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 $$                           by -> Caitlin                          $$
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 $$             (* HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #902 -- 11/29/99 *)          .,$$
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	I am staring across the classroom at a face that's become more
 familiar over the past few days. At first disgusted - now I've come to
 entertain these frequent meetings of our eyes (mine and his) with a
 smile and a wink. I never thought I'd be so brave.

	I like watching him watch me. Sometimes I pretend he can't see
 me. Sometimes I wait until i catch his eyes then smile and avert my eyes
 to the chalk board quickly. The litany... the music we make each time our
 stares collide is enough to keep me motivated for the next few months.
 When will tenth grade ever end?

 - So, in my cynicism, I barely said hello before he realized i was
 curious. I think he had a hole in his smile that sort of caught me in a
 trap. -

	He's staring at me again. I wonder, what's so fascinating about
 girls with red hair and red lips and small rib cages and big hips. Maybe
 I should finish my biology homework.

	Did it ever occur to him that maybe I'm not so pretty without
 makeup on? Haha. Maybe underneath my clothing I look like a pear... I
 don't know if my round rear end is green.

	I feel really pretty today. I've got on black vinyl platforms I
 had my mother buy for me off of ebay. Sometimes middle class is so ...
 comforting. Or maybe just comfortable. I dislike the lack of stability,
 but hell.. what can I say.. I get what I want. (almost always)

	My standards aren't too high, I suppose. I'm staring back and him
 and realizing what a loser he is. I think he's 17 and won't graduate
 even if he goes to summer school and night school and passes all his
 classes in the future. He's got pretty lips and a cute nose for a boy.

 - I think I have this inferiority problem... where I convince myself
 everyone is much more complex then they really are and mainly.. more
 complex then me. -

	I'm beginning to think something is wrong with myself. I mean, how
 can he possibly stare at me this much and think that I don't know. Don't
 know.. something.

 `-`-`-`-`--`-`-`-`-`-`-

	I just left his house. He is definitely the best kisser out of..
 haha.. well... everyone. He's so fucking ignorant too. I sat and smoked
 all his cigarettes while he extended his opinion on music and school and
 police. It was fairly amusing, but hell... I tuned him out most of the
 time. He's no different from a lot of people I am forced to interact with
 in school.

	I'm laying in my bed, not wondering about my future or much of
 anything else... except why he kisses so good. Maybe I am under some sort
 of spell. I wonder if anyone from Wayne, Michigan would be spiritually
 strong enough to force people to do things with their own will. It sounds
 like a bad movie.

	How ironic. It just occurred to me that I may be getting the
 highest grade in Biology, and he may be getting the lowest. Or, maybe his
 loser friend is. Actually, his friend, Matt, I've known for quite some
 time. He was the fat boy in elementary school who the girls didn't like.
 He used to be really nice. My mom gave him thousands of baseball cards
 one time. I can't remember exactly why my mom starting collecting sports
 cards in the first place, but it didn't last long.

	My nails look kind of long this week. Maybe it's because I
 haven't been playing my violin much anymore.

	I can't believe I am getting an A in literature/composition. My
 teacher is amazing. She doesn't do anything except give extra credit for
 bringing in food for her. She would be so little and petite if she wasn't
 so fat. Her feet must be at least size 4 or 5. Her average weight should
 be about 100 lbs. She's really short.

 - What is it about obesity that makes people so uncomfortable? I sure
   as hell know it isn't the seven deadly sins. Some people dig that shit
   though, Have you ever seen some of those talk shows? -

 ``-`-`-`-`---`-`-`-`--`

 - Were those computer voices some sort of pretext for the future? -

	Why the hell don't I sell that electric guitar? I'd take $300 for
 it, and it's in perfect condition. I think it's been played all of two
 times. It's worth like $1100.

 - I wonder where this anger has came from. I used to pretend I had it.
   Or maybe I genuinely thought that's what it was. I hope I get into
   college -

	Jesus Christ, my mom decided she doesn't care if I don't go to
 college. That's good. I can't possibly endure more years of direction and
 learning. What the hell is education anyway? The state curriculum is
 stupid. My school is stupid. My teachers are lazy and most of them don't
 care about us anyway. I hate.

 - I've been trying to stay motivated. I wonder where this sudden
   emergence of beauty  came from. I don't drink soda anymore. I don't
   eat hamburgers. I don't wish ill upon anyone who doesn't deserve it. I
   don't meditate. I eat granola cereal for breakfast almost everyday. I'm
   an angel, I think. Or maybe just a revolutionary.
   
   Or.. maybe I am just one of god's warriors; maybe I'm here to spy. Or
   maybe I'm just a flower who's seen more then all of these seeds and
   bulbs. I haven't played violin in about 5 months. I haven't made love
   in 2 weeks. I can't even get off anymore manually. -

	So I went to his house again today. That was the most pathetic
 excuse for oral sex I've ever endured. First he just kind of poked his
 tongue around like a .. I don't know, like he was trying to tenderize
 meat. Disgusting. Then he just sat up and said "I know I'm horrible..
 I'm sorry." I laughed and said I'd teach him a thing or two.

 - I can't believe I told him I'd never had an orgasm with anyone before
   in my life. -

	"And I've just got one more thing to tell you.. cuz words are
 vitamins and life is short."

	I've got a hunch that something is about to happen. I read some
 articles mentioning that humanity or society is.. anticipating..
 something. Yes, I agree. I feel like I'm at such a dead end. Some boy
 said my clavicle is sexy today. Some boy also asked me to give him head.
 Jesus Christ, and I laugh and laugh, and do nothing besides. Well,
 sometimes i just make odd face and ask if i can copy their homework.

 - I'm so proud of my 4.0 but I really don't feel any different. I feel
   like the middle stage of pokemon evolution. I know everything, but
   something else is on it's way. Metapod. Butterfree. Beautiful voices.
   Maybe if I pray for sanity I'll see the future. -

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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!  HOE #902 - WRITTEN BY: CAITLIN - 11/29/99 ]