenk E. Boodle
Assistant Editor, Hogs 0f Entropy
[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
-> "Seemingly random thoughts on the nature of HOE, or,
QUITE POSSIBLY THE LAST THING I'LL EVER WRITE"
-> by AIDS
OK, well, let me tell you, woo, hoe, it's been an experience.
Somehow I managed to end up in #zines a day after the first NEW RELEASE
of the THIRD ERA. This starts with the Ziego Vuantar message of
liberation and continues up to, I guess, this file's end. After this,
Middle Earth can never be the same.
Well, in a way, this seems like an afterthought for me, as I've
probably said everything I ever could on the HOE and text file scene in
HOE #999, but since I've been labeled assistant editor, I guess I
probably should contribute something to this thing. THIS THING WE CALL
HOE 1k+1. Actually, no one calls it that but me, oh well.
Since HOE was, in essence, a Cult of the Dead Cow ripoff, we'll
never be able to escape people's comparisons, unless, of course, it's 50
years in the future when grad students are writing their papers on this
shit. It's quite possible that HOE will be seen as the more significant
contribution, due to volume alone. History has a way of viewing the
biggest as being the most important.
Which of course, is totally wrong. HOE is utterly unimportant.
Even within its own scene of the text file. First, we're writing about
five to seven years too late to have any impact. Secondly, Mogel's
beloved "Trash Aesthetic" (one which I deeply embrace) seems to genuinely
confuse about 95% of all the people who encounter it. I'm not even sure
how many people in HOE get it. Anyway, the combination effect of these
two things is, briefly stated, this: There's no one left to impress, and
even if there were anyone left, they wouldn't be impressed. They'd just
go read Legions of Lucipher instead.
So, why do I write for HOE? I don't know. Boredom. Amusement.
Captive audience who'll read anything I write. A need to express those
darker emotional under-currents which torment me so.
The reason I mentioned cult of the dead cow earlier, actually, is
because for a little while I've been deeply concerned about HOE's
influence over the younger minds. I know when *I* was 13 and I first
discovered that cDc was around, I thought I had hit paydirt. MY GOD!!!
I AM HOME!!! etc. Very satisfactory. I'm somewhat disturbed when I
consider the fact that there might be people out there who think
similarly about HOE. I mean, this stuff has to appeal to someone,
doesn't it? Then I realize that no one can understand my files, so I'm
probably not the member of HOE to feel bad about it. Besides, I've
discovered that sex with the under-aged is far more warping than text
files could ever be.
The only good HOE text files are: Mogel's SIX THINGS THAT ARE
ALWAYS FUNNY and Kreid's YEAH. Everything else is trash. Mark E. Smith
said, "There are 11 people in the world. The rest are paste." It's
quite possible. I just hope I'm made of a high quality paste.
I know some of you are going to be upset by being kicked out of
HOE. Well, you suck. That's why we kicked you out. As for those of you
who have made the cut, don't feel too smug. I probably wanted to kick
your ass out, too. In fact, if I had my way, HOE would probably be
trimmed down to about 7 members, and they'd all be male. Girls can't
write text files. It's the wrong medium for them. I suggest you all
take up free form poetry and long meditations on why you chose black men
to be your lovers. It's not just text files. Women are pretty piss poor
writers. I don't mean to suggest this is due to some genetic
inferiority, of course, but due to the lack of a critical structure which
informs girls that, in fact, their vacant spirituality and doe-eyed
femininity is just penny-dreadful slop.
Another problem women have with their writing is the need for
pity. Whereas, if some horrible misfortune befalls a man and he decides
to write about it, typically he will write out of self-loathing and
hatred and condemn himself. If, typically, a woman were to write about
the same event, there'd be a glossy tone over her own culpability in the
whole matter, and in its place you'd see rather a sucking hole demanding
pity.
Anyway it's not their fault. I can understand the need to escape
the dead white male as well as any other. I just wish they had replaced
it with something a little less nauseating.
Oh wait, I was writing about HOE, wasn't I?
When you're feeling low down and lonely, or when your girlfriend
suggests having a three-way with Fiona Apple, or the whole world just
seems like it hates you, or your dog just died, or your best friend turns
out to be gay and is envious of your body hair, there's always HOE.
fuck, I don't know, you're all pretty much illiterate and stupider
than me, and you'll NEVER understand why a single paragraph of my worst
file is worth more than all 960 issues of HOE that I didn't write. I"m
gonna be a superstar, like Christ, and you're just gonna be you.
Forever. Sucker.
[ Editor's Note: The opinions of AIDS do not necessarily reflect the
opinions of the other editors of HOE, nor the writers. They might,
though. You'd have to specifically ask each one. It's a safer thing
to assume that they do not, however. ]
[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
"HOE IS GONNA SUCK NOW, DUDE!"
by Mogel and Meenk E. Boodle
HOE served another purpose, too. We were able to introduce a lot
of people into a text file writing scene that might never have gotten
'into' it. In some ways, HOE re-surged this doo-ditty with life that it
hasn't had for quite a while. That is a GOOD thing.
In a number of ways, what we're doing is a bit cold-hearted and
obnoxious. We even kicked out Phairgirl, for christsakes. She currently
has written more HOE issues than anyone in HOE history.
So, if you're mad. There's no better way to ruffle our feathers
than stick us up against some competition. Imagine... something actually
FUNNY... or something actually WELL-WRITTEN... or something actually
INTERESTING!? Let's be honest, now. Is it really hard to beat HOE in
quality?
That's right, guys, *YOU* can start your very own text file group!
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO:
I. Come up with a style, genre, or description
==============================================
The best e'zines have some sort of "concept" behind them.
Sometimes those concepts are very subtle, sometimes they're not. In some
'zines, this is very explicit (things like IBFT or BoW), while in others,
there's implied ideas, undertones, themes. Some 'zines are "political"
or "non-fiction", some are story-oriented. In today's age, it's hard to
pull off a "we do everything" zine like uXu, DTO, and cDc--and even THOSE
'zines have subtle themes and attitudes. It's best to know what you're
looking for--also as a way to attract writers. Being unique never hurts.
II. Come up with a name
=======================
Names can be anything you want, of course. Acronyms are just so
retro, man. Most groups begin with an acronym representing the
idea/theme which (hopefully) everyone involved can identify with, and if
you are lucky, take pride in. The name is important, as it attracts
or detracts readers. It's an icon.
III. Get at least TWO other committed writers
=============================================
This isn't as easy as it sounds. You will probably find a couple
people that fancy themselves as writers, but when given a deadline and
asked to produce files at will, they will become blocked and you will end
up with a single file written to the person's full potential, then
possibly (if you manage to squeeze any more out of them) a couple
mediocre, forced files. That's no good. Try to find writers who would
be producing files as often as you'd want them, whether you asked them to
or not. Typically such persons will be skilled in the manipulation of
language because they have been writing somewhat seriously (in their own
minds, anyway) for a while. Look for people that are capable of meeting
deadlines they have set for themselves. You want to try to avoid having
your core members be slackers who will drop out after you put out your
second issue. Be wary of prolific poetry writers. On the surface they
may seem able to meet your demands, but do you really want an e-zine that
features regular occurrences of angsty poetry? Most poetry writers do so
because they cannot write a REAL file. If you are into poetry, you can
have all the poetry writers. Really. Just don't be surprised when you
find a H0E shaped boot imprint on your sissy ezine's ass.
IV. Set a deadline
==================
Simple enough. Once you have assembled a couple of decent
writers, choose a date which will give everyone involved plenty of time
to get their shit together. You want your first release to be something
you can be proud of. Don't give your writers too much time, though. You
may feel you have all the time in the world, since no one knows you
exist, but you don't want your writers to feel like they need a month to
produce something, when you plan to release on a weekly basis. Once you
have accumulated the manpower, you can begin to give your writers longer
deadlines, staggering your writers' releases. You can't expect every
writer to submit for every deadline, that is plain naive. Hence the
strong core members.
Also, remember: you're not paying writers, so it's safe to assume
that most will wait until the last minute to write anything. This is the
most common woe of the e'zine editor. It's the ultimate paradox: set a
deadline within a week and people will bitch about having "NO TIME TO
WRITE!" and set it within a month and people will wait all month to
write.
V. Make a webpage
=================
Although text files are inherently uninterested in graphics, it's
a good idea in this current world of goofy GIFs and JPGs to put up a
webpage as a general means of distribution. Webpages also increase the
possibility that random people will stumble upon your webpage from the
net. Good or bad, the web is a great method for distribution.
VI. Release a file
==================
If you follow these steps, this one will seem to happen of its own
accord. The biggest part of the release is getting people to read it.
You must, in a sense, market yourself. You may want to create
anticipation of your release by name-dropping in public forums. Disguise
yourself as an impartial party and say things like "WOW! <INSERT ZINE
NAME HERE> sure is refreshing compared to all those teen angst ezines
like H0E!!!" Try to get popular sites to link to yours. If you can get
Gore Gallery to link to you, your name (and possibly logo) will be seen
by that many more sickos, EVERY DAY! The more others see your e-zine
being referred to, the more they will want to read it, and possibly even
contribute.
All and all, running an e'zine is a ridiculously pointless
experience, full of limited rewards. At worst, it's a means for a couple
cheap laughs, a way to kill boredom, and a good chance to practice
writing (the above is frankly all we use it for)--at best, you can
distribute messages to a potentially mass audience, become a better
writer, and get laid by internet sluts that read your files.
It's worth a shot.
[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
-> "Final Thoughts"
-> by Mogel
Changing gears is going to be strange. We'll probably release a
lot less frequently and have less activity on the member list. At this
point I'm interested in producing the stupidest shit I've ever imagined,
but with people I'm more certain can do what I'm looking for.
All things gotta change, and HOE needs to evolve.
[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu #1001, BY THE EDITORS - 01/09/00 ]